Overseas holiday

[Michelle171]

Hey,
I'm just having a bit of an issue with my boyfriend. We've been going out for three years, and we've had some ups and downs. Recently, we've been planning a trip overseas, and it would be the first time for both of us and it means the world to me - its been a dream of mine to go travelling with him. Literally the day after we decide on a country, his friends plan a trip at the same time. Originally, we weren't even going to meet up with his friends, then we'd meet with them for one day, five days, and now the whole months holiday will be with them and I'm not even going anymore! Its so upsetting for me, it meant so much and it doesn mean the same for him. Last year, it was the same situation, he didn't want to travel over new years because he wanted to spent it with his friends. He always wants me to be there too, but I just feel like I'm second fiddle to his friends, and after three years I thought I'd mean more. I know that we're just different people - he's more friends based and I'm more relationship based - but I'm just not sure if I can handle the rejection.
I guess I'd just like any advice that anyone may have to offer. I'm a bit lost with how to feel at the moment.
Thanks XXX

[Michelle171]

Hi everyone,
Thanks again for your comments - I like being able to discuss it with people who aren't involved, its good to get an objective viewpoint.
The situation is a bit more complicated, the trip with his friends means a lot to him because their group is going to one of his best friend's homeland for the first time, and they've been friends for a long time now. So, I understand how much the holiday means to him, and thats why orginally we were going to meet up with them and not have it as the whole holiday.
I understand the comments you have made, and I think they are true. Many times in the relationship I feel I'm coming up againt what he wants to do, and there are things that he will never compromise on. At the moment, I am trying to finish my honours thesis, and all the upset & fighting has been a big distraction, and I've tried not to make any big decisions. At the same time, I find it hard to be around him because I do feel that he will never feel that way about me - that willingness to commit and do whatever it takes to make it work.
I'm only 22, so I'm not looking for marriage, but its difficult because my sister and one of my best friends are about to get engaged/married, and they are in such solid, loving relationships where the partners put in an effort to make it work. I just want him to not feel like its so hard to be with me, and I want to feel wanted again. I've lost all security in the relationship, and I used to always feel so well loved and cared for. I've become jealous and easily angered, but that is sourced from feelings of him not wanting to be with me.
He's one of those people that just doesnt want to change anything. I'm really against smoking - my parents have smoked for 30+ years and I am dreading the day they get bad health effects, and he knows how much it upsets me, yet he's smoking more and more, despite all the arguments and how I feel. I know so many boyfriends that have given up smoking for their girlfriends, and for such a small issue he wont compromise one bit - he wont even cut down.
Anyway, I'm going to try sort things out with him once my work has been handed in. I got distracted on this website reading the entries and it got me thinking about it again.
I'm not sure what to do about the holiday, I am looking into travel options alone becuase theres no way I want to be at home while he's travelling the world. I know we proably aren't right for each other, but from my side our problems seem so easily fixed if he just wanted to do things. My friend said the other night, that in good relationships the other person is always wanting the best for the other person. I do feel that he only wants the best for himself. He cares for me, and loves me very much, but I think I would always be ranked after himself and his friends.
I wish things could be easier! Its so complicated, I love him so much, and more than anything I just want him to feel the same way and I want us to be happy together and secure within the relationship. But I know I can't force it.
Thanks again for the comments XXX

[megochick101]

I agree with Judy and Jo, he still wants to go with his friends even after you communicated that you wanted this to be a special holiday between the two of you.

Your words "but he's been honest with me and said he'd rather go with his friends for the 20 days, and for me to come."

That statement right there says two things to me, it seems he wants you to come as an afterthought, like he would really rather be with his friends but since you're his gf, he's inviting you just because you are there, not really that he wants to spend time with you.

From what you've said, this is the order of his priorities: Him, His friends, THEN you, and if he was serious about you, it should be you before his friends but that is not the case. I would also like judy said remain low key, because you have already stressed your point and if you are already fighting he may feel like you are too needy and nagging if you keep talking about the trip. I completely understand why you feel upset, he is definitely choosing his friends over you and i would be hurt by this also. However, there is really nothing else you can do that will change his mind so you should just remain quiet about the situation and I would definitely go on the trip as well. If he just wants to do whatever his friends want, and doesn't want to spend much time with just you,  you can tell him that you'd like to spend some alone time with him, but if he just wants to go with his friends, forget about it and go out and have fun! Explore all the wonderful places you want to and take lots of pics and just enjoy begin on a trip! Just try and show your excitement about where you are and everything you  do and maybe he'll realize that he wants to spend more time with you, since you are having such a great time.

[Judy246]

sorry, me & my typos...I meant, "He is very selfish by putting HIS and his friends needs, before your.

[jo929]

If he wants to be with his friends rather than you, after 3 years that should tell you something, he will never put you first, and this is just my opinion but, i think that if i did not come first, then i , i ould move on, it looks like that may be what he wants, but then i have been known to be wrong, this is one decision that will have to be up to you move on or stay, and play second fiddle. i know that this hurts, i have been there  luck  jo

[Judy246]

If you have communicated with him how you feel and his response is that he would rather go with his friends for 20 day and you can come, I think you need to revaluate this relationship. He is very selfish by putting your his needs and friends, before you.

Also, you have admitted and are aware of the amount of "fighting" that you both have been having, this might also be main cause of why he want to get away from you. That is why it's important for couples instead of fighting, sit down at the right time and address and "discuss" issues and problems at hand.

Also, you did mention hassling him about it. This will only result him turning around and run as fast as he can away from you, but I'm glad that you are aware of this negative behavior.

I believe your problems are the fighting, hassling and lack proper ommunications (discussing not fighting) is a huge cause of him not wanting to be with you. Guys also don't like when women become too needy, it turns them off.  Right now, I would be low key, you have already expressed what your wants and needs and if he want to spend his time with his friends, so be it, but once it is all said and done, you need to re-evaluate if you want to be with someone who although cares about you, puts everyone else ahead of you and the relationship. Good luck...Judy

[Michelle171]

Thanks Jo and Judy for your comments. I've talked to him about it all a few times, and I've said how much it upsets me that he doesnt feel the same way, but he's been honest with me and said he'd rather go with his friends for the 20 days, and for me to come.

Because we've been fighting more, he's less certain that he wants to stay with me, so he's more happy to go with his friends where there wont be drama. Its hard because I want to be easy going about it, and I wish it didn't bother me, but I can't help it. I know that by hassling him about it, it will only make him not want to go with me more.

Things used to be so much better, he used to always want to be with me, but the dynamic has shifted. I want to just go and be independent from him, and not care what he does, but deep down I do care, and I do want to be with him. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but things like this just make me feel neglected - I just dont know what to do. I feel like I'm always waiting for things to get better, but they never do, and yet it would only take such a small effort on his part to make it work. I've said all of this to him before, but he just says he doesnt know and he doesnt want to change.

I get what your saying Judy, and I would have been happier to have gone on the holiday with his friends if it hadn't been in replacement of our own holiday together. And I dont think he'd give us quality time, I'm sure that we'd just end up doing whatever his friends want to do all the time.

I dont want to feel like a lead weight in his life. Is it so much to ask that after three years he'd actually want to go on a holiday with me?

[Judy246]

I had a international travel situation with my fiance last year. I was a Flight Attendant with ATA and have traveled quite a bit, but this trip was very special. My fiance and I discussed going to Paris and Lourdes France for 2 weeks and then he was unable to make it, because of his job. He's a Supervisor at Motorola and was on call 24/7 and was uncertain about the 2 wk trip. I made all the reservations and planning, but he told me he would not be able to go for that amount of time, but there was no reason why I should go.  I did go to Lourdes & Paris France without him (missed him, but I had a wonderful time in France as with a large group of friends also).

Upon my returned he picked me up at the airport and told me that he did feel a little hurt and jelous and I didn't blame him, but he expressed how he felt and I listened and we hope to make another trip together, just me and him.

It's really important that you communicate with your b/f in a manner that will not result in an argument. "Discuss" how you feel about wanting this trip to be special for both of you exclusively and he can meet with his friends at a later time, but that you want the trip to be about you and him. Tell him you feel second fiddle. Communication is key in a relationship now and in the long run, you want to be able to "discuss" all issues that bother you. Don't cancel on account of his friends. You can't stop them from going on any trip, but you make clear to your b/f that you want this trip to be quality time for you both.  Go and have a good time and if you know the friends, tell them also, so &so and I are going to take advantage of this trip to spend quality time together, so get the message now...he will be available to spend some time with you, but this trip will be about us.          Good luck!

[jo929]

Have you talked this over with him, and told him how you feel? if you tell him you would like for the two of you to go and he says no, then you will have an answer, as to just how much he cares for you.  luck  jo