Aa
Depressive "friend"
So I recently became cool again with a guy I used to associate with from time to time 2 years ago. He's a nice guy & all but the problem is he's so depressive! I know we all have our issues here & there but he whines & complains about everything. Just an example: we could be talking about cookies & he'll turn the conversation into something sad. I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant & going thru some issues myself (I left my job cause my morning sickness got too bad, we recently moved to a new area & I left behind some of my friends, I’m home alone most of the time with our 4 year old son, hubby & I are having financial issues) but I hardly ever complain cause I know that won't change anything. The reason we stopped talking 2 years ago was because he would constantly IM me & go on & on for hours about how bad his life sucked & how ppl didn't like him, etc. In the beginning I was understanding & offered advice but after days of it going on in every conversation I flipped out & ended our friendship. Well I added him back on FB a week ago & he gave me this long story about how he was a much happier person & he promised not to do the things he did before. Well that only lasted for about a day because he's been doing it over & over again in EVERY conversation. I've asked him repeatedly not to IM me if he's gonna keep doing that but he'll promise not to & then starts doing it as soon as we start a conversation. The things that he complains about in truth aren't even serious issues either. He complains about not having a gf but admits that he's not the best bf because he lets girls walk all over him. He also says he knows nothing about how to talk to women or how to deal with women. He complains about not having many friends but admits that once he has friends he forces all his personal issues on them & will constantly be depressed around them to the point they walk away. He even admitted to me that he'll purposely put himself down & talk negative about himself to others just so they will give him compliments! I was shocked because I'm like don't you think you're alone because of your own actions? Everyone I've went to says I should just cut him off & that I don't need the stress & it just seems like he's doing it for attention. In some ways I'd feel bad cause in truth he doesn't have many friends but I don't know how much more of the whining I can take. Would I be rude to just ask him to leave me alone or would it be better to do so?
You're right which is why when he msged me again last night I didn't bother reading or responding to him. He didn't say anything else when I didn't respond so I think he may have gotten the hint. I just hope he finds some sort of help & soon. Thanx for the input
"I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant & going thru some issues myself (I left my job cause my morning sickness got too bad, we recently moved to a new area & I left behind some of my friends, I’m home alone most of the time with our 4 year old son, hubby & I are having financial issues) but I hardly ever complain cause I know that won't change anything."......You seem to already have your "hands" full. I wouldn't worry about trying to "figure" him out or rack your brain trying to figure out why he changed, etc. as you need to devote your time to your family/your life.
Secondly, UNLESS you are a therapist there is NO way you can help him. I understand you suffered from depression in the past, but you aren't a therapist who can diagnose and/or treat him. To add......just because he is this way doesn't necessarily mean he is "depressed."
He is who he is........I wouldn't waste anymore time on this. Your family needs to you; focus on them.
Secondly, UNLESS you are a therapist there is NO way you can help him. I understand you suffered from depression in the past, but you aren't a therapist who can diagnose and/or treat him. To add......just because he is this way doesn't necessarily mean he is "depressed."
He is who he is........I wouldn't waste anymore time on this. Your family needs to you; focus on them.
COMMUNITY LEADER
No problem. Good luck. Sadly, some people just aren't great to have in our lives.
It is sad & remembering him from high school & seeing how he is now-as an outsider looking in, he has a lot of good things going for himself. I guess he doesn't see it or appreciate it. Thanx again for the advice.
COMMUNITY LEADER
A lot of people put themselves down and it is really how they feel about themselves. Sad.
& I get what you're saying & it wasn't that I was ignoring those boundaries but like I mentioned before I thought I could help. I did tell him that it was best we don't speak because he needs someone else who could be a better friend & wished him happiness. I still feel bad because he obviously has some issues but I'm not equipped to handle them for him. I'm still confused as to why he purposely puts himself down to gain compliments though. I mean could it be an act or could he really be that depressed?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, I didn't think you were romantic with him, that isn't what i meant. I guess that in truth, I put limits on friendships that drain me. I honestly don't have time for it. And my husband might not love me chatting with another man in the evening nor would I love him chatting with another woman. Neither of us is jealous but as a married couple, we just don't really do that. There are boundaries.
I would just tell him you are busy with your family and you wish him well and don't answer him on facebook. You don't really need to delete him just don't respond on a regular basis.
good luck
I would just tell him you are busy with your family and you wish him well and don't answer him on facebook. You don't really need to delete him just don't respond on a regular basis.
good luck
& regarding getting deep with him was because I was trying to understand the reasons for why he was so upset.
Whoa it was nothing like that I can assure you so plz don't take it that way. He msged me first & started telling me how much happier he was since we last spoke & that's what made me respond. I've always been the type who wants to give advice & help ppl, so when he first started being sad my initial instinct was to dispense advice. I guess part of that is the mom in me & I've dealt with depression in the past so I figured I could give him advice on how to deal with things. I have told him before that I didn't have time to talk but he'll msg me repeatedly telling me how bad his life is & of course feeling bad (& being stupid) I responded. I was trying to help not form a relationship with him.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ya know, I don't have that intimate of friends of the opposite sex. I can't imagine sitting on facebook or chatting on the phone with some other man trying to get 'deep' with them or 'help' them. I'm way past those kinds of friendships with the opposite sex. I have a couple of close girlfriends but we have los in common. So, in all honesty, the whole relationship seems odd to me as a married woman, with a 4 year old and being pregnant.
Tell him you are busy with your family and you don't have much time to talk. Probably true, isn't it?
Tell him you are busy with your family and you don't have much time to talk. Probably true, isn't it?
According to him he doesn't have many male friends. He said before he doesn't like being around the friends he does have because some of them have girlfriends. He also said that once he does find friends he'll force all his issues & sadness on them constantly until they get fed up & walk away. He said he's done this in any & all of his relationships so not many ppl wanna deal with him. We talk on Facebook so I'm just gonna delete him & hope he finds some happiness later on. I appreciate the input thank you.
The weird thing is when we met in high school he wasn't anything like this so I have no clue what happened. It's not that I don't like him, I just think he sometimes tries to bring others down with him. I continued talking to him because I thought I could help him, but sometimes talking to him makes me feel depressed! I've even tried getting to know him beyond all the sad stuff but he always reverts back to being sad. He admitted to me the other night that he does it purposely so he can get compliments or so others will feel bad. Does that mean this whole thing could be an act?? He told me last night that he wants to changed & asked my advice on how to but shot down most of my ideas. That's how I ended up here...sorry if I came off as judgey that wasn't my intention.
Hi and welcome. To be honest with you he should be talking more to his male friends. Usually men have men friends and women have women friends. Your taking on the role of a mother with him and if you not up to the position then just dont play the part. I dont think telling him to leave you alone is the best answer, i just would not answer his phones calls and text him instead.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, this is just his personality. He's entitled to complain about whatever he feels like and vent to a friend. Probably not judge worthy. However, it is okay to say you don't really like him. So, why be friends if you don't like his personality?
He doesn't need to change how he is. Plenty of people are doggie downers and that is just the way their brain works. They probably find the type of that are always sunshiney reallly annoying as well. MOST of us go back and forth and have happy days and a bit more gloomy days with a general disposition of half full or half empty.
I was on a walk one time with a friend who was gloomy. I was not. I kept talking about the colors of the flowers, the sky, how the wind felt so good, etc. She finally looked at me and said "you are annoying. I'm walking this way, you walk that way. You are WAY too happy for me today." LOL I thought it was very funny. I imagine it is what you are feeling but in the opposite. Still friends with her as in general, our personalities click.
And that is what is missing here. You don't click with him. So, set him free to find friends that appreciate who he is. good luck
He doesn't need to change how he is. Plenty of people are doggie downers and that is just the way their brain works. They probably find the type of that are always sunshiney reallly annoying as well. MOST of us go back and forth and have happy days and a bit more gloomy days with a general disposition of half full or half empty.
I was on a walk one time with a friend who was gloomy. I was not. I kept talking about the colors of the flowers, the sky, how the wind felt so good, etc. She finally looked at me and said "you are annoying. I'm walking this way, you walk that way. You are WAY too happy for me today." LOL I thought it was very funny. I imagine it is what you are feeling but in the opposite. Still friends with her as in general, our personalities click.
And that is what is missing here. You don't click with him. So, set him free to find friends that appreciate who he is. good luck
I suggested a therapist but he turned it down (for reasons I'm unaware of). You're right that prolly is what is causing him to come back. I plan on deleting him off my Facebook & maybe then he will get the hint. Thanx
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