Aa
Husband wants sex, i am not interested.
My husband and i have recently had a baby a month ago. He wants sex everyday but i am not interested and often see it as a chore. I want to be close to him and cuddle but am not interested in having any type of sex. if i dont have sex with him he pleases himself while watching pornography. Him watching pornography hurts me because i feel as if he likes that female better than me. He constantly bugs me for sex until i give in or later that night will masterbate. what should i do. please help me. This is effecting our marriage. It is causing him a lot of stress but at the same time i dont know how to become more interested and am currently unhappy with the way i look if i dont have on form fitting clothing and makeup but dont feel like doing this all the time.
Best Answer
Hi
Telling them that they are too young to be married, after they are already married, with a baby... Seems somewhat pointless to me.
I offered definitions for their situation. Support for her plight. I offered information on resources where she could find help in either an emergency, or over the phone, for lack of a vehicle and/or license. I offered a scenario of compromise, that would aleviate the sexual pressure. I encouraged her to stand up for herself. I encouraged her to value herself, and her feelings. I tried not to be extreme, except to use hyperbole to describe a man that is pitifully in love with his "dumbstick", and using tantrums to abuse the precious, mother of his child. I clarified my position. I have been consistent, and I have maintained my boundaries.
All of these behaviors are what children and childish husbands need, to grow up and be adults, so they can help take care of others.
Because that is what we are put on this earth for.
To help take care of others... We can't take care of others, if we don't take care of ourselves.
Telling them that they are too young to be married, after they are already married, with a baby... Seems somewhat pointless to me.
I offered definitions for their situation. Support for her plight. I offered information on resources where she could find help in either an emergency, or over the phone, for lack of a vehicle and/or license. I offered a scenario of compromise, that would aleviate the sexual pressure. I encouraged her to stand up for herself. I encouraged her to value herself, and her feelings. I tried not to be extreme, except to use hyperbole to describe a man that is pitifully in love with his "dumbstick", and using tantrums to abuse the precious, mother of his child. I clarified my position. I have been consistent, and I have maintained my boundaries.
All of these behaviors are what children and childish husbands need, to grow up and be adults, so they can help take care of others.
Because that is what we are put on this earth for.
To help take care of others... We can't take care of others, if we don't take care of ourselves.
It depends on your perspective and life experiences, and I guess that's why a forum is so valuable in that all perspectives are considered.
When I read through her story, I see that she is 20, he's 20, they're both not ready for marriage, they have a baby and not enough money and she has absolutely no resources whatsoever in the world - no family that is appropriate to help out, no car, no apparent job prospects, no driver's license.
And he's immature and wants some kind of sex every night and when she doesn't give it to him he gets frustrated and rude and goes off in private and masturbates behind closed doors.
This is just a pickle, and I don't sense he's as abusive as he is immature and not ready for the kind of relationship they've got themselves in to, and I don't think she's ready for it either.
So aside from CPS coming in and taking the baby (seems extreme at this point, and unwarranted) the best way to move forward is both of them taking an attitude of loving compromise and trying to find solutions together, as husband and wife, and get his mother out of the middle of their bedroom (figuratively speaking).
And there's a chance that they will both mature and look back on this time as a very difficult beginning of their family together.
Or, there's a chance they will both dig in their heels and the relationship will get worse and worse and neither will try to be understanding and supportive of each other's needs and viewpoint, and they'll end up in divorce and God knows how the baby will fare then.
When I read through her story, I see that she is 20, he's 20, they're both not ready for marriage, they have a baby and not enough money and she has absolutely no resources whatsoever in the world - no family that is appropriate to help out, no car, no apparent job prospects, no driver's license.
And he's immature and wants some kind of sex every night and when she doesn't give it to him he gets frustrated and rude and goes off in private and masturbates behind closed doors.
This is just a pickle, and I don't sense he's as abusive as he is immature and not ready for the kind of relationship they've got themselves in to, and I don't think she's ready for it either.
So aside from CPS coming in and taking the baby (seems extreme at this point, and unwarranted) the best way to move forward is both of them taking an attitude of loving compromise and trying to find solutions together, as husband and wife, and get his mother out of the middle of their bedroom (figuratively speaking).
And there's a chance that they will both mature and look back on this time as a very difficult beginning of their family together.
Or, there's a chance they will both dig in their heels and the relationship will get worse and worse and neither will try to be understanding and supportive of each other's needs and viewpoint, and they'll end up in divorce and God knows how the baby will fare then.
Hi
You said it "doesn't sound abusive to me"...
I defined the two terms as I use them.
I am reasonably sure my definition is pretty close to that of the dictionary. I come to that definition, in light of being abused. And in light of being in therapy for that abuse, for some time, now.
I believe I used the term "compromise" as well.
We use compromise to mitigate, ameliorate, and generally prevent people from abusing us.
The WE and US are pronouns describing ME and someone else. Since I know others think and behave this way, I took the liberty of using WE and US.
You said it "doesn't sound abusive to me"...
I defined the two terms as I use them.
I am reasonably sure my definition is pretty close to that of the dictionary. I come to that definition, in light of being abused. And in light of being in therapy for that abuse, for some time, now.
I believe I used the term "compromise" as well.
We use compromise to mitigate, ameliorate, and generally prevent people from abusing us.
The WE and US are pronouns describing ME and someone else. Since I know others think and behave this way, I took the liberty of using WE and US.
I don't know who the "we" is that labels immaturity abuse, and I'm not sure how helpful that is in solving the problem to start slinging the word "abuse" around when words like "compromise" work much better.
It's an attitude of working together toward a solution, rather than standing with your hands on your hips saying "you're abusive".
It's an attitude of working together toward a solution, rather than standing with your hands on your hips saying "you're abusive".
Hi
There is a difference between abusive behavior, and "Abuse".
"Abuse" is the label we give to the gereral theme of a relationship, where one person is consistently using POWER, of some sort to control the behavior of another person.
Abusive behavior is something we use to get something. Sometimes, abusive behavior is warranted.
A person is about to hit your child. You yell at them "If you touch her, I will kill you".
Yelling at someone is abusive. But under these circumstances, probably warranted.
Children chide, and tease etc. It is how they test and learn how to interact socially. Parents learn to let alot of it slide... As long as the POWER is not unequal.
Having a TANTRUM (like a child) when he doesn't get sex exactly when he decides he wants it, is abusive behavior.
In my opinion, it is NEVER warranted, to have a tantrum if he doesn't get off at ANY particular point in time. It is childish.
If he is emotionally a teenager... Then he needs to learn to be an adult, and put off gratification of "his itch", untill he gets the "baby poop" off his hands (so to speak).
Or he will spend alot of time washing up, and doing laundry, for that ten seconds of lack of tolerance.
If it becomes a theme of the relationship... Then we LABEL IT ABUSE.
There is a difference between abusive behavior, and "Abuse".
"Abuse" is the label we give to the gereral theme of a relationship, where one person is consistently using POWER, of some sort to control the behavior of another person.
Abusive behavior is something we use to get something. Sometimes, abusive behavior is warranted.
A person is about to hit your child. You yell at them "If you touch her, I will kill you".
Yelling at someone is abusive. But under these circumstances, probably warranted.
Children chide, and tease etc. It is how they test and learn how to interact socially. Parents learn to let alot of it slide... As long as the POWER is not unequal.
Having a TANTRUM (like a child) when he doesn't get sex exactly when he decides he wants it, is abusive behavior.
In my opinion, it is NEVER warranted, to have a tantrum if he doesn't get off at ANY particular point in time. It is childish.
If he is emotionally a teenager... Then he needs to learn to be an adult, and put off gratification of "his itch", untill he gets the "baby poop" off his hands (so to speak).
Or he will spend alot of time washing up, and doing laundry, for that ten seconds of lack of tolerance.
If it becomes a theme of the relationship... Then we LABEL IT ABUSE.
This doesn't sound abusive to me, this guy sounds too young to be married with a baby. I have a 20 year old son and I can not IMAGINE him being an effective husband and father right now - although he's a sweetheart of a guy, and a good boyfriend to his girlfriend, a 20 year old guy is just NOT THERE in maturity to be a husband and father.
Also, I will say most men don't tend to connect much with newborns - they can't do anything. Once the babies are walking and getting around, dads take a greater interest.
I really think you need to stop telling his mother your problems, and you need to work on becoming more of a couple rather than two people fighting all the time over sex and porn and money.
And I don't know how to begin to do that, since he's still mentally a big teenager.
Also, I will say most men don't tend to connect much with newborns - they can't do anything. Once the babies are walking and getting around, dads take a greater interest.
I really think you need to stop telling his mother your problems, and you need to work on becoming more of a couple rather than two people fighting all the time over sex and porn and money.
And I don't know how to begin to do that, since he's still mentally a big teenager.
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second of all...this is sexual pressure and a form of abuse. he needs to stop pressuring you into sex and then ignoring your feelings by making you feel like you HAVE to have sex with him to keep him from masturbating to porn.
consider therapy. couples therapy, marriage therapy, sex therapy, or all of the above. you both need help learning to communicate and compromise in the bedroom.
above all....DON'T feel unattractive. YOU JUST HAD A BABY! sweetie...your body just went through the most difficult thing a body CAN go through in a lifetime. give yourself a break and try to love yourself.
most likely your sex drive will come back as your hormones level out again after the baby's birth...but you have to give it some time...and he needs to be patient for your health AND for the health of your relationship.
sorry you're going through this, you're very vulnerable right now and it sounds like he's not being very sensitive. speak up...stand up for yourself.