Should i punch his lights out?

[lovexo]

My GF has been diagnosed with BPD. Shes 18yo. We have been together for about 10months now and have just moved in together. She has her really bad spells, goes from loving me to utter rage and disgust of me in a flick of a switch. The first week of moving in together (last week) was really bad. She told me after we had moved in that she didn't like the feeling of being tied down and wanted to be free but didn't want to lose me..this went on for a few days where she did not talk to me about anything at all, just ignored me. A couple days ago she was drunk and confessed to me she had been txting this barman of our local hang out. They had organised to "get together" but she didn't go through with it. She used her "bad mood" last week as an excuse. I shrugged it off. Nothing happened. I gave her credit for telling me and i didn't want any drama so i left it at that.

When we go back to our local bar in the next couple days, i feel like i need to deal to this ******* guy...but if i do then i won't be able to show my face there anymore, and my gf and i really like it there.

The barman in question knows me, and he knows that we are together, i can't let him get away with this.

Don't know who to blame, her or him. Feel like i can't trust her anymore...ARRRRRRGGHHGHG!!!

Advice?

[lovexo]

Hi all, i really appreciate all your comments.

We had a real good talk last night, about her condition. I have decided to stay with her for now and learn as much as i can about bpd, so i can understand and support her. I won't be acting on the barman thing, i will be the bigger man and leave it, he's not worth my time, but my gf is worth my time and effort!!

Will post in BPD section for support.

Thanks

[imanaddict]

Oh and to answer your question about the guy at the bar...that is your girlfriend's doing and she is the one to blame. What he did isn't right either, but he isn't the one  in a relationship with you. If you feel you need to say something to him, do so, but in a mature way without hitting him. I hope everything works out for you and I hope you will listen to the good advice you have been given by everyone.

[imanaddict]

If this girl is hitting, biting, scratching, and mentally abusing you, it is YOU that needs protection, not her. Dude seriously, this chick has some serious issues that only a professional can help sort through. You will not be able to help or protect her unless she wants it and from what you have described, she doesn't. You seem like a really sweet guy and I'd hate for you to waste years of your life on someone who doesn't appreciate you and is a ticking time bomb.

If you decide to stay with her, stand your ground and make her have consequences to her actions. If you let her run all over you, she will....

[jo929]

I have worked with the mental and all i also have worked with and know personally people with BPD, and there are meds that control, and you are describing someone that reall puts it to their advantage why would you be responsible for her taking her life, she has tried it before and she will again when it suits her but the choice is yours to make have a good life or choose the other road   luck  jo also judy is right visit the Bipolar forum

[Judy246]

I also recommend that you visit the "Bipolar Forum" here at Medhelp and feel free to ask questions about the disorder, symptoms and they might be able to answer some of the questions you have on dealing with a person who has this disorder. Good luck

[iam1butterfly]

I can relate to your sense of protectiveness... it was the same with me and my BDP ex. Abandonment (or the perception of abandonment) is a major consideration when dealing with the borderline personality. Strange how they'll do everything to sabotage and ruin a relationship. But, in truth, they crave love and companionship... which was probably neglected or denied in their childhood.
Anyway, there are 3 extremely helpful books which I strongly recommend that you read: "I Hate You-Don't Leave Me," by Jerold J. Kreisman
"Stop Walking on Eggshells," by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger
and (if you ultimately decide to leave the relationship)...
"Breaking Free from Boomerang Love; Getting Unhooked from Abusive Borderline Relationships," by Lynn Melville.
Also, if you go on YouTube, listen to the commentaries of A.J. Mahari, she's a recovered Borderline who gives insightful and expert advice on coping with Borderline relationships.
Had I known during my relationship what I now know about BDP, I wouldn't have taken my ex's abrasive behavior so personally. Then, again... I doubt that anything really could have saved it. Take care!

[specialmom]

I think the old addage that you can't help someone unless they want to help themselves applies here.  If you fear for suicide---- call her parents, call the police and give them her number.  I'm totally serious.  You can't stop her if she is going to committ suicide.  She needs medical intervention and professional help.  Until you do that----  she is holding you hostage.  And there is a big chance that she is manipulating you in a very unkind and terrible way.  I had people I saw in therapy that had this situation.  My advice was the same to them as I have for you.  SHE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HER OWN ACTIONS.  No one causes another to committ suicide.  Her life does not hang in your hands-----  her life is in her own hands.  YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN LIFE.  There will come a point when you've had enough of this but you may not be there yet.  But I think I would consider some therapy at this point to figure out why you are allowing this situation in your life.  Am I cruel for saying to leave her?  No.  I am concerned for you.  Perhaps she will take care of business and see a psychiatrist (as she should have on day one of mentioning suicide to you), get properly regulated and mature a whole lot and come back to you later.  But by then I hope you are happily involved with a nice woman minus the drama.  Good luck.  And by the way-----  I am very sorry about your dad.  I'm sure you are grieving that loss and suicide leaves wounds that are very deep.  

[lovexo]

I don't want to have her take her life as she has tried numerous times - that would be on my conscience forever! Which is one of the big reasons i have stuck around this long.. I feel like i need to protect her, from herself..

She just txt me saying:

"I'm not home and im not gonna come home, give you time to think abour your ****, and sort your ****** self out"....

Don't know what to do :'(

[specialmom]

I agree with all of the above.  What are you doing?  Love really must be blind . . . but you gf is a mess.  Sorry . . . but that is how it sounds.  Do you really need such drama in your life?  (some people do and subconsiusly keep it around----- in which case you need to run to a therapist).  There really are women out there that have jobs, have level heads, don't fly off the handle, don't go from hot to cold in a second, don't blame others for their problems, don't torture their loved ones with their potential suicide or disappearce (especially when they know someone just had their father die in this way), etc.  Look for someone  you can count on.

Sorry, you probably don't want to hear that.  But you sound like a nice young man-----  save yourself from this kind of up and down life.  Good luck.

[lovexo]

Thanks for all your comments. I'm 23yo and my gf is 18.

(hope this is the right section to be posting in)

Shes been out of control for the past few months. It started as an eating disorder, which turned into BPD. Her rage gets out of control and many times she has verbally, physically and emotinally abused me. I'm talking about hitting, biting, scratching, spitting in my face, just to name a few. She's manipulative, possesive and always has to get her own way. I have been to therapy a few times with her at the start of our relationship, but that really just focused on the eating disorder side of things.

I am emotionally drained. My dad commited suicide a couple months ago which has ripped my family apart, and my gf has attempted the same many times. I'm just scared she will actually go through with it if we were to break up. I love her to bits, but i really can't stand anymore. I don't want to be walking on 'egg shells' anymore. I have given up so much for her, all my hobbies, my friends, family. I want all that stuff back. I feel myself falling down a dark hole, and being with her i see no way out, it will never be good like it was when we first met.

I went home for lunch today, she was very cold and blamed everything on me. She says i don't care enough and i think she is somewhat right, i just can't do it anymore, i feel myself falling into a depressive state and this is what she has turned me into.  I try to talk to her and she just shuts me out.

She told me she wouldn't be there when i got back from work today and that i will have no idea where she is. I am absolutley in love with her and don't want her to leave but on the other hand i hope she sticks to it this time, because i don't know how much more of the emotional rollercoaster i can take.

-lovexo

[iam1butterfly]

What you described about your girlfriend is quite typical of the Borderline Personality Disorder that your girlfriend  was diagnosed to have. One of the 10 criteria for the disorder is manifested in high risk, indiscriminate sexual activity. Having been involved with a BPD man, I can tell you that these individuals are extremely difficult to get along with. And, long term relationships with them are next to impossible. You could try to work things out with her (perhaps, see her through therapy) and have a talk with that barman. But, realize that what you see, now, as a "bad mood" will likely become darker, gloomier and more mean-spirited. And, what you sense as maybe being a "trust" issue is really far more complicated than what meets the eye.
So, I don't think that it's a question of "who to blame" or even a matter of "trust." Rather it's more of a question of... how much are you willing to tolerate and sacrifice in order to preserve this relationship?
From personal experience and from the experiences that other non-BPDs have shared with me, these relationships can become very toxic in an amazingly short period of time. There are, however, some helpful books and great support sites on the topic for both non-BPDs and BPDs alike. And, there's a very supportive BPD forum, here on MedHelp. I suggest that you learn as much as you can about the disorder before making any decisions or plans regarding your relationship. If you want more information or would like to discuss relationships with the BPD in more detail, please feel free to message me. Take care!

  

[jo929]

I agree with judy i could not have said it better, she is playing you for the fool, she may have problems, but she knows what she is doing, and it should not be drinking  luck  jo

[Judy246]

She's showing you her true colors and my question to you is, "is this type of woman you want to have an exclusive relationship with?". I don't think so. She has told you straight up that she's not ready for anything and is definately a high risk for infidelity and possibly bring home an STD.  You don't have to prove anything with this barman who I bet could give 2 sh**s about her. If not use her and dump her for the next girl. Also, she didn't confess, the liquor did. I say, run as fast as you can and don't look back. She's just not ready for anything, so don't waist your time and emotions on her and don't waist your time with barman either...they are both just not worth it You have self respect and  honor and you don't have to prove it to anyone and less for someone who if with the right opportunity would be unfaithful.  Re-evaluate this dysfunctional relationship. Surround yourself with good friends and family and run as fast as you can from this girl.  Good luck

Oh...bipolar is very treatable, but it might effect her "bar" enjoyment with drinking. Run and don't look back!