My son hates me

[pangur2]

My adult son treats me with a total lack of respect and at times is verbally abusive.  I was a single mother who did the absolute best job I could raising him and my daughter.  Nothing I did was ever good enough for him.  He always wanted the best of everything even if his sister and I had to do without in order for him to have the best.  He compared our homes and possessions with the homes and possessions of his friends from wealthy families and seemed to look down on me for not being able to supply the kind of life his friends had.
He lives in a neighboring town and rarely comes to visit me even though he is frequently in close proximity to my home.  When I ask him why he doesn't visit me, he replies by saying I don't visit him.  I am 60, and recovering from a major accident and cannot walk unassisted, nor can I drive.  I have not been able to leave home without help for almost a year now.  He is young healthy and is often in my neighborhood.
Recently on the phone he was unbelievably angry, verbally abusive, using the "f" word frequently, accusing me of being manipulative, of trying to come between him and his wife, and various other untrue and absolutely absurd things.  I replied that I could not and would not put up with that kind of verbal abuse and that I think that we need family counselling if we are to have any kind of healthy family relationship.
I have heard nothing from him since.  I cannot handle being so disrespected by my son, I cannot bear to be treated that way in front of my grandson, my daughter or any member of the family.  I am broken hearted that I haven'[t been able to see my grandson since his birth.  I'm heartbroken that my son seems to hate me so much.  What should I do?   One side of me wants to run to his house to visit my grandchild, the other side of me wants to step back and wait until he can show some respect for his mother.  Which should I do, get someone to take me to their house so I can meet and begin a relationship with my grandchild.  Or wait and hope my son starts to show some respect?
lady lonely

[specialmom]

I have a little different point of view.  Judy, I too lost my mother and it is the biggest sorrow of my life.  I feel that loss every single day and can't understand how someone with their mother still living who wants to be close to them would choose to turn their back on it.  

But I'm sure that this kind lady whether angry, hurt, resentful or whatever would like to be close to her son and his family.  I had a situation with a close family member in which they really hurt me and they were quite mean and  I didn't know why.  At first I just ignored them, turned my back on them and had angry thoughts torwards them.  Then I realized that the relationship mattered to me.  What I did was always take the high road.  I chose to control my feelings about it and to not be angry but a detective instead to find out what was the real issue.  So my advice would be to call her son and calmly ask him why he seems so angry with her.  Not in a defensive and judgemental way.  He may not have a good answer at first but it will start him thinking about it.  And I would pepper the conversations that I'm not manipulating you, that I LOVE you.  I'd like to get along.  I would ask your daughter to drive you to their home if the relationship mends enough to do so.  Some relationships are one sided, I'm sorry to say.  But when they are important to us, they are worth it.  And by the way, my troubled relationship did mend itself.  I am very close to that person again.  Not because I ever fully understood what the problem was either.  I think I was available for the relationship and made the effort in the bad times.  I am very glad I did.  

One other note,  often when someone blows like that it has not that much to do with the person they blow to.  Your son may have pressure from his wife, pressure from work, who knows.  Many woman have an issue with mother in laws that has nothing to do with anything a mother in law has done (competition is a big thing, unbelievably) and I hope that isn't the case here.  It just may be more complicated from his side than he is presenting is all I am saying.

Of course, no son should cuss out his mother.  And at some point he will think back on that and feel bad (I hope)----  but being right sometimes does not end in our being happy.  This is all just my opinion only, of course.  Good luck!!

[Judy246]

I am not saying, to not have her grandchildren and daughter in law in her life, but for her son to treat his mother who sacraficed her life for him and for him to turn around and call her names, treat her condosending, speak to her using the "f" word is unexceptable and he crossed the line and this is called tuff love, but he can not treat his mother with dignity and respect he should not be welcomed in her home. It's tough love! Of course she needs to have a relationship with her daughter in law and children, but unless her son apologizes to her an treats her like what she is his mother, he's behavior is not to be tolorated, until he apologizes to her. That's tough love and he will get the message. Her son has brought this upon himself and how much can she tolorate having him call her names. Unexceptable. I agree to disagree also :) Judy

[Ashelen]

I of course I agree with you about her being respected Judy, but grandkids are only young once. She's running on a time-clock and she feels a need to be with her grandson, and she has every right to. Unfortunately she needs his lack of ill will, if not good will, to see her grandson and antagonizing him will not accomplish this. Working with her daughter-in-law and not against her son is her best bet...I really hope things work out because I know how very much my parents love their granddaughter and how heartbroken they would be not to be a part of her life. <3

[Judy246]

I am a person who's mother died passed away and I would give my very life to have her with me and I think your son's behavior is unexceptable. I belive in the commandment "
Ephesians 6, verses 1-3, "Children obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honor thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) that it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth". The key words are "honor" and "obey". There is no time limit on this. God does not free a child from this responsibility simply because he has now gone to college or is married.  

Never permit any of your children to ever disrespect you or treat you less than you deserve to be treated and spoken to. Do not call him and if he ever treats you that way you tell him that "he", not the children or wife, will  not be welcomed until he apologizes to you and demand respect or he is not welcome in your home.

I'm sure within time he will realize what he has done, but remember, DO NOT call him and he owes you an apology. One day, he will remember everything he did you and there will be no tears in his lifetime that will comfort his bad behavior. As I said, I would give my life, if only to hug, kiss or see my mom again. Judy

[AnxiousGurl]

I'm wondering the same as Ashelen. Have you had any contact with the daughter in law. Where is his father? Is his father in his life at all? He is obviously angry, but has he always been this way? I'm sorry your going through this. That's pretty bad that he's in town and won't stop in to see you. What about your daughter, is she close with you. Have you asked her why she thinks he might be so disrespectful. I think it's important you get to the bottom of this so you can atleast have a relationship with your grandson.
Best wishes.

[Ashelen]

I'm so sorry you're getting treated like this.....is there any way you can contact your daughter-in-law about bringing your grandbaby to come see you, or picking you up so you can come there and visit? You need/deserve to be a part of your grandson's life, and your son may take too long to grow up and start respecting you, so I wouldn't wait for that to happen before you see your grandson. I would just swallow my pride if I were you so you could spend time with your grandson, just do it when your son is not around so you do not have to put up with his abuse. He may get angry and feel like you're going behind his back, but what choice has he left you? I hope things work out...<3 Best wishes and prayers.