Aa
Do Men ever change their mind about children?
I am 21 years old and my boyfriend is much older 47 to be exact. I am turning 22 pretty soon, but there is still a 25 year age gap. I really honestly do love him and would want nothing more than to have his kids, but he already has children and said he doesn't want any more. However we don't use condoms and I am not on the pill. Does this mean he wants children maybe?
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think many men sadly mislead someone. Yes, he may 'compromise' to have a child but is that really what we want in a partner? I'd rather a man that had my same goals and WANTS to be a dad to a child I have with him. Not just doing it to keep me or make me happy. And they usually only will allow one child under these circumstances. I just think it is hard. Something as important as having a family should be done with someone that has that same goal and isn't just appeasing me. good luck
I think that his first inclination is to say no to more kids, but he is letting you know that he would compromise and support you having a child if that was your wish. Not the ideal way to have a family, none the less, it is done every day. I think it would behoove you to really look and see if he was and is a good dad to his own kids, before you make a decision to have kids with him.
COMMUNITY LEADER
He is clear. He doesn't want more kids. He's been there and done that.
Why not find someone who wants the same things as you?
Why not find someone who wants the same things as you?
Well, he sounds unsure about this if he asked you what would you name the baby, however, you need to have his definite stance. I can understand the confusion on your behalf.
It's impossible to say if he will change his mind or not as no one can predict the future, but given his age I doubt he would want to be dealing with a young child going into his 50's.
Dialogue with him again HONESTLY and see what he says. Don't tell him what he wants to hear..........tell him the truth.
It's impossible to say if he will change his mind or not as no one can predict the future, but given his age I doubt he would want to be dealing with a young child going into his 50's.
Dialogue with him again HONESTLY and see what he says. Don't tell him what he wants to hear..........tell him the truth.
I don't think it's likely that He will change His mind - At His age it's a huge consideration - if You got pregnant right away, He would likely be 60 + by the time the child was 10 !!
That being said, if He truely does not want Children HE should assure that does not happen. In the year 2015 a man should take responsibility for His own sperm - not simply rely on a partner to exercise birth control
The age difference IS and WILL Be an issue as time passes. He was older than You are now when You were born. He was ready to parent (and probably did) before You were even born. The Children He ALREADY has are problably Your age - or close to it. He would probably have to GrandParent as He was Parenting.
It is not unreasonable that He would not want to Father a child at the age of 47 - and not unreasonable for You to want Children either - Actually, I quite agree with Chima7 on that score
That being said, if He truely does not want Children HE should assure that does not happen. In the year 2015 a man should take responsibility for His own sperm - not simply rely on a partner to exercise birth control
The age difference IS and WILL Be an issue as time passes. He was older than You are now when You were born. He was ready to parent (and probably did) before You were even born. The Children He ALREADY has are problably Your age - or close to it. He would probably have to GrandParent as He was Parenting.
It is not unreasonable that He would not want to Father a child at the age of 47 - and not unreasonable for You to want Children either - Actually, I quite agree with Chima7 on that score
You're so young right now though. The likelihood of you having a change of heart about kids is pretty high between now and when you get to your early 40s. Once you see all of your friends with babies and your cousins with babies and there's always babies all over tv and everywhere in public so sooner or later you're going to get that urge and this guy won't be willing to give you that. So, my suggestion is that you not make any permanent plans about this right now. Use protection in the meantime but if in the future you start feeling that you really want kids, don't expect this guy to provide that for you.
I'm only telling you this because I've had now 3 of my closest friends go through this. The desire to be a mom in some women is very strong and for those women, they are devastated when they can't ever fulfill that wish, either due to medical issues or having a spouse that didn't want any. For some women it's like the most heartbreaking thing ever to not have kids. Not for me, I'm in my 40s and have no desire to have any. But having seen my friends go through this, I know it's a serious, very serious issue that all women need to search their own feelings about and be 100% honest with their partners about before it's too late. For women, we have a finite timeline of healthy child bearing years. Men don't have that problem so they don't care. Therefore, if you want it, you have to be your own advocate for it and find someone who shares your desire for parenthood.
Really really think about this and truly be honest with what is in your heart. The regret I've seen in my friends for not doing that earlier is truly heartbreaking.
I'm only telling you this because I've had now 3 of my closest friends go through this. The desire to be a mom in some women is very strong and for those women, they are devastated when they can't ever fulfill that wish, either due to medical issues or having a spouse that didn't want any. For some women it's like the most heartbreaking thing ever to not have kids. Not for me, I'm in my 40s and have no desire to have any. But having seen my friends go through this, I know it's a serious, very serious issue that all women need to search their own feelings about and be 100% honest with their partners about before it's too late. For women, we have a finite timeline of healthy child bearing years. Men don't have that problem so they don't care. Therefore, if you want it, you have to be your own advocate for it and find someone who shares your desire for parenthood.
Really really think about this and truly be honest with what is in your heart. The regret I've seen in my friends for not doing that earlier is truly heartbreaking.
I would like to think we have a normal and progress relationship despite the age gap. I really do love him and I came to terms a long time ago that I would be okay with out having children. He makes my life whole enough that I wouldn't regret not having them. I just wondered do people change their minds on subjects like these. I wouldn't purposely try to get pregnant because I wouldn't want that kind of stress in my life. I have no intentions on being a single mother or a divorcee or a life time of courts and disappointment for my child. I understand I should be more vocal about what I want or may want in the future, and he knows that I am ambivalent about having kids, and he also knows I would give that part of my life up for him. He knows I am willing to be there to play checkers with him and to care for him if the time ever arises. He has meet my parents and I his. I have meet his children. I am not attacking you or your views of my relationship as you don't know its whole entity. I appreciate your opinion and I am thankful for your advice as far as pregnancy goes. But my boyfriend is not a chump. My life is whole and isn't missing anything children would be an added blessing if he wanted to have more.
They're are tons and tons of guys of all ages who don't want to use condoms and who also have zero interest in having kids. The fact that he doesn't use condoms just means that he expects YOU to be the one who uses birth control so he doesn't have to be bothered with it.
In any case, it sounds like this isn't a very stable relationship since you lack basic ability to openly communicate with each other exactly what your expectations are for the future. The time to discuss and decide about kids is BEFORE you get pregnant! Not after its too late and you're already pregnant! Because it's selfish and wrong to put a child into that position where they were not wanted by both parents from the time of conception.
You keep saying that you want to get pregnant even though he specifically told you he is done with kids. Do not under any circumstances get pregnant on purpose because that is so completely unfair to the kid who didn't ask to be brought into this world. Get on birth control as soon as possible before you have sex with him again because he has made it clear that he doesn't want anymore kids.
If you want your life to include kids then this is not the right guy for you. The right guy will be a lot closer to your age and not totally done with having the experience of kids and family. Whenever you get involved with someone that much older than you, they will expect you to give up those experiences because they already had them and are not interested in reliving that. So, unless you're ok with giving up all of those normal experiences that people in their 20s and 30s go through then stay with this guy. But if you want a full and complete life that progresses at a normal pace with people your age then dump this chump and find someone who also wants those experiences along with you!
In any case, it sounds like this isn't a very stable relationship since you lack basic ability to openly communicate with each other exactly what your expectations are for the future. The time to discuss and decide about kids is BEFORE you get pregnant! Not after its too late and you're already pregnant! Because it's selfish and wrong to put a child into that position where they were not wanted by both parents from the time of conception.
You keep saying that you want to get pregnant even though he specifically told you he is done with kids. Do not under any circumstances get pregnant on purpose because that is so completely unfair to the kid who didn't ask to be brought into this world. Get on birth control as soon as possible before you have sex with him again because he has made it clear that he doesn't want anymore kids.
If you want your life to include kids then this is not the right guy for you. The right guy will be a lot closer to your age and not totally done with having the experience of kids and family. Whenever you get involved with someone that much older than you, they will expect you to give up those experiences because they already had them and are not interested in reliving that. So, unless you're ok with giving up all of those normal experiences that people in their 20s and 30s go through then stay with this guy. But if you want a full and complete life that progresses at a normal pace with people your age then dump this chump and find someone who also wants those experiences along with you!
We have been dating for 2 years (been sexually active for 1 year), but you are right. We definitely need to know for sure and we should speak more on the topic and start using protection in the meantime. It makes a lot of sense.
How long have you been together?
Sounds like you both are iffy about having children and you both should be using protection, e.g. condoms and bc pills, until you figure this out.
You BOTH need to be 100% sure about having a child and not iffy about it vs. you becoming pregnant and not sure if you have done the right thing as that wouldn't be fair to the child.
Some men @47 aren't so keen on becoming a father especially if they already have children. The age difference between you two is quite huge, so what you want may be what he already has or has already done. He may not be interested in reliving certain things over and over.
Children are a big issue, so make sure your decision is solid and your relationship as well. You haven't graduated from college yet and are working, so now it wouldn't be a great idea. I would suggest you wait until you have completed and graduated college and then re-explore the possibility of children in the mix. Meanwhile, USE protection.
BTW: Just because he isn't using protection doesn't necessarily mean he wants children, nevertheless, he needs to be using protection if he doesn't want to be a daddy again.
Be assertive and start dialoguing open and honestly with him. You are doing yourself and him a disservice by giving him responses that you know he wants to hear.
Sounds like you both are iffy about having children and you both should be using protection, e.g. condoms and bc pills, until you figure this out.
You BOTH need to be 100% sure about having a child and not iffy about it vs. you becoming pregnant and not sure if you have done the right thing as that wouldn't be fair to the child.
Some men @47 aren't so keen on becoming a father especially if they already have children. The age difference between you two is quite huge, so what you want may be what he already has or has already done. He may not be interested in reliving certain things over and over.
Children are a big issue, so make sure your decision is solid and your relationship as well. You haven't graduated from college yet and are working, so now it wouldn't be a great idea. I would suggest you wait until you have completed and graduated college and then re-explore the possibility of children in the mix. Meanwhile, USE protection.
BTW: Just because he isn't using protection doesn't necessarily mean he wants children, nevertheless, he needs to be using protection if he doesn't want to be a daddy again.
Be assertive and start dialoguing open and honestly with him. You are doing yourself and him a disservice by giving him responses that you know he wants to hear.
He's aware and we have had a conversation about what if prior to and he asked what would I like to happen. Me being unassertive I responded that he said he didn't want anymore kids. I told him that at the time I didn't want any kids as I am still in college and work nights so not much time for kids. Though secretly I wanted to say after college I would be open to kids. That was 4 months ago. But fairly recent, a month ago, he asked me what would I name a child and it puzzled me quite a bit. I'm actually on the fence about kids myself at times, but I feel like if it happens I wouldn't be against it.
Is he aware that you are not on any protection? Maybe he should wear a condom. You could talk to him about his actions of not wearing protection confuses you about him not wanting more chilren.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
