I have to sleep on the couch when my bfs children are at the house

[Somegirl0602]

Me and my bf live together. We have been together for 2 years. Him and his ex have been split for almost 3 years. When he had the kids he insist on sleeping with them and in our bed! So I get the couch or I could sleep in their room.... I just wanna ask to see if maybe I’m crazy and I’m not seeing the other side of things, am I wrong for getting very angry about this? I oh 80% or more of the bills and I get the couch? I have my kid full time and he sleeps on his own. He is 3! His are 5/8 and they sleep in their own rooms at their mothers house. It’s the house that he had with her before the divorce so he says it’s their house and that’s fine I don’t want anything from the house. I want us to get a new place when we can afford a new one.

[AnnieBrooke]

You know, I think if my husband (I'm using him as an example because I'm married, but this would go for boyfriend also) ever asked me to get out of our bed because he wanted his kid to sleep in it, I'd get out to the nearest motel and make plans to call the movers. But maybe I wouldn't be that harsh. It's just that I can't imagine him even asking this. We get crowded out sometimes by our son wandering in and climbing into bed with us in the middle of the night, but it never translates into him asking me to leave. Both he and I have had times when we just got up and went into the guest room so we could sleep, if our son had ensconced himself into our bed, but never would one of us ask the other to get out because the son needed the space. Usually one of us just wakes up the kid and walk him back to his room.

How did that conversation ever even happen? I guess I am asking if he really did directly ask you to get out of your bed so the kids could be in it. Or if you just decided to do this. If he didn't ask you to get out, but you just decided things were too crowded and got out, that is a really different issue than if he asked you to get out.

[Somegirl0602]

I’ve made it very clear that I can not sleep with the children in the bed. They eat in it play and stay up all night. And who wants to sleep with 4 people in the bed? I work 2 jobs and go to school and raise my children full time. I spent lots of money for them to have a cool room and he still won’t make them sleep in there. I feel like he could go sleep in their room with them if he wants to sleep with them. There was a couple of times he did make them go to their room and sleep in there with them but he didn’t like that that wasn’t comfortable for HIM. I mean I don’t put my toddler in the bed he goes to his bed and sleeps great. I also don’t thinks it’s very fair to my child to make him go to his own room and then sleep in the bed with other children. Occasionally would be ok like I’d understand a bad dream something like that. Idk maybe I’m just being a *****. But it all feels very wrong to me.

[AnnieBrooke]

The different issue being, if you just decided you didn't want to sleep in the same bed with some kids that you don't really know let alone feel super close to, that should be the only point of the discussion with your boyfriend. Not getting super angry and feeling obliged to argue about whether you are wrong for getting super angry, and not "I pay 80% of the bills!" which should never have even come up in the conversation about where his kids sleep. Just "I know you love your kids but I don't want to share my bed with kids who aren't mine." If this was your decision (to leave the bed) and not his suggestion, it sounds like things escalated into areas that are not in fact about the kids. If you want, talk to him about the money situation. Talk to him about your tendency to get angry, even. But don't hang it on his kids. They just sound like a trigger for what else is going on already.

[AnnieBrooke]

I see my last comment crossed in the ether with yours.

Sounds like you don't like his boundaries and his relationship with his kids, feeling yours are a better way to raise a child. Maybe. But he is who he is. Do you want him warts and all or not?

If you think that he would be amenable to some instruction about raising kids and this issue in particular, maybe a family counselor could have better luck getting him to see it as a fairness issue.

[AnnieBrooke]

(A fairness issue because otherwise he is going to sense it as a control issue, and this is not a good area to have a power struggle in. Save your energy to fight about money. lol)

[AnnieBrooke]

I don't think you should have to spend the night with 4 people in a bed. On this topic alone, you and your boyfriend should problem-solve. You say "he says it’s their house and that’s fine I don’t want anything from the house. I want us to get a new place when we can afford a new one." I hope this doesn't mean you assume the kids won't come into the new one with the same right of access that they have now, because they are always going to have that right, as long as your boyfriend is their dad.

A child's parent's home is that child's home too. A divorce does not divorce the parental relationship. The kids still have the right to feel like the place where their dad is, and where they grew up, is home. Even if you move, they will continue to have the right to enter their dad's house without knocking, all their lives.

In your title you said "when my bfs children are at the house." It's more realistic to think of it as "when my boyfriend's kids come home for weekends." With this mindset, you can see that you deciding to assign them to a space away from Daddy (no matter how nicely you fixed it up) is not your role.  A stepmom's power base is not authority but warmth -- psychologists categorize it as "reverent power," meaning, the only power a stepparent has is that the kids like her so much they do things to please her. This means you can't issue edicts about where the kids sleep or gain your way by critiquing your boyfriend's parenting, you have to instead brainstorm with him how to be as connected to his kids as he clearly wants when they are together, so they are having fun and getting the serious contact they need. (If Daddy feels so lonely for his kids that he's actually willing to see you leave the room, what does that say about custody? Does it need to be adjusted? They all might need more time together.)

I don't suppose any of what I've said is too thrilling for you to listen to, and you might think I'm full of it. But a Daddy represents home and heart and love, and he always will (unless he walks out on being a Daddy at all), so it might be time to work out how to support that when you don't have extremely lush resources (such as a spa-like guest room to retreat to for yourself, or a big fun bunkhouse for Daddy and the kids). It beats getting "very angry."

[AnnieBrooke]

Sorry to post again but I also thought of something else. If this was the bed that was in the house when you moved in, and I can't see why it wouldn't be unless you brought a better one and the two of you tossed the old one out, he probably thinks of it as part of his house, and to some extent you are a newcomer to it compared to the kids' prior rights to it. Not saying this is logical, just that it is possibly emotionally or psychologically what was going on.

[Somegirl0602]

Thanks for your input helped some

[specialmom]

Sounds like too that you get the raw end of the deal.  Why isn't your man contributing more to finances?  I'd not settle for a guy I flip the bill for.  That's just me but he doesn't sound like the best catch.

I think to be honest, it's hard to be with someone with kids.  If there are no other beds as in he's not getting his kids a room of their own or beds, then they should get the bed when he sees them.  They come first.  That's hard but how I see it as a parent.  So, would a solution be to get a place where they have their own room and beds?  Then you have your room the two of you share and they have theirs.  Or at the very least, you have a second room with a bed for yourself if he feels he wants to be with them when they visit.  (and this sounds like visits more than shared equal custody?).

I never slept with my kids.  But lots of parents do.  And your boyfriend sounds like he is trying to attach to his kids when he does have them.  Sorry, this sounds like a hard situation!

[AnnieBrooke]

It sounds like he feels bad for not being with the kids and is trying to compensate for this by being warm and close when they are there. Too bad it means you can't even be in a bed. I guess I would talk this out with him with a counselor.