Aa
Emotional abuse
I have been with my boyfriend for a year, we broke up for a month and a half and then now have been dating again for about 3-4 months. About a month ago, my father was diagnosed with leukemia and it has been really tough for my family, friends and I. The good thing (or so I thought) is that my boyfriend has been through the same thing. His father actually passed away a few years ago.
Lately, I have been having horrible mood swings mostly because i feel so lost and confused about my dad and i seem to be pushing him away. In our past relationship, he used to emotionally abuse me to the max. He would tell me he hated me, f**k you, f**k off.. but then the next day apologize for it once i told him it really hurt and upset me. Well, i thought all of this abuse was over...but it seems to be coming back again because of my mood swings. So i feel that we are both being really mean to each other because the other is being mean. if that makes sense to anyone. What should I do? I really dont want to break up with him because things arent horrible all the time, but during this time of my life with my dad being sick..i really need someone to love and support me, even when i have my mood swings? HELP PLEASE :(
Lately, I have been having horrible mood swings mostly because i feel so lost and confused about my dad and i seem to be pushing him away. In our past relationship, he used to emotionally abuse me to the max. He would tell me he hated me, f**k you, f**k off.. but then the next day apologize for it once i told him it really hurt and upset me. Well, i thought all of this abuse was over...but it seems to be coming back again because of my mood swings. So i feel that we are both being really mean to each other because the other is being mean. if that makes sense to anyone. What should I do? I really dont want to break up with him because things arent horrible all the time, but during this time of my life with my dad being sick..i really need someone to love and support me, even when i have my mood swings? HELP PLEASE :(
i give counselling to different people with problems and am succesful in that too but when it comes to me am left stranded.
hi.. am a 29 year old single for the past 4 months, after i split from my GF, i been into much stres ofr the past 3 years but i really regret its all mu mistake cos i dint give any pleasure to my GF like getting her out or gifts, my unsuccessful career is to be blamed too brought lot of pressure, became an alcoholic, besides my sexual behaviours brought me hell to earth,am a virgin though. addicted to porn alcohol n smokin but has stopped it very lately like two weeks. now in the depression phase, mood swings, varicocele problems (have to be operated again i guess lots of things like this makes me mad) but i was truthful to my gF only by not sleepin wwith any other girl. yet i was unfaithful i knew by involving in dirty acts like watchin porn and drinking daily and abusing her.. i never knew a year passed away and i lost my career.. now she treats me as a stranger cos i dint call her cos of my ego. now she doesnt picks my call too... she says am a sadist.. she hates me to the core but now i realise relationship is essential and loyalty is much more.. i wish to be a truthful husband to her, but she doesnt want to marry me.. am undegoing pain in mind as well as body.. the varicocel pain kills me and scares me if it will leave me impotent cos i di that operation in 2007 when the sperm count increased after surgery, but now i feel the sperm quality is not better.. am almost a walkin corpse.. guilty all over. i want my girl back, cos i don wanna live with anyone else other than her, i cant too.. my GF knows nothing of my dirty behaviours but she hated me for drinking and not be a man to her in gettin her things she is 22.. am worried i still have lots but there wont be enuf space. help
thank you so much everyone! i got a book from the library about relationships (dorky, i know) and the things in there, and everything you all have said really made me reconsider things. and thank you everyone for the wishes for my dad.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I also want to say that I commend you for being honest with yourself and seeing that your mood swings and mean comments are also part of the problem right now. Looking at ourselves and how we deal with a crisis is a good way to learn better ways. Life will be full of twists and turns that we will have to deal with. A serious illness of a family member, especially a parent can be emotionally overwhelming.
I think if you want to hang onto this relationship, you will both have to make some changes during stressful times. Best of luck to you and recovery wishes for your dad.
I think if you want to hang onto this relationship, you will both have to make some changes during stressful times. Best of luck to you and recovery wishes for your dad.
I don't know. I think that if you left someone there was a good reason for it and you should trust your initial instincts and stay away......
If this is something you want to work out, you've got to know that this is his personality.
I am sorry that you are going through this! And am especially sorry that you are with someone like that. You are worth more and deserve more, and if you let yourself believe these truths you will find someone that will grow with you and comfort you in times of tragedy and not treat you badly and add to your pain.....
If this is something you want to work out, you've got to know that this is his personality.
I am sorry that you are going through this! And am especially sorry that you are with someone like that. You are worth more and deserve more, and if you let yourself believe these truths you will find someone that will grow with you and comfort you in times of tragedy and not treat you badly and add to your pain.....
Family crisis or illness usually brings couples TOGETHER, not drive a wedge between you (as it appears is happening with you and your boyfriend).
My illness has brought my wife and I closer together than ever before, and has only made us both realize how fragile life truly is, and how we're supposed to saver each and every moment we have together.
Maybe it's time you said goodbye to your boyfriend. He might not have dealt with the demons of his past (his fathers passing), and this might be a little too close to home for him. He may be lashing out (again) as a way of coping with his past, and you just happen to be an easy target.
I say, 'Bye-bye boyfriend. Hello Dad', and throw all your energy into helping your Dad through what HE'S going through. He'll need you now more than ever. Just think of all the times when you were a little girl and he was there to put a bandaid on a skinned knee, or to pick you up when you fell, or made the hurt go away when you didn't feel well... it's your turn to do the same for him.
My illness has brought my wife and I closer together than ever before, and has only made us both realize how fragile life truly is, and how we're supposed to saver each and every moment we have together.
Maybe it's time you said goodbye to your boyfriend. He might not have dealt with the demons of his past (his fathers passing), and this might be a little too close to home for him. He may be lashing out (again) as a way of coping with his past, and you just happen to be an easy target.
I say, 'Bye-bye boyfriend. Hello Dad', and throw all your energy into helping your Dad through what HE'S going through. He'll need you now more than ever. Just think of all the times when you were a little girl and he was there to put a bandaid on a skinned knee, or to pick you up when you fell, or made the hurt go away when you didn't feel well... it's your turn to do the same for him.
Along with what specialmom and RockRose said, I think it's also important to consider that he has lost his father, and to the same illness yours is enduring. That being said, it's easy to see that emotions are probably running high on all sides.
As RockRose mentioned, you don't describe how your mood swings are, but if your boyfriend is telling you the things he is, I'm also assuming that your mood swings are not the sad, clingy type. Without knowing many personal details of your interacting, I can only guess that in his mind, he wants to comfort you because he not only knows the pain of enduring what you're going through, but his pain goes deeper...into knowing what it's like to lose your father. You have not experienced that, and I pray you don't have to from this situation, as I'm sure he also hopes you will never feel that pain. However, when his efforts to comfort you, or perhaps even express to you how he feels because HE may need or want some emotional support from you since he is, in a way, dealing with the same situation all over again, are pushed away in a not so pleasant manner on the excuse of a mood swing...I can see how that can push emotions into anger on his end.
I think both of you need to work on communicating better, with more understanding. Specialmom offered some wonderful advice on how you can do that.
I hope things get better for you. I also know what it's like to have a parent suffer through cancer. My mom has battled colon cancer twice and she has beat it twice, but those were two times of my life that were emotionally overwhelming. Life or death situations always are. So it's critical that you have an outlet that works in a healthy way, rather than against each other.
As RockRose mentioned, you don't describe how your mood swings are, but if your boyfriend is telling you the things he is, I'm also assuming that your mood swings are not the sad, clingy type. Without knowing many personal details of your interacting, I can only guess that in his mind, he wants to comfort you because he not only knows the pain of enduring what you're going through, but his pain goes deeper...into knowing what it's like to lose your father. You have not experienced that, and I pray you don't have to from this situation, as I'm sure he also hopes you will never feel that pain. However, when his efforts to comfort you, or perhaps even express to you how he feels because HE may need or want some emotional support from you since he is, in a way, dealing with the same situation all over again, are pushed away in a not so pleasant manner on the excuse of a mood swing...I can see how that can push emotions into anger on his end.
I think both of you need to work on communicating better, with more understanding. Specialmom offered some wonderful advice on how you can do that.
I hope things get better for you. I also know what it's like to have a parent suffer through cancer. My mom has battled colon cancer twice and she has beat it twice, but those were two times of my life that were emotionally overwhelming. Life or death situations always are. So it's critical that you have an outlet that works in a healthy way, rather than against each other.
What specialmom said.
Couples that survive, when they go through crisis, turn TO each other, not ON each other.
Romantic love is not unconditional love. Unconditional love is for our children.
If you were had one or two "mood swings" where you took out frustration on him, he'd probably be fine. But a continuing cycle of being rude to him will get the same back in return.
You don't describe your "mood swings" but my guess is they don't cause you to be clingy and sad, which most guys can put up with during a crisis.
Couples that survive, when they go through crisis, turn TO each other, not ON each other.
Romantic love is not unconditional love. Unconditional love is for our children.
If you were had one or two "mood swings" where you took out frustration on him, he'd probably be fine. But a continuing cycle of being rude to him will get the same back in return.
You don't describe your "mood swings" but my guess is they don't cause you to be clingy and sad, which most guys can put up with during a crisis.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. Well, first let me say that I am very sorry about your dad. A serious illness in a family can cause emotions and feelings to be all over the place. When it is a parent, a feeling of panic can surface and anxiety can really take its toll. Make sure you are exercising (the body's natural stress reliever), getting sleep and also staying active in the things in lfe that are musts like work. All helps the mind deal with emotional distress. If you feel yourself slipping into a funk that is persisting and the mood swings get worse, then really, I encourage you to talk to your doctor. You don't want to suffer a bout of depression/anxiety while dealing with the stress of your father's illness. It makes it that much harder to deal with.
So, now on to your boyfriend. Well, there is a fine line between "emotional abuse" and just a guy who can't control his words when he is ticked off. He sounds like he doesn't handle his anger well and uses his words to hurt back. This is not uncommon and learning how to express himself when he is mad is really something he needs to work on. The time to have this discussion is during a good moment when you are getting along just fine. Communicate openly that you notice when he is mad that he lashes out with his words. Ask him what else he can do. What about noticing he is getting angry and "taking a walk". And you let him go for that walk and don't try to talk to him right then. Wait until he feels better then you can talk. Maybe you can buy him a book to write in when he is mad (and don't look at it as it is his chance to write the things instead of saying them------------ knowing it is just venting and that is how he does it. It doesn't sound like he means it------------ he just gets mad and says it at the time). But I think just defusing the situation (and he has to do that) by taking a step away and walking, taking deep breaths, counting, whatever is important to calm himself so he doesn't go to the point of saying cruel things to you.
And you also need to work on the mood swings. I know you are going through a hard time but that doesn't excuse treating him badly either. If you feel like you can't control this, then perhaps breaking up for now is best. It isn't fair to say I am mean to him but he should put up with it because my dad is sick.
Communicating that you are going through a tough time is important here. And you both need to deal with your emotions in a healthy way. If you plan on this relationship going further, I'd suggest couples therapy to better deal with each other when feelings run high. Otherwise, I'm afraid things won't work as the bad times will kill it. good luck
So, now on to your boyfriend. Well, there is a fine line between "emotional abuse" and just a guy who can't control his words when he is ticked off. He sounds like he doesn't handle his anger well and uses his words to hurt back. This is not uncommon and learning how to express himself when he is mad is really something he needs to work on. The time to have this discussion is during a good moment when you are getting along just fine. Communicate openly that you notice when he is mad that he lashes out with his words. Ask him what else he can do. What about noticing he is getting angry and "taking a walk". And you let him go for that walk and don't try to talk to him right then. Wait until he feels better then you can talk. Maybe you can buy him a book to write in when he is mad (and don't look at it as it is his chance to write the things instead of saying them------------ knowing it is just venting and that is how he does it. It doesn't sound like he means it------------ he just gets mad and says it at the time). But I think just defusing the situation (and he has to do that) by taking a step away and walking, taking deep breaths, counting, whatever is important to calm himself so he doesn't go to the point of saying cruel things to you.
And you also need to work on the mood swings. I know you are going through a hard time but that doesn't excuse treating him badly either. If you feel like you can't control this, then perhaps breaking up for now is best. It isn't fair to say I am mean to him but he should put up with it because my dad is sick.
Communicating that you are going through a tough time is important here. And you both need to deal with your emotions in a healthy way. If you plan on this relationship going further, I'd suggest couples therapy to better deal with each other when feelings run high. Otherwise, I'm afraid things won't work as the bad times will kill it. good luck
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