Ready for pregnancy and baby

[Danin2]

I'm very ready for a baby and husband is nervous with all the changes to our like as a couple. Any advice to get husband on the baby band wagon?

[Nighthawk61]

I would ask him to see a marriage counselor. Time is ticking away and maybe he needs hear it from a unbias 3rd party.

[Nighthawk61]

Maybe you should talk to a therapist, and see if there was some way that you two could go in and talk about the possibility of appeasing his fears of not having enough.  It might be that a therapist could talk to him about the reality that waiting could end badly and that you both could miss out on something that you both want. It seems that he's not hearing you enough to act, maybe if he hears it from a third party, it might help. It might be that there are some underlying concerns that he's not even fully aware of in his subconscious that is holding him back. I know my own son (in his late 20's) is having difficulty thinking that he might be bringing a child into WWIII. with all the terrorism that's happening throughout the world, It could be that your husband's thoughts are being negatively affected the same way.

All the best, and let us know how things are. I think it would be reasonable for you to talk to a therapist about this. |This is your life journey as well and you deserve to be heard. If this is about money, and you feel you have enough security to plan on a family now, i think you need to talk about it now to someone that might be able to help.

[Danin2]

Thanks for the advice. However when I mentioned that I'm health I wasn't suggesting anything just that I don't have any medical issues with my fertility and conception. My husband does want children but he wants everything and wants goals to be met. To him he wants his finances in order. We love each other very much and well things don't always happen at the exact moment.

[Lee_1989]

PS: Something I've always been told on this topic, is that you'll never truly "be ready" for parenthood, because how can you be ready for the unknown? You can't wait till he's ready, or till you're ready, or anything else, otherwise it's not going to happen. And as I imagine myself as an old lady, looking back on my life, I know it would be incomplete without kids. As much as I'm dragging my feet on the same subject, I know it's something that needs to happen.

[Lee_1989]

I agree, you should ask him what "exactly" is holding him back, if it's not money. If he can't put his finger on it, my guess is he's just nervous about making such a huge life change. Some people become parents without thinking too much about it, some people wayyyy over think it (I'm in the over thinking camp, myself). It could be that he's over thinking it, and isn't sure he can make a lifelong commitment like that. In my opinion this is completely natural, and if having kids is REALLY important to your life's fulfillment, he's going to need lots of encouragement that everything is going to be just fine, and reminders of how important this is to you, and how excited you are to someday have a baby with him. He'll be on board before you know it!

[Londres70]

Yes, some couples have children, however, being married and healthy doesn't equate an obligation to have children.  He sounds like he isn't interested in having children at all.

I can't see how he is being selfish.  He's simply being honest with you.  When you weren't ready he didn't try to pressure you.  Correct?  

How are dialouging with him about this?  Is he telling you specifically his concerns?  Maybe if you can give us some specifics about the situation.........what exactly he is telling you?

I wouldn't recommend trying to become pregnant thinking it will change his mind.  He could resent you for doing that.  

Have another chat with him and get definite answers about this, but don't pressure him.

[specialmom]

Hi there. Well, you need to check in regarding his desire to have kids at all.  If he no longer wishes to have kids, I'm not sure what you'll do.  I'd not have kids with someone that didn't want to be a father.  I'm a parent.  I'd all encompassing.  I love every minute of it but could fathom doing it if I hadn't desired this all along.  He may be nervous or he may have decided parenting isn't for him.  You need to figure out which it is.  If he doesn't want to be a dad, I can't recommend ignoring that and forcing kids on him.  I just can't---  

But if he is nervous, I'd talk to him about tick tock, you're upper 30's.  It gets harder from now on in terms of conception, carrying the baby, etc.  Maternal and paternal ages do matter.  I think more and more have kids upwards of 40 but after 40, having your first child is a rarity from my observation unless you have intervention such as IVF.  Some do, but most need help.  

Anyway, it's a big decision that two people really should be in agreement on so find out exactly where he is at on it and go from there.  good luck

[clement4now]

Hi,
Some guys feel nervous about the subject of starting a family for a number of reasons: feeling incompetent around babies/small children, feeling pressured financially, fear of losing personal space or freedom, and possibly scared of being a failure as a parent.  If I were you, I would definitely find out if he is still even interested in having children.  Find out from him, what his worries and concerns are regarding starting a family.  Ask him if he's willing to consider having children in the near future, say within a year or so?  Since both of you are in your 30's, and have been married for more than a few years, I don't think this would be too much to ask of him.  If he is on board with the idea, let him know that you two are a team! Reassure him that he won't be alone to handle all the good times, responsibilities, and pitfalls of parenting ~  that you'll be right there with him. When you decide on becoming parents, both of you will be creating a family legacy; it's an exciting journey and there is never a dull moment :)

[Danin2]

Thanks for your advice. We've been married over 6 years and in our upper 30's. When we were dated he wanted children and I wasn't ready. Now the opinions have changed. Both our jobs are secure, but he's moved up with his career 2 years ago and he wants more in life. I've wanted a baby for 2-3 years and have been bringing up the topic more in a year.  As a married couple, it's what people do. We are both healthy and there shouldn't be anything preventing us from doing that in the chapter in our life as a couple. It's wrong to be selfish on his end!

[Londres70]

How old are you two?  

Did he feel this way prior to your two getting married?  

Is he just not keen on having a baby now or just doesn't want children ever?

If he isn't on the "baby band wagon" I wouldn't recommend trying to get him on it.  I think you should respect his wishes and appreciate the fact that he has been honest about his feelings in regards to having a baby now..........he is not ready and he may never be ready.  Time will tell.

Babies do change the dynamics of a relationship and some are afraid it could change things in a negative sense.  Some can handle the changes and some have a difficult time with the changes..............difficult to say which way it would go for you.  I think the more solid the relationship is the better couples can deal with the changes, but that's no guarantee.  

How long have you two been together?  Have you had or have any significant problems in your relationship?  

Bottom line.............you BOTH have to feel ready and be ready for this.  There is no good way in my opinion to steer him in the direction you want.  I just wouldn't press the issue.  If you pressure him it could backfire.