My boyfriend's son is ruining our relationship

[hashadit]

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and we have been living together for about 9 months. My boyfriend has a 10 year old son of whom he has 50% custody every other week. I have tried everything to be nice to this child, but nothing is ever good enough. The son lives with my boyfriend's parents, and always has. My boyfriend had never had the responsibility of being a parent full time---only when its convenient for him. I recently purchased a home in my name (my boyfriend has horrible credit) in the town that his son lives in. The plan was for the son to start staying with us more often, instead of the grandparents, but so far he hasn't stayed one night because I always make up excuses such as being sick so that he won't come over. My boyfriend REFUSES to discipline him. He allows him to do things that drive me CRAZY. The child is 10 and acts like he is 4 or 5. I honestly think he may have ADHD, but my boyfriend becomes so angry with me when I bring it up, that I've just started keeping my feelings to myself. The child rolls around on the floor, jumps on the couch, eats and wipes his dirty hands all over the wall. He constantly goes in and out, in and out, leaving the door open. He becomes bored with whatever he is doing after 5 minutes and is constant need of being entertained. The list of annoying things is neverending. I've told my boyfriend how nervous this behavior makes me and his response is "thats just the way he is". The child has no respect for adults and is very rude to me. My boyfriend laughs everytime this happens. He recently told me that his son is #1 in his life and that I will always come second. I don't think I will ever get over this. He lets the son do as he pleases, and expects me to just deal with it instead of compromising and meeting in the middle. Should I end this before I invest anymore into this relationship?

[specialmom]

My opinion.  Go ahead and do something else for the summer.  You shouldn't really give too many opinions on this subject.  It is already a mess as it is.  From the beginning as he is the father to a boy that he rarely sees.  They will have issues just because of that.  And rightly so.  If I had a child that lived states away--------  you bet I'd move closer so I could be involved in his life.  Your boyfriend has missed the majority of his son's childhood.  I hate to put it like that, but in essence, that is the truth.  If I were you--------  if you do make a comment.  You ask this boyfriend to be the best father he can.  That he needs to try to communicate better with the boy's mother.  That he tries to make more of an effort. That he goes and gets a hotel room where this boy is at and attends something like one of his ball games or boy scout camp outs.  

If you feel you can not do that, then I really think it is best that you go ahead and move on.  This will be a long road and the RIGHT thing is for this Dad and son to have every opportunity to mend their relationship.  Darn right this boy is mad at his dad.  He is young yet and doesn't understand all of the things that adults do . . . money, difficult relationship with an ex, time constraints, etc.  He just has seen that his dad is far away from him.  You don't know the whole story for why the abuse allegation came out and perhaps his mother pestered him into it or he said one thing and it snow balled from there and he didn't know what else to do.  

So, I'd have dad talk to the boy's mother and try to sort out the abuse allegation.  I'd have him contact a lawyer if he has to.  I'd not hold any grudges or animosity in your heart towards this boy.  He is his son with a right to be ticked off.  And that he has adhd--------  he needed his dad even more.  

Good luck

[Lost_in_Love]

He was founded guilty of child abuse. I apologize about the technical term "child abuse registry" I guess I just assumed there was one. But anyway, he has spoken to a lawyer, and his son's mother said she would pay for the lawyer since it was partially her fault. She also testified against my boyfriend in the papers. No one has gone to court. We just received the documentation of what was said by his son and his son's mother. Well, she was supposed to pay this two months ago, but decided to buy a flat screen TV. Or at least that is what my boyfriend's son told him. I told my boyfriend that I didn't think he should discuss the monetary issue with his son, as we start to enter the blame game on why it's taking so long. But what it just boils down to is his son is the one who said it. His son is the one who went through with all the lies, and made people believe him. And then, when he's not mad at his dad anymore, he decides to tell the truth. So they go to the lawyer etc... Well, because his son's mother didn't pay the lawyer, the appeal hasn't been sent yet. So now, my boyfriend has to come up with the money to pay it because time is running out. A couple weeks ago, we received a phone call from his son's mother, and she said that his son didn't want to see him anymore because he can only hang out with his dad for a couple hours. But he should know it's his fault that he can't come spend the night - not his dad's. And then, my boyfriend feels bad about that and it causes conflict between us. I just feel like this whole thing is such a huge mess. And I have no say or influence in any of it. I'm the one that just gets to deal with all the emotion. I don't know what to do. I'm on the verge of giving up. It is so stressful. My boyfriend thinks that when the legality issues are taken care of, that his son can just start spending the night again. Well, now that they are moving to town, and his son's mom does/says anything she can to leave him with my boyfriend, that it will be an all the time thing. I just need help. I don't know what else to do.

[RockRose]

First,  I think you need to deal with the legal issues.  Your boyfriend needs to get a lawyer and needs to formally respond to DHS's statements.  It doesn't sound like he's gone to court - and I've never heard of a "registered child abuser".  What is that?  There's registered sex offender,  but that comes about in a court  case,  with a finding of guilt.

Has he responded in any way to the allegations with DHS?

[Lost_in_Love]

I am currently experiencing a similar situation, except there problems are a little more severe than this. My boyfriend is 29 and has an 11 year old son. I am only 21, and have no children. His son has always lived hours away, so my boyfriend doesn't see him too often - maybe once a month... but it used to be more frequent. Last summer my boyfriend had his son the whole summer. They had a blast! He took him fishing, swimming, and even to the go-cart tracks. At the end of the summer when it was time for his mother to pick him up, he didn't want to leave. She literally had to pull him off of my boyfriend. So time passes, and we haven't heard from them... All of a sudden in October my boyfriend starts getting strange phone calls from DHS? Asking him to contact them ASAP. So, my boyfriend called them a couple times and left messages, but no one returned his calls. Eventually, about a month or so later, we received a big envelope with Child Abuse papers in it. Apparently his son told his mother that my boyfriend beat him that summer. My boyfriend was shocked, and so hurt. I felt so sorry for him. Why would his son do this? Well, we didn't see them again for a while, until Christmas rolled around. Then, we picked up his son from his mom's boyfriend's apartment. He got to come to Christmas and open presents and get love and attention from the family. I mean, that is okay because it IS Christmas... but that is the first time they had spoken or seen each other since this dilemma took place. I felt like he had no punishment for such a serious lie! My boyfriend is now a registered child abuser because of this child's lie. My boyfriend asked his son, why? Why would you tell such a lie? His son's response? He was mad. He was just mad at his father. Well, to make a long story short. Every time we are going to spend time with his son, it causes a huge argument. Partially because I can't believe my boyfriend has already forgiven his son, and partially because I fear for my own well-being. His son has ADHD, and has already written suicide notes. Last summer we found a stash of lighters, which scared me. And I work at a school, so if he one day decides he's mad at me, I would lose my job. I can't take the chance, but I do love my boyfriend so dearly. And there is no way that we can get around this issue. It is his son. I would never ask him to choose between his son and myself. And I respect him a lot for having so much faith in his son, but I don't have that faith in him. I don't have that unconditional love they possess. And I'm having a very tough time letting this go. Finally, to top everything off, they are now moving to our town. So I can already see that this will become a more frequent issue. I don't know what to do. Do I stay or do I go?

[Ortarx]

Really and honestly in my oppinion you care about the kid, and you care about your boyfriend.  The thing is the kid is unstable and the boyfriend is not man enough to deal with what he sired.  Your going to have to raise both it sounds like if you stay in this relationship.  If you want to take on that responsibility that is your choice, if it were me I would say your sol boyfriend you cant handle your son and I am not going to raise both.  Does your boyfriend do anything around the house or does he sit and chill and act like a kid when it comes to responsibility in general? Look at the situation as a 3rd party the best you can then decide.

[momagain59]

I agree