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How much is too much?
I want some input from both men and women.
As some of you know I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years, we have a 2 year old son together and I am 3 months pregnant with his child, we live life like we are married and are talking about marriage shortly after the baby is born. My question is....how much is too much when it comes to him going out with his friends? When we first started going out he and I would do stuff together but then I got pregnant and was obviously not going to go out drinking with him and his buddies. He was a big *** and would go out whenever he felt like it. After a long time he shaped up and was going out only once every other week. Now he seems to be regressing back to his old behavior, he has started going out 1 or 2 nights, which still is nothing compared to how much he used to go out but still I think it is too much. He stays out late, like 2am or later and he thinks there is nothing wrong with it, he says that is what guys do and it is normal. He doesn't have many friends that are dads and most of them are not with the moms if they do have kids so I feel like he has no role model on how he SHOULD act, he never had a dad either and all of his moms boyfriends were drug addicts, I feel like because of this he doesn't know how he should act when it comes to being a father and husband.
Am I being crazy? Is 1 or 2 nights a week normal for a family man?
As some of you know I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years, we have a 2 year old son together and I am 3 months pregnant with his child, we live life like we are married and are talking about marriage shortly after the baby is born. My question is....how much is too much when it comes to him going out with his friends? When we first started going out he and I would do stuff together but then I got pregnant and was obviously not going to go out drinking with him and his buddies. He was a big *** and would go out whenever he felt like it. After a long time he shaped up and was going out only once every other week. Now he seems to be regressing back to his old behavior, he has started going out 1 or 2 nights, which still is nothing compared to how much he used to go out but still I think it is too much. He stays out late, like 2am or later and he thinks there is nothing wrong with it, he says that is what guys do and it is normal. He doesn't have many friends that are dads and most of them are not with the moms if they do have kids so I feel like he has no role model on how he SHOULD act, he never had a dad either and all of his moms boyfriends were drug addicts, I feel like because of this he doesn't know how he should act when it comes to being a father and husband.
Am I being crazy? Is 1 or 2 nights a week normal for a family man?
Sammy-I don't go out with him because we don't have a sitter, my family always has an excuse so they are no help.
I do like to go hang out with my friends but they are all in still in college mode and go out drinking to have fun. I am not saying that they wouldn't do something a little more low key with me if I asked because they would but most of my girlfriends are bartenders and waitresses and don't get off work until late and they are in classes during the day. It just seems like there is never time to see my friends.
Honestly, yes, a lot of my anger about him going out is resentment that I don't get to be young like him when I am the one that in fact never really got to be young. I was 19 when I got pregnant, Joe was 26, he had his time out. A lot of it is jealously too, I always wonder why he would rather hang out with his friends than me.
I do like to go hang out with my friends but they are all in still in college mode and go out drinking to have fun. I am not saying that they wouldn't do something a little more low key with me if I asked because they would but most of my girlfriends are bartenders and waitresses and don't get off work until late and they are in classes during the day. It just seems like there is never time to see my friends.
Honestly, yes, a lot of my anger about him going out is resentment that I don't get to be young like him when I am the one that in fact never really got to be young. I was 19 when I got pregnant, Joe was 26, he had his time out. A lot of it is jealously too, I always wonder why he would rather hang out with his friends than me.
Honestly, I think once a week or so is OK. It would be more balanced if he went out with you as often as he goes out with his mates, then maybe you wouldn't feel so resentful? Are you not going out with him because he doesn't want to go out with you, or because you don't feel like it? You don't have to go to a smoky bar, you could go for a meal or to the cinema or something. Tell him you want to go out, or just arrange something for you both to do together. I know it's not easy when your pregnant, you feel so much more tired, but I'm sure you'll be glad you did.
Also, go out without him occasionally! Tell him that it's his turn to stay home with your son, go out with your female friends or go over to one of their homes for an evening of gossiping or watching girly movies or something. Invite friends over to your home for something similar, tell him he's got to get out of the house.
In a couple it's good for both parties to retain a bit of life that is independant of their partner. Your boyfriend is doing that, and it would benefit you if you did too.
BTW, I'm saying all this as the partner in my relationship who goes out less often, so I'm not trying to justify my own behaviour!!
Having said all this, I do feel that, as a father, he should be more responsible, and not come home so late or drunk that he's not fit to do his fatherly duty the next morning (or at least only VERY occasionally, and having cleared it with you first that he intends to have a big night out).
BTW, if you come across as clingy, you'll only drive him away. This is a time you need him around, and you need his support and help - it is right that you should tell him that, but if you come across as desparate or needy or resentful of him, you will stir up negative feelings in him that won't help your cause.
Also, go out without him occasionally! Tell him that it's his turn to stay home with your son, go out with your female friends or go over to one of their homes for an evening of gossiping or watching girly movies or something. Invite friends over to your home for something similar, tell him he's got to get out of the house.
In a couple it's good for both parties to retain a bit of life that is independant of their partner. Your boyfriend is doing that, and it would benefit you if you did too.
BTW, I'm saying all this as the partner in my relationship who goes out less often, so I'm not trying to justify my own behaviour!!
Having said all this, I do feel that, as a father, he should be more responsible, and not come home so late or drunk that he's not fit to do his fatherly duty the next morning (or at least only VERY occasionally, and having cleared it with you first that he intends to have a big night out).
BTW, if you come across as clingy, you'll only drive him away. This is a time you need him around, and you need his support and help - it is right that you should tell him that, but if you come across as desparate or needy or resentful of him, you will stir up negative feelings in him that won't help your cause.
Thank you for your concern mami, I know you were just looking out for me :)
I know he needs to slow down on going out, I will talk to him I just need to wait until the right time, I need to feel him out for a time where he is actually going to listen and not get defensive.
I know he needs to slow down on going out, I will talk to him I just need to wait until the right time, I need to feel him out for a time where he is actually going to listen and not get defensive.
Ok, just wanted to make sure. You know him better than I do. Not all men are that way, some do like to go out with their friends. But at some point he needs to start making his family a priority. I do believe he can slow down on his going out. Especially if it makes him useless the next day because he is hung over. I think if you two sit down and talk and work out a middle ground then perhaps that would help. I wish you all the best, I know pregnancy is not the easiest to deal with and it only makes it worse when we feel that the men in our lives are not being supportive.
mami- I just read your journal and yes it does sound a lot like Joe. I don't want to sound like a naive girlfriend but I really do trust Joe in the sense that he would never cheat on me. Joe goes to the same bar every time he goes out and it is the same bar that my sister and her friends go to on the weekends. Every weekend my sister tells me that she saw him there until close with his friends playing pool. He is always where he says he is going to be, I am not shy when it comes to finding out. I know his friends numbers and I will call them if Joe doesn't answer. When I do call his friends he is always right there next to them.
Also, Joe isn't your typical guy when it comes to sex, he just isn't that into it. I am always the one to initiate it, he is 29 years old and has only been with 4 girls including me. I really don't feel like he would stray sexually when he knows I am always willing.
I know there is emotional cheating as well not just sexually but I just don't think he has it in him. He told me the passwords to his email and facebook, he doesn't get mad of defensive when I look into either account and he doesn't care if I look through his phone.
Maybe I am wrong, I know people can be very deceiving but I trust him.
Also, Joe isn't your typical guy when it comes to sex, he just isn't that into it. I am always the one to initiate it, he is 29 years old and has only been with 4 girls including me. I really don't feel like he would stray sexually when he knows I am always willing.
I know there is emotional cheating as well not just sexually but I just don't think he has it in him. He told me the passwords to his email and facebook, he doesn't get mad of defensive when I look into either account and he doesn't care if I look through his phone.
Maybe I am wrong, I know people can be very deceiving but I trust him.
GRose, I don't want to come off as being harsh but did you read my Angry Letter journal entry. Does this sound anything like your boyfriend? I don't want you to think that your bf could be doing what mine did but it sounds all to familiar for me. I think there is a maturity level missing in your bf and a lack of family values. My fiance is the same, lacks values. While I do think it's ok for a guy to blow off steam with his buddies about once a month, what your bf is doing is completely disrespectful and unfair. Especially with one toddler at home and another on the way. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. It's hurtful and it makes us feel like we have no choice but to accept it when there are choices.
You need to try to talk to him again and tell him that if he wants to make this work, you expect him to always put his family first. He needs to care that this is so important to you,honey. Good luck.
GRose- that does sound like more then I would be happy with, actually. I think back to before I got pregnant with my now 4 month old. I was getting out of hand with my going out after work and it made DH upset. There were times i wouldnt come home till like 4 and I had 2 kids to wake up with. I just got TOO involved. I can see now what you are going through...as I was the one putting my DH through the same thing once upon a time....its not ok, i'm sorry if I made it sound that way. I didnt know then the extent of the problem
One of the reasons mine has little to no desire to go out is because he's already done all of that. In his past he spent thousands of dollars at boobie bars, and boozing it up with friends. He is 37, not much older than your guy. He told me his wild ways changed once his oldest daughter was born. Then he picked them up again once he separated fom his ex wife. Then he dropped them again once he met me. I am not a party girl at all. I would rather have company over here, start a big fire in the back yard, bring the cooler of beer outside, and safely conversate in the comfort of our back yard. He is all for that too. I guess his ex didn't allow much company over, heck its fun for me.
I do not insist that he stay home, and also do not insist on going out with him, I have actually encouraged him to go with some of his buddies. He just doesn't have the desire, but trust me, if he did he would tell me. :)
His sister and I go out for margaritas every other Saturday... but sometimes it's more like every 3rd or 4th Saturday.. it's not consistant. That is my way of releasing some built up frustration of life. We sit at the Mexican place down the road from her house and share a pitcher of Margaritas. I think everyone needs a little time outside of home to relax, but to me 2 times a week is a little much. That is just my opinion. Especially if he is responsible for your babies while you work. That would p*ss me of if he came home at 5 in the morning still drunk, and was supposed to care for our baby. What the heck is he doing out that late??? I agree he should have stopped WAY earlier!
I do not insist that he stay home, and also do not insist on going out with him, I have actually encouraged him to go with some of his buddies. He just doesn't have the desire, but trust me, if he did he would tell me. :)
His sister and I go out for margaritas every other Saturday... but sometimes it's more like every 3rd or 4th Saturday.. it's not consistant. That is my way of releasing some built up frustration of life. We sit at the Mexican place down the road from her house and share a pitcher of Margaritas. I think everyone needs a little time outside of home to relax, but to me 2 times a week is a little much. That is just my opinion. Especially if he is responsible for your babies while you work. That would p*ss me of if he came home at 5 in the morning still drunk, and was supposed to care for our baby. What the heck is he doing out that late??? I agree he should have stopped WAY earlier!
GRose, this seems like more than spending too much time with friends. My husband stops at a club on the way home from work at least two nights a week to maet a variety of friends, has a beer or two, and is home by 9 or so.
He also rides his motorcycle with friends during nice weather at least one weekend day, but again, home by 6 or so. I know guys who are on a basketball team, or golf a lot, stuff like that. I think guy friends for men are really great.
What your boyfriend is doing stretches beyond that - prowling around til 2 a.m. and drinking when he's recovering from opiate addiction - that's a problem.
I don't know what to say except, yes, I think it's a problem. I don't know how to suggest ways to empower your position.
Best wishes.
He also rides his motorcycle with friends during nice weather at least one weekend day, but again, home by 6 or so. I know guys who are on a basketball team, or golf a lot, stuff like that. I think guy friends for men are really great.
What your boyfriend is doing stretches beyond that - prowling around til 2 a.m. and drinking when he's recovering from opiate addiction - that's a problem.
I don't know what to say except, yes, I think it's a problem. I don't know how to suggest ways to empower your position.
Best wishes.
Tell him if you are going to be together, you need to agree on how often he goes out with friends and set guidelines for both of you in your relationship, otherwise he will have to choose you or his friends. If he cares about how you feel, he will consider this fair. Good luck. Congrats on the new baby!
I have discussed it with him and he feels that he is doing nothing wrong. He swears that his few married friends go out just as much as him and so he thinks it is normal. He is so freakin hard headed, I really don't know if there is any getting through to him.
It makes me so mad because a while back I scared the **** out of him. I started going out A LOT and told him that I no longer wanted to be with him. It made him realize that he needed to shape up or I was going to leave. So he did, he was only going out 1 once a month and that was fine with me but know he knows he has me and he thinks he can do whatever he wants.
It makes me so mad because a while back I scared the **** out of him. I started going out A LOT and told him that I no longer wanted to be with him. It made him realize that he needed to shape up or I was going to leave. So he did, he was only going out 1 once a month and that was fine with me but know he knows he has me and he thinks he can do whatever he wants.
That would depend of if he feels he is a family man. Maybe that is what you need to discuss with him. Prioritys. His.
Not to mention the fact that he is going to be completely useless as a Dad today when I leave for work this morning. He didn't come home until 5 am because he was too drunk to drive earlier. That's fine, I don't want him drinking and driving but then don't drink so much, why does he need to get completely plastered every time he goes out?? Joe is on medication for opiate dependency and isn't even supposed to be drinking at all. When I bring that up he ignores me. I want so badly to call his dr. and tell on him but I know he will lie to her and that if she believes me and he doesn't fix the problem she will no longer see him as a patient. I don't want to risk that because I don't want him to relapse after almost 2 years clean.
Yes, I have talked to him about it but there is no budging him, when Joe wants to do something he is going to do it. It's like he cant say no to his friends, we will be at home hanging out and if a friend calls to play pool or darts he is all over it, he can never just say that he is hanging out with me. I feel like I am his last resort and there is always something better out there.
Ziggy- I am a waitress, so he thinks that because I work with my friends that work is also my fun time. When I wasn't pregnant I would stay after work for my shift drink and then I would come home. Now that I am prego I go home as soon as I clock out, I don't want to sit in a smokey bar. But seriously, you wouldn't mind if your hubby was going out 2 nights a week and not coming home until after bar close? I think if it was happening you would mind. I do enjoy time to myself so I don't mind if he goes out every once in a while but I think he is doing it too much.
Joe is really into xbox and stuff like that too so he goes over to his friends houses to play because we don't have any video games. If he didn't spend $40 each night he goes out we could put that extra money toward an x box or better yet a wii, something we can both enjoy.
Ziggy- I am a waitress, so he thinks that because I work with my friends that work is also my fun time. When I wasn't pregnant I would stay after work for my shift drink and then I would come home. Now that I am prego I go home as soon as I clock out, I don't want to sit in a smokey bar. But seriously, you wouldn't mind if your hubby was going out 2 nights a week and not coming home until after bar close? I think if it was happening you would mind. I do enjoy time to myself so I don't mind if he goes out every once in a while but I think he is doing it too much.
Joe is really into xbox and stuff like that too so he goes over to his friends houses to play because we don't have any video games. If he didn't spend $40 each night he goes out we could put that extra money toward an x box or better yet a wii, something we can both enjoy.
My husband loves his xbox. He has this game he plays constantly 'Gears of War' and he just gets into it. I don't like those games. I actually think that one and WII makes me look dumb lol, but I'd rather have him playing Gears of War at home.
I hear you on that.....my DH and his best friend( who lives down the block) are always on the xbox talking over that headset...its cracks me up how serious they get about what they are doing in the game.
well, i guess im lucky my husband and his guy buddies are all die-hard gamers. they are satisfied playing the durn xbox and talking over headsets all night. speaking of which, he's on it right now! lucky me :)
Hmm, I guess i'm different. My DH doesnt really go out, but I wouldnt mind if he did. In fact, I am a part time server and after work Friday nights is always "my night". I get to stay out and hang out with my friends and he doesnt mind one bit. Thats even after he has been home all night with the kids while I was working.
I personally think that even once a week is too much for him to go out with his friends and leave you at home. You do have a right to be upset about it and the fact that it matters so much to you should matter to him. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but please do speak to him about it. Make sure he knows how serious it is and let him know that you need him to be willing to compromise. You're not asking him to not go out at all with his friends. Once or twice a month is fine :) Good luck, honey.
I honestly think his behavior is not the best. I would be very upset if my husband was doing this to me. You're right. Why does he feel the need to be out for so long? Have you talked to him about it lately? Do not accept his answer if it is 'All guys do it so it's normal'. No, not all guys do this and there is no way to define what normal is. So, I would talk to him very seriously about it and tell him how I feel. Have you tried that? What did he say?
I was hoping you would respond BH. I feel like I overreact when it comes to this kind of stuff because I hate being alone. I am always so excited to get home from work and hang out with him and it is like a knife through the heart to know that he was planning to go out while I was missing him.
I know my hormones are crazy right now but I still think I have reason to be mad. I mean he is almost 30 for God's sake, I feel like he needs to grow up. He takes care of me and Noah and helps out around the house so I know he does deserve some "guy time" but I don't get alone time, I am a mommy and a basically a wife and that's my life and I am fine with it, in fact, I love it. Why does he deserve all this special time away? Why does he want to be away so much?
I know my hormones are crazy right now but I still think I have reason to be mad. I mean he is almost 30 for God's sake, I feel like he needs to grow up. He takes care of me and Noah and helps out around the house so I know he does deserve some "guy time" but I don't get alone time, I am a mommy and a basically a wife and that's my life and I am fine with it, in fact, I love it. Why does he deserve all this special time away? Why does he want to be away so much?
Wow, that does seem like alot. I am curious to see how the men will respond to this question.
Mine does not go out without me when he is home. Since he has been working in Texas he goes out maybe once a month and that is like a "bonus" to his employees.. he will take them out for a couple of beers, shoot some pool, throw a little darts, maybe watch a game on TV, and then head back to the apartment... even then he is only out until 11 or 12.
Mine does not go out without me when he is home. Since he has been working in Texas he goes out maybe once a month and that is like a "bonus" to his employees.. he will take them out for a couple of beers, shoot some pool, throw a little darts, maybe watch a game on TV, and then head back to the apartment... even then he is only out until 11 or 12.
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