Aa
So dang tired of trying...:(
Alright so anyone who read my last post knows that I'm from a dysfunctional background. Right now, I just don't know what to do about my relationship with my mom...
she's a raging alcoholic, and has been all my life. she's got Multiple Sclerosis and takes many medications which compound with the alcohol to make it so that a lot of times she loses control and doesn't remember what she's doing when she's drunk.
she's been verbally abusive and absent all of my life....when she gets drunk she seeks me out to insults and degrade me, and she always has. she'll call me or if I was in the house she would come find me and sit there just going at me until I finally broke or I left, which I rarely did because quite frankly that's the most interaction I ever got out of her and bad attention was better than nothing growing up.
so she's from a family of 12 kids...and they're all very close ever since their parents died. they're very much "us against the world"....and her brother, who is 40 and single because he never goes out to meet anyone (he's attractive, successful, and intelligent with a good sense of humor) comes over to their house every saturday for dinner instead of going out even though he's desperate to be in a relationship...he's also very verbally abusive to me. and my aunt, who is a recovering cocaine user, lives with my mom to take care of her..and she's always going at me for not doing things right and upsetting my mom.
my dad, however, adores me and is completely sick of how they all treat me...so he's always standing up for me...but my aunt now considers that when I call my dad that I'm intentionally pitting my mom and dad against one another.
ok here's the scenario from today....usually my dad picks up my 2-year-old on friday or saturday or sunday and takes her to their house for a few hours..when my husband gets off of work, he and I and our newborn son go out there and spend a few hours. this happens one day every weekend, and the day changes. my uncle's day to go out there is ALWAYS saturday night......but we were out of our house this entire week because there was a pipe that leaked up into the floor so they had to tear it up and replace it. we finally got back into the house last night...so I called my dad and said "hey friday's not a good day, we've got way too much to do, so would it be ok to do it saturday, and we'll leave in the early afternoon so uncle T can still come over and it won't get in the way?" and he said sure...but this mroning my mom calls all pissed and says she's coming to get my daughter today and she'll drop her off in the afternoon because tomorrow is T's day, and she doesn't want to lose her time with him. great, right? well we've had it out about my uncle many times before because my mom always takes his side...even when he's sitting there verbally abusing me she protects HIM if I stand up for myself...she always puts him first. "no you can't come over saturday that's ts day" even if the only time to see them and for them to see the grandkids is saturday she would still choose T.
So I had enough. I told her no, cancel this weekend, she's chosen him over me again even though there was no need to choose because I was making sure that we weren't going to impinge on his time...and I called my dad to tell him to forget tomorrow and that if he wanted to see the kids he was welcome to come over..so I guess he got REALLY pissed (this has happened a lot before) and took on my mom about it..so my aunt calls me screaming at me and telling me how awful I am and how my mom really loves me, bleah bleah bleah, and how I'm so selfish to want T not to be there even though I was PLANNING TO LEAVE BEFORE HE EVEN SHOWED UP so that I wouldn't get in the way of brother/sister time...
ugh. i donj't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of being kicked around and abused by my mom...nothing I do is good enough for her. when I was in the hospital after my son was born last month, she called to tell me that I was a neglectful mom for not forcing the doctors to release me so I could go home and take care of my daughter, even though my son was essentially in the NICU for 5 days due to a dangerous case of jaundice...and I'm thinking OK my daughter's in good hands, I KNOW she's happy...I really need to be here for my son who has NO ONE to take care of him, and the doctor's hadn't even released me yet, so I couldn't even go home if i wanted to...and my mom tells me how abusive and neglectful i am and how my daughter is going to hate me...so i'm in tears for 3 days.
what the heck am i supposed to do? i've tried everything...i've tried compromising, meeting her halfway..i've given in to every single demand and request for years hoping that it would be enough, and she just changed things around to make me not doing the right thing again.
I'm so lost...I feel like al ittle girl again.
i know that was a ridiculously long story but my mind is racing right now and i'm so hurt and confused...I want to have ar elationship with my mom, but she has no compunction about screaming and degrading me in front of my babies, and i WONT let them go through that.
sorry for how long the story is, again
she's a raging alcoholic, and has been all my life. she's got Multiple Sclerosis and takes many medications which compound with the alcohol to make it so that a lot of times she loses control and doesn't remember what she's doing when she's drunk.
she's been verbally abusive and absent all of my life....when she gets drunk she seeks me out to insults and degrade me, and she always has. she'll call me or if I was in the house she would come find me and sit there just going at me until I finally broke or I left, which I rarely did because quite frankly that's the most interaction I ever got out of her and bad attention was better than nothing growing up.
so she's from a family of 12 kids...and they're all very close ever since their parents died. they're very much "us against the world"....and her brother, who is 40 and single because he never goes out to meet anyone (he's attractive, successful, and intelligent with a good sense of humor) comes over to their house every saturday for dinner instead of going out even though he's desperate to be in a relationship...he's also very verbally abusive to me. and my aunt, who is a recovering cocaine user, lives with my mom to take care of her..and she's always going at me for not doing things right and upsetting my mom.
my dad, however, adores me and is completely sick of how they all treat me...so he's always standing up for me...but my aunt now considers that when I call my dad that I'm intentionally pitting my mom and dad against one another.
ok here's the scenario from today....usually my dad picks up my 2-year-old on friday or saturday or sunday and takes her to their house for a few hours..when my husband gets off of work, he and I and our newborn son go out there and spend a few hours. this happens one day every weekend, and the day changes. my uncle's day to go out there is ALWAYS saturday night......but we were out of our house this entire week because there was a pipe that leaked up into the floor so they had to tear it up and replace it. we finally got back into the house last night...so I called my dad and said "hey friday's not a good day, we've got way too much to do, so would it be ok to do it saturday, and we'll leave in the early afternoon so uncle T can still come over and it won't get in the way?" and he said sure...but this mroning my mom calls all pissed and says she's coming to get my daughter today and she'll drop her off in the afternoon because tomorrow is T's day, and she doesn't want to lose her time with him. great, right? well we've had it out about my uncle many times before because my mom always takes his side...even when he's sitting there verbally abusing me she protects HIM if I stand up for myself...she always puts him first. "no you can't come over saturday that's ts day" even if the only time to see them and for them to see the grandkids is saturday she would still choose T.
So I had enough. I told her no, cancel this weekend, she's chosen him over me again even though there was no need to choose because I was making sure that we weren't going to impinge on his time...and I called my dad to tell him to forget tomorrow and that if he wanted to see the kids he was welcome to come over..so I guess he got REALLY pissed (this has happened a lot before) and took on my mom about it..so my aunt calls me screaming at me and telling me how awful I am and how my mom really loves me, bleah bleah bleah, and how I'm so selfish to want T not to be there even though I was PLANNING TO LEAVE BEFORE HE EVEN SHOWED UP so that I wouldn't get in the way of brother/sister time...
ugh. i donj't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of being kicked around and abused by my mom...nothing I do is good enough for her. when I was in the hospital after my son was born last month, she called to tell me that I was a neglectful mom for not forcing the doctors to release me so I could go home and take care of my daughter, even though my son was essentially in the NICU for 5 days due to a dangerous case of jaundice...and I'm thinking OK my daughter's in good hands, I KNOW she's happy...I really need to be here for my son who has NO ONE to take care of him, and the doctor's hadn't even released me yet, so I couldn't even go home if i wanted to...and my mom tells me how abusive and neglectful i am and how my daughter is going to hate me...so i'm in tears for 3 days.
what the heck am i supposed to do? i've tried everything...i've tried compromising, meeting her halfway..i've given in to every single demand and request for years hoping that it would be enough, and she just changed things around to make me not doing the right thing again.
I'm so lost...I feel like al ittle girl again.
i know that was a ridiculously long story but my mind is racing right now and i'm so hurt and confused...I want to have ar elationship with my mom, but she has no compunction about screaming and degrading me in front of my babies, and i WONT let them go through that.
sorry for how long the story is, again
*HUGS* That's a start in the right direction, good for you! That strenght you're pulling out right now, embrace it!
Wow...I just looked up the definition of codependence, because I never really thought about it...and I'm in tears. it really does sound like my dad, and I see so much of that in myself as well. I've looked up a CoDA meeting (codependents of america) and I will be going next tuesday. I'm going to look into Al-Anon as well, but I really think thta the issue extends beyond the alcoholism at this point and that I may have more luck with CoDA..thanks guys, you've all pointed out a part of myself that I never even considered and after reading through the whole idea of codependence I am terrified of continuing the cycle...well, it stops here. I'm going to go fix the codependence that is emerging in myself so I don't do that to my kids. my mom is an issue I can deal with once I've handled the problem that's grown like a cancer inside of myself...and when I've gained the skills to confront her and learn to say "no" without guilt, maybe she and I can retry our relationship.
I'm a pessamist so what I think will happen if you show that song to your mom, she'll just start screaming at you saying some crap like "I've been a grat mom and that you were just a bad seed and came out that way" and yada yada yada. I've seen it happen before. But my psycho (my way of shortening psychologist) says that it feels good to confront problems even if it doesn't give you the physical result you want, but it's supposed to give you some emotional relief or something.
Also, it sounds like you are also suffering from a little codependency. I know what that's like because I suffer A LOT from it. I still say you should at least try but only you can make that decision for yourself.
Also, it sounds like you are also suffering from a little codependency. I know what that's like because I suffer A LOT from it. I still say you should at least try but only you can make that decision for yourself.
You may want to look into some counseling for yourself. The fact that you grew up always seeking approval, acceptance, and love from your mom and never got it, and still do to this day is, like you said, not going to be a habit that can be broken easily. Talking to your dad can only get you so far to relieve your pain, because he is not helping the situation to get better. He may be a wonderful father and the one parent you can count on to love, accept and defend you, but the fact is that for your lifetime, he hasn't defended you 100%. So in that aspect, seeking help from him to deal with your mother is most likely not going to get you too far.
Keep focusing on how that image of your daughter in your lap has given you a perspective of this situation that makes sense to you, and hold on to it. I know from personal experience that the love you have for your child(ren) can enhance your motivation to help yourself when otherwise, you'd allow things to continue in a downward spiral.
My son, Trevor, is the whole reason I overcame the cycle of an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship with his father (who was also a substance abuser at the time I was with him). It was much the same situation as you described with your daughter and you when your parents were arguing; in my case, I also felt guilt that my son had to endure our arguments but I felt too weak to do anything about it for a long time--until the day his father lashed out at him the same and treated him the same way he treated me. I saw then that my 2 year old baby boy would end up feeling the same way I did, and he didn't deserve to be treated like that. I also realized at that point, neither did I. To this day, I feel so guilty that it took my son having to go through the same emotional abuse I endured to wake me up and break the cycle. It was not easy, and to this day, I still don't forgive myself and wish I'd done it sooner, but at the same time, at least I *did* get it and did something about it.
Not only that, but it took months of counseling to get me to feel secure enough about breaking the cycle. I could not have done it on my own. Had I tried, I fear I may still be in that relationship, suffering through all the cr@p and dragging my son through it too. It's critical that you get help for yourself to break this lifelong habit, as you really don't know how to cope with anything differently. Counseling can really help you grow beyond that. It'll make a lifetime of difference.
Keep focusing on how that image of your daughter in your lap has given you a perspective of this situation that makes sense to you, and hold on to it. I know from personal experience that the love you have for your child(ren) can enhance your motivation to help yourself when otherwise, you'd allow things to continue in a downward spiral.
My son, Trevor, is the whole reason I overcame the cycle of an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship with his father (who was also a substance abuser at the time I was with him). It was much the same situation as you described with your daughter and you when your parents were arguing; in my case, I also felt guilt that my son had to endure our arguments but I felt too weak to do anything about it for a long time--until the day his father lashed out at him the same and treated him the same way he treated me. I saw then that my 2 year old baby boy would end up feeling the same way I did, and he didn't deserve to be treated like that. I also realized at that point, neither did I. To this day, I feel so guilty that it took my son having to go through the same emotional abuse I endured to wake me up and break the cycle. It was not easy, and to this day, I still don't forgive myself and wish I'd done it sooner, but at the same time, at least I *did* get it and did something about it.
Not only that, but it took months of counseling to get me to feel secure enough about breaking the cycle. I could not have done it on my own. Had I tried, I fear I may still be in that relationship, suffering through all the cr@p and dragging my son through it too. It's critical that you get help for yourself to break this lifelong habit, as you really don't know how to cope with anything differently. Counseling can really help you grow beyond that. It'll make a lifetime of difference.
x89:: thank you for your reply...I wish it was that simply but I've been afraid and dealing witht his for so long I just don't know if i can just do it like that...but I know I need to try..
this is gonna sound totally emo and ridiculous, but I've always expressed myself through song..every time I needed to open up to someone about how I felt, I would always find a song that spoke for me...and I showed this song to my dad and he said it broke his heart that this was how I felt about my mom....and he said to show it to her, but I just don't know if I have the guts...
http://www. youtube .com/watch?v=o0oenkCT8EY (remove the spaces)
"Because Of You"
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
this is gonna sound totally emo and ridiculous, but I've always expressed myself through song..every time I needed to open up to someone about how I felt, I would always find a song that spoke for me...and I showed this song to my dad and he said it broke his heart that this was how I felt about my mom....and he said to show it to her, but I just don't know if I have the guts...
http://www. youtube .com/watch?v=o0oenkCT8EY (remove the spaces)
"Because Of You"
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Ditto to all of the above. They all treat you like *insert curse word here* so why should you care about them? I wouldn't care if they were family. If I don't like someone I'd stay away from them. I still live with my parents and there are moments when I really don't like my dad, so what do I do? Avoid him as much as I can.
thanks guys, you said what I really needed to hear...I think I needed to know it was OK to take a stand, how pathetic is that?
A and K:::::You're right, I didn't like it..but you were absolutely right. my daughter is the biggest happiness in my dad's life and I would feel horribly guilty about cutting her out...but if he wants to spend time with her away from my mom, i'm going to allow that.
telling me to picture my daughter being abused like I was, and then substituting myself in my mind's eye REALLY hit home for me..I would never let anyone do that to my baby, and thinking about it in that sense I'm shocked that either of my parents were able to see it done to me, much less do it.
on mother's day of this year I went over to my parents' house because my husband had to go to a funeral viewing, and my mom just absolutely let loose on me....she was trashed out of her mind and just railed at me for like an hour...I was heavily pregnant at this point, btw. and when my dad realized what she was doing he began to yell at her...and then she yelled back...and I was sitting on the porch, and my daughter was there with all of us looking so hurt and confused...and I am so ashamed and guilty that I didn't take her out of that situation, but I felt like a terrified little girl hiding in my closet while my parents screamed at each other, just like I used to do growing up, and I totally failed my daughter.
I realized that I just can't put myself in that situation anymore. i am too dysfunctional when it comes to my mom, and it makes me fail to protect my daughter and that is just not acceptable...after that incident, i confronted my dad and told him I was going to stop enabling and saying it was OK and that I was going to stop being around her when she was drunk...and to a certain extent, I've done that, but not enough.
mjmom::: I know, my mom really should protect me from her siblings, but they had an abusive alcoholic father and so they really banded together as children and my mom thinks i'm incapable of understanding the pain she went through. uh, no, i know EXACTLY what you're going through mom because you're doing it ot me...and I dont HAVE any siblings to protect me or stand with me. she talks about how some of her sisters or brothers would protect each other by distracting their father's anger when one of them was getting yelled at too much....who was there to do that for me, mom? no one!
anyway...i don't think she'll ever protect me from her siblings. she thinks that i'm trying to tear them apart, or make her choose one over the other...in my opinion, there should BE no choice. I know my husband would choose our babies over his brother ANY DAY even though they're best friends, if his brother decided to verbally abuse our babies...
she won't get help. i know she won't. no matter what i do. she used to drive drunk when i was in the car with her, and dad found out and put his foot down and she went to counseling and al anon, and after a few months of both she complained that it was too difficult physically and stopped going. she would honestly rather have us out of her life than make an effort...and i can't even describe how much that breaks my heart.
she has the very easy ability to make me feel like a terrified, unloved, lonely little girl who desperately wants her mommy's approval and will never get it...and that's what keeps me going back to her abuse all the time...i'm so desperate that one of these days she'll be kind and loving and accepting, and I KNOW she won't...but a lifetime of habit is so hard to break.
i'm going to try talking to my dad about all of these things...something's gotta give.
thank you all so much, i really needed the support and advice, even the stuff that was hard to hear.
A and K:::::You're right, I didn't like it..but you were absolutely right. my daughter is the biggest happiness in my dad's life and I would feel horribly guilty about cutting her out...but if he wants to spend time with her away from my mom, i'm going to allow that.
telling me to picture my daughter being abused like I was, and then substituting myself in my mind's eye REALLY hit home for me..I would never let anyone do that to my baby, and thinking about it in that sense I'm shocked that either of my parents were able to see it done to me, much less do it.
on mother's day of this year I went over to my parents' house because my husband had to go to a funeral viewing, and my mom just absolutely let loose on me....she was trashed out of her mind and just railed at me for like an hour...I was heavily pregnant at this point, btw. and when my dad realized what she was doing he began to yell at her...and then she yelled back...and I was sitting on the porch, and my daughter was there with all of us looking so hurt and confused...and I am so ashamed and guilty that I didn't take her out of that situation, but I felt like a terrified little girl hiding in my closet while my parents screamed at each other, just like I used to do growing up, and I totally failed my daughter.
I realized that I just can't put myself in that situation anymore. i am too dysfunctional when it comes to my mom, and it makes me fail to protect my daughter and that is just not acceptable...after that incident, i confronted my dad and told him I was going to stop enabling and saying it was OK and that I was going to stop being around her when she was drunk...and to a certain extent, I've done that, but not enough.
mjmom::: I know, my mom really should protect me from her siblings, but they had an abusive alcoholic father and so they really banded together as children and my mom thinks i'm incapable of understanding the pain she went through. uh, no, i know EXACTLY what you're going through mom because you're doing it ot me...and I dont HAVE any siblings to protect me or stand with me. she talks about how some of her sisters or brothers would protect each other by distracting their father's anger when one of them was getting yelled at too much....who was there to do that for me, mom? no one!
anyway...i don't think she'll ever protect me from her siblings. she thinks that i'm trying to tear them apart, or make her choose one over the other...in my opinion, there should BE no choice. I know my husband would choose our babies over his brother ANY DAY even though they're best friends, if his brother decided to verbally abuse our babies...
she won't get help. i know she won't. no matter what i do. she used to drive drunk when i was in the car with her, and dad found out and put his foot down and she went to counseling and al anon, and after a few months of both she complained that it was too difficult physically and stopped going. she would honestly rather have us out of her life than make an effort...and i can't even describe how much that breaks my heart.
she has the very easy ability to make me feel like a terrified, unloved, lonely little girl who desperately wants her mommy's approval and will never get it...and that's what keeps me going back to her abuse all the time...i'm so desperate that one of these days she'll be kind and loving and accepting, and I KNOW she won't...but a lifetime of habit is so hard to break.
i'm going to try talking to my dad about all of these things...something's gotta give.
thank you all so much, i really needed the support and advice, even the stuff that was hard to hear.
I agree with the others. You need to cut contact with your family (except maybe your dad, but with conditions such as specialmom mentioned) until your mom can get help for her addiction. However, I wouldn't go as far as to say that even if your mom got help for her alcoholism, that it would make her treat you right. Emotional and verbal abuse and alcoholism are two different issues that need different psychological treatments, even though the alcohol can and does worsen the abusive behavior.
Your mom needs to get help for both. And it looks like the only thing that'll possibly encourage her to seek it is if you stand up to her, put your foot down and tell her you will not be a part of her life anymore, and neither will her grandkids, until she recognizes her problems and seeks treatment.
Other than that, specialmom pretty much said everything I would've said.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is as well. My ex-stepdad was an alcoholic, and although he wasn't my biological parent, he had at one time basically adopted me as his own, then a few years later began emotionally and verbally abusing me (and which turned physically abusive one time), and eventually disowned me quite publically within his family when my mom pursued the divorce. So I do know the pain you feel very well. It is heart shattering.
I hate that anyone has to go through it.
Your mom needs to get help for both. And it looks like the only thing that'll possibly encourage her to seek it is if you stand up to her, put your foot down and tell her you will not be a part of her life anymore, and neither will her grandkids, until she recognizes her problems and seeks treatment.
Other than that, specialmom pretty much said everything I would've said.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is as well. My ex-stepdad was an alcoholic, and although he wasn't my biological parent, he had at one time basically adopted me as his own, then a few years later began emotionally and verbally abusing me (and which turned physically abusive one time), and eventually disowned me quite publically within his family when my mom pursued the divorce. So I do know the pain you feel very well. It is heart shattering.
I hate that anyone has to go through it.
You need to cut everyone but your dad off. Until they learn to respect you and your family, and treat you like a person with feeling you need to not see them or talk to them, if they call either don't answer or hang up. Don't let them treat you this way. You don't need that. If you mom loves you, she'll straighten up and treat you right and make her siblings do the same. I'm so sorry you have to go thru this.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Arrrggg. I want you to know that I too have loved an alcoholic and it is a roller coaster.
I'm going to cut to the chase and you aren't going to like it----------- I'd not leave my daughter with this weekend, next weekend or again. Look how she treated you hon. She does not need a new victim.
Co dependence. It is real and it perpetuates the problem. Clearly your dad is codependent. He loves you dearly but allowed your mother to abuse you your entire life. He chose to "keep the peace" rather than doing what is right and proper by his child. He will do the same with your daughter when it comes to your mother. Your aunt, codependent. Living with and doing things to allow the disease to continue in a copacetic way is codependence. I know she has MS but her addiction is unacceptable.
You do not need to be codependent. Do for your daughter what no one did for you. Stand up and say "enough. You may not be around my daughter unless you seek help for your alcoholism." This will kill your dad as it sounds like no one sets boundaries with your mom and everyone goes along with it. But there should have been boundaries all along. I will tell you my story in a pm later today. I've taken hard and difficult stances in my adult life. It is the only way to stop the cycle.
I'd go to an al anon meeting. Your mom does love you but she hates herself and she takes it out on you. You are not a lost little girl. You are a strong, smart grown woman that doesn't have to that c rap from anyone. She is sick and deserves empathy but it stops there. You do not have to listen to it or be involved in it.
You are probably saying "but she is my mom and the only one I have and I can't cut her out". I know. But you aren't saying that you don't love her or don't need her . . . you just need her to be addiction free. This mom is better than no mom is not true in this case because she hasn't acted like a mom in a very long time. She's already not being a mom. While her addiction drives her, she has some choice in how she treats you.
And one other thing-------- picture your daughter in your lap. Picture someone going off on her, bullying her, cutting her down, degrading her such as your mom does to you. What would you do? Okay, that little girl is on your lap and it is YOU. Protect yourself in the same manner. It's appropriate here.
I'll pm you later. I'm so sorry hon. This is big stuff that cuts us to the quick. I was tough in my words but don't think for a second that I don't know how hard and painful this is. Peace.
I'm going to cut to the chase and you aren't going to like it----------- I'd not leave my daughter with this weekend, next weekend or again. Look how she treated you hon. She does not need a new victim.
Co dependence. It is real and it perpetuates the problem. Clearly your dad is codependent. He loves you dearly but allowed your mother to abuse you your entire life. He chose to "keep the peace" rather than doing what is right and proper by his child. He will do the same with your daughter when it comes to your mother. Your aunt, codependent. Living with and doing things to allow the disease to continue in a copacetic way is codependence. I know she has MS but her addiction is unacceptable.
You do not need to be codependent. Do for your daughter what no one did for you. Stand up and say "enough. You may not be around my daughter unless you seek help for your alcoholism." This will kill your dad as it sounds like no one sets boundaries with your mom and everyone goes along with it. But there should have been boundaries all along. I will tell you my story in a pm later today. I've taken hard and difficult stances in my adult life. It is the only way to stop the cycle.
I'd go to an al anon meeting. Your mom does love you but she hates herself and she takes it out on you. You are not a lost little girl. You are a strong, smart grown woman that doesn't have to that c rap from anyone. She is sick and deserves empathy but it stops there. You do not have to listen to it or be involved in it.
You are probably saying "but she is my mom and the only one I have and I can't cut her out". I know. But you aren't saying that you don't love her or don't need her . . . you just need her to be addiction free. This mom is better than no mom is not true in this case because she hasn't acted like a mom in a very long time. She's already not being a mom. While her addiction drives her, she has some choice in how she treats you.
And one other thing-------- picture your daughter in your lap. Picture someone going off on her, bullying her, cutting her down, degrading her such as your mom does to you. What would you do? Okay, that little girl is on your lap and it is YOU. Protect yourself in the same manner. It's appropriate here.
I'll pm you later. I'm so sorry hon. This is big stuff that cuts us to the quick. I was tough in my words but don't think for a second that I don't know how hard and painful this is. Peace.
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