Aa
My Best Friend..?
I've been best friends with this person for 9 years. A lot has gone on since we became so close, but lately things have decided to take a turn for the worst. I will call him F when explaining things..now, F does not like my lover whatsoever, we have been together for 5 years and F has never liked him. My love had come to see me recently (he lives in California) and ever since F has been treating me worse than usual. F is a very conceited, flamboyant and humorous type of person. He does not like people when he first meets them and is always talking about how he hates people..(apparently) I am one of his important people, besides his family I am one of those he would need in his life.
Also, with F he is ALWAYS RIGHT. I am ALWAYS 110% WRONG. even when I know I'm right, I'm wrong.
He is very bitchy (excuse my language) as well, and very moody. He is hypocritical but is the type that doesn't see that. And when you call him out on it he get upset with you. I don't want to sit here and complain, but I need you all to understand how frustrating he is becoming to me.
I love F. I do..and I can't not be friends with him because then my life wouldn't be a very happy one..in more ways than one.
But how can I call him my best friend when I can't talk to him about things, we aren't getting along whatsoever lately (just bits at a time), he treats me like I'm stupid 24/7, just....augh..I really don't know what to do.
To sit here and list everything that is good and bad would take hours and I'm not sure you would read it all....this is just..really hard.....and I need just some advice..
Talking to him about this..I don't know I it'd work..he probably just get mad with me.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this and perhaps help me..(:
Also, with F he is ALWAYS RIGHT. I am ALWAYS 110% WRONG. even when I know I'm right, I'm wrong.
He is very bitchy (excuse my language) as well, and very moody. He is hypocritical but is the type that doesn't see that. And when you call him out on it he get upset with you. I don't want to sit here and complain, but I need you all to understand how frustrating he is becoming to me.
I love F. I do..and I can't not be friends with him because then my life wouldn't be a very happy one..in more ways than one.
But how can I call him my best friend when I can't talk to him about things, we aren't getting along whatsoever lately (just bits at a time), he treats me like I'm stupid 24/7, just....augh..I really don't know what to do.
To sit here and list everything that is good and bad would take hours and I'm not sure you would read it all....this is just..really hard.....and I need just some advice..
Talking to him about this..I don't know I it'd work..he probably just get mad with me.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this and perhaps help me..(:
From reading your above post, I'd say that "F' is a bit jealous of the relationship you have with your lover. Your lover comes to visit and all of a sudden "F" is second fiddle. Furthermore, it sounds as if "F" has enough drama to write a reality t.v. show on. "F" sounds very self centered and friendships are supposed to run both directions. With any relationship, there has to be give and take and if "F" is always right, he is there for the taking and not the giving.
If "F" truly is your best friend, it is more than the right time to have a nice little sit down conversation in which "F" will sit and listen to everything you have to say, without comment. "F" should be asked to take a good look at the information you provided on the perception of the relationship, and take a good look at himself. He should then be willing to make some compromises, if not he just really isn't that big or great of a friend.
My wife and I had this great friend. "O" was very educated, in fact is a psychologist. She loved our kids, did things with the entire family, spent the holidays with us and really just a real good person. (She had no real family of her own, so we kind of adopted each other.) "O" had a few problems, but we gladly accepted her for her, knowing that we too had our own issues.
Time goes on and my mother in law's health begins to deteriorate from a not so good start anyhow, and my mother's health was a bit wishy-washy as well. "O" would call at all hours of the night and early morning, waking up the entire house to cry and complain about another barroom romance gone bad, or that some of her other friends had abandoned her somewhere. (O has a problem with alcohol and drama, she can't get or manufacture enough of either.)
My mother in laws health deteriorates even further. O knew this and was there to comfort my wife. At the same time, she would continue to call at all hours of the night with the same old story... another boyfriend dumper her etc. It got to the point where this was affecting the entire families sleep patterns, health, and sanity honestly. My wife would complain about it but didn't have the heart to tell "O" that she had to knock off all of the late night calls...because she had nobody else to call.
Being the diplomat I am, I wrote a very nice letter explaining that every time the phone rings at odd hours of the night and early morning, (we had prepared ourselves for the dreaded call that my mother in law had passed away) we assumed that it was the hospital or living center telling us the worst.... but instead it was her calling with the same old problems. I went on to say that she had been given sound advice, numerous times as to what to do to resolve some of her issues, and pointed out that there was a reluctance to follow the advice given. I went on to tell "O" that we did love her, but that the late night calls just had to quit, and then I listed all of the reasons why.
A few days goes by, perhaps a week or two and it is "O's" birthday party. I had to work, but as usual my wife attended. As per usual, O had more than enough to drink. Some of her friends were rather embarrassed and were leaving, and the others were trying to calm her down or otherwise enabling her and allowing her to make a drunken fool of herself. Out of nowhere, in a crowded trendy eatery, O blurts out.... "I wish your husband were dead! He's a fuc**** a$$hole, and a fuc**** drama queen!)
That more or less ended the friendship. As is typical with most people with problems with alcohol or other dependancy, their problems are "caused by someone else". It's really unfortunate and I've asked my wife to try to repair the relationship, for her sake. My wife says that what O said is unforgivable.... I disagree as I know where O is coming from. O had a problem or two that she does not want to address. Until then, she will blame me or anyone else who points out these problems for being the problem. I am fine with that, it's just a shame that a psychologist cannot figure this out on her own.
So, with all of that said.... your conversation might do to your relationship with "F" as mine did with "O". It's unfortunate, but friendships have to run both ways, and real friends have the cajones to say the tuff stuff, and real friends have the cajones to listen to the tuff stuff, then address it. If not, the relationship isn't as you thought it was.
Yeah, it stinks when it turns out that way. You have a lot invested in that relationship. But if there is no benefit to you and it is all about the other person, you are kind of allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, and that's not good either.
I wish you luck in which ever way you decide to handle this, but you have to do something for your own good.
If "F" truly is your best friend, it is more than the right time to have a nice little sit down conversation in which "F" will sit and listen to everything you have to say, without comment. "F" should be asked to take a good look at the information you provided on the perception of the relationship, and take a good look at himself. He should then be willing to make some compromises, if not he just really isn't that big or great of a friend.
My wife and I had this great friend. "O" was very educated, in fact is a psychologist. She loved our kids, did things with the entire family, spent the holidays with us and really just a real good person. (She had no real family of her own, so we kind of adopted each other.) "O" had a few problems, but we gladly accepted her for her, knowing that we too had our own issues.
Time goes on and my mother in law's health begins to deteriorate from a not so good start anyhow, and my mother's health was a bit wishy-washy as well. "O" would call at all hours of the night and early morning, waking up the entire house to cry and complain about another barroom romance gone bad, or that some of her other friends had abandoned her somewhere. (O has a problem with alcohol and drama, she can't get or manufacture enough of either.)
My mother in laws health deteriorates even further. O knew this and was there to comfort my wife. At the same time, she would continue to call at all hours of the night with the same old story... another boyfriend dumper her etc. It got to the point where this was affecting the entire families sleep patterns, health, and sanity honestly. My wife would complain about it but didn't have the heart to tell "O" that she had to knock off all of the late night calls...because she had nobody else to call.
Being the diplomat I am, I wrote a very nice letter explaining that every time the phone rings at odd hours of the night and early morning, (we had prepared ourselves for the dreaded call that my mother in law had passed away) we assumed that it was the hospital or living center telling us the worst.... but instead it was her calling with the same old problems. I went on to say that she had been given sound advice, numerous times as to what to do to resolve some of her issues, and pointed out that there was a reluctance to follow the advice given. I went on to tell "O" that we did love her, but that the late night calls just had to quit, and then I listed all of the reasons why.
A few days goes by, perhaps a week or two and it is "O's" birthday party. I had to work, but as usual my wife attended. As per usual, O had more than enough to drink. Some of her friends were rather embarrassed and were leaving, and the others were trying to calm her down or otherwise enabling her and allowing her to make a drunken fool of herself. Out of nowhere, in a crowded trendy eatery, O blurts out.... "I wish your husband were dead! He's a fuc**** a$$hole, and a fuc**** drama queen!)
That more or less ended the friendship. As is typical with most people with problems with alcohol or other dependancy, their problems are "caused by someone else". It's really unfortunate and I've asked my wife to try to repair the relationship, for her sake. My wife says that what O said is unforgivable.... I disagree as I know where O is coming from. O had a problem or two that she does not want to address. Until then, she will blame me or anyone else who points out these problems for being the problem. I am fine with that, it's just a shame that a psychologist cannot figure this out on her own.
So, with all of that said.... your conversation might do to your relationship with "F" as mine did with "O". It's unfortunate, but friendships have to run both ways, and real friends have the cajones to say the tuff stuff, and real friends have the cajones to listen to the tuff stuff, then address it. If not, the relationship isn't as you thought it was.
Yeah, it stinks when it turns out that way. You have a lot invested in that relationship. But if there is no benefit to you and it is all about the other person, you are kind of allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, and that's not good either.
I wish you luck in which ever way you decide to handle this, but you have to do something for your own good.
If he's your best friend then you should be able to talk to him about anything including his behavior. Maybe he doesn't realize how awful he's being or maybe something happened that he hasn't been able to talk to you about. I don't see how you can say your his bf but you say awful things about him and instead of talking to him about what is bothering you and giving him a chance to explain and just being a friend your going to cut him completely out of your life and you don't even want to be bothered to explain why to him after all these years of friendship because it might get messy? Are you sure your not the one who has changed?If you have outgrown the friendship just be honest it happens and i'm sure he doesn't want to be friends with someone who no longer values him as a person or friend and honestly thats what it sounds like to me yeah it might take hours to explain all the good and bad but you had nothing but good things to say about your boyfriend and he was in two sentences and you couldn't find one good thing to say about your best friend in the whole rant? You said you love him but it was a after thought you said your important to him that he needs you in his life you see where this is going?You didn't say anything like that about him in fact you went out of your way to say how you no longer want or need him if your life. Everybody gets on each other nerves sometimes but it just sounds like you plain don't like him not that he's been a little annoying lately and honestly it sounds like it has a lot with him not liking you boyfriend more than anything else. Did you boyfriend not want you to be friends with him anymore?Its very interesting that his sudden more horrible than usual behavior and you not wanting to be friends anymore all happened after the boyfriends visit.Sounds like he is exactly the same as he has always been but now it bothers you. You said yourself he is this way he is that way meaning he has always been this way he didn't just start acting like that it might be worse but its not new so you accepted it before. Either way even if i'm completely wrong and he's the most annoying person in the world then you still owe him to him to explain write him a letter if you don't want to do it face to face but he was important to you for years you say you love him he deserves to know why the friendship is ending .You are not his best friend anymore for whatever reason and he is not yours write the letter or talk to him its time for both of you to move on to people who are better suited for you now.
* Talking to him about this..I don't know if it'd work..he'd probably just get mad with me.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
