Need opinion on situation with good friend

[mayflowers]

One of my best friends has been living with a guy who is 6 years younger (she's 46 & he's 40).  He is a "contractor" which means he basically works as an electrician, plumber, and carpenter when he can find work.  He has no insurance.  He does seem to keep busy and make enough money to live on.

This couple has been together for about 10 yrs, living together most of the time.  My girlfriend always had great jobs, making good money and would even pay for this guy to go on vacation with her and her young son.  

They have been through a lot together.  Her ex-husband died of cancer, leaving her solely in charge of their son.  Recently, she lost her mother to cancer.  They have broken up a few times but always manage to get back together.

During those break-ups, and sometimes even when they were together, she would occasionally "cheat" (i.e. have sex) with other guys.  She thinks that her boyfriend has an idea b/c he has confronted her, but she always denies it.

The other night, she was telling me how unhappy she is with him.  He is always in a grumpy mood.  He never does anything for her, etc.  

About a year ago, she started her own business and doesn't have extra money anymore, so when she asked him if he could "help out" financially with their next vacation, he said "why should I pay for it?”  

She told me that she "needs" him to live with her because he does pay her rent (it's often late though I've noticed).  I said that maybe she could find a roommate to live with her that would pay the same rent.  She went into a rant about it's her stuff and she doesn't want anyone new messing with her stuff.  

They also each own a dog and she doesn't want to separate the dogs.  She thought of buying his dog but doesn't think that he will let her b/c he love that dog so much.

I am confused as to how to help her.  Does anyone have an opinion about this situation or how I could help her?  I'm not sure what else to say except that I let her complain when she needs to vent.  

My gut tells me that they are together because it's somehow "working" for both of them.  She doesn't want to be alone and neither does he.  Plus, financially it's working out.  He is a nice guy, but rather simple minded, while my friend is quite smart and intelligent and could probably do better than him but hasn't had much luck finding a good man.  He seems like her "back up guy" but it will probably last forever.

One more thing, he has a child with another woman, but he never sees the child because my friend is jealous (I’ve only heard her admit this once, that she thinks he should be focused on only her).  Whether or not he sees the child on the side, I don’t know.  There could be a few going on that neither knows about the other.

I don't know what to tell her anymore.  Any thoughts would be welcome.

[SeriousSam]

This lady is really bad news.  Read what you posted and trim away the justifications for what her  behavior is and you have a time bomb sitting on your desk just waiting for her to blow.  Of course her partner is grumpy!  She won't let him see his kids, she cheats etc.

Honestly you all need to dump her to the curb and hope she gows up before she lines up the next batch of suckers.

[mami1323]

Nope, we have hard enough time solving our own...lol.  You're are very right, if someone wants to leave, they will.  She's just probably complaining about him, which she would do with anyone she winds up with.  Its what people do, no relationship is perfect and so the percentage of her finding her "soul mate" is slim.  She should just try to make the best of her current relationship and stop dreaming that there is a knight in shining armor out there ready to rescue her.  Life is short and if you live it always unhappy, then what life is that.  Live it to the fullest, every day.

[mayflowers]

You're right Jez, I used to have these long conversations with her about him, but then it dawned on me that she started talking like this years ago, about 1 yrs after getting together.  That's when the honeymoon phase wears off.

And  sometimes people can't do better.  I think that's the case here.  There's always an excuse.   When you really want to get out of something that you know deep down isn't working (and they both know this), it doesn't matter how "connected" you are with another person, you leave.   She left her husband and they had a house and a son and were very connected.   More connected than she is with the guy she's with now.   The big difference here is that she is much older now, and isn't as cute as she used to be.  She wants a cute, hot guy but they want cute hot, young girls.

But she's a good friend, and knows me, so like Teko said, all I can do is  just listen and take it all with a grain of salt.  Can't solve everyone's problems, right?

[mami1323]

I know, you were MIA for a while.  I was wondering how you have been.  I think at this point they are just used to each other.  It's a comfort thing.  She expect certain things from him and him for her.  They don't expect more than what they get.  Maybe they are satisfied with that and perhaps they aren't but that's where they are at.  Maybe she cheats or dates behind his back, hoping to find some wonderful man and then realizes that the grass isn't greener on the other side.  So again she takes what she has.  It's not a life I would want but it works for some.  I'm not one to judge, my relationship is far and I mean far from perfect.  But we all deal with what we do, either out of love or for whatever other reason there is.  I think you know their relationship to a "T" and if they are satisfied with the way things are, I mean enough to stay then so be it.

[mayflowers]

Thanks Mami & Teko,

I think you're both right, I just have to listen and she's not going to take my advice anyway.  She really is a good person deep down, and has been there for me when I needed her.  I think she wants him to be something that's he's not, and thinks me or someone else will somehow  know that answer of how to change a person.  He's not going to change.  He probably sees his kid on the side and he knows she cheats from time to time, but he's got a good thing going.  Low rent, a nice place to live, someone who will take care of him, and sex whenever he wants.  She has a man she knows isn't going anywhere and doesn't like to be alone.  Not perfect, but it works.

At some point I think they are both going to realize it's been a waste of time and while they were settling for each other, they could have been looking for someone who would have been a better mate.  But they both have some issues, so not sure how easy it would be for them to find so called "normal, healthy" mates.  He's a simpleton and she's is kind of clingy (with a man).  Even when they were broken up for a few months, and she dated other people through dating sites, she often didn't get a call back or after a few dates, the guy would disappear.  As for him, I don't know what he did when they were broken up; but it's not like he's the most interesting guy with a lot to offer a woman.

As strange as this sounds, I do like them both.  We've all known each other for so long, you get kind of used to people and their idiosyncrasies.  I sure have mine that they have had to put up with over the years.

No one is perfect right?  So we deal with what we have at the moment and that's about all we can do for our friends.  

Thanks for reading my post.  I haven't been around much but pop in once in  a while to see if there's anything interesting.

[teko]

Your friend sounds very selfish and self centered. She sounds like she thinks it is all about her. This would put you in a very precarious situation because you would not want to tell her that as it would definitely not be good for your friendship to say the least. She would take it as an attack I'm sure.

I would not advise her one way or the other, but be there as a sounding board. If she asks you directly for an opinion, then just let her know you are there for her no matter what she decides to do.

I have 3 life long friends. I just lost one to liver cancer this last year and that leaves two. One of them has cheated on her hubby 2 times. Since I love both of them, this was hard for me, but decided it was best to listen only. She worked it out herself and they are still together.  The second has shared very intimate details with me about her relationship and how she feels from time to time. I again just listened, let her know I loved her and kept my trap shut.  These two ladies know my inner workings as well, probably moreso than my husband and family. I have found that if you just support one another and listen and not give advice, it is best for all concerned.  Your friend has some lumps in front of her that is for sure and will need you as a friend in the future. Sure does not make it easy on us friends tho! lol

[mami1323]

Oh my, well we love our friends sometimes and even when they do things that we don't agree on.  First off, it sounds like she is settling because of the fear of being alone.  He's probably just as unhappy as he is, since he's so "grumpy" all the time.  Someone who is happy, isn't this way.  I think that is horrific of her to even "force" him to not see his child.  How would she feel if her husband was still alive, yet they were divorced and this guy tells her not to see her child because her attention should be on him.  Although, she can't make someone do something they don't want to do, so obviously he has no desire to see his child either.  I don't think there is much that you can do for her.  You offered her a suggestion and she refused to take your advice.  So the only thing you can do is listen when she wants to vent.  She will have to find her own way.  That is sweet of you to try and help her though.