Aa
Am I making the right decision?
I am so angry. I am 25 and my (ex) bf is 27. Ive been with him for 2 years and 4 months. During the last 9 months of the relationship he has been so distant. Stop seeing me and calling me, all he would do is text me. He would start using excuses and talk to me less. So New Years Eve I broke up with him. I went away to Jamaica and came back and he was begging me back and things were getting better until the end of March it started again, but he was sick and in and out of the hospital. So I broke up with him in the begining of April and then a week after breaking up he told me he was diagnosed with stomach cancer. We got back together and I have been emotionally supporting him but everything is back to how it was in the past. I am trying to be supportive as Ive always tried to be in there for him. Knowing that cancer is very deadly depending on the stages, I would still think that by the news he gives me which sounds like his cancer is a stage 2 or 3, I would think the news alone would want him to spend time with everyone he claims he loves. I wanted to see him Friday May 6 and we have been talking about meeting up but he never gave me an answer because he said he had to find out when his shots were and that forsure he wants to see me. Then Thursday morning he message me telling me that he is gonna spend his last 8 months (which according to him the doctor said he has 8 months to live) with his nephew and neice. I got so mad because we both live in different cities and he live close to his nephew and neice and can see them many times. I havn't seen him in months. I also have a friend who is willing to drive me down to where he is when ever I wanted to go and see him, which I think is very generous of him and I wanted to make it easier for my now ex so he doesnt have to make the trip. But no, he wants to treat me like this. So I cussed him and broke up with him because he is so selffish. Then he was telling me that he is sorry and blah blah blah, I told him I will not take him back, if he wants me he has to work for it. I dont feel guilty, infact Im angry and venting, but knowing he has cancer, I would hope he would smarten up abit. It hurts alot because I love him. But I cant deal with this disrespect that I dont deserve from him or no man. I, just curious of others opinion.
Just out of curiosity, have you ever known anyone who has gone through cancer? Have you ever seen anyone suffer through cancer and lose the battle?
I ask because, unless you have walked the path with someone you love or a close friend who is battling cancer, and you are there every day with them to see it, you have NO clue what it does not just to them, but to you.
My mom has battled colon cancer twice in her life. First time, just in her colon--surgery removed 8 inches of her colon and they said she was good to go because it was stage 2 (meaning the cancer is confined where it is; there is no evidence of it spreading. Stage 3 is spread to other organs, and stage 4 is spread to the lymph nodes, if I'm not mistaken). Well, watching her go through massive surgery and recover from that was very hard. There are so many what-ifs with cancer--one minute, doctors can tell you they "think" it's not so bad before starting all the treatments. The next minute, they tell you it's worse than they expected, and they will have to try treatments A, B and C to fight it, when originally they were only expecting to do treatment A. The more treatments, the worse off the cancer patient is, the more they suffer. It is a brutal, agonizing battle.
My mom just fought colon cancer again a year and a half ago; it spread to her lung and she had to have half her lung removed. The doctors were only expecting to remove a third of her lung, but it was worse than expected, as is usually the case. They also said the tumor was wrapped around lymph nodes--stage 4. She went through 10 months of chemo and a month of radiation.
Let me tell you something...with cancer and chemo, one or the other is just as likely to kill a person. It's a wait and see game to find out whether or not the body is strong enough to tolerate the chemo to kill the cancer. It is torturous.
I also had a close friend who died from colon cancer shortly after my mom recovered from hers last year. Her body wasn't strong enough for the chemo, so she ended up just letting the cancer take her in its own time. She wasted away; she was so frail and skinny in her last days and VERY sick. She didn't even look the same. And you know what? Her wishes were to NOT have ANYBODY around to see her like that except her immediate family, the hospice staff, and our pastor. This was NOT unexpected from anyone and her wishes were respected.
So here's my opinion on the matter, since you asked for it.
You are being extremely inconsiderate and disrespectful to your ex boyfriend. I can guarantee you that when this started nine months ago was when his symptoms began. I don't know about you, but when I'm sick, I don't want anyone around me physically unless I absolutely need them. This is the same for everyone I know.
I'm guessing since you didn't take too well to him distancing himself due to illness nine months ago, he got the message that you are not a very supportive person. He may want to maintain contact with you, but it doesn't sound like he's even too sure of that anymore since you've cussed him out when he's practically on his death bed and told him your relationship is over simply because you don't like the fact that he doesn't want to be seen in all his misery and suffering. Quite honestly, if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want you around either. The way I see it based on your perspective...you really have nothing to offer him in his last days except unnecessary drama.
I ask because, unless you have walked the path with someone you love or a close friend who is battling cancer, and you are there every day with them to see it, you have NO clue what it does not just to them, but to you.
My mom has battled colon cancer twice in her life. First time, just in her colon--surgery removed 8 inches of her colon and they said she was good to go because it was stage 2 (meaning the cancer is confined where it is; there is no evidence of it spreading. Stage 3 is spread to other organs, and stage 4 is spread to the lymph nodes, if I'm not mistaken). Well, watching her go through massive surgery and recover from that was very hard. There are so many what-ifs with cancer--one minute, doctors can tell you they "think" it's not so bad before starting all the treatments. The next minute, they tell you it's worse than they expected, and they will have to try treatments A, B and C to fight it, when originally they were only expecting to do treatment A. The more treatments, the worse off the cancer patient is, the more they suffer. It is a brutal, agonizing battle.
My mom just fought colon cancer again a year and a half ago; it spread to her lung and she had to have half her lung removed. The doctors were only expecting to remove a third of her lung, but it was worse than expected, as is usually the case. They also said the tumor was wrapped around lymph nodes--stage 4. She went through 10 months of chemo and a month of radiation.
Let me tell you something...with cancer and chemo, one or the other is just as likely to kill a person. It's a wait and see game to find out whether or not the body is strong enough to tolerate the chemo to kill the cancer. It is torturous.
I also had a close friend who died from colon cancer shortly after my mom recovered from hers last year. Her body wasn't strong enough for the chemo, so she ended up just letting the cancer take her in its own time. She wasted away; she was so frail and skinny in her last days and VERY sick. She didn't even look the same. And you know what? Her wishes were to NOT have ANYBODY around to see her like that except her immediate family, the hospice staff, and our pastor. This was NOT unexpected from anyone and her wishes were respected.
So here's my opinion on the matter, since you asked for it.
You are being extremely inconsiderate and disrespectful to your ex boyfriend. I can guarantee you that when this started nine months ago was when his symptoms began. I don't know about you, but when I'm sick, I don't want anyone around me physically unless I absolutely need them. This is the same for everyone I know.
I'm guessing since you didn't take too well to him distancing himself due to illness nine months ago, he got the message that you are not a very supportive person. He may want to maintain contact with you, but it doesn't sound like he's even too sure of that anymore since you've cussed him out when he's practically on his death bed and told him your relationship is over simply because you don't like the fact that he doesn't want to be seen in all his misery and suffering. Quite honestly, if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want you around either. The way I see it based on your perspective...you really have nothing to offer him in his last days except unnecessary drama.
Um..... YOU were the one that said he had 8 months to live? I was going by your words, so when you write "And saying that one doesnt live after stomach cancer shows the lack of knowledge I am dealing with" - that dosen't even make sense, as I was going by what you wrote.
Anyway, specialmom (and others) have given you good advise.
Peace.
Anyway, specialmom (and others) have given you good advise.
Peace.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. Ya know, I think we have to be careful about our expectations of other people. If his cancer is stage 2 or 3, he's probably been dealing with symptoms for a while, right? Not feeling great. Your second episode of feeling ignored came when he was "sick and in and out of hospitals". No, you are probably not foremost on his mind right now. He's trying to live and survive.
I will tell you also, and please don't be hurt because it is cutting to the chase. I think that when we are going through a crisis-------- we turn to those that comfort us and make us feel better and away from those who don't. I think his reaction of distancing from you as he goes through his battle says that he can't work on this relationship and your expectations right now and you hadn't gotten to the point of being so close he has to have you there. Very few people are we as humans that close to. Your relationship is not at the level of being able to handle this kind of health crisis.
And he really does need to focus on trying to live verses pleasing you. Please don't allow this petty drama to distract him. If he does really only have 8 months to live, they should be nice months and not a time in which his girlfriend is mad at him because she feels like she isn't number one.
BTW, stage 4 cancer is spreading so specific organs. I'd do some research on the cancer your (ex) boyfriend has.
I'm thinking that you should let this go. The cussing out and being angry isn't really the right thing to do---------- you should let him go because you aren't trying to see things from his point of view and regardless of what you are telling yourself, you are NOT being there emotionally for him (cussing and breaking up . . . not so 'there' for someone, right?)
It's hard but I think this relationship is not going to go anywhere and now you have the potential to do damage to his health. Good luck in the future and don't feel bad--------- we all have things to work on! I think you can work on putting yourself in someone else's shoes and it will help you for any future relationship you may have. Peace.
I will tell you also, and please don't be hurt because it is cutting to the chase. I think that when we are going through a crisis-------- we turn to those that comfort us and make us feel better and away from those who don't. I think his reaction of distancing from you as he goes through his battle says that he can't work on this relationship and your expectations right now and you hadn't gotten to the point of being so close he has to have you there. Very few people are we as humans that close to. Your relationship is not at the level of being able to handle this kind of health crisis.
And he really does need to focus on trying to live verses pleasing you. Please don't allow this petty drama to distract him. If he does really only have 8 months to live, they should be nice months and not a time in which his girlfriend is mad at him because she feels like she isn't number one.
BTW, stage 4 cancer is spreading so specific organs. I'd do some research on the cancer your (ex) boyfriend has.
I'm thinking that you should let this go. The cussing out and being angry isn't really the right thing to do---------- you should let him go because you aren't trying to see things from his point of view and regardless of what you are telling yourself, you are NOT being there emotionally for him (cussing and breaking up . . . not so 'there' for someone, right?)
It's hard but I think this relationship is not going to go anywhere and now you have the potential to do damage to his health. Good luck in the future and don't feel bad--------- we all have things to work on! I think you can work on putting yourself in someone else's shoes and it will help you for any future relationship you may have. Peace.
You're dealing with this for nine months, and it started before his diagnosis, right? Just a reminder, cancer doesn't start off at stage 2 or stage 3.... it grows to this point. So with that said, he was sick and probably suffering some symptoms 9 months ago.
I'd respect the mans wants. If he doesn't want to see you, or you to see him... take a look at the bigger picture. Maybe he doesn't want you to see his physical deterioration.... Maybe he doesn't want to see the look on your face when you see him dying a slow and agonizing death.
Maybe this is just me... but if I were dying from cancer, I'd want to have some control. Cancer is going to take this man, and he has no say in the deal. If he prefers to spend time with his family, I'd gladly clear the way for that! I wouldn't allow my wants to trump his. You being there mentally may be what he wants from you.... have you taken that into consideration? No offense, but you seem a bit needy. You seem as if you still want this guy to meet some of your needs, when he is preparing to die, for Christ's sake..... Put aside your wants.... give this guy what he is asking for.
I'd respect the mans wants. If he doesn't want to see you, or you to see him... take a look at the bigger picture. Maybe he doesn't want you to see his physical deterioration.... Maybe he doesn't want to see the look on your face when you see him dying a slow and agonizing death.
Maybe this is just me... but if I were dying from cancer, I'd want to have some control. Cancer is going to take this man, and he has no say in the deal. If he prefers to spend time with his family, I'd gladly clear the way for that! I wouldn't allow my wants to trump his. You being there mentally may be what he wants from you.... have you taken that into consideration? No offense, but you seem a bit needy. You seem as if you still want this guy to meet some of your needs, when he is preparing to die, for Christ's sake..... Put aside your wants.... give this guy what he is asking for.
I dont think your guys are understanding what I am saying, I just said he has been acting like this for 9 months. You dont think I feel bad enough, however, my guy friend is a friend, so I dont know what the big deal is. It doesnt matter, if a person says they love you and everything they should still be around EVERY ONE THEY LOVE. I can understand that its a scary situation. But I don't understand why if I am emotionally trying to be there for him that he wouldnt want me to be there physically and its been off and on like that for 9 months! Also, Im confused, because he is saying that he has stage 2 border line 3 stomach cancer and it has spread to his large intestines, I dunno if that is right or not. I thought the cancer spread to other organs at stage 4. I can understand how he feels, but I am the one when dealing with this for 9 months, meaning before he was diagnosed. And I find that funny that your telling me to leave him alone when he is the one texting me telling me that he misses me, loves me and everything. And saying that one doesnt live after stomach cancer shows the lack of knowledge I am dealing with, it depends on the stage and I never once said he shouldnt be with his family.
You need to grow up young lady. You dont live after stomach cancer and he needs to be with family. He has no future with you or anyone else, or dont u get that? Respect his wishes and understand that you throwing a tantrum is not high on his list of things to worry about. Do him and u a favor and keep your distance and allow him some peace. Having a guy take you to see him is an uncomfortable event for the poor guy I would think. Or maybe I am missing something.
He is 27 and has just been told he has 8 months to live?! Poor guy....Ttat is terrible....... I wouldn't so much be thinking he is being ''selfish'' as such..... he's probably still in shock and getting through each day the best he can.... also, having stomach cancer does not cause pleasant symptoms so he probably feels physically bad also.
To be honest I'm surprised you are even thinking of yourself at all..... he has 8 months to live! If he wants to spend it with family like his neice and nephew, you shouldn't even BLINK at that (let alone cuss him out and break up with him!! Whatever you can do to make this time as good and easy as possible for him, I would do it. You asked for opinions, thats how I see it.....
He'll be gone in a year and you have your whole life ahead of you. Remember that.
To be honest I'm surprised you are even thinking of yourself at all..... he has 8 months to live! If he wants to spend it with family like his neice and nephew, you shouldn't even BLINK at that (let alone cuss him out and break up with him!! Whatever you can do to make this time as good and easy as possible for him, I would do it. You asked for opinions, thats how I see it.....
He'll be gone in a year and you have your whole life ahead of you. Remember that.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
