I hate my MIL so much I hate my kids being around her

[NAZKH]

My MIL is main reason for tumultuous marriage. She's created a lot of problems between my husband and I. She is for a different culture so being accepted and welcomed has never happened. There has been so much hurt and pain caused that it's become toxic. My MIL is a widow and a mama's boy - his mother comes to visit for about a month every 6 months from overseas. I think it's easier to forgive someone for what they've done if you don't see them again or have minimal interaction but my husband refuses to barr his mom from visiting. Now it's gotten to a point where I hate my kids interacting with her at all. What can I do to help myself from feeling this way other than getting a divorce.

[NAZKH]

My husband is very religious and yes is bound by duty as well. And there is nothing more than I would like than to teach my kids to be tolerate and that they have to deal with all kinds of people so they must be civil and good. I was tolerant, very tolerant for the first week and then it starts getting harder and by the end she's completely broken you down. Even when she left on Monday, I made an effort to do the traditional hug and side cheek kisses and say Goodbye. So even after the effort was made - she was sooo rude and said GOODBYE with such hatred and malice - It's hard to describe the interaction in words. She just left with bitter feelings when I had made an effort to leave on a good note and at least part with good feelings.

[NAZKH]

Thank you for giving me all this support and taking the time to give me your much needed advice. Maybe it's my personality and the unrealistic expectations I have. I generally have low self esteem and coupled with cultural expectations and the way I was brought up , it's been emotionally very exhausting. I was taught to always respect your elders and always be the better person and I think I tried really really hard but got no validation. And when I did get some validation from my family when they saw how she treated me, then I didn't put enough effort and then it was self preservation. It's a lot of malice and disregard for me and I think that is what really gets me. How someone can come to your house and disrespect you and everyone just sits and watches. And it's hard for me to see my kids be around a person who has caused me so much pain.

Yes it's time to change but how do I change my heart. How do I remove all this hate for her? I do work fulltime from home and do  spend a lot of time  and do keep very busy with kids activities in the evenings but the time that I am around her or my kids see her i.e. breakfast/dinner are hard. How do you build thicker skin - how do you insulate yourself and give peace to your soul? How do you forgive when there is no remorse?

[Nighthawk61]

How can a religious person behave the way that she does. My MIL is educated (has a BSc) degree and is only 66 and  so she does know better - I can't blame it on ignorance.

Seriously, with all the people dying in the streets in the name of religion, and you can't blame it on ignorance.??

It is plain and simply IGNORANCE. now you need to learn to deal effectively with ignorance, or you will be the one ultimately responsibly for the problems that keep your kids from peace and serenity. Not their lame obviously ignorant granny lady.

[Nighthawk61]

ife360_dave, she's cause me so much pain and so hurt in the past 15 years that we've married.
So you've tried for 8 years, and have been like this for 7 ? The last 7 years of your kids lives you've allowed this hatred to flourish?
Isn't it time for a change?
Can't you give peace a chance.?

[Nighthawk61]

Anyways, i've given you my best advice for this matter. that i can.
If one door closes (therapy) another opens (the advice you've gotten here). If you cant' use any of it, and don't want to give it a chance, then by all means, dump your marriage and then you have the experience to say that from your experience mixed marriages don't work. Your choice.

[Nighthawk61]

There are also variations to this game plan.

While you do this a few times, in the presence of your kids and your husband,

Treat her like a child. "Mother, would you like some tea?" You get ignored silence. Look her directly in the eye, and say"No, arent 'you feeling well?..etc.

You then change it up. Say "Mother, would you like some tea? You get ignored silence, Look your daughter in the eye and say "Oh that's okay Mother, are you not feeling well?" Let your daughter and son and husband know that you are not afraid, you are doing your level best to be a good mother and wife. and let the chips fall where they will.

What i don't get , is even if this women is in your house, is she always right beside you? it sounds like you can't or don't get away. I've got renters in the top of my house and i manage to stay away from them. This women is not blood related to you, Can you not just do your job as a stay at home mother, and walk away? without insisting that your husband disown the mother that bore him? I think you're asking too much and that it isn't necessary. Yes, it would be nice if he put his arm around you,but he was raised with a cold rude women , what do you expect? Does he do so when she's not around, or is he a bit cold himself to those types of actions. After all a son that never saw a mother and her husband pass hugs and gestures, may not know how , and may not want to if he's made to feel he has to get rid of his mother to make you happy or make you stay.