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Boyfriend refuses to move his family out of his mothers house. Help
Hello, I am 35 years old I have a 19 month old daughter with my boyfriend of 3.5 years. He is almost 38 and still lives with his mother. All 3 of us do. When we first got together I stated to him my prime objective was to get my own place (our place) asap and move out of his parents home, he agreed. That was almost 4 years ago. There was/is always some excuse as to why we cant move out. "why would you want to pay rent when you don't have to here" (We pay the utilities and food etc which amounts to rent someplace so we're not getting away with anything.) "My mom will lose the house if we leave" "we have a child we cant afford to live someplace else." Even though we both work full time and could pull it off. Its always something. There is nothing more in this world that I want than my OWN space, my OWN home, My OWN surroundings. Live the way I WANT etc. I think I've been more than patient with him but it just seems as though doesn't "get it". Its eating at me everyday and it corroding my insides slowly I am at the point where I just don't know what to do to make him understand. I am happy that he loves his mother and wants to stay close to her.. just not quite so close. I guess he just never had to grow up. he takes advantage of her (makes her pay for his car insurance when she is on unemployment etc) I am feeling as though he is not living in reality or just playing dumb. i would leave however I have no family (both my parents are in heaven) and although I work full time can not support both me and my baby alone. I am feeling really stuck! Maybe somebody can help me with some advice? I've tried government assistance but they have closed off section 8 housing and they say I make to much money!! Which is not true. **sigh** Any advice for the ole stucky here? <3
How's your baby doing? Does she love grandma and grandma loves her?
I wouldn't choose this family structure either, to have to live with my mother in law (although she's delightful) but there are certainly many cultures in the world who do this and they thrive.
In general, are your boyfriend and his mother kind and caring toward you and your baby?
I wouldn't choose this family structure either, to have to live with my mother in law (although she's delightful) but there are certainly many cultures in the world who do this and they thrive.
In general, are your boyfriend and his mother kind and caring toward you and your baby?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ugh, that is hard. I wonder if you got the ball rolling setting it up so you could manage on your own but perhaps---- he'll see that he can live with you away from his mother. Sounds like you like her well enough but just want to be a grown up in your own home. I get that! And perhaps you have a worry deep down that something is amiss with your man in that he still seems to 'need' his mom so much. I get that too.
so, if he is just scared and doesn't like change, perhaps by your going --- will show him that it WILL be okay. And I'd make a point of getting your child over to visit his mother frequently, etc.
He may come around hon. He's complacent because you've put up with it for so long. maybe taking a step on your own to change it will swing things in the direction you want it to go. Of course, you risk that it won't work out that way but you sound ultimately unhappy so maybe that is okay with you.
Lots of luck and let us know how it goes!
so, if he is just scared and doesn't like change, perhaps by your going --- will show him that it WILL be okay. And I'd make a point of getting your child over to visit his mother frequently, etc.
He may come around hon. He's complacent because you've put up with it for so long. maybe taking a step on your own to change it will swing things in the direction you want it to go. Of course, you risk that it won't work out that way but you sound ultimately unhappy so maybe that is okay with you.
Lots of luck and let us know how it goes!
Yes I believe so. I just thought maybe getting others opinions might help or maybe give me another way to look at the situation. I AM Trying but it just seems as though nothing will ever change so I am at the point of leaving. Which is terribly sad (for obvious reasons) I think Ill look outside of LA to see if I cant rent a hole in the wall and still manage to get to work and pay daycare. Thanks.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Let's stay on topic and just give our own advice please.
I think I get that you want your own place, I would too. I'm just not sure how to get your partner to wanting it.
Would it be a deal breaker for you? You'd be willing to leave him if he does not move out?
I think I get that you want your own place, I would too. I'm just not sure how to get your partner to wanting it.
Would it be a deal breaker for you? You'd be willing to leave him if he does not move out?
All kidding aside, If i was living with a women who did not want to marry me, i would question her intentions of why she is with me. When people truly love eachother and want to spent the rest of their lives together, they get married. I might be old fashion but i believe in my heart there is a certain amount of truth to this. I dont mean to speak out of line as you mention he uses his mother, just maybe he is using you to some extent if you see where im going with this.
What we pay for utilities and food etc at that house exceeds what we would be paying for of rent and all of those things in our own apt. (It is a huge 4 bedroom 2 story house in the middle of the hottest valley in ca lol so the utilities are expensive) He doesn't get angry per say just frustrated and starts making excuses. If we had our own place close to hers like you said that would be awesome. I wouldn't mind that at all. We just have different ways of living I guess so we don't click as well as I'd like as far as living together. she is an awesome person, I love her a lot but i just need my own place and think I and my child deserve it. She does not watch my daughter I pay for daycare.
@Life360 So you're saying have a self proclaimed shot gun wedding? LOL! Awesome! That's great. No no just kidding. He doesn't want to get married and I cant force him to do that either. You're right a home is not an inanimate object and I'd like to have one of my own. Some place I can decorate and just well, be mine. Its obviously extremely important to me. Maybe I should just suck it up and move out and force his hand like you said. It just *****. But thank you guys!
@RockRose my prime objective WAS to have my own place and this was known and stated CLEARLY before I allowed myself to move into his family's home. The baby came afterwards and was completely unplanned. Yes I make more than the ridiculous standards set by the government but not enough to even get a single apt. So maybe You might be right... moving out of L.A might be my only option. ;-(
@ Specialmom:
What we pay for utilities and food etc at that house exceeds what we would be paying for of rent and all of those things in our own apt. (It is a huge 4 bedroom 2 story house in the middle of the hottest valley in ca lol so the utilities are expensive) He doesn't get angry per say just frustrated and starts making excuses. If we had our own place close to hers like you said that would be awesome. I wouldn't mind that at all. We just have different ways of living I guess so we don't click as well as I'd like as far as living together. she is an awesome person, I love her a lot but i just need my own place and think I and my child deserve it. She does not watch my daughter I pay for daycare.
What we pay for utilities and food etc at that house exceeds what we would be paying for of rent and all of those things in our own apt. (It is a huge 4 bedroom 2 story house in the middle of the hottest valley in ca lol so the utilities are expensive) He doesn't get angry per say just frustrated and starts making excuses. If we had our own place close to hers like you said that would be awesome. I wouldn't mind that at all. We just have different ways of living I guess so we don't click as well as I'd like as far as living together. she is an awesome person, I love her a lot but i just need my own place and think I and my child deserve it. She does not watch my daughter I pay for daycare.
Hi, why dont you start by creating a family setting. Get married and then go find the dream house you want. Dont wait for him to agree, just go do it. Once you find the place, im sure your boy friend will go along with it. If it wasnt for my wife pushing and contacting the banks herself, we never would have bought our home. Men tend to get comfy in things and its up to the wiffy to get him into gear. Take all this energy you have built up in you and go make your dream come true. Your own home is waiting for you and looking forward to the good energy you will bring it. The home misses you as much as you miss it! You might think a home is an inantimate object, but it does have its own karma and needs you to be in it.
Your prime objective wasn't to get your own place, though. Your prime objective was 1. to live with your boyfriend (who was living with his mother) and 2. to have a baby and raise it with him.
From his perspective, he may feel like you moved in and started demanding change and he didn't want to fight you on it so he kept acting like it was a possibility.
I agree with you, that I wouldn't want to live with my husband's mother either - but I didn't move in and then have a child while he was refusing to move out of mom's house.
I don't know how much you make, but if you make more than Section 8 qualification allows I would guess you could find a small apartment within your budget. Is moving out of the LA housing market a possibility?
From his perspective, he may feel like you moved in and started demanding change and he didn't want to fight you on it so he kept acting like it was a possibility.
I agree with you, that I wouldn't want to live with my husband's mother either - but I didn't move in and then have a child while he was refusing to move out of mom's house.
I don't know how much you make, but if you make more than Section 8 qualification allows I would guess you could find a small apartment within your budget. Is moving out of the LA housing market a possibility?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. Ugh, I do feel your pain.
On one hand, it is true--- financially it will hurt both you/he and his mother if you move out. Yes, you pay food, utilities--- but you'd pay rent AND that someplace else and it would be sad if his mom lost her house without his help. And he does get benefits from her whether fair to her or not with things like his car insurance.
Yes, perhaps he hasn't fully grown up. I agree.
I'm not sure how to get him to the point of being independent. Somehow you have to do it in a way that doesn't make him feel defensive.
Does he get upset when you talk about moving? How does the conversation go? is it anger or excuses?
Is there anyway to carve out an apartment type of independent section of the house that could be YOURS with her in the other?? (they have those mother in law suites which basically is a bedroom, bathroom, little living area with a tiny kitchen in a basement or something like that?
Does she watch your child while you are working by the way?
On one hand, it is true--- financially it will hurt both you/he and his mother if you move out. Yes, you pay food, utilities--- but you'd pay rent AND that someplace else and it would be sad if his mom lost her house without his help. And he does get benefits from her whether fair to her or not with things like his car insurance.
Yes, perhaps he hasn't fully grown up. I agree.
I'm not sure how to get him to the point of being independent. Somehow you have to do it in a way that doesn't make him feel defensive.
Does he get upset when you talk about moving? How does the conversation go? is it anger or excuses?
Is there anyway to carve out an apartment type of independent section of the house that could be YOURS with her in the other?? (they have those mother in law suites which basically is a bedroom, bathroom, little living area with a tiny kitchen in a basement or something like that?
Does she watch your child while you are working by the way?
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