My mother... Help

[Lemonzest]

Hey all.i think I need so e guidance.
My mam is so angry. She hates everyone. She is critical of everything. She sees the good in nothing. She doesn't like any of my friends, in laws, criticising then all ...To me... Who can only listen and nod. Unjustly critical. It's really getting too much.
She rants to me bout my lovely dad. My granny who passed away recently (his mam) . My friend s talk bout their moms and I feel warmth and love. I wish mine was more like that.

Her own mam died also this yr abd things are heightened.she doesn't get along with any of her siblings. Doesn't like any of them. Doesn't like my dad's family either. Was working but got so stressed. Fell out with some people. Injustices at work. Not fair .

When she meets people she tends to rant about injustices. I also think she has an OCD thing going on.buying things,refunding things.
Very negative.

She is however loyal to me and my siblings and my kids.she d do anything for them. Except babysit. Lol but she is good with them. We are all very loyal to her. Face value we prob look like a very close family. We kinda really are in a way!

She s also reclusive.she s fallen out with few friends she had.

Has she some kind of disorder? I'm scouring the internet but nothing seems to 'fit'.

Tbh I can cope with this but worried bout my dad really.

Help!!

[specialmom]

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulty.  Couple of things--  that your mom lost her mother this year to me is a significant point.  She is grieving which can bring out the worst in people.  Honestly, you don't write of anything that rings of bipolar to me which is states of mania and then bouts of deep depression often to the level of suicidal.  There is atypical bipolar but am not thinking that this will be a direction she goes in if she has her mental health assessed by a professional.  People with bipolar are very dysfunctional and while your mom has some very negative and annoying tendencies, I am going to guess a diagnosis of severe mental health issues is doubtful.

Not everyone's personality quirks are a mental health diagnosis.  Deeply depressed people can not function.  However, I would guess that she does suffer depression/anxiety on a moderate level.  She is angry and that is why she is lashing out with words about your dad, his mother, other people.  It's an outlet most likely.  What is going on in her life or has gone on to make her bitter/angry?  Anger is often a symptom of generalized anxiety disorder as is aggressiveness----  you see it less in women than you do in men but it happens.  She seems to also lack social skills and not real interested in the people she isn't close to.

What I think you should do---  is tell her how much you love her. And then lovingly set a boundary.  Tell her that you want to be here for her but it is hard to listen to the rantings about people that you care about.  That you feel the best thing for her to do is to see a therapist to discuss her inner feelings on things and get to the bottom of why she is angry with these people.  

Being critical is often a sign of low self esteem or mistreatment by someone else that you valued you made you feel worthless. She sounds like she has definite things to explore with a therapist and you can frame this whole conversation in the light of wanting her to be HAPPIER.  That you want her to enjoy the kids, enjoy life, etc.  Be a happier person.  

My son asked me, not long ago and I wrote about it here on the forum, if I'd choose anger or sadness to never have again.  I chose sadness because I've had unbearable (so it felt, but I guess I did make it through, didn't I?) pain.  I would guess your mom's anger/criticizing, negativity is about pain---  anger is easier to show.  My son chose sadness because he felt anger is a worthless emotion, energy stealing and sadness is how we grow as people.  He might be onto something.  So encourage your mom to explore what is causing her negative feelings toward the world.  good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

You might check out Borderline Personality Disorder, it doesn't fit totally but seems like she has some of the signals.  

https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.borderline.html

I especially like where they say to contact a mental-health professional.  You could get good advice from someone familiar with behavior like your mom is displaying, both regarding what to do with her and also regarding how to keep from being her scratching post.

[Nighthawk61]

First things first, you can do more than listen and nod. You've in a very short post, spoken from your heart. Have you ever sat down and told your mom that you love and respect her for her loyalty to you and the kids? But, you are always finding yourself upset with her criticizing the people that you hold dear? It sounds like your mother has a definite problem with boundaries and draws you into thinking that in order to "love" your mother you have to support her by listening to her negative rants about the people that you love. So your mother has problems with boundaries and is making it so that you also have problems with demanding your own boundaries. This is typical of co dependence. I think you may need to talk to a therapist about how to set your own boundaries with your mother, while still having her in your life.

You need to be able to sit down and be honest with her about how uncomfortable it makes you that she is so critical of the ones you love. You want her in your life, but not at the expense of you having to act like a child and simply sit and nod while she rips your sense of peace apart.

You can be loyal to your mother, and also be loyal to the ones you love. It might be hard for your mother to hear that her actions are causing you pain, but until you do, nothing changes if nothing changes.

My son tells me if i do or say something that bothers him. I have learned to be objective and see his point of view, which sometimes i don't agree with. But we talk and we are able to see each others points of views. This is unlike how my family raised me. No one was ever able to say anything. There was a "no talk" rule and it was unhealthy and co dependent. It sounds like the dynamic you have had with your mother. Operative word, had. You can change this. As an healthy adult with children, not only is it your right to demand that your mother respects your feelings, but it really is a requirement of you as a mother that you put a stop to allowing your mother to spew her poison about the rest of the family in front of your children. If you think that kids don't catch on , they do. Why not save them from the same uncomfortable feelings that you are having, and ask your mother to work on your relationship. She may have no idea how you feel. She may think that you are just not that deep or that you are exactly like her.

This has gone on for years no doubt. It might help you a great deal to sit down and talk it out with a psychologist (coach) and have them help you to broach the subject of your mother knowing that she can no longer bring her brand of negativity into your life.

I'm so glad that you've posted here, especially as you are a mother and need to teach your children the right way to behave. Your mother's example is a poor one. She needs to find another way of communicating and realize that , while there may be no boundaries in her marriage to your dad, there are healthy boundaries with her daughter and her grandchildren.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Never a discouraging word. These are your rights in your relationships as an adult. It will be difficult at first after being brainwashed that there is only one way to act with your mom (listen and nod) but you can do  this!!!

I'm here if you ever need to talk via message. Good luck. Liz