Callus Mom and Sister

[m13]

What can I do to cope with my Younger sister pregnancy and Mom.
Background.   I have been married for 6 years.   Been trying to get pregnant for 1 year.

Current.  I had been sensing my younger unwed been with her boyfriend for under one year chemically unstable sister is pregnant.   So I told my mom 5 days before I found out that she was indeed pregnant.   That my husband and I had been trying and about to start seeing a fertility  doctor.  I told her that I was ok but that if she ever has something to tell me about my sister that I may not be "feeling it"   due to my situation and where I am in my life.    My mother sprung on me my sister news, while I was at work with the words "I have some news.  Your sister is pregant......   She wants her sister and is scared."   My reply was I don't want to hear about her right now.   I do not feel that you are being sensitive to me and my situation.  Especially after I said what I had said 5 days earlier.  To which she replied what was I supposed to do tell your sister.   Which I screamed back YES!!!

I put myself back into counseling I went in the past to deal with my unavailable mother during my wedding preparations.  She  was busy/drained in dealing with my pre-chemically balanced sister.

I know this will never change.  But I find this to be the straw that broke the camels back.  I can find no reason not to write them all off.   To not see my mom or sister or even the little in the future.  I can really find no way to forgive them for this act of cruelty to me.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

You mom knows your sister is not doing well and is giving her extra attention.  She is worried sick about her and probably know she will do a lot of the raising of that baby.

Your mom knows you are competent, together and are managing your life successfully.  

It's unfair when the unworthy get pregnant.  I have an unmarried cousin, 18 who just had a baby on the due date of one of my miscarriages.  She already has a 2 year old and is thrilled to sit back and collect welfare.  I find it so hard and it must be so much harder when it is your sister.

[pricej]

the seems like a common story. I have a yonger sister who was always my moms favorite. When we were younger I was so jealous. We could both be doing something wrong and I'd be the one to get in trouble. She was the baby. My sister is slower than her age but not to much. I'm married now with two kids and she is unmarried with 4 and one on the way. My mom had bought her cars and supported those kids like they are hers. Am i jealous now? **** know. i have a husband who take care of our family. I know my sister needs help. And i love her enough to want some one to help her. Her children get all the attention from my mom, aunts, and my grandparents. I'm not jealous of that either. My children also have my husbands side of the family. If anything I worry about my mother more than any thing else. She is in the time of her life where she should be enjoying retirement and GROWN children out of the house instead she is raising her grandchildren. I could never be mad at my mother because of that, instead I try to help in evry way that i can. I love my sister and i know she hasn't been blessed like me yet. And until then my mom is doing her motherly duty and making sure she is getting through it. i hope evrything works out for you. but please be thankful for what you have, and that you are not the one chemically unstabled.

[idesofmarch]

I'm not really going through the same stuff as you guys though I used to feel that my older sister was the favorite and that I could never be as good as her.  I've seen things differently lately only because I chose to see things differently.  I heard some where that parents tend to "help" the children that are less successful in life because they feel needed there.  If you are the child that was good at what you tried for and had better grades,more friends,better personality & looks etc. then maybe you didn't look to be in need of help from your parents. Or sometimes parents feel that they didn't do right by a child in their younger years and they let their guilt take control. Have you ever asked for help, a shoulder to cry on or an open ear?  If you did were you turned down. If you never asked for help(etc.) maybe you should have. Where you your Dad's favorite? I just lost my Dad and I felt more wanted by him than my Mom. It scared me to lose that.

[pertykitty]

sounds like me and my mom and sis. well sort of. my sis the favorite. always has been even though my says no. my mom calls her almost daily. not me though. she is helping her with so much, which she has helped me too, but differently. my dad died over 4 years ago. i listen to my sis complain about my mom many times a week. my sis is selfish and my mom feels she owes her something it seems. however, i have a great husband. she does not. he has problems with drugs from time to time and alcohol. mine does not. they are in financial ruins soon to be, we are doing well. my sister has a hard time with anxiety and loses it upon occations, i am in more control.  what i am saying is maybe your husband and you are doing well and your mother doesnt have to worry. your sis may have a lifestyle that is full of conflict and troubles and your mom feels it is her duty to save her. one thing you need to do is maybe seek therapy (ok so maybe im wrong im going by a little paragraph i read) to help figure out why you feel this way. you have to stop making it about you. its their problems not yours. i understand how it feels to think you are second best, but you know what? your mom is probably pretty proud of you. she knows things will be alright, and she is probably pretty darn excited about being a grandma. you are going to be an aunt! and let me tell you its great to be an aunt. studies show it can take a year or more to concieve. so it hasnt happened yet for you. it will. instead of making this a bad story, make it work for you. it will be fun to go baby shopping, to buy things for your little niece or nephew. concentrate on that. YOU get something really great out of this. it can work to your advantage you know. make it happen.

[m13]

Thank you.  You have all very valid points.   What you brought is actually my fear.  I have actually feared that I will perceive that my mother will put more time into my sister's child and not mine.      I suppose to there is not a way to really sum up my mom and sister and how I fit into their relationship.   But thank you for your reply.

[RockRose]

You went to counseling because your mother was unavailable to help you plan your wedding?

Hmmm.  How happy would your husband be to NEVER again hear you upset about your mother and your sister's relationship?  I can't imagine your upset with them is helping your marriage.

Fast forward to five years from now.  Your sister has a 4 year old,  and you have a three year old.  Sibling rivalry doesn't dilute as the generations go by,  it intensifies.  If you are upset that you think your sister gets more attention,  this will only get worse if you perceive her child gets more grandma time than your baby does.

Do you think your mother wishes your sister were more like you,  or do you think she wishes you were more like your sister?  I think the answer to that would be obvious, and you need to take that comfort and run with it and stop trying to change this situation.

Your mother must be scared.  Here, she has a daughter who is very unstable,  and now that daughter is pregnant.  That must be scary.

Best wishes with your fertility treatments.  I hope you have the baby soon that you are wishing for.