Just found out......

[concernedabit77]

I just found out that my bf of 3 years slept with his co-worker the night his mother died almost a year before we got togehter he said he was messed up mentally hey still work togetehr and im sick about...he says it was one time cause he needed someone...He says he understands im hurt but its his past an we agreed not discuss that stuff so he didnt think he skhould tell me. I think he should have considering they still work together.  I'm not sure i can get over this...

any advice

[Gotmoxy]

Once your couples counseling begins, you will start receiving the healing you so badly need. You need to regain your security that was taken away with bad past relationships. Post back here and let us know how it goes.

[concernedabit77]

i know u r right...like i said i needed to hear it..and like u said about that nagging voice that won't let it go  that keeps saying what if something has been going on all this time and I don't know how to quiet it. i know im hurting him..i can see it in his face, the stress and pain that im causing our whole family...thanks again for your honesty, insight and help...all of you.

J

[specialmom]

You were writing when I was writing.  I think that it would be okay for him to maybe lesson the outside work activity until you feel better.  Certainly he can pull back a bit and be able to continue a comfortable working relationship.  I think also knowing that he could have been with her but never pursued anything past the initial time is something else you should think about.  

I think couples therapy would be good but I honestly think you would greatly benefit from therapy alone to work on trust issues you have and anxiety that is clearly interferring with your life.  

I wish you luck.  Anxiety can be hard to deal with--------- but addressing it is essential.  I hope you are able to move past this and have a happy life with what seems to be a really nice guy.  

[specialmom]

Whew!  I just went and took a cold shower and have cooled off.  Obviously your post struck a nerve with me.  

My mother died and it was the worse time in my life.  My heart was in pieces.  And if your boyfriend was the same way it would be such a shame if he made a bad choice during that time of great pain and suffering and then someone that supposedly loved him punished him for it for the rest of his life.  It is cruel and wrong in my opinion.

I am worried about you and your inability to have empathy for your boyfriend.  You've made a tough time in his life about you.  That is not right.  I think you (not him but YOU) have done great damage to your relationship.


That you are obsessed with something that happened before you came into the picture seems to me that you are suffering from anxiety.  I think therapy is something that should happen to help you overcome this.  

Again, sorry for coming across a little harshly but I'm feeling terrible for your boyfriend at this point.  good luck working through this.  

[concernedabit77]

i know i have an issue..believe me i do...and I appreciated your brutal honesty...i need to hear it..i've been so many rotten relationships having a good one is hard...i keep thinking the "what if" he is lying... i know this on me...he suggested couples counseling to help us...i agreed...i just don't know how to get it out of my head...everytime he talks to her, about her (she's his assistant basically) my heart sinks..i told him i am trying to understand that his feelins were probably driven by grief...he said not probably they were...that what he thought he felt wasn't real...i just hate that they are friends...he alwasy trys to help her cause she has issues as well...he said he is just being a friend and thats all...they have these fights and he says its all work related and she is unstable most of the time she always says she is going to kill herself and he said he doesnt want to see that happen, thats why he talks to her and tries to help her....

[Ashelen]

specialmom and gotmoxy said what I would have said perfectly.

I think you are being fairly cruel as well; he is pouring his heart out to you and if you can just let him continue to hurt over something he DID NOT DO TO YOU (you were not with him!) then I'm not sure you deserve these protestations of love and devotion.

you need to give up this thing you're holding on to and realize that he loves you, he's loved you since the day he met you, and his past BEFORE YOU is irrelevant...or let him go.

also. stop with the emails. he deserves better. go see him face-to-face.

[specialmom]

I'll be honest with you.  I think what you are doing is cruel.  You were not with him.  You were not with him.  You were not with him.  His mother died and he leaned on someone.  Have you ever lost someone to death that you adored?  I have.  You can feel like the world is ending.  

I guess I am done being sympathetic about it and would say that you have a bit of an issue.  It is okay if you ruin your relationship over this but it will be your fault and your fault alone.  If you can't get over it, I do honestly suggest a therapist.  

To be totally honest with you, if I were him I would break up with you right now.  Your reaction to what he did when not with you during a time of great pain and to make the loss of his mother even more painful on your behalf would be enough for me to move on.

[Gotmoxy]

Ok this is plain as day. He really loves you and cares about you!!! Everyone has exes and ex flings. The fact that he works with his, is no different then if you guys were to live down the street from her. Those emails speak of strong feelings for you, and if you continue to bring this up, you will ruin what you have.

[concernedabit77]

Well just got back from vacation..it was a little tense..im still really having an issue with this...it *****..i

here is some of the stuff he has said via email and inperson...it's hard for me to talk to him face to face about this....so i tend to send emails


I honestly have not stop thinking about you since I woke up today. I feel terrible about how you feel and I regret anything I have did that hurt you. You and only you are the only person I’ve been with since we started going out. I love you more than I love anything. I will tell you this every hour on the hour if you need me to. I love everything about you and thats why we live together and I SHARE everything I have with you. I LOVE YOU !!!!!!!

I’m sitting here by myself crying and having what I believe is anxiety attacks ! I truly can see what pain you are in but you have to believe in me or were done ! I don’t know what to do ! I haven’t been shook like this in a long time ! I miss you so much ! I miss kisses , holding you , everything ! I cant continue to even write this e-mail ! I HOPE FOR THE BEST !

Why do you not understand that I love you and only you ! I don’t have feelings for her and haven’t since I realized what I had in you & honestly don’t know if I was ever attracted to her ! Like I’ve been telling you since you this started this mess when we became a couple YOU are the only one I wanted to be with. Its like your trying to push me away are you ?  I don’t have those feelings anymore ! trust me !

It was the worst time in my life and if I didn’t have someone help me I don’t know what would have happened. When I needed someone she was there for me ! Its not like that anymore ! Normally I don’t need no one to help with my issues but I just did then ! You don’t know how bad the demons were inside me ! I was able to put it behind me and what really put it all behind me was YOU ! Believe it or not.

I got ur back I want us back more than u know. I will listen to whatever u have to say. I need u to trust me in what I'm saying. I can't tell u more than I already have that u just need to believe me when I tell u that there's nothing there between me an her an I love u more than I have ever loved anyone !!! U are my complete package , u are my world an its killing me to see u like this !

Honestly Im not scared you’ll leave I came to the conclusion last week that you were and I told myself if it happens that I have no other choice but to pull myself together and continue on with my life without you. I honestly need you to trust me. I know the entire thing seams fishy but Im telling you the truth. Now I wish more than ever that my moms didn’t die because this would have not ever been an issue !

[Gotmoxy]

I have anxiety/OCD also. I understand how you feel. I have dealt with the same issue as you before. That's why I said to not let it get to you. You have all the facts, he hasn't done anything to break your trust, and you also have everyone on this thread telling you to let it go, and not to let it ruin the special relationship you have now. Do you know how lucky you are? You have a wonderful man, a new house, and two children. Many women would kill for what you have! If your anxiety or compulsive thoughts are beginning to take ahold of you, then maybe it's time to talk to your doctor about medication for it. I know what you're going through. I'm dealing with my anxiety. You should join the anxiety forum on here. You will meet so many people like yourself. It may give you the proper tools you need to deal with your everyday issues.

[PromisedLand]

are you in any kind of therapy for your anxiety/ocd stuff?  you need to discuss this with your therapist, or you're going to live a miserable life and possibly lose this guy.


Jim

[concernedabit77]

i do have anxiety disorder..ocd/obsessive thoughts..had it for years...i'm divorced..first husband cheated...i have a 6 y/o and the baby is one...i went through his emails and found old emails in the sent file from a few years back...im not necessarily upset that it happened...i am uspet that there were some feelings..he says its cause of the state of mind he was in...and that there is nothing there now and there hasnt been since that time...he says that if he were in my possition that he would be upset to but that he would trust me if i said there was nothing going on...i'm so sad, angry and hurt and i just dont know how to get over it

[specialmom]

I agree with Vance.  I think your feelings here are more about you than what he did.  I am guessing your head tells you that this was in the past and had nothing to do with you but your inner voice that gets in the way won't let you just let that be.  You've got to get a handle on that inner voice.  Understanding why you have it is important.  Hard question-------- do you have relationship problems?  Do you question whether your man loves you?  Do you feel insecure that he may desire other women?  Are you afraid he will be tempted by someone else?  These are marital issues to work out.  

Or is this about how you feel about yourself and people in general?  Have others let you down before?  Do you have esteem issues that go way back?  How old is your baby?  Could you be having postpartum issues (that are REAL and can make us anxious and reactive to things we might not be otherwise)?  Could you have some low level depression/anxiety going on or even a touch of obsessive compulsive (obsessive thought is one of the symptoms)?  I think you need to do some soul searching as to what is at the bottom of this.  Because it is understandable to be weirded out and not thrilled they are still friends and working together--------- it is by no means in the category to derail a stable relationship.  You need to discover within yourself why it is going there for you.  

Would  therapy be an option?  A professional may be able to help you sort that out.  

By the way--------- how did you find out about this?

[concernedabit77]

thanks..i am taking all your comments to heart...Its very hard for me to accept their relationship now...because they are friends...and now i look at their friendship differently...he said it was the lowerst point in his life and basically he is thankful to her for helping him through...guess i am jealous of that bond they have there...he''s afraid im going to leave him...he said this is the first time in his life that he ever gave someone all of him and that nothing has occurred between them since that time and that since the time we became a couple he has never strayed...he says he doesnt get why i dont trust him...i really do love this man with all my heart..I just don;t want to be stupid

thanks j

[Vance2335]

Two statements you made really stand out with me "i don't trust anyone really" and "but I feel a trust has been broken". These 2 statements seem to contradict themselves, but also seem like they should not exist when you are talking about your bf.

If you don't trust anyone I can only assume that it is because you have had one or more experiences with parents or relatives or boyfriends that has built up this wall so you don't trust. And this is something that you should work on if you want a health relationship. Maybe seek a therapist to help you with your trust issues.

And the second statement as I said contradicts the 1st but even if you did trust him what did he do to you that would break that trust? Nothing. You were not with him, you and him were not even on the radar. He was going through a hard process and when someone has a lot to deal with often other emotions get confused and they do things that they would not normally do. Him having sex with someone before you has nothing to do with you. Never has and never will.

So overall you need to move on from this, nothing you will do is going to change his past nor will it change your past. You need to focus on the present and focus on what you have. And again I would seek a therapist to help deal with your trust issues.

[concernedabit77]

what hurts is that he did care for her...he says she got him through that time...this just hurts like hell...i keep pictuing it

thanks again

[specialmom]

Ya know, I actually think he was really honest with you.  He was going through a rough time.  And let me tell you, I lost my mom and that is a painful experience like none other I've ever been through.  I was almost a little crazy with my grief.  So, they were friends and something happened.  He didn't feel anything for her and they never dated.  

My husband had this female friend and we hung out with her a few times.  After about a year of dating, he mentioned that they had had a fling.  Huh?  Well, I was grossed out and did look at her and their friendship a little differently, but it really didn't change anything.  He was MY boyfriend and said he loved me.  I felt confident in that so I didn't let it get to me.

You have to not let this get to you.  It really isn't worth it.  He did not cheat.  He left out the info . . . maybe because you are insecure or he  knew you wouldn't like him to be friends with her and it would be awkward . . . and honestly, I don't blame him for that.  Cowardly, yes----------  but see how you feel?  And there is a really good chance he didn't tell you because it was meaningless.  

But either way--------- really, don't give into your demons that make this a bigger deal than it is.  Give him a hug and tell him you are glad that he is yours.  And mean it.  And move on.  good luck

[concernedabit77]

Thank you for listening...i don't have any to talk about this with.  I hope I can get past this i love him so much...but I feel a trust has been broken...i now look at their relationship differently..idk what to think

thanks j

[specialmom]

Hi,  this was a year before you were with him.  I know it is hard to look at her the same and their relationship the same but if he wanted to be with her . . . he would have.  He didn't and now he is with you.  You should not sabotage a good relationship over something like that.  It is SO not worth it.  We all come with a past.  And . . . would you rather that every woman he was ever with hated him?  

I say this with kindness in my heart------- you are completely overreacting. You were not together and you should believe that even if your husband worked with Heidi Klum that he comes home to you and that is all that matters.  I'm wondering about some self esteem issues or perhaps some postpartum issues going on.  

I agree that it stinks he works with someone he had a one night stand with and they are now friends-------- it is not worth fighting with him over it or looking at your relationship as different because of this.  Otherwise------- why shouldn't he cheat now?  He'd get a similar reaction.  

So good luck, enjoy your vacation, baby and new house.  Don't let this bother you.  If there are issues in the relationship---------- address them but don't hold someone's past against them.  

[Ashelen]

there's no reason not to continue like you have.....look at it this way, he didn't have to tell you the truth and nothing would've changed but he respected you enough to tell you the truth....and it was before you got together! even though they work together I think that they can continue to be platonic. Not saying it shouldn't bother you, it should, but I think it's OK to let it go and trust him and continue to live your life with him in the absence of any active signs that he's cheating.

[concernedabit77]

its so hard...cause they are friends..he said she helped through a very hard time..i don't trust anyone really...she has been to our house i know her very well..she is very average appearance wise...i went through his emails and there were some in the sent file from right before we got together...i cant stop crying we have a baby and just bought a house and suppsed to go on vacation next week...im so broken over this

[Gotmoxy]

Yes you can get over it. Nobody likes to have visuals of their partner's past, myself included. I understand how it feels. How did you find out? Did he just tell you, or by somebody else? I'm sure he didn't want to upset you, and that is the reason for not telling you. I would have felt the same way, being in his position. Why bring up the past, if it doesn't affect us now? Sure they may work together, but that is it. Is this woman very attractive, and it makes you feel threatened? Any woman, myself included, could relate to that. He told you he understands how you feel. Is he doing anything suspicious, that would cause you to believe he may not be through with her? If not, and you trust him 100%, then there is no need to be upset about something that happened long before he met you. It's not like he can just quit his job or demand her to leave. Just think of it this way, he's with you, not her. There's nothing to worry about.