I hate my MIL so much I hate my kids being around her

[NAZKH]

My MIL is main reason for tumultuous marriage. She's created a lot of problems between my husband and I. She is for a different culture so being accepted and welcomed has never happened. There has been so much hurt and pain caused that it's become toxic. My MIL is a widow and a mama's boy - his mother comes to visit for about a month every 6 months from overseas. I think it's easier to forgive someone for what they've done if you don't see them again or have minimal interaction but my husband refuses to barr his mom from visiting. Now it's gotten to a point where I hate my kids interacting with her at all. What can I do to help myself from feeling this way other than getting a divorce.

[NAZKH]

Thank you Anna. I think the biggest thing I am struggling with is not getting any validation from my husband. How can he just sit and watch the rude and disrespectful behavior from his mother towards his wife - the silence from the husband stings even more. I think if I got a "This is a difficult time - but I love you and just try and bear with it" I would be ok and could cope better. It's hard very hard and she left with bitter feelings - She made it clear that I was beneath her.

[Kayannaboo]

No one can place you beneath them my dear. The only way we are beneath someone is if we willingly decide to take residence there. I think you are a little intimidated by her and so it becomes easy for her to "put you down". She does not have this right and she can only take this right if you give it to her and this goes for human beings in general. If you lay yourself down on the floor in the space of a door mat, people will walk on you. It is up to you decide that mother in law or not, you are beneath no one.

[Kayannaboo]

In general, men do not like to get involved in disputes especially one as sensitive as this. I do not believe your husband is deliberately trying to hurt you, he is just having a rough time as he feels he has to choose and when the choice is mother or wife, it gets rocky. Also, males tend to have a special love for their mothers, as females usually have a special love for their fathers. It is hard for him.

[NAZKH]

Thanks so much. I really appreciate the kind words. It's hard but support from this group helps.

[NAZKH]

Thank you for your response. I have 2 young daughters so I don't understand the dynamics between a mother and son. But I do know that more than anything it comes down to love and how you are treated. I think you will make a wonderful MIL because you understand that if you have want good relations with your grand children and son then your DIL has to be respected and shown some love. At the end of the day all I want is peace in my heart and a husband that can show some validation and love. Life is short and these hardships make it very difficult to find peace and serenity.

[NAZKH]

Thank you for your support Nighthawk61. My MIL is only 66 but loves playing wounded warrior - I think she will be around a longggg time so it makes it hard to tolerate the situation. Thanks for your support and understanding. May we all be blessed with peace and love in our lives.

[Nighthawk61]

He chose you to be his wife he doesn't think you are beneath her  or he wouldn't have married you,

Learn to compartmentalize. Separate you from the problem. Get your head out of that game. Your MIL is projecting, she feels inadequate to you. You have taken her boy away from her to another country away and she probably resents you for it. Could that be a possibility ? How did you and he get together and make the decision to live away from his mother ?

[Nighthawk61]

Does your family live near you ?