Hi, new here. Sorry if this is long, but I really need advice.Please don't judge- I have enough guilt on my own!
I started my relationship with my boyfriend 5 years ago, while I was married to someone else. I left my ex-husband after one month into the affair to be with my BF (who promised marriage & of course was the "perfect" guy- something my ex was not). We moved in together immediately, and have been living together ever since. In 2009, BF paid for me to have tubiligation reversed so we could have children (my oldest are now 17 & 14)- again, promising marriage. Now, 4 years later and 2 precious babies, we are still not married! He never says "I love you" unless I practically beg him to. He is so hurtful- every time we argue, he calls me a worthless *****, he has hit me twice (breaking my left hand ring finger) and pulled me through the kitchen by my hair! About every other month, he kicks me and the kids out - we live in his house- but after a few hours (sometimes over night) he expects me home and acts like nothing ever happened. I have hurt so many people with this relationship- I am practically alienated from my family because of it (he is not welcome to come around my family at all). Of course, I can't even consider going back to church. I am an emotional basketcase! I have almost turned off my emotions because it hurts so to feel anything at all.
Yesterday was a very long stressful day- While BF just sat there,I had to do everything from bathing the babies to putting both in the car to chasing them around by myself all day ( attending to both babies every need)- I drove 2 hours (while BF rode in passenger seat) to go out to eat for his mom's bday, afterwards, while visiting with my family for Easter, my brother made some very hurtful remarks about my illegitimate babies. To make things worse, last night, exhausted, I forgot to bring the laptop to him in bed. He got mad and talked some junk to me, so when I got up, I said that it was fine, since I do everything else anyway. I brought him the laptop and his cup of milk (that I always bring him at bedtime) and he said he didn't "want it anywhere near him and as a matter of fact, he didn't want me anywhere near him either, but it is what it is" and that he'll have to suffer with putting up with me because of the boys!
I feel like such a loser and I know if I leave and admit my mistake, I will never live it down and have to listen to "i told you so" til the day I die! He has serious emotional issues and blames most of his actions on his medicine!
I am so lost on what to do! Please, any advice would help so much!