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Where and how to meet men
Ok, I am 30 nice looking and have a good body. I am not full of myself what so ever. I am getting lonely and want a company of a man. A man just did me wrong so I feel even worse. I am living on my own with my daughter 12 and son 6months. My son is so demanding and he wears me out but I love him so much. I just want a few hours every week end or every other week end to go out. The problem is I don't really have any friends and I don't even know how to meet a man. Should I wait or go look. I just need some company. Should I become comfortable with myself. I am getting old, I want to settle down. Internet good ect
wait and the right man will come along,if you go looking you will end up getting used and once he gets enough of what you have to give he will drop you like a bad habbit.so be careful and take your time your still young.don't let anyone know your lonely ,that just opens the door for trouble and hurt.just take care of your family and the right man will show up when you least expect it..i'm more or less in the same boat as you but i just don't worry about it.there are other things to do.good luck and i hope he comes around soon for you.
Kris, if you look on my profile you will see some of the same posts where I brought up the topic something about " is it too late for love - has it passed me by", something like that. I am 32 and a single mother of two boys - 11 and 14. Made the mistake, because i was so lonely and overwhelmed, of dating losers, making the wrong decisions and have ended up alone still. But you are older than I was when I had my children so you are mature enough to know what you're priorities are. I am not here to lecture you on that. I am the same way you are. If I do meet a guy (which I haven't in forever), they don't come around my children, they don't know about him and I just don't want someone in their life and then that person disappears and the same pattern happen again. Even though one of mine is 14 and his Dad is very involved the other is 11 and just dying for male attention and I would hate for him to get it for a while and then him be abandoned again. You sound like you are so motivated to get things right for your family. School is a great idea. Don't worry. I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but God has something already destined for you that you can't change. Just don't fight it, let the blessings come to you. Read some of the posts that I was talking about from my profile in the relationship section. Best of luck to you and stay strong.
I can agree with the others that your responsibility is to your children and providing them the best care you can. You do not need abusive boyfriends, nor an ex- who treats you poorly and places conditions on you. However, you are going to continue receiving this abuse as long as you entertain it. There are elements in your dialogue which suggest you are struggling with self-esteem and purpose -regardless of being good-looking and desirable. Looks don't make a person whole - experience, wisdom, self-respect and purpose, etc. make a person more apt to recognize and empower herself during critical moments.
If you think GOD is the answer, suit yourself. If you believe chastity belts will work, fine. But a good ol' dose of learning how to be a self-sufficient woman is probably the best thing for you right now. And I'm not speaking of paying the rent, and putting food on the table . . . I'm talking about being soul-self-sufficient, where you understand the importance and relevance of understanding yourself and appreciating the freedoms you get when you do, in addition to not being afraid to be alone in the world - this way you will not get so attached to those you know you need to detach from, and less likely to partake in activities that will get you in trouble.
MY ADVISE: join a single-mothers group, maybe through sites like Meetup dot com, or whatever is in your locality. Or you can contact me and I'll find something for you!
If you think GOD is the answer, suit yourself. If you believe chastity belts will work, fine. But a good ol' dose of learning how to be a self-sufficient woman is probably the best thing for you right now. And I'm not speaking of paying the rent, and putting food on the table . . . I'm talking about being soul-self-sufficient, where you understand the importance and relevance of understanding yourself and appreciating the freedoms you get when you do, in addition to not being afraid to be alone in the world - this way you will not get so attached to those you know you need to detach from, and less likely to partake in activities that will get you in trouble.
MY ADVISE: join a single-mothers group, maybe through sites like Meetup dot com, or whatever is in your locality. Or you can contact me and I'll find something for you!
SeriousSam is right. I was sexually abused by my step-father and my mother knew and didn't care.
I wonder why I have issues?
Children change our lives--forever.
I wonder why I have issues?
Children change our lives--forever.
You are a great mom choosing your child over a man. Just give it time.
Man does not = Happiness
Give yourself some time. And what did Jerry Seinfeld say when he joked about women wanting to look for men--where are they?
Men are Everywhere!!
Take Care.
Man does not = Happiness
Give yourself some time. And what did Jerry Seinfeld say when he joked about women wanting to look for men--where are they?
Men are Everywhere!!
Take Care.
Kris123, you said you'd like to go back to school right? Plenty of guys in school in odds are they are at least decent citizens if they're in school trying to improve themselves.
Some great suggestions on this thread.
A saddening fact of life these days is that we men are all suspects with kids. I guess we're all suspects with single mom's with kids to. To those ends, we're probably suspects with women and children in general.
It's sad and I wish I could make the argument that we haven't brought it upon ourselves. The fact is, you have to be very wary of men in your situtation until his actions and intentions make clear that he's for real. You can reduce the odds of him being a scumbag by checking his "resume" so to speak (education, job, stability, upbringing, etc). The more the scorecard is diminished the more your radar has to be up. That includes keeping an eye on those well intentioned people at church who you may be attracted to. Unfortunately, religion is also often used to prey upon the weaknesses of others.
Best course of action is to make yourself strong, commit yourself to your children and living a life of integrity. Love has attraction properties like a magnet. Inner strength and beauty exudes a magnetism that draws people to you. Being viewed as a great mom is also a major magnetic attraction.
Sex is fleeting and can be done solo. You can get all the love you need from your children, family, and friends.
*Someone above mentioned getting together with other single mom's, that's great advice and something I see working very well for some of the single mom's I work with. They are all about your age and have 2-3 children each. But, they've formed a community of support and friendship that strangely seems to be as rewarding to them as having a boyfriend.
Some great suggestions on this thread.
A saddening fact of life these days is that we men are all suspects with kids. I guess we're all suspects with single mom's with kids to. To those ends, we're probably suspects with women and children in general.
It's sad and I wish I could make the argument that we haven't brought it upon ourselves. The fact is, you have to be very wary of men in your situtation until his actions and intentions make clear that he's for real. You can reduce the odds of him being a scumbag by checking his "resume" so to speak (education, job, stability, upbringing, etc). The more the scorecard is diminished the more your radar has to be up. That includes keeping an eye on those well intentioned people at church who you may be attracted to. Unfortunately, religion is also often used to prey upon the weaknesses of others.
Best course of action is to make yourself strong, commit yourself to your children and living a life of integrity. Love has attraction properties like a magnet. Inner strength and beauty exudes a magnetism that draws people to you. Being viewed as a great mom is also a major magnetic attraction.
Sex is fleeting and can be done solo. You can get all the love you need from your children, family, and friends.
*Someone above mentioned getting together with other single mom's, that's great advice and something I see working very well for some of the single mom's I work with. They are all about your age and have 2-3 children each. But, they've formed a community of support and friendship that strangely seems to be as rewarding to them as having a boyfriend.
Last night was really great in my new house. It is nice not to hear my mom yell at Kala - even though I do too :-) She is so so bitter and mean. She is in a wheel chair so it still is hard for her to deal with it and I understand why she is the way she is. Kala has her own room and ryan is with me. He doesn't need much space. I can do what I want. i don't have much in the house and if I do meet a man I will keep it seprate from my children. I don't want anyone coming in my house. I don't want anyone to know where i live. I want to go back to school and get my four year degree. I have a two year in science but I want to do something else - My passion is to do something else and I don't care if I have to take one class at a time and it takes me 10years. i just need a computer
I dated a few single dads when I was younger and thought most were great, but one actually used the fact he was a single dad to lure women in. I was just one of many in a long line of women through his door apparently. But i know not all are like that.
I am happy to live in a state that sees that men can be a better parent and they have worked hard to try to find the right situation for the child. It is no means easy, but I have encountered far more single dads with custody of their children in the last 10 years than I would have ever thought possible.
But rare is it for a woman to "target" a single dad and abuse his children. Not the case with single mothers. Turn on the news and it is littered with stories of boyfriends killing their girlfriends children or sexual predators grooming the entire family to get to the kids. My life was touched by not one, but two such stories when I was a teenager. One of those beautiful little girls was my close friends nieces. We used to watch her together, laughed hysterically when she would head-bang when we played Metallica for her. One day her mom's boyfriend decided to throw her down a flight of stairs and then told the cops her 4 year old sister did it. Imagine seeing the 4 year old testifying what really happened. Another case involved someone I was in college with. Her young son was killed by her boyfriend while she was at school. He claimed a blood sugar issue, but that didn't explain the old fractures or the force with which he used to pick up and throw the young boy against the wall over and over again. We were all stunned when it happened and even more stunned when she sat on his side during the trial.
I have often said I would remain single should something happen to my husband. My life has been touched too often by the hazards and heartbreak of dating with children. Both in my experiences as the child of a single mother and as someone who has born witness to these horrific things.
And I think the advice given above by Error is dead on-keep things separate. Don't mix dating and your kids. They don't need to see people coming in and out of your life like that. Again, it'll all work out in the end if you keep a level head.
I am happy to live in a state that sees that men can be a better parent and they have worked hard to try to find the right situation for the child. It is no means easy, but I have encountered far more single dads with custody of their children in the last 10 years than I would have ever thought possible.
But rare is it for a woman to "target" a single dad and abuse his children. Not the case with single mothers. Turn on the news and it is littered with stories of boyfriends killing their girlfriends children or sexual predators grooming the entire family to get to the kids. My life was touched by not one, but two such stories when I was a teenager. One of those beautiful little girls was my close friends nieces. We used to watch her together, laughed hysterically when she would head-bang when we played Metallica for her. One day her mom's boyfriend decided to throw her down a flight of stairs and then told the cops her 4 year old sister did it. Imagine seeing the 4 year old testifying what really happened. Another case involved someone I was in college with. Her young son was killed by her boyfriend while she was at school. He claimed a blood sugar issue, but that didn't explain the old fractures or the force with which he used to pick up and throw the young boy against the wall over and over again. We were all stunned when it happened and even more stunned when she sat on his side during the trial.
I have often said I would remain single should something happen to my husband. My life has been touched too often by the hazards and heartbreak of dating with children. Both in my experiences as the child of a single mother and as someone who has born witness to these horrific things.
And I think the advice given above by Error is dead on-keep things separate. Don't mix dating and your kids. They don't need to see people coming in and out of your life like that. Again, it'll all work out in the end if you keep a level head.
It's not that a single mother is targeted so much as I guy who has custody by that point has had to go through so much hell that he ends up careful to the point of paranoia about letting the new girl even see his kids.
The fathers who have to fight for their kids at least (qualifier).
The fathers who have to fight for their kids at least (qualifier).
Those are all great comments above, Kris, and there is not much to add except: do your kids and yourself a favor - if you do start dating someone eventually, even if it is just a weekly arrangement, meet "off-shore", meaning not with your kids, not in your house, keep it separate, keep it secret.
The single mother is often targeted - just as Andi and Sam said - by creeps of all kinds who are either after your children or it is guys who like to build abusive relationships where they know their woman is restricted financially or emotionally because she has not gotten attention from a man in so long. I am sure there are fantastic partners out there but keep your little ones out of it. You will all be more relaxed and only a relaxed mind can see the gems.
When I was 30, I had moved to a different country where I was one of the few of a different race. Life felt as incomplete for a while as you describe it. Maybe it is something about being that age, single mother or not, that makes you wonder if you should force your life into a different direction or you realize you have not had a hug in years. And suddenly all is well. Hope you are on your way to happiness. It is always out there.
The single mother is often targeted - just as Andi and Sam said - by creeps of all kinds who are either after your children or it is guys who like to build abusive relationships where they know their woman is restricted financially or emotionally because she has not gotten attention from a man in so long. I am sure there are fantastic partners out there but keep your little ones out of it. You will all be more relaxed and only a relaxed mind can see the gems.
When I was 30, I had moved to a different country where I was one of the few of a different race. Life felt as incomplete for a while as you describe it. Maybe it is something about being that age, single mother or not, that makes you wonder if you should force your life into a different direction or you realize you have not had a hug in years. And suddenly all is well. Hope you are on your way to happiness. It is always out there.
30 Is not old ...You mention getting back on track with God, you're on the right track!!!! You sound intelligent , independent and chose your daughter over the ex , which says you're a good mom . You have alot going for you...take your time ..let the right situation find you ..not the other way around ..God Bless
That is a point i was hesitant to make, Sam. A very scary fact indeed that men who are not the father's of children are much more likely to abuse them, both phsyically and sexually. Sad as it is, single moms are often targeted by p-e-d-o-p-h-i-l-e-s (sorry, MH censors that word) for their children. They are often groomed for a long period of time, both mother and children, believe the guy is wonderful, loving, etc. I cringe any time I hear of a single mother meeting Mr Wonderful "who just loves my kids" as the statistics are so scary.
If you go out looking, trouble will find you. Don't focus so much on that, but rather work on you. Enjoy your newfound independence away from your folks. Be a mom, be a woman, find who you are before you bring someone else into it. Trust me, once you do that, love will find you. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen in time. In the meantime, get yourself a BOB ;-) Save the snuggling you miss for your kiddos. They'll appreciate it much more than some random guy.
I watched my real mother parade hundreds (literally) of men in and out of her bedroom growing up. She'd meet a guy at the bar and he would be in her bed that night. Sometimes they wouldn't leave for a month. It was no wonder she never found anyone worth a thing before she died. But she lacked self-worth and the realization she had the love she craved right there, didn't realize that her children would have loved her and respected her so much more than any one of those men. It is sad. I cannot count how many "Uncles" I had. She spent her life thinking she "needed" a man to be complete, she needed self-worth and a sense of self-esteem to be whole before ever thinking about adding someone else.
It will happen in time, Kris. Just be patient.
If you go out looking, trouble will find you. Don't focus so much on that, but rather work on you. Enjoy your newfound independence away from your folks. Be a mom, be a woman, find who you are before you bring someone else into it. Trust me, once you do that, love will find you. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen in time. In the meantime, get yourself a BOB ;-) Save the snuggling you miss for your kiddos. They'll appreciate it much more than some random guy.
I watched my real mother parade hundreds (literally) of men in and out of her bedroom growing up. She'd meet a guy at the bar and he would be in her bed that night. Sometimes they wouldn't leave for a month. It was no wonder she never found anyone worth a thing before she died. But she lacked self-worth and the realization she had the love she craved right there, didn't realize that her children would have loved her and respected her so much more than any one of those men. It is sad. I cannot count how many "Uncles" I had. She spent her life thinking she "needed" a man to be complete, she needed self-worth and a sense of self-esteem to be whole before ever thinking about adding someone else.
It will happen in time, Kris. Just be patient.
Anyone who knows me will say that I am the biggest on father's rights and I believe domestic violence is 50/50 in relationships going from recent DOJ and CDC information. That having been said the greatest abusers of children from what I've seen and statistically are boyfriends. Whatever you do be careful.
I know what you mean about wanting to meet a guy and not really knowing how to go about it, and on top of that not really having any close friends you can hang out with either.
But, look at it this way...if you want a relationship where you would have a man's companionship once or twice a week for a few hours, you'd need a babysitter, right? Well, focus your attention instead on just taking that brief time each week only for you and get the babysitter.
Like teko and Andi mentioned, get involved in a hobby where you can meet people and make friends, and don't go into it just because you want to find a man. Go into it because it's something you know you'll enjoy.
Before I met my boyfriend three months ago, I got myself involved in taekwondo a couple months before that. I just wanted something to do that I could enjoy and have that time completely to myself. I go in the afternoons on my lunch hour at work while my son is in daycare. I've met some good friends there (not any close friends, but at least people who share a common interest, and that makes you feel like you belong). After being involved in that for a few weeks, I got really toned up and my self-image improved greatly, even though I had a great figure when I started.
At the end of Sept I met my boyfriend, and he just happened unexpectedly. He's the greatest man I could ever imagine having the priviledge to be with. But like I said, we ended up meeting and getting together just out of the blue (we work at the same company, and he noticed me, but I had no idea that he existed until the company cafeteria cashier told me about him and said he left his number with her to give to me).
So don't give up hope, because the right guy will come along when you least expect it, but having your own life in order first not only is better for you, but also diverts your attention away from the lonliness.
But, look at it this way...if you want a relationship where you would have a man's companionship once or twice a week for a few hours, you'd need a babysitter, right? Well, focus your attention instead on just taking that brief time each week only for you and get the babysitter.
Like teko and Andi mentioned, get involved in a hobby where you can meet people and make friends, and don't go into it just because you want to find a man. Go into it because it's something you know you'll enjoy.
Before I met my boyfriend three months ago, I got myself involved in taekwondo a couple months before that. I just wanted something to do that I could enjoy and have that time completely to myself. I go in the afternoons on my lunch hour at work while my son is in daycare. I've met some good friends there (not any close friends, but at least people who share a common interest, and that makes you feel like you belong). After being involved in that for a few weeks, I got really toned up and my self-image improved greatly, even though I had a great figure when I started.
At the end of Sept I met my boyfriend, and he just happened unexpectedly. He's the greatest man I could ever imagine having the priviledge to be with. But like I said, we ended up meeting and getting together just out of the blue (we work at the same company, and he noticed me, but I had no idea that he existed until the company cafeteria cashier told me about him and said he left his number with her to give to me).
So don't give up hope, because the right guy will come along when you least expect it, but having your own life in order first not only is better for you, but also diverts your attention away from the lonliness.
And - I shouldn't have done it but it had been such a long time and like I said I had known him for over a year. He was such a kid about it. I would have thought if that is all he wanted he would have been an adult about it. I feel bad because I told myself I would never to it again and I know all well that jumping in the sack to soon can back fire. Most men view sex as sex right? I think maybe moving out and being with the kids is just scary for me.
Man I do not miss being single and I cannot imagine being single with kids. You are a target my dear, a lot of men with less than honorable intentions will see you as being lonely, lacking in self-esteem, and ready and willing to possibly sleep with them a little earlier than you should. Once they have that, they will lose interest.
I agree with the others. Take some time to connect with yourself and your kids. Find an interest or hobby and throw your energy into that. You don't need a man to make your life complete, you have two kids and they will provide more than you realize. I understand the want for companionship, but right now you are dealing with issues that will only be made worse by bringing men in and out. You need to work on your own self worth, realizing you are a good person that doesn't need someone else to make you feel better about yourself.
I was that girl when I was younger. It is a miserable way to live. Mix kids in and it gets more dangerous and difficult. Separate sex from the dating equation for a while. Jumping into bed with someone won't help to build a relationship. Even if you have known someone for 10 years, if you have only been dating for a short while, work on getting to know them in the new role before sleeping with them. That helps to weed out the creeps as a creep will move on quickly if he can't get into your pants right away.
I agree with the others. Take some time to connect with yourself and your kids. Find an interest or hobby and throw your energy into that. You don't need a man to make your life complete, you have two kids and they will provide more than you realize. I understand the want for companionship, but right now you are dealing with issues that will only be made worse by bringing men in and out. You need to work on your own self worth, realizing you are a good person that doesn't need someone else to make you feel better about yourself.
I was that girl when I was younger. It is a miserable way to live. Mix kids in and it gets more dangerous and difficult. Separate sex from the dating equation for a while. Jumping into bed with someone won't help to build a relationship. Even if you have known someone for 10 years, if you have only been dating for a short while, work on getting to know them in the new role before sleeping with them. That helps to weed out the creeps as a creep will move on quickly if he can't get into your pants right away.
Teko - the other guy who I knew for a year and saw for three weeks talked to me great said he liked me I was speical blah blah and we had sex twice and the last I heard from him was Dec 21st. We had sex then and after we had sex he spent a total of 15min with me after - I am such a fool
I am trying to get back on the right track with God. Sam the guy who did me wrong I only really saw for three weeks but he was kinda like my ex. My ex is so mean to me - he yells all the time and doesn't spend time with the baby - he wanted me to move in with him and he doesn't even tell me he loves me ?????????? I said ok if I could bring my daughter he said that wouldn't work so tell me I chosed my daughter - i wasn't going to go any way. He has never made it a point to get to know here he meet her twice and maybe saw her three times when the baby was born.
I'd wait. Fro experience if the person did you wrong the chances are without counseling you'll just get involved again with the same type of personality over again. I'd wait at least a year.
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