To start with, I love my boyfriend very much. We began dating 2 wks after a moved to a new city after a rocky 3 yrs. getting my life back together again after a previous bad breakup. I decided to move to Pittsburgh after completing a Master's Degree to begin life over again, get established, find a job and regain independence - but then I met a man who I fell in love with. After about 8 mos. of working as a temp in a job I hated and borrowing money to pay for rent that was too high my boyfriend asked me to move in with him instead of finding another apartment. By this time I was sick of Pittsburgh (and originally planned to only give it a year, if it didn't work there I would move on - probably to someplace near the ocean so I could get back into the job I had before Grad School - working as a SCUBA instructor). Anyhow, I agreed and moved in with my boyfriend who is financially stable. My temp job as a Customer Service Rep for benefits processing was really beginning to wear on me, as well as the long hours, bus commute and living in an apartment with all my stuff still in the garage due to not having space or ample time to incorporate it into "our" apartment - which is expensive and I can't even afford half the rent.
I ended up having a breakdown and had to go to a mental facility where I stayed a week. My boyfriend stuck by my side. For months prior I was having outbursts and depression. Emotionally I am doing OK now. I quit my job 2 months ago and my boyfriend is fully financially supporting us and is OK with it. I just feel like such a loser. I do a lot of work around the house and clean, I also cook dinners every night and work out. It should be perfect - only I am living a life that I am OK with - but not like this - not as a girlfriend. I don't want to be negative, but I can't help seeing the underlying instability of this situation. He can leave me at anytime and I would just have to pack up and leave. I am 32, and I want a husband and children. I understand that he doesn't want to get engaged since I did have emotional instability and our relationship went through a lot. It's been over a year, and I just don't know if maybe too much has happened negatively in our relationship because of me for him to ever be confident enough to propose to me.
I don't feel right living like a wife - yet being a girlfriend. In the least it would be nice to at least be engaged - at least then I think I would feel a little more stable that he truly does want to spend his life with me and is not simply enjoying having me around since I am there for him when he needs me there. His schedule is long hours - and I just don't know what to do. Do I stay and wait or do I move on and find myself and see if I can make it in this world independantly so that I have that stability knowing if all else fails I can still support and take care of myself? I brought this up with my boyfriend, but he got upset and said I am thinking negatively and this builds a barrier and makes marriage more unlikely.
Any advice would be so greatly appreciated.