In love with another man

[Renee_K]

I am 35 years old and have been married for nearly 9 years now to a wonderful man who has been always very kind and patient with me, but who I think I never been in love with for real. He was such a difference to all the guys who I met before my husband by being very flexible, easy-going and supportive. So when I married him I really felt secure and happy. I moved to another part of the world for him as we met during our studies in another country and that was a huge change despite the fact I have been moving around the world for studies and work... Almost three years ago we got an amazing son, who is the biggest joy in our lives now...but since his birth the relationship with my husband has been deteriorating. I think the biggest challenge for me is that I am not very attracted to my husband physically. This part of our relationship has always been OK, but never great - just my inner feeling... My husband is a successful lawyer and actually is a very attractive tall blond scandinavian man, but he has lost lots of weight especially since our son was born and I am just not attracted to slim guys...I tried hard to push him to workout more (I workout myself a lot usually during lunch hours at work) as it is so important to me to be attracted and be intimately active, but he's just never got the time with work and child at home ... and after all this time it feels like I have died on the inside as we can go without sex for months... Now I feel that we are just partners, best friends who happened to have a child together and now taking care of this child under one roof...
And here the interesting part comes. I work for an international logistics company and was assigned a project a couple of months ago, which I am working on together with an external consultant... It was quite clear from the first time we met with this man that we liked each other at the first sight. We have had a few international travels for this project during which I feel I've had the best time of my life with even just flying to the destinations, dinners, endless talks...I am very attracted to this man and it feels that we understand each other so well on all levels...it is nearly unbelievable. I have never felt like this before...He really does drive me crazy... He feels the same and torn apart completely...
And I cannot eat, cannot focus on anything and constantly have a spasm in my stomach... The complicated part here besides me being married and having a son is that he lives in another country and is also married with two young kids. His marriage is not been working for a long while, but he is still living with his wife...
He comes on average once a week for meetings here at our office and last week was here just to see me... When we are together it feels like nothing else matters in this world and all the obstacles just vanish...However I am a thinking person and so he is and we, of course, realise that our situation is just too complicated to even start thinking about it... Each time I think about what potentially we could do to be together I just end up crying as I don't see us together because of the kids...It hurts like hell and I have been going crazy for weeks losing weight and being totally distracted...Another thing is that I am not sure I can ever leave my husband...and I understand that I don't want to be in the middle of this guy's relationship with his wife who he doesn't love obviously, but I am not sure whether he would ever dare to leave either as he is totally afraid to not see his kids regularly...I cannot imagine seeing my little son every second week only either... but it all HURTS so much that I don't know how to move on... We talk a lot with this guy about our feelings and how much we would want to be together, but we always end up in silence as he cannot move here and i cannot move there...
I know that most of the people would say to just try to forget him as soon as possible for obvious reasons, but when I think that will live my life the way I did before this project I start panicking and feel soooo unhappy and sad. This man as if woken up me and I recognise old myself all physical and sensual... I am totally in love, but so miserable at the same time and don't know what to do in this situation.........  

[Nighthawk61]

I wonder if your husband knows how you feel about him being too thin? and without (i take it) muscle tone? He can't begin to change what he doesn't know, or that he doesn't know the extent to which you wish he would change. For a guy who has provided so much for his family, it seems to me, if he knew how you felt, he would put the effort in to change. That's where a therapist might come in handy for you both. As someone else mentioned, maybe he's losing weight himself, because he is unhappy. He too is going without sex for months on end, and it might be just as bothersome to him as to you. You and he need to spend some time having a few talks yourself.

I too would get it into your head, once and for all, that this other thing can go nowhere, and as such is a waste of your precious time. It simply is not worth becoming that woman, who cheats and disrupts the lives of so many innocents.

Wishing you the best and hoping that you let us know how you're feeling and how you're doing.

[nursegirl6572]

I couldn't agree more with all of the comments.  I agree that you're in love with an IDEA, not a person.

I would encourage you to start working on your marriage, and I mean REALLY working on it....which means cutting ALL ties with your lover.  You will never be able to fairly try to work through the issues with your marriage with an interloper in the picture.  And, remember, he's got a spouse and kids too.  ALL of those people deserve a fair chance without the interference of an outsider.  There just is NO other way.  If you're not willing to completely WALK away from this man, and give your marriage some time and effort, your marriage WILL fail.  You cannot work on your marriage with the new guy on the side.

It seems to me, that the biggest issue in your marriage, according to you, is a lack of passion, lack of sex in your marriage.  I'd say, welcome to marriage.  LOL   I think that kind of thing happens to every marriage at some point, for a time.  Especially in a marriage with young children and two very busy adults.  You say that you want your husband to work out more, because you don't like "slim men", yet, you go onto say that he's so busy being a provider and a father, that he doesn't really have the time for work outs.  Doesn't seem very fair, does it?  With all due respect, that's very selfish.  You sound very smart, I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know.

Try to do a role reversal, and imagine how YOU would feel if your husband found someone else, and really, the only thing he had to say bad about you was that you were too heavy, or that you now had gray hair.  That would be a knife to the heart, I'm sure you would agree.

I sincerely hope you make the right decision and try to work on your marriage.  You're only compounding the problems by getting involved with this man.  You not only owe it to your husband and your children, but also YOURSELF.  SO many of these stories end up with the unfaithful partner having HUGE regrets, and longing to have their spouse back after reality sets in with the new lover.  And sadly, it's almost always too late at that point.  Don't find yourself full of regrets, missing perhaps the very very best ting that every happened to you.  Your husband sounds like a pretty amazing guy.

Best to you, take care.

[Renee_K]

Thank you very much for your comment, special mom. Really appreciated

[Chima7]

After all this time and so many of the exact same story happening over and over again, you'd think people would have learned some kind of lesson by now. People keep thinking the grass is  greener only to find out that there was nothing but weeds on the other side. This happens every time.

You married a good guy. He's employed with a strong career, he treats you well, is not abusive, is a good father, he's good looking, and has many other good qualities that make him, by all accounts, a really good husband. And here's you saying, "But he's too thin so he's boring!" Really? If you were my friend in real life I'd slap you across the face to wake you up cause you're obviously in some kind of coma if you think some random co worker who is married with 2 kids and lives in another country is a better match for you. You need to wake up because you are not living in reality.

The only things you know about this random co worker is what he has chosen to share with you. You have not lived with him or had to deal with him when things are in crisis mode. You haven't had to figure out how he fights during misunderstandings and disagreements. You literally know nothing about him and you're sitting there pouting and carrying on like a lovestruck teenager. Maybe it's time instead to start working on being a better mom and wife to the family that you already have. Because you're being really selfish here and for no other reason than you're bored. This is not at all a mature nor proper way to handle your situation. You owe it to that kid of yours and your husband who never did anything bad to you and is a decent guy, to wake up and stop being so selfish. And you need to stop flirting with that other guy because he has been cheating on his wife with you. What makes you think he wouldn't do the same thing to you if you got together?  He's very unprofessional and improper and if you were smart you'd shut him down immediately. This is a disaster waiting to happen, otherwise.

[Jinx_777]

I agree with everything already said and there really is not much else to add other than -- you also said this 'situation' has caused YOU to not eat and lose weight....  any chance you husband is going through the SAME thing you are??

You were attracted to your husband for the qualities that this fantasy man does not have.  if he had them he would not be cheating on his wife and kids.  maybe he has a woman in every country he goes to???  you KNOW your husband and that is where you should be focusing your energy if you are unhappy.  chances are he is not happy either and one of you is going to have to take the initiative you work on your MARRIAGE.  you owe it to your son

[specialmom]

well said londres.  

[Londres70]

I would HIGHLY recommend you consider marital counseling.  Does your husband know how you feel?

Well.......it is NEVER a good idea to mix business with pleasure.  

Secondly, married MEANS married.  This guy is nothing more than an distraction from the REAL problems in your life.  Did he tell you he wanted to be with you or are you hoping he feels something for you?  

You both need to focus on your marriages and not on what "could" be if you both were together.  To be honest, you really don't know this man other then having occasional business/personal chats with him.  Even if you could be together the foundation wasn't great from the start and the relationship would probably not work.

Sadness and happiness are choices.  No man is responsible for your happiness......you are.  If you continue to look for men or people to make you happy in this life you will be in for a rude awakening each time.

You are "in love" with a fantasy; this isn't real.   You love the distraction from your "real life."  You are liking the thrill and the attention of it all.

Let me ask you this.......would it be fair for him to turn his back on his two children and marriage to have a life with you?  Would it be fair to put your child through a situation where his mother decided to be with her lover and leave dad?  

Think about the OTHERS here and not just yourself and then things will be CRYSTAL clear.  

Instead of worrying about what life would be like with this other guy why not worry about why your husband is dropping weight; his health?  Instead, you are more concerned with him being "too thin" because you don't like thin men.......I mean, really?  That's sounds pretty shallow and callous.  

[specialmom]

Hi,  sorry you find yourself at this situation,.

Every time you think of the other man, think about your son that you love.  Your son that wants you to try to work things out with your father and your son that would like you to be a loyal person.  That's powerful stuff for me as my kids matter most to me.

You married someone and had a child together.  That means you owe it to that person and relationship to give it your best shot to work it out.  Just not being attractive to slim men is not a reason to not have sex with your spouse.  I've been married for 14 yeas and plan on being married to the same person forever---  my expectation is not that they never change.  I've changed after giving birth and aging since I met my husband.  I was a 'work out' queen when we met and as other things took hold of my life, I still try to be active but I'm not focused on my physique anymore.  And my husband likes my cooking!  He's gotten a little belly on him.  But he's my life partner and I expect us to age and change over the years.  Isn't that part of the deal?

You are going through a time period that many couples find hard.  When there has been a child that takes up a lot of the "us" time---  distance can grow.  The key is to bridge the distance and try to get close again.  This is done by making an honest effort to be emotionally and physically connected to your partner.  At first when trying to 'get back to where you were' it may feel a bit strained but then it becomes normal and couples can often get close again.  Did this with my own husband when we had been distracted by our two kids during the toddler years.  

but the wrong way to go is to begin to think of someone else.  To cheat.  That is a major blow to your character that you will never get over if you continue to pursue that path.  Things always seem wonderful until they are your reality.  Then you and this other man will look at each other and have trust issues.  This other man will never fully trust you because he will always have in the back of his mind that if you become disconnected---  that you will go find someone else.  And you'll always wonder about him in that same regard as he is with a married woman right now which is not an admirable thing to do.  

You need to stop communication with the other guy.  This is hurting you and your child and your husband.  It's fantasy.  It's not worth it.

Focus on your real life.  If after a year of HONEST effort--  then consider divorce.  Then be single for a while as you and your son adjust to this phase of life and AFTER some time as a single woman--  then look for someone to properly start dating.  Do not leave where your husband lives though as your child needs to have both kids actively in his life and near by.  No one has to live in misery.  But you describe things that can be worked on.  Please try to work on them or leave the relationship in a proper way.

Marriage counseling is also a wonderful thing for a disconnected couple.  good luck