Aa
losing patience with my husband
I am a 35 yr old woman. My husband and I have been married for 12 yrs now and we have two beautiful children. Two years ago we had a big fight over our families and we both got hurt. After that we are having lot of argument/dispute in our relationship. I tried talking to him many times that lets forget that bad instance but he is having hard time getting over it and he has created this wall around him that its hard to talk to him now. He just says that he doesn't want anything in life now. Its getting hard for me to keep up with his emotions and I am losing my patience. We have been going together to therapist for almost one year now and nothing seems to help as he doesn't want to hear what anyone says. If I ask him to do something then he says he is not expecting anything from me then I also shouldn't expect anything from him. Its hard for me to accept the fact that two people living together and not wanting/expecting anything from each other.
Please help.
Please help.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there dear, welcome to medhelp I'd try posting your question under your own thread as this one is old. You will get more responses that way.
When mother in laws interfere, it is hard whether it is yours or his. I usually think that the husband/wife or partners need to be on the same page and then the person who's parent it is can set the boundaries with them.
What kinds of issues are you having? Feel free to start your own thread as i mentioned and give some details. good luck
When mother in laws interfere, it is hard whether it is yours or his. I usually think that the husband/wife or partners need to be on the same page and then the person who's parent it is can set the boundaries with them.
What kinds of issues are you having? Feel free to start your own thread as i mentioned and give some details. good luck
Hey laura, I need your advice too. can you please guide me as well... i have been trying to keep up my marriage... but my situation is same like everyone else... mother in law interfering, and husband not talking to me because of her...
Divorce is the last option... but before that I want to try each n every possible way to keeep our relation, coz everything was good before a 3rd person entered into our lifes.
Divorce is the last option... but before that I want to try each n every possible way to keeep our relation, coz everything was good before a 3rd person entered into our lifes.
Yeah I know that my in law just can't cut the stupid strings. Not a smart woman my mother-in-law, she should have figured out by now she is screwing up her own life by doing it.
My fathers mother didn't like my mother any for pretty much the same reason, and last year my grandmother died, and you know what I didn't even cry because I didn't really know her. She was my blood, but not my grandma. She just wasn't there for me. Or she would say she would come over and lie and not come.
Bad part was at first when I was younger I blamed my mom for not being nice to my grandma, and then later in life I discovered it wasn't my mom at all.
In-laws.............ggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
My fathers mother didn't like my mother any for pretty much the same reason, and last year my grandmother died, and you know what I didn't even cry because I didn't really know her. She was my blood, but not my grandma. She just wasn't there for me. Or she would say she would come over and lie and not come.
Bad part was at first when I was younger I blamed my mom for not being nice to my grandma, and then later in life I discovered it wasn't my mom at all.
In-laws.............ggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
IF YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND AND YOU WANT HIM IN YOUR LIFE TRY TO WORK ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. YOU ARE NOT ADDING NOTHING POSITIVE IF YOU DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM. MEN GET ANGRY IF THERE WIFE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM. IT WILL NOT HELP YOUR RELATIONSHIP IF YOU DENY HIM THAT. I KNOW IT'S NOT EASY TO FEEL SAD AND HURT WITH YOUR SITUATION AND ON TOP OF THAT FEELING LIKE AN OBJECT. BUT MAYBE HE REALLY LOVES YOU, BUT CAN'T SEE THE WRONG DOING BECAUSE IT'S HIS FAMILY, AND SOME PEOPLE NEVER DO. TRY TO CULTIVATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP. TRY TO CREATE HAPPY MEMORIES, GREAT MOMENTS. ROMANTIC ONES, FAMILY ONES (YOUR KIDS, YOUR HUSBAND AND YOU); A SHORT VACATION, LIKE A WEEKEND; GOING OUT, DOING THINGS YOU CAN ENJOY AND HE CAN TOO. BEST OF LUCK. DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP, YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, 12 YEARS.
Keep in mind "it is not YOU" she would have an issue with any wife. She can't cut the apron strings, and can accept that sonny boy now grew up and has a wife.
As for your children, when ours were old enough I told them everything WITHOUT trashing her because you've to be careful, NOT that kids don't believe you or me, but trashing their grandmother when they have not experienced and lived through it like we as adults did they could get confused, and maybe even feel sorry for their grandmother should she decide to talk to them, and give them a sob story.
Our kids understood, but I still left it up to them if they want to go visit her, but they had no desire, after all no matter how she felt about me that shouldn't have given her the reason to never pick up the phone and call her grandkids asking them "how are you, how is school" you know the usual talk. NEVER happened! She transfered her dislike for me to our kids, her flesh and blood grandkids.
It was her loss!
As for your children, when ours were old enough I told them everything WITHOUT trashing her because you've to be careful, NOT that kids don't believe you or me, but trashing their grandmother when they have not experienced and lived through it like we as adults did they could get confused, and maybe even feel sorry for their grandmother should she decide to talk to them, and give them a sob story.
Our kids understood, but I still left it up to them if they want to go visit her, but they had no desire, after all no matter how she felt about me that shouldn't have given her the reason to never pick up the phone and call her grandkids asking them "how are you, how is school" you know the usual talk. NEVER happened! She transfered her dislike for me to our kids, her flesh and blood grandkids.
It was her loss!
First thing is first you can't change your in-laws no matter how hard you try. Understand it isn't you, it's them. His mother might be very jealous of you..........I know Barbarella and my mother-in-laws are jealous of us. hehehehe
Would you like to email me and we can have discussions about this. It took my husband and I 2 years of fighting and me getting so mad because my husband always would say I feel stuck in the middle. First thing someone told my husband when he said that was you can't be in the middle because there is no middle in marriage when there are only two people.
Let me know if you want to email.
Would you like to email me and we can have discussions about this. It took my husband and I 2 years of fighting and me getting so mad because my husband always would say I feel stuck in the middle. First thing someone told my husband when he said that was you can't be in the middle because there is no middle in marriage when there are only two people.
Let me know if you want to email.
My husband always makes me guilty that I have caused him and his family lot of pain and he doesn't want me to be near his family. He says that he is living with me because he loves me. I never get the feeling of being loved, respected or cared by him. He purposely does all the things around the house that he knows I don't like. He always makes me feel like a failure. Many times I heard my mother in law and sister in law feeding him these things behind my back. I hope someday he realizes that none of it is my fault.
Laura, you mentioned that to get my mother-in-law out I have to do a lot of work. Can you please elaborate on that. I want to do it to save my marriage.
Laura, you mentioned that to get my mother-in-law out I have to do a lot of work. Can you please elaborate on that. I want to do it to save my marriage.
Heres something I forgot to add.
My husband did yell at his mother telling her she isn't nice to me and that she needs to stop talking about me because she caused it all herself, and you know what it did no good because his family will always blame me. So, I don't think if your husband would've stood up and said something that it would have done any good, they probably would've still blamed you.
Heres how sure I am about that statement.
We caught my mother-in-law in the act of bad mouthing me to the family while she was holding my daughter. We left our video cammera at their house in our diaper bag while my husband and I left to go to Wal-Mart. My husband knew all about it by the way. We caught her and my husband comfronted her about it, and she said we were bad people for taping her without her knowing it. hahaha Even after we heard the bad things she was saying about me while she held my daughter, I still got blamed for something else. Won't ever change.
OMG I could write a book about this subject!!!!!!
My husband did yell at his mother telling her she isn't nice to me and that she needs to stop talking about me because she caused it all herself, and you know what it did no good because his family will always blame me. So, I don't think if your husband would've stood up and said something that it would have done any good, they probably would've still blamed you.
Heres how sure I am about that statement.
We caught my mother-in-law in the act of bad mouthing me to the family while she was holding my daughter. We left our video cammera at their house in our diaper bag while my husband and I left to go to Wal-Mart. My husband knew all about it by the way. We caught her and my husband comfronted her about it, and she said we were bad people for taping her without her knowing it. hahaha Even after we heard the bad things she was saying about me while she held my daughter, I still got blamed for something else. Won't ever change.
OMG I could write a book about this subject!!!!!!
I too have never told my husband he couldn't see his mother, because then I don't want to be blamed one day when she dies.
His family loved me when we were dating, but the day that we got married, his mother turned!!!!!!
Then she liked me again when I was pregnant with her first grand child, but then when the child was born, she turned again!!!!!!!!!
Heck she even went so far to make a big deal about the pictures I had when our first daughter was born, she said I had more pics of my family with her then with her family. UUUUUUMMMMMMMM I wasn't even the one that took the pics.
I know that my husband will always try to win his mothers approval, even though he states other wise, but I like how things are now. They never come down, and we never go up there. Every so often they will stop by, like every few months or so.
My mother told me something that helped me find peace within myself and our marriage.
"They Never Liked You, And They Never Will So Get Over It".
I took her baby boy away from her, and she just can't get over it.
The only bad thing is my older daughter (5) is now realizing that Grammie doesn't come around as much as she goes over to the other grandkids house.
I never say anything bad about her to my girls and I never will, but my girls will figure out when they get older that Grammie caused it herself.
His family loved me when we were dating, but the day that we got married, his mother turned!!!!!!
Then she liked me again when I was pregnant with her first grand child, but then when the child was born, she turned again!!!!!!!!!
Heck she even went so far to make a big deal about the pictures I had when our first daughter was born, she said I had more pics of my family with her then with her family. UUUUUUMMMMMMMM I wasn't even the one that took the pics.
I know that my husband will always try to win his mothers approval, even though he states other wise, but I like how things are now. They never come down, and we never go up there. Every so often they will stop by, like every few months or so.
My mother told me something that helped me find peace within myself and our marriage.
"They Never Liked You, And They Never Will So Get Over It".
I took her baby boy away from her, and she just can't get over it.
The only bad thing is my older daughter (5) is now realizing that Grammie doesn't come around as much as she goes over to the other grandkids house.
I never say anything bad about her to my girls and I never will, but my girls will figure out when they get older that Grammie caused it herself.
I thought I was the only one who had the mother in law from hell (she is dead now). I wont even get into what this dame has done to me emotionally, it would be an endless post.
My husband too never spoke up, BUT he stopped seing her, which was good for me, but still not so good because I got the blame, I was the reason that he was not seing her, I was the one who stopped sonny boy from seing his mommy, and later got the cold shoulder from that whole family, and still do, decades later.
BTW, I never told him that he couldn't see his mother. I'd have never done that. She was still his mother, I'm not that evil of a person despite the way she treated me, if he only had told her "why" he is not seing her anymore instead he kept silent and I got the blame.
My husband too never spoke up, BUT he stopped seing her, which was good for me, but still not so good because I got the blame, I was the reason that he was not seing her, I was the one who stopped sonny boy from seing his mommy, and later got the cold shoulder from that whole family, and still do, decades later.
BTW, I never told him that he couldn't see his mother. I'd have never done that. She was still his mother, I'm not that evil of a person despite the way she treated me, if he only had told her "why" he is not seing her anymore instead he kept silent and I got the blame.
by the way, my husband and my marriage is very good now. We came together and pushed his mother out of our marriage. You couldn't believe how much better it makes a marriage. We are happy, and his mother lost out on her grand kids lives. She just kept pushing and pushing, and in the end my husband picked his wife and daughters. Sure we still see his family, but it has never been the same. Nor will it ever. I truly feel sorry for my father-in-law because he lost a good relationship with his son because my mother-in-law wouldn't let go of her son.
I completely get where you are coming from, because as I stated earlier our marriage almost ended due to the third person in our marriage (his mother).
I have a great husband and marriage, but I also have the mother-in-law from hell.
I would love to help you and give you some guidence on how to stop letting this control your life. You must stop letting it control your marriage.
What has happened is that you let your mother-in-law control your marriage.
My husband was just like yours is. He took my mother-in-laws side, and I think partly is because men when they are little boys are taught to treat their mothers like queens. Sounds like your husband is trying to get his mothers approval.
You have got to stop complaining about your mother-in-law to your husband. That won't help at all. You need to let your mother-in-law give herself enough slack to hang herself.
Your mother-in-law wouldn't have been able to be the 3rd person in your marriage if there wasn't issues in the marriage. You and your husband let her in. To get your mother-in-law out you are going to have to do alot of work. I will give you my email address if you would like. Let me know.
I have a great husband and marriage, but I also have the mother-in-law from hell.
I would love to help you and give you some guidence on how to stop letting this control your life. You must stop letting it control your marriage.
What has happened is that you let your mother-in-law control your marriage.
My husband was just like yours is. He took my mother-in-laws side, and I think partly is because men when they are little boys are taught to treat their mothers like queens. Sounds like your husband is trying to get his mothers approval.
You have got to stop complaining about your mother-in-law to your husband. That won't help at all. You need to let your mother-in-law give herself enough slack to hang herself.
Your mother-in-law wouldn't have been able to be the 3rd person in your marriage if there wasn't issues in the marriage. You and your husband let her in. To get your mother-in-law out you are going to have to do alot of work. I will give you my email address if you would like. Let me know.
It has to come from your husband. You can talk to him until your blue in the face but if he can't understand or see his mother's interference than what is there left for you to do. My best friend is trying to go to couples counseling and see if that helps. It's really tough when you see the problem that it causes but your husband doesn't. I wish I could be of more help.
I hear that we have let a third party into our marriage but how to take it out. My husband blames me for everything and he does whatever his Mom asks him to do. Many times I heard my mother in law talking behind my back and filling my husband with all the lies. My husband trusts his parents more than me.
My sister in law is divorced twice because of my mother in law's interference and advices. Now she is trying to break my house and my husband doesn't understand that.
Please help me guide on how to take the third party out.
My sister in law is divorced twice because of my mother in law's interference and advices. Now she is trying to break my house and my husband doesn't understand that.
Please help me guide on how to take the third party out.
I totally hear that laura. My best friend is having the same issue with her hubby and his parents. They have been together for about 13 years and as soon as their son was born the problems just boiled over. His mother became very jealous of her mother spending more time with the baby than her. Plus his parents would come over to the house without asking first and they would make stupid comments. They were so used to controlling everything and now my friend wasn't letting them control how she raised the baby. She would get annoyed because they would have parties and they would just grab her son away and pass him along like he was a rag doll. It just became too much, her husband always took their side and they would make my friend seem as if she was the bad one. He would never defend her, they had a trial separation a few months ago but everyday it's a struggle. Not to mention her husband has never changed one single diaper since their son was born. She just wants him to back her up and he doesn't.
Heres the thing, you guys have let a third party into your marriage. That is really bad, and you must take it out.
I know exactly how you feel about in laws. My mother in law is one of the worse. She got mad at me because I told her when our kids were born only grandparents could hold them at the hospital. (I don't believe a baby is a hot potato) plus I said they had to wash their hands. Her father refused, so he didn't hold our daughter.
My mother in law is extremely jealous of me and my relationship with my husband (her son). My husband even knows this to be true. See her husband doesnt spend alot of time with her, and mine does with me. Plus she doesn't like it that my husband said I cook better then her.
My husband and I almost got divorced 4 years ago, because we let this third person mess with our marriage. We took her out of it, and we now get along better then many married couples.
My husband discovered I was first in his life, and I put him first. You and your husband must do the same thing or risk breaking your marriage up over in law issues.
I don't know about you, but no way would I divorce my husband so that my mother in law would have control over my kids every other weekend. Heck no.
I know exactly how you feel about in laws. My mother in law is one of the worse. She got mad at me because I told her when our kids were born only grandparents could hold them at the hospital. (I don't believe a baby is a hot potato) plus I said they had to wash their hands. Her father refused, so he didn't hold our daughter.
My mother in law is extremely jealous of me and my relationship with my husband (her son). My husband even knows this to be true. See her husband doesnt spend alot of time with her, and mine does with me. Plus she doesn't like it that my husband said I cook better then her.
My husband and I almost got divorced 4 years ago, because we let this third person mess with our marriage. We took her out of it, and we now get along better then many married couples.
My husband discovered I was first in his life, and I put him first. You and your husband must do the same thing or risk breaking your marriage up over in law issues.
I don't know about you, but no way would I divorce my husband so that my mother in law would have control over my kids every other weekend. Heck no.
I'm sorry, MItts, I'm really trying to understand but I don't get at all what happened.
Are you in, like, a cloistered community with certain specific and unusual expectations that in public couples don't sit together, there those who violate the rules are shunned?
I'm not trying to pry, just curious if you said something really ghastly or not, and I'm getting the impression this isn't main street Mayberry USA where you live? I don't understand his family's expectations, and who called your mother to report violating some rule.
Best wshes.
Are you in, like, a cloistered community with certain specific and unusual expectations that in public couples don't sit together, there those who violate the rules are shunned?
I'm not trying to pry, just curious if you said something really ghastly or not, and I'm getting the impression this isn't main street Mayberry USA where you live? I don't understand his family's expectations, and who called your mother to report violating some rule.
Best wshes.
I was really tired of my inlaws bad behaviour towards me. They always accused me and my parents of not having/giving good values. When my husband sat next to me they called my Mom and said that I didn't get good values. They believe that its my fault that my husband came and sat next to me in front of elders. They felt I insulted them. My husband always supports them. He doesn't say a word to them.
They always insult me and my parents and did the same thing when we went to their house two years ago, I got really mad and I told my husband that my Kids will not go to his parents house. Listening to this he got so mad that he called all his extended relatives and my parents in the park and said that he is breaking up any relationship with my parents and if I want to keep relationship with him then my parents and I have to appologize to him. My Dad and I appologized to his family. Still he is not able to forgive.
They always insult me and my parents and did the same thing when we went to their house two years ago, I got really mad and I told my husband that my Kids will not go to his parents house. Listening to this he got so mad that he called all his extended relatives and my parents in the park and said that he is breaking up any relationship with my parents and if I want to keep relationship with him then my parents and I have to appologize to him. My Dad and I appologized to his family. Still he is not able to forgive.
I was hoping you'd say what you said about his family. : ( I'm just curious, sorry for asking twice, no matter.
It does begin to sound like he is most comfortable completely dstant from you - and is using this other thing as an excuse.
Best wishes.
It does begin to sound like he is most comfortable completely dstant from you - and is using this other thing as an excuse.
Best wishes.
He is not a person who can forget and forgive easily. From last two years, I feel like he is punishing me for something. Earlier he use to help with the chores around the house and raising the kids. Now from last two years, he doesn't help in any house hold work or kids homework. If I complain, he says that I need a housecleaner not a husband.
Its hard to argue with him as he doesn't even want to hear other's point. In the night, he does come to me saying he loves me and ask for sex. I feel like I am a sex toy for him. I don''t feel like having any physical intimacy with him and that makes him more angry at me.
Its hard to argue with him as he doesn't even want to hear other's point. In the night, he does come to me saying he loves me and ask for sex. I feel like I am a sex toy for him. I don''t feel like having any physical intimacy with him and that makes him more angry at me.
Check to see if he is having an affair - those words sound all too familiar.
Read Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggeriches. It may give you a new way of doing life.
Read Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggeriches. It may give you a new way of doing life.
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