Bad relationship with mom... ADVICE?

[holly424]

I'm 15 years old. My mom and I have a horrible relationship. We fight and argue all the time. As her only daughter, she does support me in many ways, and does a lot for me, but the other 60% of the time, she is rude, judgemental, and just plain mean to me. My entire family notices that we fight and argue, but they all say that I instigate it by my attitude, when I'm only being that way to her because she is being that way to me. I can have the best day in the entire world, but as soon as I walk into my house and see her, I immediatly get annoyed and in a bad mood. I'm not saying that I'm a perfect child, sometimes I do snap at her if I've been having a bad day, but I am overall a good child; I don't party, drink, have sex, do drugs, I go to church, I maintain a 3.9 GPA, I am in all advanced classes, and I am a member of my high school's varsity cheer squad and JV soccer team. I don't know what it is, but it obviously is not good, and needs to stop. We used to get along fine, but for some reason, that just doesn't happen annymore. I wish we did get along still. I have a good relationship with my brother and dad, but with the stress that I get from my relationship with my mom, strain is put on my relationship with them as well. Nobody is happy in our house, and my mom says it is all because of me. I sometimes just feel like if I got away from her, like lived with another family member or something for some time, that would make a huge difference, like it seems that we just need to blow off steam or something, I'm just not sure. What should I do? Should I live with another family member for some time, or just suck it up and deal with it? I'm afraid to not do anything, because I can tell that this anger and fighting is hurting my dad's health, and I don't want him to get hurt because of me. If you have any professional advice, please provide it!

[teko]

It sounds to me like you and your mother may have similar personalities, therefore butting heads. I think it is also normal at your age for you to clash with your mother. You must also keep in mind that it is a parents job to parent and not be your best friend. From what you have posted it is obvious to me that your mother loves you and you her, but have a problem in the battle of the wills and the communication department. Going to live with a relative in your situation does not sound like a good idea. It is not like you are being abused, but rather are spoiled more than anything. I remember thinking my mom didnt understand me, hated me and wished I were never born. I think most of us go thru a phase like this growing up. Then when I got older she was my rock, my best friend in the world. She is gone now and every day I wish I could bring her back. If I had argued with my mother or yelled at her in any way growing up, my father would have floored me. I say, talk to your mother with respect and share your feelings rather than fight and argue. You must also remember that she is the parent and only has your best interest at heart. But it sounds more like you are so much alike and both so stubborn that you are reacting to each other instead of, communicating. Trust me, this is just as hard on her as it is you. You will get thru this and look back and laugh one day I promise.

[sweetpea03]

I feel like I've been in your situation, or at least mine was pretty similar. My mom and I used to fight a lot. I was also the 'good' teen, with a 3.8 overall gpa, played volleyball, got a scholarship, etc. We fought all through high school and somewhat into college, but it has stopped now and I don't even know why. Maybe it was because I have grown up more and handle the situations differently or maybe it was because she changed and stopped blaming me for things. Sadly, I really don't have an answer for why it changed, but I'm happy it did. I do think moving to a relatives for a little while can help. Getting some space can be a good thing. I do think also it can be in how you approach your mom. Even though she is in the wrong at times, try your best to not snap at her and keep a calm composure. If you feel really angry, step outside or take a walk and then go back to talk with her later. You don't want to say something that you may regret later on. Learning better communication skills now can help you a lot in the future. I am the only daughter in my family, with 2 older brothers, so my mother put a ton of pressure on me. She didn't realize it until I pointed it out several times. Usually the typical rule of thumb is if you act like an adult, then you should get treated like an adult. This doesn't always work, but revenge and trying to get even with your mom will get you no where. Don't act angry toward her because she acts that way toward you. Take a breather and then try to talk with her calmly. I hope it gets better for you. Hang in there.

[tbabi20]

Firstly, I think you need to find a creative outlet to express how you feel because the stress from everyday life can come out on people that we love and I think that your mother is doing the same thing. Perhaps your so busy that the stress is causing you to lash out. It happens. Why don't you try communicating with her. This means telling her exactly what you've written here, that you don't want your relationship to be this way, that you miss how you were before and your gonna try and that you need her to put her best foot forward too.

Maybe she misses you too. Even though your always there, you look like a busy girl. Try spending time doing something together, like a spa day, shopping, baking.. anything really.. Sometimes it takes us to make the first foot forward before things get better. She probably doesn't' know how to approach you about things.

Anyways, since you go to church you know it's important that we honor our parents. Parents aren't perfect but they are there for us and we many not understand their methods now but you will one day. I know it's difficult. I feel like your me in the past. I did everything perfect but in the back of her head my mother still thought that one little slip up can cause one huge bad. My mother was really protective and for 2 years I was really really unhappy. I lost tons of weight, we fought constantly, almost ran away and I look upon it now with sadness because all I really had to do was communicate and understand where her fears were coming from. It was a learning experience for my mother, I am her only daughter and it terrifies her that I'm not little anymore. It takes time to fix things but if the desire to have a relationship is there, you can do it. Don't wait until it gets too big to fix. Nip it at the bud now.

I really think your mother has a little fear. Pray for her and your relationship. Spill everything that's not working to God. He'll direct to you to what to do, say and when to do it.

I am sorry that your home life isn't ideal but if you want to talk more.. you can always PM me. Take care. :)

[ticked]

Good for you for coming here at your age and talking about this. I wish that I did when i was your age.  

How old is your mother?  Is she going through Menopause?

My mother and I would fight like cats and dogs. I was always to blame no matter what. No matter what happened I was the one that was the problem no one else.  

It ended up hurting me a lot.  

You are a great kid not doing drugs, partying etc.  

Best thing you can do is talk to your mother when you are both not upset and tell her how you feel. Start by saying that she is a great mother and that you love her a lot and miss the way you used to be between you to.  

Tell her that you want to work on why you fight and how you can change it.

Even if you dont agree with what she says dont argue.  Take in all that she is saying and try to understand where she is coming from.

It wasnt until I was 30 that I really started to understand why my mother was so cold and why everything had to be perfect.  She was molested by her grandfather whom she trusted and loved, her parents were both alcoholics and drug addicts, her brother died of a drug overdose and she was the oldest and had to care for the other 4 kids.  She married my father who cheated on her for the first 5 yrs of our lives.  She was betrayed and abused and she was sad inside.

It took a lot of fights and conversations until this all came out. I had no idea.

Please try to work on this as I see that its not too late :)

I am here to to listen if you just want to talk.

[AnnieBrooke]

If you have an option of living with another family member, if the person is an adult, and interested, used to being responsible for kids in their house (for example, living with your aunt and uncle who have kids your age), there might not be anything wrong with it.  It could give you and your mom a break.  I kind of think teenagers are genetically programmed to find their parents irritating -- (we're supposed to break away and strike out on our own, not stay around forever, for the sake of the species).  But that's not an excuse for overt rudeness, eye-rolling, critical attitude, etc.  

If you don't have any place to go that would in fact be safe and you would be responsibly cared for, you're probably going to have to suck it up and be patient.  In three more years, you'll be legally free to go, and that time passes pretty fast.

I'm glad to hear that you don't do the bad stuff, since it rebounds and hurts you.  Sorry too, to hear that your mom doesn't seem to appreciate that.  Possibly you could approach her in a calm moment and say that you sometimes feel like she doesn't appreciate that you refrain from the risky behaviors, go to church, and do well at school.  Don't try to iron it out or fight it out from that point in the conversation, just say it and then shut up.  If she doesn't answer calmly, then just let the subject drop.  But if you say it in a calm and relaxed moment, she might surprise you by her answer.