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Can't take it back...Part II
It's been difficult for me to put my situation out here and i'm new to this forum so here goes. I posted something a couple of days ago about an argument i got into with my husband, and how i called family and friends venting on them. I said some things and told some personal things about our relationship i wished i hadn't. Anyway, it's a done deal and i've been trying to fix it. So far everything is back to normal and we are back to our daily routines. I'm coming back here because i know there are issues that need to be worked out. I can only work on myself so that's what i'm gonna do. I wanted to get some feedback that will hopefully give me a different perspective than the one that's in my head. We've gone through things over the years as most people in relationships do. However, i have had a tendency to let some of these things affect me to the point of depression and sometimes just feeling stuck. I know that i'm responsible for my own happiness. I've been known to be a bit independent and spontaneous, i'm not clingy or demanding. I love to have fun and i'm a people person...at least i was.
We met and became friends over 10 years ago. We kinda saw each other on a social basis for about 2 years. He eventually told me that he felt we had more than a friendship. At the time i didn't see it at all and i told him we were too different. He had grown up in a healthy, normal family, where his mom and dad are still together and going strong. I grew up in a dysfunctional situation where there was abuse, both physical and sexual by my step-father for several years. I got married and divorced at a young age and had other children. He had been married and divorced but didn't have any kids. There was more that is too long to go into. Anyway, after a year of me saying no, he finally said fine and went on his way. We saw each other again about a year later and we talked alot and i had prayed for God to send the right person into my life. I'm sure he had done the same. We did get together eventually and all was fine.
We moved several hundred miles away to where his family lives and that was fine because they are awesome. However, i stayed home to raise our two kids that were under 3 years old. I didn't know anyone here because i had left all of my friends that i had known for for at least 15 years. I got lonely and he changed. He changed quickly from the person who wanted this relationship so much to someone who wanted to give me a hard time about things from the music i listened to, to vacuum(sp) cleaners. I didn't get it and i'm not one to just Shut it when someone is doing that to me. It would cause arguments and he would go to the bedroom and lock the door and stay for days. He was a person that liked his space when we met and that was one of my concerns about our being so different.
I tried to suck it up for the kids sake and continue to take care of my family. I was my usaul fun loving, easy going, self trying to make everyone else happy. It wasn't always like this but it would come at times and i just tryed to deal with it until things were better again. I totally didn't understand how he could change like that. He would've never talked to me or treated me the way he was before we moved because i would've been long gone. I know i'm far from perfect but i felt like i just got the bait and switch move and it was hard to deal with.
I'm not through with this but i have to leave for a couple of hours and i've tried to save this and finish later but it's not letting me. i'm not gonna lose this one like the last so i'm gonna post what i have and hope it makes since. I'm hoping to fix my situation because i'm not one to give up. I'll be back.
To be continued...
We met and became friends over 10 years ago. We kinda saw each other on a social basis for about 2 years. He eventually told me that he felt we had more than a friendship. At the time i didn't see it at all and i told him we were too different. He had grown up in a healthy, normal family, where his mom and dad are still together and going strong. I grew up in a dysfunctional situation where there was abuse, both physical and sexual by my step-father for several years. I got married and divorced at a young age and had other children. He had been married and divorced but didn't have any kids. There was more that is too long to go into. Anyway, after a year of me saying no, he finally said fine and went on his way. We saw each other again about a year later and we talked alot and i had prayed for God to send the right person into my life. I'm sure he had done the same. We did get together eventually and all was fine.
We moved several hundred miles away to where his family lives and that was fine because they are awesome. However, i stayed home to raise our two kids that were under 3 years old. I didn't know anyone here because i had left all of my friends that i had known for for at least 15 years. I got lonely and he changed. He changed quickly from the person who wanted this relationship so much to someone who wanted to give me a hard time about things from the music i listened to, to vacuum(sp) cleaners. I didn't get it and i'm not one to just Shut it when someone is doing that to me. It would cause arguments and he would go to the bedroom and lock the door and stay for days. He was a person that liked his space when we met and that was one of my concerns about our being so different.
I tried to suck it up for the kids sake and continue to take care of my family. I was my usaul fun loving, easy going, self trying to make everyone else happy. It wasn't always like this but it would come at times and i just tryed to deal with it until things were better again. I totally didn't understand how he could change like that. He would've never talked to me or treated me the way he was before we moved because i would've been long gone. I know i'm far from perfect but i felt like i just got the bait and switch move and it was hard to deal with.
I'm not through with this but i have to leave for a couple of hours and i've tried to save this and finish later but it's not letting me. i'm not gonna lose this one like the last so i'm gonna post what i have and hope it makes since. I'm hoping to fix my situation because i'm not one to give up. I'll be back.
To be continued...
Josie, when you met his you both instinctively new you were very different when you stated, "At the time I didn't see it at all and I told him we were too different", so that should have been a red flag from the very beginning of different personalities to where you might conflict. Although you feel he was raised in a healthy environment and you in a dysfunctional environment, it does not mean that you have to live your life affected by your past. The past is the past, unless you feel that there are unresolved issues that you might need counseling to work through. Now that you both are married, true colors are surficing. You are seeing a side of him that you don't like and don't appreciate being spoken to in a harsh manner. Also, for him to angre and lock himself in the room for days shows that he is the type of person who hold grudges and doesn't let it go. We all need our space, but you are now married and communication is key in the relationship, not locking yourself in a room for day's...it's also childish. It looks like the marrige in entering a "rut" situation and problems will probably escalate. I will wait to hear the rest in order to give you my opinion on the situation, but it looks like it's going in the direction of communication problems, instead of discussing the issues, you mutually say hurtful things to each other and I see possibly marriage counseling if necessary...I will wait for the rest...Judy
Thanks for your input. I have mentioned counseling and i'm sure that's what we need to do. I'm going to contact our church and hopefully we can start there. I want to start out by saying that he has more great qualities going for him and i just want to work this out and get some perspective on it. I don't want to make him feel like he's just gotta live like this and i don't want to either.
When we moved everything was fine for about a year. We did alot of stuff together like walking the river trails, playing tennis, volunteering with Habitat for Humanity, volunteering in the preschool classroom for our kids. He works construction so there were times when he had a couple of days off here and there. I stayed home to raise our kids. The winters were kinda hard because it rained alot here and he usually took off for two weeks during Christmas. That's when he got really weird and moody.
I had a birthday party one year for our kids and that was a week before Christmas. The party was at a Chuck E Cheese and everyone had a good time. My nephew wanted to come home with us and spend the night. He stayed at least once or twice a week. My husband had made a wooden see-saw that was outside and the kids were out there playing on it. At about 10pm i told them to come in because they were loud and i didn't want to disturb the neighbors. By this time my husband had come in and went to bed leaving me to deal with them outside because he had been out there with them. I had just put my daughter to bed and was cleaning up.
When i went out and told them to come in, my nephew said "we don't have to cause he said we could stay out here" my son knew better but they just kept going. I came in and told my husband to tell them to come in, and since he told them they could stay outside, they weren't listening to me. I admit by this time i was pretty frustrated and it showed. I went into the bedroom and told him to fix it and he told me to deal with it. I told him to get up cause he needed to tell them to come in. He jumped up out of bed and was almost running towards the door.
He grabbed me and shoved me into our stove that was in the kitchen, to get by. He had never done that before! When he pushed me, i grabbed him by the t-shirt. I grabbed him by the neck of the t-shirt and ripped it. Then we got into a full blown argument. I was hurt because he pushed me. He ran to the bedroom and locked the door and i had had enough of running to the bedroom and locking the door, so i kicked the door open and broke the lock. It wasn't long until the police showed up. They came in and saw that my husband had a scratch on his neck from me grabbing him by the shirt. I went to jail for spousal abuse, I was in there for 3 days. On the night of the arrest one of the female officers told me to take my wedding ring off and put it in a plastic bag. They had one hand behind my back and told me to sling my ring in the bag with my other hand as they had loosened it half way down my finger. I did it and she said i did it with an attitude. So the next thing i knew they had thrown me face down on the concrete and broke my nose. Blood was everywhere and all in my hair. I had an attorney that helped me. I was more concerned with getting home in time so my kids could have a nice Christmas, which they did.
Why did that have to happen? Why couldn't he just help me that night? I felt so embarassed in front of his family but they never let me. His mom and dad went to court with me as my husband didn't press charges that nite but they didn't care.
This is just one of the situations. Now you know why i leave when we get into it!
When we moved everything was fine for about a year. We did alot of stuff together like walking the river trails, playing tennis, volunteering with Habitat for Humanity, volunteering in the preschool classroom for our kids. He works construction so there were times when he had a couple of days off here and there. I stayed home to raise our kids. The winters were kinda hard because it rained alot here and he usually took off for two weeks during Christmas. That's when he got really weird and moody.
I had a birthday party one year for our kids and that was a week before Christmas. The party was at a Chuck E Cheese and everyone had a good time. My nephew wanted to come home with us and spend the night. He stayed at least once or twice a week. My husband had made a wooden see-saw that was outside and the kids were out there playing on it. At about 10pm i told them to come in because they were loud and i didn't want to disturb the neighbors. By this time my husband had come in and went to bed leaving me to deal with them outside because he had been out there with them. I had just put my daughter to bed and was cleaning up.
When i went out and told them to come in, my nephew said "we don't have to cause he said we could stay out here" my son knew better but they just kept going. I came in and told my husband to tell them to come in, and since he told them they could stay outside, they weren't listening to me. I admit by this time i was pretty frustrated and it showed. I went into the bedroom and told him to fix it and he told me to deal with it. I told him to get up cause he needed to tell them to come in. He jumped up out of bed and was almost running towards the door.
He grabbed me and shoved me into our stove that was in the kitchen, to get by. He had never done that before! When he pushed me, i grabbed him by the t-shirt. I grabbed him by the neck of the t-shirt and ripped it. Then we got into a full blown argument. I was hurt because he pushed me. He ran to the bedroom and locked the door and i had had enough of running to the bedroom and locking the door, so i kicked the door open and broke the lock. It wasn't long until the police showed up. They came in and saw that my husband had a scratch on his neck from me grabbing him by the shirt. I went to jail for spousal abuse, I was in there for 3 days. On the night of the arrest one of the female officers told me to take my wedding ring off and put it in a plastic bag. They had one hand behind my back and told me to sling my ring in the bag with my other hand as they had loosened it half way down my finger. I did it and she said i did it with an attitude. So the next thing i knew they had thrown me face down on the concrete and broke my nose. Blood was everywhere and all in my hair. I had an attorney that helped me. I was more concerned with getting home in time so my kids could have a nice Christmas, which they did.
Why did that have to happen? Why couldn't he just help me that night? I felt so embarassed in front of his family but they never let me. His mom and dad went to court with me as my husband didn't press charges that nite but they didn't care.
This is just one of the situations. Now you know why i leave when we get into it!
I am so very sorry at the terrible experiences that you have had, your husband pushing you which is unexceptable and this is just a small sign that that future arguments will lead to violence and what happend in the police station was tramatic to say the least! I hope you got your ring back and yes, I would sue for the broken nose (excesive, unecessary force and injury). I also agree with you that he should have been more sensitive to you and just tell the kids to come. Josie, you need to take full control of the kids to respect you and when you say, "come in right now", they will automatically, without questions come in. The don't respect your authority and that has to change.
Josie, I think talking to a priest or counselor is a fantastic ideat and a great start. They are trained for marital problems and how best to deal with them in the eyes of the church and trained counselor.
I also would like you to be real realistic to your situation and the priest/counselor will help with this and if he behavior continues and counseling reaches a point with no change, you will have to serious think about do you want to continue in this relationship. I wish you the best. I feel you are a good person and have a good head on your shoulder, but there has to be a better way for you and your husband to communicate and discuss problems, without them escalating to violence or potential violence. Also, protect the children from seeing mom and dad fight and argue. Their environment should be a healthy one and of of growth without the stress from the adults. Judy
Josie, I think talking to a priest or counselor is a fantastic ideat and a great start. They are trained for marital problems and how best to deal with them in the eyes of the church and trained counselor.
I also would like you to be real realistic to your situation and the priest/counselor will help with this and if he behavior continues and counseling reaches a point with no change, you will have to serious think about do you want to continue in this relationship. I wish you the best. I feel you are a good person and have a good head on your shoulder, but there has to be a better way for you and your husband to communicate and discuss problems, without them escalating to violence or potential violence. Also, protect the children from seeing mom and dad fight and argue. Their environment should be a healthy one and of of growth without the stress from the adults. Judy
Maybe i should journal this, but i have to get this out instead of continuing to hold it all inside. I'm at a place where i've got to do something because i've just gone on after each argument and things go back to the way they were. It's Very difficult to talk to him because he see's things as someone's fault and he can never admit that he might be contributing to this. He wants me to take responsibility for everything that's happening, he wants me to apologize to him and admit that it's my fault. When it is i don't have a problem doing it, i've often apologized to keep the peace.
I mentioned the situation in the other post that i've had a hard time with because it was one of the big things on top of the loneliness i was dealing with. I tried to work my way through it and to just get over it. I decided eventually to go back to school after my kids were in school. I wanted to get a good job. I went back full-time at the college in my area. I was there for about 3 years and got the degree i wanted. I wanted to find a job that worked around my kids school schedule because i still wanted to be here for them. I bought a new computer because i needed one and the one we had was old and outdated. My husband was into computers when i met him but wasn't on it much when we moved because we didn't have internet. We stayed busy doing other things.
He got back into the computer after i bought the new one. I didn't see him much after that because pretty much every waking moment was spent there when he wasn't working. I didn't say anything because i knew that was an interest of his and he was working on getting a business going. It was something we had talked about often and i did and still do support that.
I thought it was important that we did something outside of family things with the kids, which we did alot of. I tried to set up date nights and his mom would watch the kids. We would go out for a nice dinner and it was like he wanted to rush and couldn't wait to get home. We would go home about 9 or 10pm and i would sit alone while he went to bed. It wasn't always like that but about 9 outa 10 times it was. We only went out maybe once a month before i just gave up on that idea. We did go out to dinner with the kids alot.
I got used to doing stuff alone or with the kids. I had been having a bottle of wine by myself after the kids went to bed, about twice a week. He would be on the computer into the early morning on weekends. He was part of a forum and had several acquaintances on there. He would get on there after work everyday. At that time he would have a beer and chat. I didn't have a problem with that until one day while he was in the shower, i looked at the conversation because something didn't seem right. He was talking with a girl in Colorado. I thought she was too friendly because she was saying stuff like "Hey hun, how was your day?" She would be having a glass of wine and they would talk for hours, sometimes until the early am!
One day after he went to work i decided to check it out. I looked in the recycle bin and found a conversation that he had saved. There were pages and pages of them flirting and talking intimately. My heart just sank and i kept looking and found that they had exchanged pictures. She sent him one of her in her wedding dress of all things, i guess she was going through a divorce. He had a picture i didn't recognize because he went to his dad and had him take it. I'm sure he didn't know what he was doing with it.
One night he walked past me with his beer after he'd been on there with her for hours. I confronted him about it then, and told him that i thought this whole thing was inappropriate. He told me to shut up and to crawl back into my wine bottle. I told him that was hypocritical of him to sit there for hours with her while she drank wine! He just ignored me. I felt like throwing that computer down the stairs. He then told me nothing was going on and he wanted me to get on there and talk to her. I said okay, let me on there cause i want to talk to her. I couldn't hide my anger and frustration and i said a few things to her when he wasn't in the room. I asked her why she felt the need to send a picture of herself in her weddind dress. I told her to go find another married guy. She got mad and said "you are crazy"...hmmm, it sounded like some stuff he had been saying. He came back and she told him she was leaving the forum and she wouldn't talk to him anymore because it was causing problems.
He begged her not to go and please stay and let things stay as they had. He told me to get on there and apologize to her. I said you've got to be kidding! I apologized for the way i said some of the things i said but i wasn't sorry for confronting her about it. Well, she left and as far as i know he didn't talk to her cause she just left the forum. However, he still had her email address so who knows.
Well, i felt myself changing from the outgoing, fun loving, people person, to this isolated, depressed person. I always cared about taking care of my house and kids, and my family. My house was always clean and my kids were taken of. They were doing great in school and i was always really close to their teachers. I tried to hide everything that was happening at home. I had a hard time finding a job because the depression had started to affect me. I just didn't have the energy i once had. Needless to say, that forum relationship affected me and my husband too. Eventually we didn't have any physical contact. I finally gave him the bedroom he was so fond of and i just started sleeping somewhere else. I know this isn't healthy because now my kids see it.
I'm having a hard time now because i'm just not the same person. I feel emotionally beat down. My house is a mess now, where it was always clean and put together. I always made sure that i took care of myself, i think i've done that for me. I liked fashion and i wanted to look good. Now i don't go anywhere so it's hard. My kids are older now and it breaks my heart because all they remember is the way it is now. They can barely remember all the good years when we did fun stuff together.
Okay, well i have one more installment to this which will bring me back to my first post. This will be one of the main reasons for reaching out here, and maybe this will all come together. I know i need counseling but i also know that i need to talk about it because i want my life back.
I mentioned the situation in the other post that i've had a hard time with because it was one of the big things on top of the loneliness i was dealing with. I tried to work my way through it and to just get over it. I decided eventually to go back to school after my kids were in school. I wanted to get a good job. I went back full-time at the college in my area. I was there for about 3 years and got the degree i wanted. I wanted to find a job that worked around my kids school schedule because i still wanted to be here for them. I bought a new computer because i needed one and the one we had was old and outdated. My husband was into computers when i met him but wasn't on it much when we moved because we didn't have internet. We stayed busy doing other things.
He got back into the computer after i bought the new one. I didn't see him much after that because pretty much every waking moment was spent there when he wasn't working. I didn't say anything because i knew that was an interest of his and he was working on getting a business going. It was something we had talked about often and i did and still do support that.
I thought it was important that we did something outside of family things with the kids, which we did alot of. I tried to set up date nights and his mom would watch the kids. We would go out for a nice dinner and it was like he wanted to rush and couldn't wait to get home. We would go home about 9 or 10pm and i would sit alone while he went to bed. It wasn't always like that but about 9 outa 10 times it was. We only went out maybe once a month before i just gave up on that idea. We did go out to dinner with the kids alot.
I got used to doing stuff alone or with the kids. I had been having a bottle of wine by myself after the kids went to bed, about twice a week. He would be on the computer into the early morning on weekends. He was part of a forum and had several acquaintances on there. He would get on there after work everyday. At that time he would have a beer and chat. I didn't have a problem with that until one day while he was in the shower, i looked at the conversation because something didn't seem right. He was talking with a girl in Colorado. I thought she was too friendly because she was saying stuff like "Hey hun, how was your day?" She would be having a glass of wine and they would talk for hours, sometimes until the early am!
One day after he went to work i decided to check it out. I looked in the recycle bin and found a conversation that he had saved. There were pages and pages of them flirting and talking intimately. My heart just sank and i kept looking and found that they had exchanged pictures. She sent him one of her in her wedding dress of all things, i guess she was going through a divorce. He had a picture i didn't recognize because he went to his dad and had him take it. I'm sure he didn't know what he was doing with it.
One night he walked past me with his beer after he'd been on there with her for hours. I confronted him about it then, and told him that i thought this whole thing was inappropriate. He told me to shut up and to crawl back into my wine bottle. I told him that was hypocritical of him to sit there for hours with her while she drank wine! He just ignored me. I felt like throwing that computer down the stairs. He then told me nothing was going on and he wanted me to get on there and talk to her. I said okay, let me on there cause i want to talk to her. I couldn't hide my anger and frustration and i said a few things to her when he wasn't in the room. I asked her why she felt the need to send a picture of herself in her weddind dress. I told her to go find another married guy. She got mad and said "you are crazy"...hmmm, it sounded like some stuff he had been saying. He came back and she told him she was leaving the forum and she wouldn't talk to him anymore because it was causing problems.
He begged her not to go and please stay and let things stay as they had. He told me to get on there and apologize to her. I said you've got to be kidding! I apologized for the way i said some of the things i said but i wasn't sorry for confronting her about it. Well, she left and as far as i know he didn't talk to her cause she just left the forum. However, he still had her email address so who knows.
Well, i felt myself changing from the outgoing, fun loving, people person, to this isolated, depressed person. I always cared about taking care of my house and kids, and my family. My house was always clean and my kids were taken of. They were doing great in school and i was always really close to their teachers. I tried to hide everything that was happening at home. I had a hard time finding a job because the depression had started to affect me. I just didn't have the energy i once had. Needless to say, that forum relationship affected me and my husband too. Eventually we didn't have any physical contact. I finally gave him the bedroom he was so fond of and i just started sleeping somewhere else. I know this isn't healthy because now my kids see it.
I'm having a hard time now because i'm just not the same person. I feel emotionally beat down. My house is a mess now, where it was always clean and put together. I always made sure that i took care of myself, i think i've done that for me. I liked fashion and i wanted to look good. Now i don't go anywhere so it's hard. My kids are older now and it breaks my heart because all they remember is the way it is now. They can barely remember all the good years when we did fun stuff together.
Okay, well i have one more installment to this which will bring me back to my first post. This will be one of the main reasons for reaching out here, and maybe this will all come together. I know i need counseling but i also know that i need to talk about it because i want my life back.
So many women are in the same situation as you where it's hard to talk to the husband or b/f and they have a way of making it look as if it is your fault. I understand and I've been there too. It a great Idea to just come here and simply talk and express your thoughts and feeling about what's going on in your life and to get different perspectives. You can also maintain a personal journal here too, which helps.
It's also sad that here you have a full family, husband and kids, yet you still feel lonely, because you don't feel acknowledged or appreciated. I so glad that you have goals also, going back to school and earning your degree. Higher Educatoin will definately increase your income and if anything happens, you can make it on your own. The new computer is definately an investment for you, husband and the children.
By the way, I'm glad you confronted your husband in regards to that chick in Colorado and I would be damned if I would have apologized to her...hell no and sending a picture of herself in her wedding dress...you have got to be kidding me! I would have removed the computer completely and told him that since he couldn't be trusted, you have "confiscated" the computer, until he can prove to you that he can be trusted online again and don't care how much he would have rant and raged over it.
You have definately been beaten down as you stated and his behavior and your depression have changed the dynamics of the relationship and sleeping in seperate rooms is the beginning of problems ahead. I think you have made the first step, to acknowledge that their are problems that need to be addressed with a 3 party as intervension. You are smart, articulate, write well and it's been a please communicating with you and I completely understand how you feel. Keep us all posted on how you are both coming along and counseling is the best way to begin to heal you both. Hugs, Judy
It's also sad that here you have a full family, husband and kids, yet you still feel lonely, because you don't feel acknowledged or appreciated. I so glad that you have goals also, going back to school and earning your degree. Higher Educatoin will definately increase your income and if anything happens, you can make it on your own. The new computer is definately an investment for you, husband and the children.
By the way, I'm glad you confronted your husband in regards to that chick in Colorado and I would be damned if I would have apologized to her...hell no and sending a picture of herself in her wedding dress...you have got to be kidding me! I would have removed the computer completely and told him that since he couldn't be trusted, you have "confiscated" the computer, until he can prove to you that he can be trusted online again and don't care how much he would have rant and raged over it.
You have definately been beaten down as you stated and his behavior and your depression have changed the dynamics of the relationship and sleeping in seperate rooms is the beginning of problems ahead. I think you have made the first step, to acknowledge that their are problems that need to be addressed with a 3 party as intervension. You are smart, articulate, write well and it's been a please communicating with you and I completely understand how you feel. Keep us all posted on how you are both coming along and counseling is the best way to begin to heal you both. Hugs, Judy
Judy, you are right about our kids having and showing respect. I will say that they have pretty much always been respectful and loving. They are doing great. They are in high school now and doing really good. They have kept their grades up to at least 3.0 and my daughter is an honor student, my son is right there too. They each have their own learning styles and i've always told them it's not a competition, compete with yourself and do better when you can. I don't pressure them because i want them to love education and so far they're doing okay. She's already planning her college career and my son is enjoying the moment i guess.
The kids are older now and as you can see, the stuff i'm dealing with has been going on a long time. I've always been close to them and we usually go out together, just the three of us. We usually go out to dinner once a week or so and i also either take my son or my daughter out to dinner alone, so we can have the one on one time to talk. My daughter has told me that she feels rejected by my husband because he will do stuff with our son alot. I know that he doesn't do it on purpose because he isn't like that. He was a great dad to them when they were small and still is.
There was one Christmas morning when my daughter was about 12. They came out early to open presents and i had put 2 of their largest presents side by side. My son had a skateboard in one so it was kinda big. When my daughter came out, she saw the boxes and his was slightly larger so she said "hey, why do you always get the big ones?" She was joking and i knew it! My husband snapped on her and told her how ungrateful she was and a few other things. She just sat there and i know she wanted to cry and leave the room but she just tried to let it go. I tried to comfort her quietly without drawing any more attention to it. It was so quiet in there and that really put a damper on a good time for the kids cause it was awkward.
She later told me that she just shut down with him. As the kids got older he would always ask my son if he wanted to go for a bike ride, when he used to ask them both. Sometimes he would ask her but it became less and less. He could be sitting at the kitchen table reading after dinner and my daughter would be sitting there too and he would be into his book. My son could walk into the room and he'd be like "hey, how's it going?" She said she just felt like she was invisible to him. He would take my son out to In-n-Out and they would eat lunch there. I'm all for them having a good father son relationship. I love our kids and i know he does too.
My daughter saw what was happening with me and him and she said it was hard to watch. She said she understood because she had felt neglected for a long time. This breaks my heart because i don't know what to do. One time i tried to talk to him about it cause there's many times he's walked in and give our son a hug and she would just stand there feeling awkward. He said that it wasn't true so he did try a couple of times to reach out and she asked me why i told him. She said it's not the same if you have to ask him to do it. So we have just left that one alone too. We don't bother him with wanting any time together anymore.
In my first post, i mentioned that we got into an argument. It was ridiculous! I had picked the kids up from school and on the way home my daughter told me there were alot of sick kids at school. She said that she didn't want to get it and miss any school. I told them to do what they usually do, come home and wash their hands, put on purell, and change clothes. When we got in the house they went to wash their hands, etc. My daughter asked if her boyfriend could come over for awhile and i said okay. They usually end up in my son's room playing video games.
My son said he didn't want to change clothes since he was coming over. I told him i had just washed all of his sheets, comforter, etc and i didn't want school clothes on there especially since the flu was going around school. I told him i had just washed his jeans and t-shirts and he could put on some clean clothes. My husband was standing there in the kitchen and jumped in the conversation and said, "why can't he just leave on what he's wearing?" then he called me a "crazy germaphobe." i told him the school had called the house about a week ago and said a student had the H1N1 virus. I told him i was just trying to take care of our kids.
My kids have never disrespected me and now my husband is teaching my son to do it. I heard my son and daughter fighting then, and my son was treating her like my husband treats me. That night i ended up leaving for a few hours because i knew better than to stay and argue in front of the kids. The next morning i was taking them to school and i went to give my son a hug, and he just stood there like he didn't want to hug me. I grabbed him really tight and told him i loved him. When they got home from school i pulled him aside and we sat and talked. I told him to tell me what was bothering him and he said it was hard to be in the middle. We talked it out until we were all good again. He told me he loved me and he apologized for arguing with me. Me and the kids ended up getting the stuff after all and they missed a couple of days of school. My husband didn't have much to say but he apologized for giving me a hard time.
Well, all is quiet now but i know there are some things i have to deal with. That's what i'm trying to do. WoW, this is alot! I hope it makes it when i hit send...here goes.
The kids are older now and as you can see, the stuff i'm dealing with has been going on a long time. I've always been close to them and we usually go out together, just the three of us. We usually go out to dinner once a week or so and i also either take my son or my daughter out to dinner alone, so we can have the one on one time to talk. My daughter has told me that she feels rejected by my husband because he will do stuff with our son alot. I know that he doesn't do it on purpose because he isn't like that. He was a great dad to them when they were small and still is.
There was one Christmas morning when my daughter was about 12. They came out early to open presents and i had put 2 of their largest presents side by side. My son had a skateboard in one so it was kinda big. When my daughter came out, she saw the boxes and his was slightly larger so she said "hey, why do you always get the big ones?" She was joking and i knew it! My husband snapped on her and told her how ungrateful she was and a few other things. She just sat there and i know she wanted to cry and leave the room but she just tried to let it go. I tried to comfort her quietly without drawing any more attention to it. It was so quiet in there and that really put a damper on a good time for the kids cause it was awkward.
She later told me that she just shut down with him. As the kids got older he would always ask my son if he wanted to go for a bike ride, when he used to ask them both. Sometimes he would ask her but it became less and less. He could be sitting at the kitchen table reading after dinner and my daughter would be sitting there too and he would be into his book. My son could walk into the room and he'd be like "hey, how's it going?" She said she just felt like she was invisible to him. He would take my son out to In-n-Out and they would eat lunch there. I'm all for them having a good father son relationship. I love our kids and i know he does too.
My daughter saw what was happening with me and him and she said it was hard to watch. She said she understood because she had felt neglected for a long time. This breaks my heart because i don't know what to do. One time i tried to talk to him about it cause there's many times he's walked in and give our son a hug and she would just stand there feeling awkward. He said that it wasn't true so he did try a couple of times to reach out and she asked me why i told him. She said it's not the same if you have to ask him to do it. So we have just left that one alone too. We don't bother him with wanting any time together anymore.
In my first post, i mentioned that we got into an argument. It was ridiculous! I had picked the kids up from school and on the way home my daughter told me there were alot of sick kids at school. She said that she didn't want to get it and miss any school. I told them to do what they usually do, come home and wash their hands, put on purell, and change clothes. When we got in the house they went to wash their hands, etc. My daughter asked if her boyfriend could come over for awhile and i said okay. They usually end up in my son's room playing video games.
My son said he didn't want to change clothes since he was coming over. I told him i had just washed all of his sheets, comforter, etc and i didn't want school clothes on there especially since the flu was going around school. I told him i had just washed his jeans and t-shirts and he could put on some clean clothes. My husband was standing there in the kitchen and jumped in the conversation and said, "why can't he just leave on what he's wearing?" then he called me a "crazy germaphobe." i told him the school had called the house about a week ago and said a student had the H1N1 virus. I told him i was just trying to take care of our kids.
My kids have never disrespected me and now my husband is teaching my son to do it. I heard my son and daughter fighting then, and my son was treating her like my husband treats me. That night i ended up leaving for a few hours because i knew better than to stay and argue in front of the kids. The next morning i was taking them to school and i went to give my son a hug, and he just stood there like he didn't want to hug me. I grabbed him really tight and told him i loved him. When they got home from school i pulled him aside and we sat and talked. I told him to tell me what was bothering him and he said it was hard to be in the middle. We talked it out until we were all good again. He told me he loved me and he apologized for arguing with me. Me and the kids ended up getting the stuff after all and they missed a couple of days of school. My husband didn't have much to say but he apologized for giving me a hard time.
Well, all is quiet now but i know there are some things i have to deal with. That's what i'm trying to do. WoW, this is alot! I hope it makes it when i hit send...here goes.
I know that i've written alot already but i just wanted to add something. I hope it doesn't just sound like i'm going off about my husband because that's not my intention. I'm trying something new by putting this out here so i can at least get it out of my system and hopefully find some answers in the process. Our situation wasn't always like this so i'm thinking if i can lay it out, maybe i can see where it started to go in the ditch. I want to get it back on the road. I have plenty of my own situations that i know contributed to this and i will own up to them.
I want to start by saying that my husband does more of the right things and i try to let him know how much he is appreciated. He works really hard to support his family and i know that. I've always let the kids know how fortunate they are to have a dad that's there for them. I'm pretty much resolved to work on my own stuff and if i'm alone in the process then that's the way it is.
I know that years ago when we started to go through our stuff i reacted out of frustration and then out of anger. That's when i said things to him i wished i hadn't. I eventually said things that i thought would push him away since he was already rejecting me, i gave him a reason to. He has managed to stay with it, when i might have bailed if i had to deal with my stuff. This is difficult because i didn't think we would be in this place. I trusted what he told me when we got together and our relationship seemed like a safe place. I'm an easy going, appreciative, giving person, that wants to give and make those around me happy. I don't understand when i don't get it back because i'm not asking for alot. I just want love and respect. I don't want to be somewhere i'm not wanted.
I hope i'm not making a bigger deal outa this than it is. I just want to be able to communicate when it's necessary without it turning into something. I can't help but think it goes deeper. I almost wonder if he has an issue with women in general. I'm gonna keep praying about this and i'm gonna take it day by day.
I want to start by saying that my husband does more of the right things and i try to let him know how much he is appreciated. He works really hard to support his family and i know that. I've always let the kids know how fortunate they are to have a dad that's there for them. I'm pretty much resolved to work on my own stuff and if i'm alone in the process then that's the way it is.
I know that years ago when we started to go through our stuff i reacted out of frustration and then out of anger. That's when i said things to him i wished i hadn't. I eventually said things that i thought would push him away since he was already rejecting me, i gave him a reason to. He has managed to stay with it, when i might have bailed if i had to deal with my stuff. This is difficult because i didn't think we would be in this place. I trusted what he told me when we got together and our relationship seemed like a safe place. I'm an easy going, appreciative, giving person, that wants to give and make those around me happy. I don't understand when i don't get it back because i'm not asking for alot. I just want love and respect. I don't want to be somewhere i'm not wanted.
I hope i'm not making a bigger deal outa this than it is. I just want to be able to communicate when it's necessary without it turning into something. I can't help but think it goes deeper. I almost wonder if he has an issue with women in general. I'm gonna keep praying about this and i'm gonna take it day by day.
It sounds as if you and your husband have done a great job with your kids and how they are doing in school. It's so important. Being in the honor role is such an accomplishment to be proud of. The Christmas incident with your daughter is the type of incident that can scar her and she will remember as a painful moment in her life. I truly belive that he just doesn't know how to treat girls. His son's comes natural, but not with the girl. My father was like that and he had 4.
Josie, I think you are very bright and I know good things will come your way, but stand your ground, make sure the kids listen and respect you and if counseling is what is needed to sort our problems in your marriage, so be it, but it is a few steps in the right direction....good nite..Judy
Josie, I think you are very bright and I know good things will come your way, but stand your ground, make sure the kids listen and respect you and if counseling is what is needed to sort our problems in your marriage, so be it, but it is a few steps in the right direction....good nite..Judy
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