My adult son hates me!

[mlou440]

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou

[marymuff]

I sure could use that web site...I seem to be having a problem posting this...I'll try again.  Yes, the pain of my adult kids is literally destroying me.

[availablescrname]

I have the same situation as many of you.  Four grown sons who offer me little support or consideration.  I refuse to do a guilt trip or grovel.  I agree that the best course may be to distance myself and  build my own satisfactory relationships.

[Mindy006]

Hi

Availablescrname, I also have 4 grown sons who sound like yours.   I can ignore 3 of them and not let them bother me.   However, the 4th one and his 2 children live with us.   The mom walked out when the children were very young.   They are now 7 and 6.   I get along with them and we are very close.   I even homeschool them.   My son seems to resent this closeness that we have and he gets very nasty with me at times.   I'm not really sure how to deal with this.   I do not want to lose my grandchildren when they eventually move out.   It's pretty tough.   I've gotten past the other 3 and I just pray that I never need to depend on any of them.

[lyn716]

To those of you who are still giving money to your adult kids and/or allowing your adult kids to still live with you while they continue to treat you with disrespect.....tell them the well has gone dry and they will have to move and become a real adult.  Then take their bed down and do not allow them to ever live with you again.  Absolutely no one deserves to be treated with such disrespect.  If they take your grandkids from you, so be it, take their a$$ to court, there is a law it is called "Grandparents rights"  The can NOT legally take the kids from you, you have the right to see and be with your grandkids.now this varies from state to state, in some cases you can get custody of them, so read up on it, in your state.  Read this http://www.enotes.com/everyday-law-encyclopedia/grandparents-rights
but whatever you do, please do NOT allow anyone to treat you with disrespect, especially your own kid.

[annm777]

Just wondering how you folks are doing? I have a similiar story to tell, hence I can sympathise with you. :(

[Cyndilu]

I am a single Mom going what you have gone thru....my heart is broken...If you are interested I would like to tell you my story and learn how yours has turned out a couple years later..... Thank you