dlr2007

[dlr2007]

Is there anyone here who thinks it's possible to have a good marriage with very little sex? My hubby and I hardly ever do the deed anymore- maybe once every month or so. He's 53, I'm 38.We both have chronic liver problems but are doing OK. He has low testosterone. I never liked sex much before him although I sure did it enough- lol- but when I met him, I fell madly in love. We had a great sex life for about 8 months- then his Mom got cancer, I had this bizarre herpes scare, his son got in trouble with the law... in other words the sh$t hit the fan. We started doing it less and less- I started nagging about it, I'm ashamed to say, asking "do you love me? do you still think I'm sexy? and so on...". Put a lot of pressure on him that he didn't need. It just tapered off kinda slowly- every day, then twice a week, then once a week.. down to next to nothing. Honestly, I'm OK with it for the most part. But I wonder- he was quite the stud before he met me, lots of girls, some quite pretty. And he liked skinny girls- I've gained about 15 lbs since we met. Also he used to be all about pleasing me- now there is no foreplay. I'm very sure he is faithful. Most days I'm like, whatever, I'm too busy for sex anyway. But sometimes I worry... am I repulsive to him? Will he someday meet another woman who "reawakens" his lust? I just wanted to get other people's opinion on this, see what you all think of it. Thanks!
-Dee

[Trialanderror]

Thanks, Dee, same to you. If you want to be happy you work on being happy and all turns out well. Rule of life. I am not a psychic but I can see you might even have fun taking the next hurdles in your marriage. Okay, gotta go back to my nuts and bolts now. What do I know about marriage, haha....
Take care -  Sabine.

[dlr2007]

"Interesting" would be one way to describe my marriage- lol! Btw, good career choice. I'm trying to get my son into a vocational school so he can learn a trade- you can't go wrong. And as you have proven, you can expand on and up from your original career. Good for you!
  I like figuring out how things work too- my mind never stops ticking away. I think it would be easier to not question everything so much, but oh well.
  You have definitely helped. I'm feeling less hostile and hurt about this issue and more like really trying to work it out. I hope that your life is going well- you seem like a great person who deserves every happiness. Thanks again!
-Dee

[Trialanderror]

Hahaha...thanks, Dee. I`m just interested in how things work - and somehow that includes relationships. I am a construction worker-turned-engineer...I think I will be stuck with my nuts and bolts forever but I sure like thinking about other humans and if any of those thoughts help, I am more than happy. It sure sounds like you have an interesting marriage. Wishing you all the best. Sabine.

[dlr2007]

Very interesting observation! Y'know, that could very well be it. He has said he doesn't feel that attractive- he's gained a few pounds as well as me. I think when he was still "single" he felt sexy and exciting- the chase was on. Now he's a regulat hubby, instead of the sought-after free guy he used to be.
  I will try the approach you mentioned- it sounds like it could work. I know I do fall into "ballbusting" habits too, esp when I'mn resentful of his putting me down. I go out of my way to be critical and make him feel as dumb as he makes me feel. Vicious circle! I will try to curb that and work on helping him feel more manly and "kinglike" in our marriage. It could actually be quite fun and sure beats feeling sorry for myself. Life is really too good for that! Thanks so much for your very good advice. Ever consider going into phsycology... or are you already? You have an exceptional grasp of human nature.
  All the best,
Dee

[Trialanderror]

That sounds like a good plan, DLR. Self-esteem and communication. I sense something else now, though, after your additional information. He reminds me exactly of my dad after my parents` divorce. A type personality, always on the prowl in search of impressible women but for serious relationships to come he would only be interested in the untamed hard to get type woman. Once in a serious commitment he did not at all lose interest in his lady but he came to the point that he felt rather like a lion rug than the roaring lion king he felt he should be in this world. The second marriage fell apart and then the same game started all over. His third marriage was perfect, though. It was crazy enough to make him think he was not stuck in a rut, his male ego was not in question and they did not live together all of the time, maybe 9 months out of the year. Sorry this is so long. Since you mentioned "feel like he thinks I`m an idiot most of the time" - that struck me. In his first and second marriage my dad would switch to degrading his wife in a subtle way and appear as the super strict disciplinarian when it came to parenting. He tried to make up for the perceived loss of his alpha-male role, as a family man he just did not feel male enough. Maybe your husband happens to be a similar type, so all you have to do is to arrange some hard to achieve goals arround him that "only a lion king can resolve", shuffle your daily routines around, let him have time to himself to pursue special interests - hard to say what works but hope some of this helps. Sounds like it will all fall into place. Good luck.

[dlr2007]

Thanks for your reply. You made a very good point about his being too busy to let me know I'm still #1 in his life. When it comes right down to it, this is what it's all about to me. Not how many times are we having sex a month, but is he still in love with me? Is he really happy to have me as his one and only? That is really what I want to know.
   I think the initial attraction to me was that I was "different", I was a wild thing and didn't want to be tied down, unlike other women who tried to get him to commit. He felt like I understood him, and constantly complimented me on my intelligence, looks, etc. Now I feel like he thinks I'm an idiot most of the time. It's like somewhere, perhaps as I settled down in the relationship and went from being new and mysterious to familiar and comfortable, I just lost my appeal to him. He says no, I'm the one for him, he's just been under so much stress it's like somebody turned off a button to his sex drive. We also have very different parenting styles and I am very protective of my children being over-disiplined by him. He doesn't hit or yell, just likes to make rules and makes a bigger deal out of things than I do. So we butt heads a lot- I am independent and stubborn and it drives him crazy. Sounds like he was used to a more docile type of lady before me. So it could be just the stress and l0w testosterone... or it could be that he does have a "younger women" obsession and only feel attraction when a women is new to him. I know it's immature, but sometimes when I think about his past I feel like he wanted to have sex all the time with everyone else, but now not with me! But I also must remember, he didn't marry the other women.. just me.
  Thank you for putting such a good perspective on this for me, Trialand error. You sound like a very smart person. This is a complex sitution, as I'm realizing more and more, and in time I'm sure the answers will become clear to me.  I just need to keep my selfesteem high and keep trying to communicate with my husband.
  

[Trialanderror]

Try to figure out what the initial motives were for the two of you to get together and what is different now, aside from 15 extra pounds and his low testosterone. Maybe he went through his first midlife crisis when he met you and a younger woman with children may seem like an opportunity to some older men to relive their own possibly failed family life. Or he is hooked on "the younger woman" type and can not face reality. Or age and step-dad responsibilites simply catch up with him. Nagging can put quite a damper on sex life too. If you are fine with that part, good. But it sounds like he is too busy re-evaluating his life to give you some re-assurance that you are still his number one.

[dlr2007]

Thanks for your reply. You're right, if I'm OK with it then I guess it's not such a big deal. But like you said, I wonder if my husband is having some depression or stress that is causing this. We've only been together for 3 1/2 years, so things have tapered off pretty quickly.And he is very irritable and highstrung- I have suggested looking into an antidepressant but he says no. Losing his Mom, and his youngest son getting in such huge trouble, plus marrying me and becoming step-dad to 2 more kids in a loud, easygoing household like I run- it's gotta be hard on the guy. I'm very willing to sacrifice a lively sex life for the sake of our marriage-I just wonder if I'm making a mistake seeping this under the rug. I don't want either of us to wake up in 5-10 years and say,"What've I done? I missed out!"
  By the way, I used to feel just like you- that once or twice a month would fine. Especially when my kids were little, I was up to my knees in diapers and bottles and my kid's dad wouldn't leave me alone. But I sure felt wanted- lol!

[Lorielle]

If its okay with you, then its fine.  I think it would be nice to only do it a time or two a month.  Unless it is because of a problem in the relationship.   I kind of wonder if your husband is okay emotionally or stressed out.  But he is a little older so maybe he's just slowing down in that way.  I've heard it happens about then and esp. if stressed.