Aa
Big Problem..
I'm seventeen and my boyfriend is nineteen.. I'm pregnant, 6th month and he's the father of our girl sevelina ..
well so far so good. he used to be all the time a really good supporter and is so lovely, even though he is young.
I never thought that the day would come..
well today I woke up at 4 o'clock, to have a snack,and he was lying on the floor: drunk as a lord. i was shocked. as I dashed him with water, he turned totally crazy. he began to scream, to shout, he got rough.. he slured that he 'is exhausted with me and the baby that is going to ruin his life. he also mentioned that he never wantd to become a dad. and well.. that he doesn't love me so much to marry me.
I'm confused.. he always was such asweet and good guy..
a few minutes later the neighbours called the police, because our fight got too loud and hours later hey brought him back.
he apologized for everything he said, he had done etc.. now he's sleeping.
I don't know what to do. Moreover I found in the meanwhile when the police picked him up to the police station, different numbers from certain therapists.. I knew that he was taking specific pills, but he said it's because of his stomach problems. but know I think that this is anti-depressiva..
well.. what shall i do now?
this is horrible.. should i leave him?
and when I leave him, I have to go back to england, to my parents and I'm living in america..
I don't want to leave him but I'm afraid now because of his tantrum today.. what if he loses control when our little sevelina comes into the world?
.. I need help.. I mean.. that never happened before, he was never that drunk and he never said that he's exhausted.. and when he's already< exhausted; how will it end, when sevelinas here?
and actually i need him.. coming back to england isn't that easy..
well so far so good. he used to be all the time a really good supporter and is so lovely, even though he is young.
I never thought that the day would come..
well today I woke up at 4 o'clock, to have a snack,and he was lying on the floor: drunk as a lord. i was shocked. as I dashed him with water, he turned totally crazy. he began to scream, to shout, he got rough.. he slured that he 'is exhausted with me and the baby that is going to ruin his life. he also mentioned that he never wantd to become a dad. and well.. that he doesn't love me so much to marry me.
I'm confused.. he always was such asweet and good guy..
a few minutes later the neighbours called the police, because our fight got too loud and hours later hey brought him back.
he apologized for everything he said, he had done etc.. now he's sleeping.
I don't know what to do. Moreover I found in the meanwhile when the police picked him up to the police station, different numbers from certain therapists.. I knew that he was taking specific pills, but he said it's because of his stomach problems. but know I think that this is anti-depressiva..
well.. what shall i do now?
this is horrible.. should i leave him?
and when I leave him, I have to go back to england, to my parents and I'm living in america..
I don't want to leave him but I'm afraid now because of his tantrum today.. what if he loses control when our little sevelina comes into the world?
.. I need help.. I mean.. that never happened before, he was never that drunk and he never said that he's exhausted.. and when he's already< exhausted; how will it end, when sevelinas here?
and actually i need him.. coming back to england isn't that easy..
hi! I did pay attention to your situation,and you give the impression of a strong girl ,even why only 17 years old,you seem to be a real adult in your strong thoughts and congratulate you on this and i did appreciate you r decison about the adoption!you must be proud of yourself,indeed!this problem of your s is just because your bf is not strong as you evenwhy he`s two years older than you..and it`s a real shame,but i really wish you not to care too much about this ,you should only care about your child and yourself,
I know ,believe me,it`s hard to leave someone you love,and im trying to persuade you to do this,but as there is always a but ,sometimes and many times ,life urges us to make important decisions to have a better life.i believe in you,that thinking as a good future mother you will take the right decision...congratulations again for your behaviour and our original thoughts,struggling with life at this age and taking a strong but a good responsibility,,,
I know ,believe me,it`s hard to leave someone you love,and im trying to persuade you to do this,but as there is always a but ,sometimes and many times ,life urges us to make important decisions to have a better life.i believe in you,that thinking as a good future mother you will take the right decision...congratulations again for your behaviour and our original thoughts,struggling with life at this age and taking a strong but a good responsibility,,,
It doesn't have to be forever. If your daughter's father is American, I am pretty sure she can either have dual citizenship or can choose American citizenship at 18 (they have changed the laws during my 21 year marriage).
Only you can decide it leaving is an option. I would decide which would be easier to do later--would it be easier to take your baby back to England to live and have the support of your family later if you decide you don't want to be with your boyfriend? Or would it be easier to come back here to your boyfriend if you decide you want to be a family? I think the latter would be easier--especially if he proves himself. And if he marries you, coming back here would not be a problem. But if he doesn't prove himself because you stay here and you find yourself one day six months from now handing your baby girl over to him for the weekend while his new girlfriend is waiting in the car, leaving this country will be very difficult and likely impossible at that point. Like I said--he needs to give his permission for her to even get a passport--no passport, no leaving the country. Period. You may be able to get a judge to work around that for you so you can take your child back to the UK to visit your family once in a while, but you are opening yourself to heartache, imo.
If you leave, yes...you will have that "I told you so" feeling from your parents, but that would be better than a big fat "I told you so" from them when you are stuck here, struggling to make ends meet as a single mom and sharing your daughter with someone you want nothing to do with anymore.
Be strong and do what you need to do--swallow your pride and do what you know is best for your baby.
That's my opinion, for what it's worth.
Only you can decide it leaving is an option. I would decide which would be easier to do later--would it be easier to take your baby back to England to live and have the support of your family later if you decide you don't want to be with your boyfriend? Or would it be easier to come back here to your boyfriend if you decide you want to be a family? I think the latter would be easier--especially if he proves himself. And if he marries you, coming back here would not be a problem. But if he doesn't prove himself because you stay here and you find yourself one day six months from now handing your baby girl over to him for the weekend while his new girlfriend is waiting in the car, leaving this country will be very difficult and likely impossible at that point. Like I said--he needs to give his permission for her to even get a passport--no passport, no leaving the country. Period. You may be able to get a judge to work around that for you so you can take your child back to the UK to visit your family once in a while, but you are opening yourself to heartache, imo.
If you leave, yes...you will have that "I told you so" feeling from your parents, but that would be better than a big fat "I told you so" from them when you are stuck here, struggling to make ends meet as a single mom and sharing your daughter with someone you want nothing to do with anymore.
Be strong and do what you need to do--swallow your pride and do what you know is best for your baby.
That's my opinion, for what it's worth.
Thanks.. this is also what I would call 'support' and I am really thankful to everyone whos leaving a comment/ advice..it really helps me & makes me think a little bt straighter.
I hope that I will do a good job as a mum.
At least I have god.
It's so true; he never gives us more than we can handle (:
<3
I hope that I will do a good job as a mum.
At least I have god.
It's so true; he never gives us more than we can handle (:
<3
Sevelina is going to be my first kid, ever.
I'm still pregnant & I really appreciate your advice
but I won't consider adoption!
This would be the last thing I would do.
This is my, only my daughter & I am going to do everything that needs to be done for my little baby!
I may be young but I'm definitly not to young for a baby.
As I already said; it's not th age that really matters, it's the lifeexperience and your inner age. I have maybe reached more than a 30 years old woman.
My baby will get the best, that a baby could get.
I'm still pregnant & I really appreciate your advice
but I won't consider adoption!
This would be the last thing I would do.
This is my, only my daughter & I am going to do everything that needs to be done for my little baby!
I may be young but I'm definitly not to young for a baby.
As I already said; it's not th age that really matters, it's the lifeexperience and your inner age. I have maybe reached more than a 30 years old woman.
My baby will get the best, that a baby could get.
That's so true.. When I came to the USA I was a bit shocked by the lifestyle.. completly different, but I just started to love it.
And well it's not like a serious problem, but it's a part of my big problem; I DO can get back to my parents, but I DO NOT want to. I feel like I have to show my parents that I can manage the conseqeunces of my 'stupidity'. I'm trying to make them believe in me, like they believed in me before I got pregnant.. because I disapointed them at a special point.. and now.. just coming back would be like 'yeah, that figures! she is just too young.' yu know stuff like that I wouldn't like to hear in such a situation..
But in the end I know that I have to leave my boyfriend now, before it's too late. I feel something like shame... that's horrible.
And it will be horrible to xplain my parents what happend etc.
At least I go home.
There is only one way out: England.
I know that running away from my problem (my bf) maybe not right.. ethically..
But fr the very first timeit's he best for my daughter.
Here in the US I don't feel this support anymore.. I've left my boyfriend and I currently live with a school friend. She's hosting me .. everything is fine but it's temperary..
I mean this is no future..
But Im still not quite sureabout giving birth in England, because as you said agiesmom, it's difficult to get back to the US andvice versa, too, and I actually build my whole future here.. so I'm kinda afraid.. I don't want to make a wrong decision, I dn't want to regret.
Considering that my parents would help me, well I think they will, it could be the better choice.
Perhaps I can stick to my old life to get a better future for my baby.
AND there still could be a problem: my boyfriend.
He already said that I won't go to the UK.
He makes me feel at times like he is worth giving a second chance but at times he just makes me feel frightened.
.. And I do miss my family right now, but they don't know the story.. I have to make a decission before I let my family judge me...
Thank you for your advice adiesmom
One thing I would like to know from you; Should I leave him for just a certain time or like.. forever? your opinion wuld be great (:
And well it's not like a serious problem, but it's a part of my big problem; I DO can get back to my parents, but I DO NOT want to. I feel like I have to show my parents that I can manage the conseqeunces of my 'stupidity'. I'm trying to make them believe in me, like they believed in me before I got pregnant.. because I disapointed them at a special point.. and now.. just coming back would be like 'yeah, that figures! she is just too young.' yu know stuff like that I wouldn't like to hear in such a situation..
But in the end I know that I have to leave my boyfriend now, before it's too late. I feel something like shame... that's horrible.
And it will be horrible to xplain my parents what happend etc.
At least I go home.
There is only one way out: England.
I know that running away from my problem (my bf) maybe not right.. ethically..
But fr the very first timeit's he best for my daughter.
Here in the US I don't feel this support anymore.. I've left my boyfriend and I currently live with a school friend. She's hosting me .. everything is fine but it's temperary..
I mean this is no future..
But Im still not quite sureabout giving birth in England, because as you said agiesmom, it's difficult to get back to the US andvice versa, too, and I actually build my whole future here.. so I'm kinda afraid.. I don't want to make a wrong decision, I dn't want to regret.
Considering that my parents would help me, well I think they will, it could be the better choice.
Perhaps I can stick to my old life to get a better future for my baby.
AND there still could be a problem: my boyfriend.
He already said that I won't go to the UK.
He makes me feel at times like he is worth giving a second chance but at times he just makes me feel frightened.
.. And I do miss my family right now, but they don't know the story.. I have to make a decission before I let my family judge me...
Thank you for your advice adiesmom
One thing I would like to know from you; Should I leave him for just a certain time or like.. forever? your opinion wuld be great (:
Well I don't take care of statistics because they can't be proofed 100% .. there are always exceptions. Riht, I'm not sure whether me & my boyfriend are an exception, too, but believing in statistics would just damage my whole lifestyle.
Thank you for your response (: I know that we are young but sometimes it's not the age, it's the experience of life you have or likewise not.
Thank you for your response (: I know that we are young but sometimes it's not the age, it's the experience of life you have or likewise not.
I find your comment extremely judgemental! You don't know either one of these people and I know people who had very young parents and were raised very well! You have no idea what kind of parents these people will be. This baby "deserves" parents that love her and take good care of her no matter what age they are.
And Sevelinasmum I'm sure you will do a wonderful job with or without him! Do what ever feels right for you and know that god never gives you more than you can handle.
And Sevelinasmum I'm sure you will do a wonderful job with or without him! Do what ever feels right for you and know that god never gives you more than you can handle.
I'm confused about whether you have a daughter together, and now your pregnant again with this boy.
Please consider adoption. A 17 year old single girl and a 19 year old single boy are not fit to raise a child. She deserves adult parents.
Please consider adoption. A 17 year old single girl and a 19 year old single boy are not fit to raise a child. She deserves adult parents.
Also...something else you really should consider and research--it will very likely be much easier to move back to the UK while pregnant than it will be to try to move back and take his child out of this country. You'll have to get the baby a passport and he will have to sign the passport application or sign a notorized affidavit giving his permission to even let your baby get a US passport. And if you want to move back to the UK with your baby, you may find yourself in a very challenging place and having to seek legal help to try to make that happen (if it's even possible). The courts are unlikely to just let you leave the country with the baby--unless, of course, you can prove you are in danger or he's unfit or there may be some loophole since you may be considered a minor at 17 (?). But you typically have to get permission of the father or a court order to be allowed to move out of the STATE here--I'm sure it's the same, if not more difficult, to leave the country with a baby born here with a father who is a US citizen. Something worth researching before you give birth and find yourself in a really difficult situation.
Just want to add...there is a world of difference between 19 years old in England and 19 years old in America, imo. My husband is English and his sister finished school, got a job and rented a house with two friends when she was 16. My husband stayed on at school longer, but even he had a job and was moved into his own flat at 18. People in the UK don't live with their parents until they are in their mid-20's or go back home to live with their parents for a few years after college or if they lose their job or if money gets tight and they just want to try to save up for something like they do here. All I'm saying is 19 here isn't really the same at 19 there, imo. Just something to think about when taking into consideration his maturity level.
Regardless of that, if I were you, I would go home to my parents. He obviously has serious problems and you don't need to be in the middle of them when you are trying to welcome a new life into the world. If he wants to be your husband and your baby's father, he will do what he needs to do to prove that to you so you will return to the US...or he can go to England if he marries you. And you may not realize it now, but you will REALLY want to be with your family when you have your baby. It's amazing what becoming a mother does--it brings you closer to God (and at times, your religion) and makes you want to be near family. You will want your mum to know your baby. That's been my experience, anyway, and that of many women I know. And if you don't want to be with your family in the end, you can always come back.
Will your parents pay for a plane ticket for you to go home? Will they take you in and help you?
Regardless of that, if I were you, I would go home to my parents. He obviously has serious problems and you don't need to be in the middle of them when you are trying to welcome a new life into the world. If he wants to be your husband and your baby's father, he will do what he needs to do to prove that to you so you will return to the US...or he can go to England if he marries you. And you may not realize it now, but you will REALLY want to be with your family when you have your baby. It's amazing what becoming a mother does--it brings you closer to God (and at times, your religion) and makes you want to be near family. You will want your mum to know your baby. That's been my experience, anyway, and that of many women I know. And if you don't want to be with your family in the end, you can always come back.
Will your parents pay for a plane ticket for you to go home? Will they take you in and help you?
I know that must be a tough decision, but I think it's probably the best one. You should come to the pregnancy 18-34 forum and get some support for this pregnancy....hang in there sweetie <3.
17 and 19 are pretty young. I would imagine he is scared stiff and tho he is trying as I am sure you are also to hold it together for the baby, he is feeling trapped. Of course you would think that precautions could have been taken to prevent this, the fact is they were not and it is what it is. In this day and age 17 and 19 are still kids themselves. I hope things work out long term, but statistics say no. Sorry. I would expect more drinking and verbal outlets in the future, but if he gets physical, leave.
Thank you for your advice.. this was helpful although I knew that this is gonna be my own decision..
and you are right that a men is a lot scarier than women.
I don't want to leave him, because I need him and I love him.
But as you said, the need is no argument to let me and my baby get into a serious problem.
And moreover I don't think I can handle the situation with a guy, who has depressions and ca't control this.
I truly trust that he is a good person, but not w´hether the situation is under control.. I have doubts.. the situation may can repeat. And this is not the way I want my baby to bring up!
So I think I'll leave him.
Thank you for your advice. It helped me in a way..
and you are right that a men is a lot scarier than women.
I don't want to leave him, because I need him and I love him.
But as you said, the need is no argument to let me and my baby get into a serious problem.
And moreover I don't think I can handle the situation with a guy, who has depressions and ca't control this.
I truly trust that he is a good person, but not w´hether the situation is under control.. I have doubts.. the situation may can repeat. And this is not the way I want my baby to bring up!
So I think I'll leave him.
Thank you for your advice. It helped me in a way..
I have a bit of advice on this situation and I'm not entirely sure how helpful it'll be....first off, was he truly physical? if you feel threatened, you need to leave now. no matter how drunk he was, this situation MAY repeat itself and you have the responsibility to protect yourself and your baby girl, and you need to get out NOW no matter how hard it would be if you feel he was capable of hurting you or your unborn baby.
However. from what you say this may be an isolated incident, and while that does NOT excuse what he did, he may simply be feeling the pressure and have gone over the edge. we're all human and entitled to mistakes, and as long as he did not hurt or threaten you, you may wish to look at this as him blowing off steam and getting it "out of his system" because having a baby on the way is a lot scarier to men in some ways than to the women carrying them! (go figure, right?).
Either way, you need to confront him about this depression. If this is such a serious issue, then he needs to address it with you as a part of his therapy, now that he's becoming a father, even though he should continue to go to sessions on his own as well. Alcohol can become a habit for people suffering from depression when they self-medicate, and with the stresses of a baby on the way, you need to address this before it becomes a serious problem (if it hasn't already.).
You're the only one who knows how it really felt to be in that room when this happened, so if you feel threatened you absolutely need to leave. However, if you TRULY TRUST that he is a good person and this is an isolated incident brought on by stress, fear, alcohol, and depression, then I do believe he can be helped and your relationship can continue. And I mean you have to know absolutely that this will not happen again...needing him is no excuse not to get out if he is a threat to you and your baby. Everyone gets to a point with a baby on the way that they feel overwhelmed and terrified, and this may have been his "one time", you know what I mean?
Trust yourself, and leave if you have ANY doubts, but if you feel safe, confront him and realize that his depression may be playing a huge part in this and requires intervention. I hope any of this helps...?
However. from what you say this may be an isolated incident, and while that does NOT excuse what he did, he may simply be feeling the pressure and have gone over the edge. we're all human and entitled to mistakes, and as long as he did not hurt or threaten you, you may wish to look at this as him blowing off steam and getting it "out of his system" because having a baby on the way is a lot scarier to men in some ways than to the women carrying them! (go figure, right?).
Either way, you need to confront him about this depression. If this is such a serious issue, then he needs to address it with you as a part of his therapy, now that he's becoming a father, even though he should continue to go to sessions on his own as well. Alcohol can become a habit for people suffering from depression when they self-medicate, and with the stresses of a baby on the way, you need to address this before it becomes a serious problem (if it hasn't already.).
You're the only one who knows how it really felt to be in that room when this happened, so if you feel threatened you absolutely need to leave. However, if you TRULY TRUST that he is a good person and this is an isolated incident brought on by stress, fear, alcohol, and depression, then I do believe he can be helped and your relationship can continue. And I mean you have to know absolutely that this will not happen again...needing him is no excuse not to get out if he is a threat to you and your baby. Everyone gets to a point with a baby on the way that they feel overwhelmed and terrified, and this may have been his "one time", you know what I mean?
Trust yourself, and leave if you have ANY doubts, but if you feel safe, confront him and realize that his depression may be playing a huge part in this and requires intervention. I hope any of this helps...?
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
