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What do I do about mixed feelings in my relationship?
Hello everyone,
Please bear with my on reading my story.. Im not 100% sure about anything. I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year and 5 months now and I am starting to feel confused about where our relationship is going and will go..
At the time I met her I was feeling very lonely, I had just moved away from all of my friends and a life I used to enjoy. I started dating her when I was 17 and she was 16. With no prior experience to relationships, I had just done my best to pay attention and do the right things.. and she has done the same. A lot of people talk about how there are stages in relationships and I believe our relationship is in a sort of further stage. Although.. I feel like I'm a stage ahead? Does that make any sense? Anyways, with us being so young, we are so limited. Especially her, considering that she is still in high school and I am 19 years old now, with the freedom to make many different choices.
I do not doubt that I love her whatsoever. I know I am in love and I know she is too. I have thought about cheating before, but I always knew how to tell myself that it isn't right.. because it isn't and I'd never do that to her. But I feel like the reason I am having some sort of urge to be somewhere she isn't is because I feel she doesn't want to be where I want to be.
There are a lot of things that we have in common but I feel like theres more that we don't have in common. I know that I have shared all of my interests with her, and sometimes she keeps me from fulfilling my satisfaction of an interest. But I feel like she is afraid of sharing things with me. I feel like she trusts me, but looks at this relationship as if we are separate.. almost competing.
She is very defensive, and she is NEVER open to any new ideas. Things go her way, or the highway. And that includes opinions. For example, if I said the dinosaurs died 10 million years ago (i dont know exactly, but lets just say that is a FACT), and her opinion is that they are still alive somewhere, even with facts she won't even acknowledge whatever I've stated. I know that's a bad example...
But the point is, is that I feel like she isn't a part of me anymore. I feel like I'm just something exclusive in her life.
In my opinion, love is best shown by effort and action.. and not just when you're together or by sexual feelings or anything. I believe our relationship started with just the fact that we are both attractive and we were both lonely..
But now It's usually me going to her house 90% of the time, me spending 90% of our relationship time in her life and her area doing what she wants. the other 10% is when she comes to my house, which is rare. I'd say she hasn't been here more than 10 times, and I've been to her house about 500 times. And I know her family pretty well too and they are all really great too. But she has barely even said a few words to either of my parents.
Also, she is lazy.. Her room is insanely messy and i've done in the most respectful way tried to motivate her to clean it but even after a year she just won't. She never has homework.. I always have homework. She doesn't have a job.. I'm working 30+ hours a week. All of my spare time goes into her.. all of her spare time goes into nothing but watching TV, going on reddit, and playing Portal..
I just feel like she doesn't respect me for the person that I am. I see it in everyone else's faces in my life. So many other people treat me like I'm a serious adult, and other people respect my effort and time.
But she does nothing for me but maybe.. made me food and gave me a massage. She hasn't given me any of her time.. any of her spare time.
The other problem is that she has to rely on her parents for everything, and I hate to say it.. but she is spoiled. The best example is that she doesn't work.. yet her parents bought her a 7000 dollar fire hawk. And about 5000 dollars to repair it.. None of which she created for herself. I honestly have nothing to do with that, but her actions still reflect the way she treats anything. She can't do anything on her own. And even though she says she trusts me to help her with something, once I start helping her she acts like I'm doing everything wrong. Everything has to be done her way and perfectly her way.
I've been telling her to get a job.. her parents are paying tons of money for her car and they have nothing for themselves.. but she says, "I'm going to get a job when I turn 18".. before it was, "I'm going to get a job this summer". But it's the same thing, she doesn't know what to do, but she also doesn't want to listen. She doesn't want to accept my help. This leads back to showing how I feel so exclusive! She is always defensive, doesn't accept help.. puts in little effort. I'm the opposite, I take charge of everything. I paid for my car, insurance, gas, and all the repairs. Plus I had extra money to do tons of things..
A few weekends ago.. we were in my car driving and we say the lights to a football game so we parked to listen for a minute. The place we parked was not in a driveway.. it was at the end of a street. But anyways this man and this woman start flashing their lights at my car and so I'm just like what the heck? So I get out of the car and of course.. my girlfriend is freaking out thinking we are in some serious trouble or something. She does nothing to look to my leadership, which she obviously could never handle in this relationship. So I get out and I ask what's going on.. and the woman replies "This is private property you need to leave or we'll call the police" and I reply saying all we were doing is listening to the game for a minute. Then the man accuses me of vandalizing the property we were parked near. So I drive up next to them and this woman is on the phone with the police and the man is just telling me I need to leave. And at this point, of course I did nothing so why would he be calling the police, I said,
"Just because I'm young doesn't mean I'm a criminal, you're just as suspicious as I am walking around with flashlights." In the meantime my girlfriend is taking the man's side. She doesn't even listen to me. The woman hung up the phone, the man apologized, we shook hands and that was it. But she still kept asking if the police were coming and all this crap.
Anyways! That's when I knew that at some point this relationship is going to have to change. Because I'm not going to be with someone who is not going to pour their complete trust in me, especially because I'm a year and a half older, with much more experience and much more confidence. I don't treat her as exclusive, but I believe she treats me this way only because she hasn't had to put in any effort in our relationship...
I treat her as my equal, But I am still the man and I have more power right now than she does.
Please bear with my on reading my story.. Im not 100% sure about anything. I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year and 5 months now and I am starting to feel confused about where our relationship is going and will go..
At the time I met her I was feeling very lonely, I had just moved away from all of my friends and a life I used to enjoy. I started dating her when I was 17 and she was 16. With no prior experience to relationships, I had just done my best to pay attention and do the right things.. and she has done the same. A lot of people talk about how there are stages in relationships and I believe our relationship is in a sort of further stage. Although.. I feel like I'm a stage ahead? Does that make any sense? Anyways, with us being so young, we are so limited. Especially her, considering that she is still in high school and I am 19 years old now, with the freedom to make many different choices.
I do not doubt that I love her whatsoever. I know I am in love and I know she is too. I have thought about cheating before, but I always knew how to tell myself that it isn't right.. because it isn't and I'd never do that to her. But I feel like the reason I am having some sort of urge to be somewhere she isn't is because I feel she doesn't want to be where I want to be.
There are a lot of things that we have in common but I feel like theres more that we don't have in common. I know that I have shared all of my interests with her, and sometimes she keeps me from fulfilling my satisfaction of an interest. But I feel like she is afraid of sharing things with me. I feel like she trusts me, but looks at this relationship as if we are separate.. almost competing.
She is very defensive, and she is NEVER open to any new ideas. Things go her way, or the highway. And that includes opinions. For example, if I said the dinosaurs died 10 million years ago (i dont know exactly, but lets just say that is a FACT), and her opinion is that they are still alive somewhere, even with facts she won't even acknowledge whatever I've stated. I know that's a bad example...
But the point is, is that I feel like she isn't a part of me anymore. I feel like I'm just something exclusive in her life.
In my opinion, love is best shown by effort and action.. and not just when you're together or by sexual feelings or anything. I believe our relationship started with just the fact that we are both attractive and we were both lonely..
But now It's usually me going to her house 90% of the time, me spending 90% of our relationship time in her life and her area doing what she wants. the other 10% is when she comes to my house, which is rare. I'd say she hasn't been here more than 10 times, and I've been to her house about 500 times. And I know her family pretty well too and they are all really great too. But she has barely even said a few words to either of my parents.
Also, she is lazy.. Her room is insanely messy and i've done in the most respectful way tried to motivate her to clean it but even after a year she just won't. She never has homework.. I always have homework. She doesn't have a job.. I'm working 30+ hours a week. All of my spare time goes into her.. all of her spare time goes into nothing but watching TV, going on reddit, and playing Portal..
I just feel like she doesn't respect me for the person that I am. I see it in everyone else's faces in my life. So many other people treat me like I'm a serious adult, and other people respect my effort and time.
But she does nothing for me but maybe.. made me food and gave me a massage. She hasn't given me any of her time.. any of her spare time.
The other problem is that she has to rely on her parents for everything, and I hate to say it.. but she is spoiled. The best example is that she doesn't work.. yet her parents bought her a 7000 dollar fire hawk. And about 5000 dollars to repair it.. None of which she created for herself. I honestly have nothing to do with that, but her actions still reflect the way she treats anything. She can't do anything on her own. And even though she says she trusts me to help her with something, once I start helping her she acts like I'm doing everything wrong. Everything has to be done her way and perfectly her way.
I've been telling her to get a job.. her parents are paying tons of money for her car and they have nothing for themselves.. but she says, "I'm going to get a job when I turn 18".. before it was, "I'm going to get a job this summer". But it's the same thing, she doesn't know what to do, but she also doesn't want to listen. She doesn't want to accept my help. This leads back to showing how I feel so exclusive! She is always defensive, doesn't accept help.. puts in little effort. I'm the opposite, I take charge of everything. I paid for my car, insurance, gas, and all the repairs. Plus I had extra money to do tons of things..
A few weekends ago.. we were in my car driving and we say the lights to a football game so we parked to listen for a minute. The place we parked was not in a driveway.. it was at the end of a street. But anyways this man and this woman start flashing their lights at my car and so I'm just like what the heck? So I get out of the car and of course.. my girlfriend is freaking out thinking we are in some serious trouble or something. She does nothing to look to my leadership, which she obviously could never handle in this relationship. So I get out and I ask what's going on.. and the woman replies "This is private property you need to leave or we'll call the police" and I reply saying all we were doing is listening to the game for a minute. Then the man accuses me of vandalizing the property we were parked near. So I drive up next to them and this woman is on the phone with the police and the man is just telling me I need to leave. And at this point, of course I did nothing so why would he be calling the police, I said,
"Just because I'm young doesn't mean I'm a criminal, you're just as suspicious as I am walking around with flashlights." In the meantime my girlfriend is taking the man's side. She doesn't even listen to me. The woman hung up the phone, the man apologized, we shook hands and that was it. But she still kept asking if the police were coming and all this crap.
Anyways! That's when I knew that at some point this relationship is going to have to change. Because I'm not going to be with someone who is not going to pour their complete trust in me, especially because I'm a year and a half older, with much more experience and much more confidence. I don't treat her as exclusive, but I believe she treats me this way only because she hasn't had to put in any effort in our relationship...
I treat her as my equal, But I am still the man and I have more power right now than she does.
So I am not sure If I want to end this or not. Were are at the stage where I feel like I'm too mature for her.. I'm way ahead of her as far as that goes. But that's not the only thing. I feel like as if I'm being held back, like there's so much more opportunities to discover. I don't feel like there's someone better than her.. i just feel like there is more in life completely, especially in my youth, that I have yet to discover that if I have to be with her than I'm going to miss out on so much. I don't have to have a million friends or have sex with 20 different woman.. the point is well.. heres an example,
my grandfather talked to me about joining the air force academy which is in colorado, which sounded awesome! but I could never do it as long as I'm with her.
On the other hand, I don't want to be lonely.. And I don't want her to be lonely.. I don't want to leave her in a world of pain. If I broke up with her I'd have a pretty hard time coping with the change, and she'd have it ten times worse. But I feel like she doesn't know whats out there for her either.. And I feel like she needs to grow up a bit more and start taking better care of her life and start doing more. I know she is capable of a lot. I have shared all of these feelings with her, but I'm not sure if she understands.
Eventually, if she doesn't change, then I'm sure if we will be able to stay together.
Anyone who reads this, I am open to any feedback, any criticism, anything that will help me create a positive view on this. Thank you..
my grandfather talked to me about joining the air force academy which is in colorado, which sounded awesome! but I could never do it as long as I'm with her.
On the other hand, I don't want to be lonely.. And I don't want her to be lonely.. I don't want to leave her in a world of pain. If I broke up with her I'd have a pretty hard time coping with the change, and she'd have it ten times worse. But I feel like she doesn't know whats out there for her either.. And I feel like she needs to grow up a bit more and start taking better care of her life and start doing more. I know she is capable of a lot. I have shared all of these feelings with her, but I'm not sure if she understands.
Eventually, if she doesn't change, then I'm sure if we will be able to stay together.
Anyone who reads this, I am open to any feedback, any criticism, anything that will help me create a positive view on this. Thank you..
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. Well, I'm really firm about dating and young people. It's either fun or you move on. You aren't married and haven't been together that long for you to feel so stifled by things. You don't have things in common, you feel she doesn't respect you, etc. Move on man.
Dating is for a reason. We rule people in or out as long term partners and sometimes while we really love someone and all, they just aren't a great match for us. maybe that is the case here and for you to think about as only you can decide that.
I will tell you, I'd have been like your girlfriend is. I'd have apologized for being on the private property and moved along and not tried to 'discuss' it. That could have ended badly needlessly. I'd have told my husband to move on. So, while you felt disrespected in terms of your 'leadership'--- you also weren't empathetic to how she was feeling either.
But overall, this is a relationship between young people that may have just run its course. good luck
Dating is for a reason. We rule people in or out as long term partners and sometimes while we really love someone and all, they just aren't a great match for us. maybe that is the case here and for you to think about as only you can decide that.
I will tell you, I'd have been like your girlfriend is. I'd have apologized for being on the private property and moved along and not tried to 'discuss' it. That could have ended badly needlessly. I'd have told my husband to move on. So, while you felt disrespected in terms of your 'leadership'--- you also weren't empathetic to how she was feeling either.
But overall, this is a relationship between young people that may have just run its course. good luck
Go to the Air Force Academy. You don't have to be in the same town to be in touch. She is probably feeling as stifled by various aspects of the relationship as you are -- let some air in, and it will be very clear soon enough whether the two of you should continue as a couple or move on to the next adventure.
I'm with SM above. If it isn't fun anymore, move along. Life is too short and sometimes we spend too much time trying to figure something out, but there is nothing to figure out. There's a Buddhist saying... "it is what it is"...
I think this relationship fits into that saying rather neatly. Maybe the thing has just run it's course... I guess that can happen too. But that's why we date. To figure things out, to see if were compatible, to see if we really enjoy each other.... If there are more negative aspects to the relationship than positive, maybe it is time to dissolve this relationship and go forward in life.
I think this relationship fits into that saying rather neatly. Maybe the thing has just run it's course... I guess that can happen too. But that's why we date. To figure things out, to see if were compatible, to see if we really enjoy each other.... If there are more negative aspects to the relationship than positive, maybe it is time to dissolve this relationship and go forward in life.
Hm. First, I don't think you know what the word "exclusive" means, but you use it in several pivotal sentences so I can't tell what you're saying.
Second, if you're on someone's private property and they tell you to leave, leave. Don't sit there and argue that you aren't hurting anything.
Third, I agree with Brice and SM. This is a high school girlfriend you enjoyed for awhile, and the relationship has run it's course.
Such is life.
Second, if you're on someone's private property and they tell you to leave, leave. Don't sit there and argue that you aren't hurting anything.
Third, I agree with Brice and SM. This is a high school girlfriend you enjoyed for awhile, and the relationship has run it's course.
Such is life.
You all are ONLY 19 and 18 (wasn't sure about her age now) and going through all these changes?
Relationships should be uplifting and positive, not draining and loaded with drama and TRYING to change someone. Plus, a bf/gf relationship shouldn't be your entire life, but a part of your life. I just think you are way TOO focused on this given your young age.
In regards to your ages, I think it would be best for you two to focus on more important things and let this go. Sounds like you both have some maturing to do.
BTW: I can't say refusing to move off of someone's PRIVATE property is being "mature." Sounds like your gf was the more "mature" person in that situation. If you can't understand that you were FLAT OUT wrong in this situation something is wrong with your rationalization.
"I treat her as my equal, But I am still the man and I have more power right now than she does." ........Really? That's sounds pretty chauvinistic. This sounds totally ridiculous....it really does.
"I don't treat her as exclusive, but I believe she treats me this way only because she hasn't had to put in any effort in our relationship.."......What? That makes ZERO sense.
Then, you go on to say "I know I am in love and I know she is too.".........hmmm, do you even remember what you posted about her? Well....in short most if not ALL your comments were NEGATIVE in regards to her. Someone in love is surely NOT going to post about their sweetheart in such a negative manner. Then, the other part of your post is wanting your gf to change "this and that" to suit you and make you happy. She isn't a piece of clay you can mould into what you want.
Bottom line.....you sound TOTALLY unhappy and disappointed in this relationship. Let this go for your sake as well as her's..
Relationships should be uplifting and positive, not draining and loaded with drama and TRYING to change someone. Plus, a bf/gf relationship shouldn't be your entire life, but a part of your life. I just think you are way TOO focused on this given your young age.
In regards to your ages, I think it would be best for you two to focus on more important things and let this go. Sounds like you both have some maturing to do.
BTW: I can't say refusing to move off of someone's PRIVATE property is being "mature." Sounds like your gf was the more "mature" person in that situation. If you can't understand that you were FLAT OUT wrong in this situation something is wrong with your rationalization.
"I treat her as my equal, But I am still the man and I have more power right now than she does." ........Really? That's sounds pretty chauvinistic. This sounds totally ridiculous....it really does.
"I don't treat her as exclusive, but I believe she treats me this way only because she hasn't had to put in any effort in our relationship.."......What? That makes ZERO sense.
Then, you go on to say "I know I am in love and I know she is too.".........hmmm, do you even remember what you posted about her? Well....in short most if not ALL your comments were NEGATIVE in regards to her. Someone in love is surely NOT going to post about their sweetheart in such a negative manner. Then, the other part of your post is wanting your gf to change "this and that" to suit you and make you happy. She isn't a piece of clay you can mould into what you want.
Bottom line.....you sound TOTALLY unhappy and disappointed in this relationship. Let this go for your sake as well as her's..
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