Mother-In-Law!

[Newbie93]

I'm 21 this year and 6 months pregnant. My partners parents are so unsupportive, yet I know that when the baby is here they will want to be involved! I'm not asking for money or assets. I just want someone to ask me how I feel and explain pregnancy to me. This is my first baby and I don't have my parents around, so I feel a little alone in it. My partner works as much as he can, and I also don't want to offend him. I know his mum has planned for the whole family to come down for Christmas day to meet the baby, but this will be my first Christmas with my child and seeing as none of them have been any support I don't want to feel bitter and cause any arguments?! Any advice? Anything would be helpful. I'm feeling stressed and unsupported and need someone to tell me I'm not crazy!
We're also trying to find somewhere appropriate to live and sort out some extra help i.e benefits.

[specialmom]

Oh THIS IS GOOD NEWS!!  I'm so happy for you.  First, the house and your own place will be fantastic!  Second that your mother in law let herself be vulnerable to you and you very vulnerable to her.  This is really wonderful and a great start to healing.  When you aren't living under the same roof, I think this will get MUCH better.  So, you go girl . . . you are on your way.

best wishes and stay in touch!

[Newbie93]

I completely agree.
I had a talk with my partner last night. I think maybe she feels I've taken her son away and she doesn't feel like she can be as involved as she wants to be.
My partner had a chat with her and asked her to apologise which she has done. I think maybe there is some common ground between us. I want her to be involved in a good and supportive way. She probably feels like she wants to be involved in a lot of ways but can't be. So, we spoke today and it said...

Partners Mum
Hiya I'm so sorry for the other night, can we put it behind us please xx

Me:

Of course Sarah, I love you Sarah and I need a mum in this. I think very highly of you and I want you to be completely involved. I think after moving out there was a bit of tension that wasn't spoken about and I'd like to forget it all. I feel like I don't have a woman to tell me what is normal and what isn't and I panic and worry probably a bit too much. I did get emotional/hormonal the other night but it was because I'm not used to women giving me an opinion or getting involved. To me, it's difficult to take advice from a parent when iv'e never had a parent to give it to me. My dad does his best, but the best he can do is give me a cuddle. He doesn't understand pregnancy or can give me advice on how I should be feeling. I just want you and your mum to know that all I ever want to do is make your son happy and I love him with every tiny part of me. He's been living in the clouds a little lately and has left getting a house up to me - I'm not criticising because he works very hard everyday and comes home and is a good boyfriend and a good dad. But I've had a lot of stress on my plate lately sorting a deposit and a place to live. We've been accepted now so all the stress has paid off. I'm sorry if it's cause a lot of agro, but I'm almost glad it did because I want a good relationship with you and James' Nanna. I want you to be able to hold my hand while I push out your Grandchild. I love you and James' dad and just need you to both be a little bit more involved. Maybe I could start coming over a bit more before I start work for a catch up.  Love you. x

That's what I replied. I feel now I've said it how it is and anything nasty that gets thrown back at me I don't deserve and have a right to not put up with it. I don't need the stress and will find out if my baby is a boy or a girl tomorrow. This should be an exciting time for everyone and at the moment it's gloomy and especially stressful for my partner.
I'm a bit worried that she might take the reply to an offense but I was honest and its genuinely how I'm feeling.
Maybe it will encourage her to open up a bit?

Either way, I feel better I've got it off my chest and been nice and dignified. I don't want an uneasy relationship with my in-laws because they don't want to know me! They don't get a choice I'm the mother of their grandchild and I'm making a stand!

Thanks for all your advice.

As for a house specialmom -  We've been accepted and can start house hunting now! So the worst is over and just need to sort it all out legally and hopefully will have somewhere to live before the babys born. We are currently living with my dad rent free to save money. So fingers crossed!

x

[Chima7]

If she pulls this same nonsense with you again, if I were you, what I'd look at her with a huge smile on my face and say, Wow, thanks, I hadn't thought of that!" And that's it. Don't say you'll think about it or that you'll do it, just say thanks for the suggestion, and leave it at that. When it comes to people like her, they want to get a rise out of you so they needle you until you explode at them. But if you respond in the most neutral way possible, it usually confuses them to the point where they're not sure what to do next. I've dealt with people like this. The more I smile at them and say, Hey thanks for your suggestion! The more it drives them crazy cause they have no idea how to respond.

[specialmom]

Oh goodness, sounds dreadful.  She sounds like a person I would not tolerate treating me that way.  Hon, instead of tears ---  look her in the eyes and say "Thank you for your concern.  I will assure you that I'm a grown woman and MY DOCTOR is giving me the best advice that I will follow.  There is no need for discussion on this topic but again thank  you for your concern.  Have a good night."  Then clean up your stuff and get out of the room.  If they continue to talk, you say "I said all I have to say.  thank you."  and then don't engage.  

You need to set boundaries.  They treat you like this because you for some reason have no power right now.  Honey, you have power.  You are about to be a mother and you need to dig deep to be like 'whatever' to the rest of the world, including a rude mother in law.

I would tell your partner that this is NOT working.  You two need to find your own place to set limits on his mother and father.  And this is not a compromise.  It needs to be a goal and accomplished by X (pick it) date.  You need this for your sanity as well as not letting the relationship get so bad between you and your mother in law that it can't ever be a nice one and it is also going to cause trouble between the two of you.  

She isn't going to be a sweet mother figure.  That is a not going to happen.  My mother in law wasn't either.  My own mom had passed away so that would have been nice but it wasn't to be.  

So, is this buy scheme a way to get out of the house??  

[Newbie93]

I work 4/5 nights a week, and have my own income. I've just found out we've been accepted for a help to buy scheme so fingers crossed. What I'm worried about is that we don't have any support from his family at all. For example -  I was working last night as the football was on it was very quiet in the pub, in came my partners mum and his nan. At first they we're just chatting with me and then I started to feel questioned. E.g. My partner popped home the other night to get a fan, I don't like to sleep cold and he does so that was our compromise.  I was then told I was 'controlling' and I don't know how to compromise. I felt very criticised so I excused myself for the bathroom, had a little cry and went back in. The next moment, I was sitting back on my stool with a kitkat and a glass of milk. They asked me why I was drinking milk, I said I'm suffering with leg cramps and heartburn and the midwife advised it. They disagreed saying I should be drinking tonic water before bed instead, I said the cramps are during the day too, and I'm sure its a calcium deficiency. They disagreed again, and said I need to stop being so selfish and start doing things for other people. (completely out of line) and this point I started to wash up and pre occupy myself so I didn't have to listen. I'll point out his nan asked his mum to stop at this point as it was obvious I was trying not to get upset. My partner was round the corner playing pool with some of the lads. He came round whilst I was washing up and asked if I was ok, in which point I couldn't hold it in anymore and rushed back to the bathroom in tears. He asked what was the matter with me, I then cried a lot more and went into the garden for some air. His mum stood behind the door and listened to what I had told my partner and had only repeated what had just been said in the pub. As I went back into the pub his mum started shouting at me asking what I had just said to James, being upset I ignored her and walked into the little private section between the toilets and the bar. My partner and his mum then had a massive argument and she was calling me a liar, and that we won't last and that I'm selfish and I can't listen to anyone. I then went back into the bar where his nan started again, asking me why I've involved James and why I'm upset. I explained that what she had said to me was hurtful, and seeing as I'm at work it wasn't appropriate to come into where I'm working and start criticising my relationship with James.  At which point his mum came back in again started shouting and I went straight back into the garden. A customer had come in by this point, asked if I was working and my partner had said I was upset in the garden and came out to me. (this happens to be my partners mums friend too) His mum then came out, shouting in my face denying she had a conversation with my partner at all, and didn't call me a liar. At that point I could see they were quite clearly drunk. I then said it's quite clear you have a problem with me, you've not shown any support the whole time we've been pregnant and now you come into where I work shouting at me, making me feel bad and upsetting me. Im not having this I'd like you to leave. In which point she wanted to know why she hasn't met my dad. I ignored it, and she called me a selfish ***** and stormed off. My boss then came downstairs and asked them to leave, I was then told off because I'd left the bar.  All in all, this is what I have to put up with. I don't know what to do about it, I feel it's because she feels I've taken her son away from her and possibly trapped him into having a baby. Which isn't the case at all, he wanted this baby more than me at the beginning! I now have all this stress to put up with I feel so upset about it, I can't talk to my partner about it as I don't want it to upset him. He stood up for me at the time and did whats right. I can't help but feel that it's going to be a relationship that's always on the edge and I'm absolutely gutted as I really wanted a mother influence and advice for this baby. But like the other girl said I'lll have to do it on my own. I just feel so upset about it, and don't really see a way of fixing it. Hence I have a serious mother in law problem!  His mum and dad are alcoholics and they wonder why I won't let them meet my dad..  

[specialmom]

Hi there. Couple of things---  is it possible for you to work?  That might take some of the financial burden away and it is good to stay active during pregnancy.  Something to think about?  Will you need to work after the baby is born maybe at the 6 month mark?  it's hard.  I know that many would like to be stay at home parents but for some that is not realistic.  So, that is something to think about.  I do stay at home with my kids but I had my children after I was established in a career and had some assets set aside and my husband's career can afford for me to stay home.  But, we sacrifice many things to do it for sure!  It's great when you can do it but again, in today's world we need to think long term and while assistance is awesome to help us, it's a temporary solution.  Take on line classes or something like that if working isn't an option so that when you do have to go back to work, you're in a better position.  

Anyway, you aren't crazy.  I think there is often bad feelings between a woman and her in laws.  It can be hard to mesh what you want/need and what they are used to.  Do you ever call his mom to ask her questions?  She might like that and it might bridge the way for you two to have the relationship you want.  If YOU initiate it.  

I wouldn't make any decisions about Christmas.  That is a long way off.  See how you feel then.  

Hang in there.  Hormones rage and first time moms have lots that they are thinking about.  Think big picture in all decisions.  good luck dear

[bajramsha]

I got pregnant at16. N I was so happy dont talk to my parents
I live with my bf n my mother in law she was happy of course they was happy but she dose help example holding
him but the best answer I can give I took care of my son by myself. Nobody can take care of ur baby better then the mom trust me n this is my first child n now he is 4 months old on July 11 so now aim 17 so I know tht I rush I did went threw a lot but at least I'm happy for my son n don't worry I was scared to first child ever thing would be great example pushing dont worried I was afraid to but he got out Lol I told my parents of course they
yelled but then they got over it n said congratulations I said
thanks good luck hon