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Revelation has Devastated me...
I have butterflies in my stomach - feel my partner just dropped a bombshell... I was reading some posts about partners with previous sexual encounters on here, and asked my man if he was his ex's First. Stupid to ask, I know, but she is a woman he had a relationship with for 13 years before me, when he left her, he kept her involved in our relationship by meeting up with her etc to be ammicable and 'friendly'... So, ok, I have ''issues'' with her, understandably - I think it's because he was with her so long, and he often prioritised her before when we were starting out by meeting up just to keep her happy. Bla bla. It really bothered me but I always bottled it up, and I often felt he respected me less than her etc, and now, even though he doesn't have any contact with her, there's something about her that REALLY bothers me. When I think of his relationship with her, or something triggers things about them in my head - my whole body feels like a car has just hit it and I feel completely floored. It may sound dumb but if you knew what I'd been through with regards to her, you would understand...
So I asked him - was he her First, he replies I don't know!! I knew he was lying, and pressed the question, so he says Yes!!
I'm devastated she is able to remember him as her first...!! He also can say to himself she meant a lot because he took her Virginity. You know, ''you never forget your first''. For some reason I am so devastated knowing this.
I have only just got over things and have felt us moving on from what's haunted me in our relationship. So now it feels like I am back at square one again,
What can I do?
So I asked him - was he her First, he replies I don't know!! I knew he was lying, and pressed the question, so he says Yes!!
I'm devastated she is able to remember him as her first...!! He also can say to himself she meant a lot because he took her Virginity. You know, ''you never forget your first''. For some reason I am so devastated knowing this.
I have only just got over things and have felt us moving on from what's haunted me in our relationship. So now it feels like I am back at square one again,
What can I do?
Please just try to stay positive. He comes home to you ,not her. I know its easier to say and think that than actually feel that though. It is an awkward thing to think about and it makes people feel bummed thinking about things like that. But, if you were not a virgin when you both got together, then I'm sure he might feel the same? Or if you were a virgin then I'm sure he is thankful that you chose him. This is how my boyfriend and I get through our tough times. Once a month, at the end of the month, we have a "date night". We stay home, the phone does not get answered. The computer stays off. We make dinner together. We each make the other some kind of simple dessert. Strawberry bowls, fruit salad, and sometimes we pick up those single serving microwaveable cakes. After we eat, for about 20 minutes we talk. We say "I'm thankful for you/I appreciate you because.....(fill in the blank)" Then we watch movies or whatever. I really think this helps us, because when I am feeling down about something, I can think back and say "Oh, he loves me and he is thankful for this, or he appreciated that." This is something only him and I have. It's more intimate than sex. I love it because he never did this with another woman, and I have never done it with another man.
i really dont think its that big of a deal. so he took someones virginity. you have children by another man if im correct. i saw a post by you that says your not and have not been with the father in awhile.
he deals with that. my boyfriends did not loose their virginity to me and i didnt loose it to them. i knew they lost it someone else. as they knew i lost it to someone else. if your going to be worried about him having that "connection" with his ex. your going to have PLENTY more things that are going to eat you up. im sure hes done other things with her he hasnt done with you. but shes his PAST
It's kinda funny when you think I earlier posted advice to another girl telling her to think about the positives of her relationship and realise the ex's are in the past... well it's fair to say that it's much harder to put into practice when faced with things that really floor you associated with ex's. The thing is he's done so much more with her than me, unlike what you described - we're only a year into our relationship but he was engaged to her within the first year of their relationship, he eventually married her, he took her virginity ---- it's a lot to accept, especially when she was forced upon me by my partner early on into our relationship, just because it was important to him to be pleasant... she's someone I've tried so hard to forget about. I've given myself to this man more than I have ever anyone else, so much so that it is unbearable to think of him as a devoted husband to another woman. I feel so unlucky to have found the ideal man and to discover he has been the ideal to someone else before me. I feel like second helpings - she has the satisfaction of saying he was her first, she was his first wife, he took her on surprise holidays first. It's like playing second fiddle... It *****!!
I know it sounds petty compared to the other problems on here but I feel trapped with frustration having to put up with a partner who has a huge history with another woman. They didn't even have kids together but I still feel like she takes over my life on times.
I know it sounds petty compared to the other problems on here but I feel trapped with frustration having to put up with a partner who has a huge history with another woman. They didn't even have kids together but I still feel like she takes over my life on times.
Intuition is something that you should listen to. Are you feeling that there may be more contact between the two of them? Or is it unresolved issues with them meeting during the start of your relationship. I really feel you should resolve these issues, or you will never find peace inside.
I think you are right to suggest the issues are unresolved from the way he was with her during the start of our relationship. I've tried resolving them - trying to forget but bottling things up kills me... we then argue about it all as he thinks I'm having a go. But honestly, I hate the arguments, so don't bring it up enough to resolve.
I knew he wasn't a virgin before me - that was obvious, but it's finding out he took ''her'' virginity - the woman who has wrecked my happiness in so many ways. I wouldn't care if it was someone else, but it's like one thing after the other with him and her, and when I find out things they are always the worst - what I didn't want to hear...
I shouldn't ask, but it's like, I ask in hope he'll answer to what I hope I'll hear - like being reassured because what I'm thinking I've got to vent. I ask coz I need to know at that moment to stop my mind freaking out, but then I am devastated by what I hear because he gives the truth if I ask enough. But its always what I wouldn't want to know.
I'm anything but at peace.... how I can accept a man with this much history with another particular woman, I don't know.
My stomach is in knots - not just the taken virginity but everything floods back : (
I knew he wasn't a virgin before me - that was obvious, but it's finding out he took ''her'' virginity - the woman who has wrecked my happiness in so many ways. I wouldn't care if it was someone else, but it's like one thing after the other with him and her, and when I find out things they are always the worst - what I didn't want to hear...
I shouldn't ask, but it's like, I ask in hope he'll answer to what I hope I'll hear - like being reassured because what I'm thinking I've got to vent. I ask coz I need to know at that moment to stop my mind freaking out, but then I am devastated by what I hear because he gives the truth if I ask enough. But its always what I wouldn't want to know.
I'm anything but at peace.... how I can accept a man with this much history with another particular woman, I don't know.
My stomach is in knots - not just the taken virginity but everything floods back : (
She took it in the early part of our relationship especially - she demanded his time and got it. I wasn't his priority then... it was about pleasing her. It's as though it's all left me with demons, or I'm tormented by everything...
Do you think I am my own worst enemy?
Do you think I am my own worst enemy?
i would say your your own wost enemy but you said he was with this woman for 13 years or something? him moving on they have history and shes prob just his like best friend. ya know? maybe hes hers and thats why shes demanding his time. if he was big on pleasing her and not you when you two started this relationship then maybe there is somethign more....
Kate, you don't want a man who hasn't ever had a sexual relationship with anyone else. Guys like that have no perspective, and no context. Also, they kind of are antisocial.
If you can enjoy your boyfriend and embrace him, let him go. He deserves someone who isn't all wrapped around the axle with angst and panic about his previous relationship.
If you can enjoy your boyfriend and embrace him, let him go. He deserves someone who isn't all wrapped around the axle with angst and panic about his previous relationship.
past relationships should not matter, but 13years is quite a long time, moving on is a concept on it's on, I believe that when 2 people separate that should be it, especially if someone else is involved, being with someone and calling him your man or your woman should be something that no one should be allowed to get in between, especially if there is history, I don't think I could deal with that, and maybe I'm saying that cause I've never been in the situation, but you can't move on if you looking too much behind you and that goes for both you guys, him with her, and you with the way things started between you guys, but thats just my view
In fact I am not that way the majority of the time. I am a very loving partner to him. However I have had that woman rammed down my throat from the moment my partner and I were together. She made sure she did Everything she could to remain a part of his life and he just let her - disrespecting me and our relationship. She has even called my children b*stards because my partner is not their biological father, and he still took her calls after she said that. So I'm a little **Bitter** to say the very least. And yes it's hard being reminded about her during this relationship.
I made a mistake to ask him a personal question about his past, just like curiosity killed the cat, but hey, that's human nature - we are all, whether we admit it or not, curious about our partners and often curious about their past experiences.
Also this woman isn't just anyone, she is one that has hurt me so much with her coneiving ways and my man let her get away with coming between us.
I suppose I'm annoyed HE took her virginity - a kind of vigil of how much their relationship will always have some importance. Like I say it's not the fact he wasn't a virgin before me, its another upsetting story, FOR ME, in the saga that is ''my partner and his ex''.
I made a mistake to ask him a personal question about his past, just like curiosity killed the cat, but hey, that's human nature - we are all, whether we admit it or not, curious about our partners and often curious about their past experiences.
Also this woman isn't just anyone, she is one that has hurt me so much with her coneiving ways and my man let her get away with coming between us.
I suppose I'm annoyed HE took her virginity - a kind of vigil of how much their relationship will always have some importance. Like I say it's not the fact he wasn't a virgin before me, its another upsetting story, FOR ME, in the saga that is ''my partner and his ex''.
Thankyou for understanding - yes I am convinced I hold this tremendous grudge because when we were together he did anything but seperate from her for good.
And it was the build up of events, insults from her, him meeting up with her, one time I was left waiting in the cold for him to come back from meeting her for him to ''sort things out'' and he was gone for four hours instead of two, that have led to all these insecurities. I've even had to endure stories of their holidays etc, because he used to think it was acceptable to talk about her as he thought one day we could all be friends. All in all it's taken it out of me. You never expect having to put up with things like that in a relationship. I suppose I hoped it would evetually stop and that would be it. But even though it stopped it's like I'm affected by it still, even now... I am not typically this jealous or insecure so it must be what I went through.
And it was the build up of events, insults from her, him meeting up with her, one time I was left waiting in the cold for him to come back from meeting her for him to ''sort things out'' and he was gone for four hours instead of two, that have led to all these insecurities. I've even had to endure stories of their holidays etc, because he used to think it was acceptable to talk about her as he thought one day we could all be friends. All in all it's taken it out of me. You never expect having to put up with things like that in a relationship. I suppose I hoped it would evetually stop and that would be it. But even though it stopped it's like I'm affected by it still, even now... I am not typically this jealous or insecure so it must be what I went through.
''If you can['t] enjoy your boyfriend and embrace him, let him go. He deserves someone who isn't all wrapped around the axle with angst and panic about his previous relationship.''
- Fair enough - if he didn't keep his ex IN his past !!
- People only deserves to answer for their own actions !! - especially when they affect loved ones around them. To at least give me some justifiaction why he kept her presence very much alive in our realtionship. Surely I am ''allowed'' to feel some annoyance towards him...
But your life is obviously perfect. No offence intended here RockRose, but you give advice that always comes with a downside - usually criticism and maybe an insult. Its a shame you can never seem to give someone a positive outlook - a little hope would be appreciated.
- Fair enough - if he didn't keep his ex IN his past !!
- People only deserves to answer for their own actions !! - especially when they affect loved ones around them. To at least give me some justifiaction why he kept her presence very much alive in our realtionship. Surely I am ''allowed'' to feel some annoyance towards him...
But your life is obviously perfect. No offence intended here RockRose, but you give advice that always comes with a downside - usually criticism and maybe an insult. Its a shame you can never seem to give someone a positive outlook - a little hope would be appreciated.
My life isn't perfect, but that has nothing to do with the fact that you won't be happy unless you somehow let this go.
"Devastated" "like you've been hit by a car", are terms that seem, to me, to so draw this whole revelation out of proportion that somehow you need to step back and examine why you are reacting this way.
You're a mom, so it's not like you're 17 and this is your first love. He, too, has a prior love life.
If you want to say that in the interest of your new relationship, and respect for you, that he should cut off ties with his previous lover, that's probably a good idea.
But here you are. An adult with two kids, and your boyfriend revealed that his prior relationship was a virgin when they first met 13 years ago. To be devastated by that as if you were hit full force by a car - is really out there.
You keep alluding to "other issues" and it does sound like you're reacting to something that isn't in your story, and has nothing to do with her prior virginity.
Until somehow you work through whatever that is, the REAL issues, not her virginity, you won't get through this.
"Devastated" "like you've been hit by a car", are terms that seem, to me, to so draw this whole revelation out of proportion that somehow you need to step back and examine why you are reacting this way.
You're a mom, so it's not like you're 17 and this is your first love. He, too, has a prior love life.
If you want to say that in the interest of your new relationship, and respect for you, that he should cut off ties with his previous lover, that's probably a good idea.
But here you are. An adult with two kids, and your boyfriend revealed that his prior relationship was a virgin when they first met 13 years ago. To be devastated by that as if you were hit full force by a car - is really out there.
You keep alluding to "other issues" and it does sound like you're reacting to something that isn't in your story, and has nothing to do with her prior virginity.
Until somehow you work through whatever that is, the REAL issues, not her virginity, you won't get through this.
I admit, and thought I'd illustraed even in my first post that, there are much wider issues at play here:-
''So, ok, I have ''issues'' with her, understandably - I think it's because he was with her so long, and he often prioritised her before when we were starting out by meeting up just to keep her happy. Bla bla. It really bothered me but I always bottled it up, and I often felt he respected me less than her etc...''
I know my post is ultimately based on the whole virginity thing but still wanted to emphasise why it bothers me more than it should - because it's about Her. The woman I'd rather pretend didn't exist. I have good reason to feel this way.
Yes the car crash thing is extreme but only because I love him so much it hurts when the old issues raise their ugly heads again.
''You keep alluding to "other issues" and it does sound like you're reacting to
something that isn't in your story, and has nothing to do with her prior virginity.''
I had issues with my female form lower down having had 2 children with natural births. I used to be paranoid about my t*ghtness and was even more paranoid when I met my now partner. I occasionally asked him after love making if it was t*ght and he'd say no. He didn't know this was a little upsetting for me - I didn't show it. Another time I asked him, being convinced it was, and he said ''no, there's something really s*xy about a t*ght p**sy... that was just forced''. I was quite devastated and have never forgotton. Last night I was reminded of it, saying ''so that's who you were referring to back then'' - as I've always wondered who he was talking about. This whole virginity issue made me realise he was talking about Her. It hurts...
''So, ok, I have ''issues'' with her, understandably - I think it's because he was with her so long, and he often prioritised her before when we were starting out by meeting up just to keep her happy. Bla bla. It really bothered me but I always bottled it up, and I often felt he respected me less than her etc...''
I know my post is ultimately based on the whole virginity thing but still wanted to emphasise why it bothers me more than it should - because it's about Her. The woman I'd rather pretend didn't exist. I have good reason to feel this way.
Yes the car crash thing is extreme but only because I love him so much it hurts when the old issues raise their ugly heads again.
''You keep alluding to "other issues" and it does sound like you're reacting to
something that isn't in your story, and has nothing to do with her prior virginity.''
I had issues with my female form lower down having had 2 children with natural births. I used to be paranoid about my t*ghtness and was even more paranoid when I met my now partner. I occasionally asked him after love making if it was t*ght and he'd say no. He didn't know this was a little upsetting for me - I didn't show it. Another time I asked him, being convinced it was, and he said ''no, there's something really s*xy about a t*ght p**sy... that was just forced''. I was quite devastated and have never forgotton. Last night I was reminded of it, saying ''so that's who you were referring to back then'' - as I've always wondered who he was talking about. This whole virginity issue made me realise he was talking about Her. It hurts...
I understand your feelings of bitterness. It is very natural, especially because you always felt like you were competing with this woman. But you did say she was gone now and that they don't communicate any more. I would go with that and keep moving forward. Sometimes relationships have their rocky patches, but if you can work through them, you can wind up with a stronger bond. If he's willing to work with you now on this, then try to keep a more positive outlook on the relationship. Everyone has a past, to be mad at him for her losing her virginity to him, only puts focus on an already dead subject. My advice, because I know how wanted to know answers to questions that inevitably will make you upset is so tempting, try now to ask any more. You are giving her probably more thought then he is at this point. Move forward, not backward and you and him will be ok.
Kate, in college I was engaged to a man who couldn't get over his first girlfriend. And he was so clumsy and stupid about the whole thing that he didn't make any attempts to hide that he found her sexier, prettier, etc. than me. It was awful, and I just felt less and less sexy, and less and less pretty, and I hated having sex with him because I knew he wasn't really that into it.
I broke up with him and he was completely surprised - shocked, really. He had no idea how painful it is, to be competing with a ghost and losing. I think we've all had relationships where the man was completely passionately wild about us, and that feels so good, and coming in second best was such a lonely awful feeling.
I'm married to a man who DOES think I'm sexy and beautiful, and it shows.
I still have dreams where I am walking up the aisle in a wedding dress, and he's at the top of the aisle smiling and I keep thinking, wait, I know I found somebody better than this. I know there is someone better . . . but who is it? I don't think this is the guy I picked . . .. haha. It's weird.
Best wishes.
I broke up with him and he was completely surprised - shocked, really. He had no idea how painful it is, to be competing with a ghost and losing. I think we've all had relationships where the man was completely passionately wild about us, and that feels so good, and coming in second best was such a lonely awful feeling.
I'm married to a man who DOES think I'm sexy and beautiful, and it shows.
I still have dreams where I am walking up the aisle in a wedding dress, and he's at the top of the aisle smiling and I keep thinking, wait, I know I found somebody better than this. I know there is someone better . . . but who is it? I don't think this is the guy I picked . . .. haha. It's weird.
Best wishes.
Thankyou for sharing that situation with me - I sort of understand what you mean when you say it makes you feel less sexy less pretty etc, and its because when they are comparing you to other women, you start comparing yourself to them too, and it takes a LOT of self-confidence and self-belief to rise above those ways of thinking and see you are worth more. I know I struggle a lot.
I sometimes see myslef - standing back and looking in - and realise - hold on, why the hell am I thinking this way? This is stupid. I'm doing it NOW. Maybe it's reading your post and discovering even You have been there and got the T-Shirt. I have found myself finding a lot of respect for you when I read your posts so am grateful you can offer some similar experience to illustrate you know what you are talking about.
Thanks again RockRose - feeling much better tonight !!!
I sometimes see myslef - standing back and looking in - and realise - hold on, why the hell am I thinking this way? This is stupid. I'm doing it NOW. Maybe it's reading your post and discovering even You have been there and got the T-Shirt. I have found myself finding a lot of respect for you when I read your posts so am grateful you can offer some similar experience to illustrate you know what you are talking about.
Thanks again RockRose - feeling much better tonight !!!
I put one on there because I was hoping to work out when I'm ovulating. I have been off Depo for a while. My partner and I are (believe it or not) very stable. We have a good relationhip on the whole - only problems we have is with regards to his ex, and that's the only time we don't get on. We do want to have a baby together. He wants his first child with me.
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