Empty nest syndrome wihtout the empty nest....Am I the only one feeling this way?

[joshjul]

I am the mother of two children. My daughter is turning 16 next month and my son is 20. They both live with me  and my boyfriend but their father lives a few minutes away with his gf and daughter. My boyfriend has lived with us for over 3 years now. Prior to him coming to live with us I was very lonely. Aside form the loss of my marriage, my children really never allowed me the closeness that I so crave with them.  I am a very affectionate person and am the type of mother that does everything for my children., yet I feel that they don't treat me right.I used to want to talk with them or go places with them(shopping, dinner, etc...) but they never really seemed to enjoy spending time with me alone. I realize that when a marriage breaks up it changes the dynamics of a family. I had a huge house at the time and the house seemed emptier withouht their father in. Maybe that was their way of coping, by staying in their respective rooms. my son was a big playstation buff those years. that was his escape I guess. so I allowed it. My daughter is a tough cookie, she doesnt share her feelings with anyone. I am a talker and and open person and begged them to talk to me about their feelings but to no avail. Years have gone by and my kids are much more adjusted to our situation and family dynamics. her father and I get along well and often see alot of eachother and the whole family is together. My issue here is that my kids dont talk to me much. they seem to be fine with going places with their father when he incites them but they never want to go anywhere with me. IT hurts my feelings and Im willing to take them anywhere they want. Ive been asking my son to go away for a few days with me this summer but he never committed to it. then he agreed to go with is sister and father and his family to a beach vacataion for a few days. when my kdis walk through the door they hardly talk to me and go in the room/. I feel a hostility all the time. My daughter treats me terribly. she only talks to me if she needs a ride to her friend but doesnt ever just talk to me. I see alot of my friends who have daughters the same age and they seem so close. they go everywhere together . I am the type of mother that does my kids laundry(yes even my 20 year old son) and I buy them things all the time adn always think about their needs, etc.. soemtimes I cry at night because I feel like im losing them. my son is not in college and only works a part time job . he is a respectful person and people like him but at home he is very aloof to me.My daughter is a great student and ccant wait till she can go away to college. she talks about going far away and makes jokes about it all the time how she cant wait to be on her own in college. I feel as though she already is away and in my heart I feel like she only deals with me because she has to now but in two years when she goes off to school I felel I will hardly every talk to her. I dont have a lot of fmaily myself as I do not have siblings, I lost both of my parents and do not have any other real family other than my kids and my boyfriend( and my ex-husband).  Is there anythign I can do to fix my relationships with my kids b4 it is too alte and they leave for good???? They are all I have and I am terrified that I will not see them much or talk to them once they dont need to be home anymore. And lastly, why is it that they prefer the company of their father, when I am the one that does more for them? HE has another child but I only have them . I cant understand it and I feel terrible hurt.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I'm sorry you are feeling as if your children don't like you or value you.  Part of that is the age, I'm sure.  I know when I try to connect with someone that is important to me of a different generation whether older or younger is to think about what they find enjoyable or are interested in.  Then I learn all about it, I talk to them about that interest making it a common interest, etc.  If they have something they like to do, try it yourself, etc.  

I also think it helps to cater to our kids friends.  My sister has had great success with this.  Her kids friends find going to her house the 'place to be' because she has made it a fun place for kids.  Fridge stocked with kid things to eat and drink, items at the house that kids enjoy such as a pin ball machine, trampoline, etc.  (she's lucky, they even have a pool!).  But she is very generous with them, friendly to them, and welcoming. So, this endears her to her own kids as their friends think she is wonderful.  I do this with my younger kids (who are still of the age to adore me) . ..   we have kids here all the time and I go out of my way to make them at home and happy.  So, butter up their friends and your kids at the same time making your house a great place to be with them.  

I admire any mom that puts in the work to have a relationship with their kids that is positive.  I do think that really pays off in the end.  

but I am sorry you are feeling a bit estranged now.  Keep at it.  Try to find some common ground for things you can enjoy together and hopefully it will come around.

Oh, and this is a toughie.  A big toughie.  I had parents that divorced.  If I felt like my parent (mom or dad) put their partner ahead of me, it made me a little cold.  Not because I was mad about it but because it disturbed that thought that all kids (even teens) have.  They deep down want to believe they are the center of your universe.  That they will always matter more than a new boyfriend or girlfriend or even long term boyfriend or girlfriend.  So, I think always keeping that in mind for the message we send them is important.  

Anyway, stick with it.  I hope it works out.  peace

[BluCrystal]

Hi, Mama.  I also have 2 kids left at home (out of four).  One is in the military, and has a job as well, so takes care of himself financially.  He is 20, and engaged to a girl he has known nearly his whole life.  My girl just got her full driver's license at 17 yo, so she goes all over the place just because she can.  I have another son in college, and my oldest passed away 6 weeks ago.  I am married, and we both work.  There are times, sometimes rather long stretches, where I barely see any of them.  BUT I understand that life itself takes people in different directions, it is the natural way of things.  Your kids do not hate you, they love you.  They are just at that awkward adult-child stage where they don't know how to be loving to you without it feeling awkward.  I'm guessing that their father is more laid back in personality, so right now they are more comfortable with him.  You will never stop being their mom.  They may go away for college and move out on their own, but nothing replaces mom for very long at all.  I say stop trying so hard, Mama!  Relax.  Do things you like to do on your own.  Make friends at church or other places you go, and have coffee with them.  Invite them for dinner.  Let your kids know you are there in a quiet way.  If you are out and see something small you know they would love, buy it, leave it on their beds, and say nothing about it.  Then, when you happen to cross paths with them, you can ask if they liked it (conversation starter), then how they are doing in other aspects of their lives.  Even if the conversation is short, there is LOVE in it, and they will feel it, and THAT is important.  One more thing: NEVER allow them to leave your presence (or you theirs) without saying 'I love you'.  Even if they don't say it back, do it anyway.  I do this with my entire family, so the last thing they heard from me is that I love them.  Blessings - Blu