How do I come to terms with difficult relationships?

[ziggywiggy]

I am a very sensitive person.  When I talk about something emotional, even from long ago, I cry and don't seem to have gotten past it.  There is a lot to get past.  My mother never liked me very much and, at this point, our relationship consists of birthday cards in the mail.  She refuses to answer or return my calls and I haven't been welcome in her house for over 20 years.  We never had an argument to break the relationship.  We just never really had one and she alienated the rest of her family from me as well by telling them that I chose not to see them  anymore.  She also tried to alienate me from my father but after they divorced, we finally got past it. It's as if my brother is her only child.  When my sister-in-law was pregnant, my mother gushed that she was finally going to have a grandchild.  My sons were 16 and 12 at the time.
I got divorced and had to raise my two sons alone, with some help from my in-laws.  My younger son had numerous emotional problems and it was very stressful for his older brother and me.  It turned my lovely, sensitive older boy into a cold, sarcastic person - but only towards his family.  He was justifiably resentful over being abandoned by both his father and my mother, and, even after acknowledging that I'm a nice person and would never do that to him, he did the same to us.  
The boys' father recently died.  When I was initially contacted by his brother, I was promised further details were forthcoming.  After hearing nothing for a couple of days, I asked if I could do anything to help.  I was told that my he, my older son and wives #2 and #3 (I was #1) all went to the funeral home and the body was cremated.  I didn't wonder why my son didn't contact me when he was in the area but I'm hurt as well as surprised that he was willing to go.  What is it?  Why was I the only one excluded?  I would absolutely have been there to support my brother-in-law. It always comes down to wondering what I've done to cause this.  I know speculation is a waste of energy but I really don't know what is going on or why it bothers me so much.

[ziggywiggy]

As always, there is so much more to things than can be written.
I was much closer to my ex's family than mine.  We spent all our holidays with them until my mother-in-law passed away and then spent some with my brother-in-law's family.  My son is still in sporadic contact with them as am I.  My sister-in-law was the one who told both of us.  My son e-mailed me to be sure I knew and that I was going to take action on the child support debt I'm owed.  I asked if he was ok and he said he really didn't care because emotional attachments aren't generally an issue for him.  His father left when he was 6 and he's seen him only twice since. BTW, I tried to put both boys in therapy and all them eventually threw in the towel because they couldn't get either of them to cooperate.
The divorce was a long time ago and I've felt only pity for my ex for years.  The funeral isn't until next month and I am invited to it. The weirdness comes in that my ex was in the middle of divorcing the third wife, who had no real relationship with his remaining family.  Mine was the strongest and the second wife's was less so.  It was just odd to me that I was told they'd be in contact in a couple of days and I heard nothing. The second wife, who lives out of state, was at the funeral home and I didn't even know about it.  My son also lives out of state and never even told me he was here.
As far as my son goes, the more I contact him, the more uncomfortable he is, so my hands are essentially tied.  He cut off contact completely for a few years and then someone (possibly my in-laws) convinced him that he was being immature and stupid.  He e-mailed me and laid down certain ground rules, explaining that he finds family relationships draining and needs to put strict limitations on them in order to maintain them at all.  He's had zero contact with his brother, my brother and my father for 7 years or more.  I haven't seen him since his grandmother's funeral 9 years ago. The reason he continued contact with my in-laws was that he didn't feel they were overly interested in his life.  He has also established a life that has very little in common with mine.  I understand that mine wouldn't be his preferred company but I would think he'd value someone who truly loves him even more because of how rare that is in this life.  Even his brother, who was so difficult to raise, made a comment a few years ago that I will carry with me forever.  He said, "We may have gone without a lot of things when we were growing up but the one thing we always had enough of was love."

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult time and these relationships are in the state they are.  

But one thing I've learned over the years is that not everything is our fault.  The parent child relationship is so important to us and yes, absolutely hurtful when our parent walks away from us.  But I would try to see it as her deficit.  Her problem. You'd be open to a relationship and work on things if she'd be willing----  so you have to chalk this up to something outside of your control and your mom's problem.  

What you could do that might give you some peace of mind is write her a letter once a month.  Just a short one telling her what is going on.  You could even term it "your last name's newsletter".  That way you are staying in touch with her with no pressure and it may over time soften her heart.  But otherwise, you've tried.  What else could you possibly do?

As to your son, that's so hard.  The big thing to remember about that is that he is hurting.  He's hurting over relationships he's had and he's lost and now a death of someone he never got it worked out with which sometimes can be the most difficult to deal with.  I would never allow your feelings to be really hurt and instead----  always be there for him.  Write to him, call him, plan a visit to where he lives but stay in a hotel and make it less of a burden (MY mother is coming) than a visit (I'm having dinner with mom tonight, we're going to X tomorrow, and I'll see her on the next day before she leaves).  But always be cheerful when you talk to him and not wounded by his rejection.  Give him a chance to come around.

Now, I agree with londres about the funeral.  Funerals are a  big deal.  You weren't invited.  If he had a current wife, perhaps she didn't feel it necessary for all the ex's to be there or it was just an oversight as you didn't have an ongoing parenting relationship with him as he'd exited out of the picture, etc.  Don't take that personally.  You were not a part of your ex's life or his brother in law's even if you had some good times in the past.  Sure, they called the kids but had you called your son about it?  Who told your son about the death?  I would really just try to let that go.  And now, send a card to your son letting him know that you are there for him and send one to your brother in law.  Offer to make a dinner for the family to drop off.  That kind of thing.  Nice gestures that show you care without asking anything of anyone.  That's what people really need when a death has occurred.  

Therapy is always a good thing in my opinion. Helps us work through past and present hurts to hopefully have fewer in the future.  peace

[Londres70]

"What is it?  Why was I the only one excluded?"......Obviously, your history is very complicated and heavy; difficult to say exactly why you weren't included.

Furthermore, I am sure it wouldn't be ideal for you to attend a funeral with two other wives.  It doesn't sound like you were super close to your ex, e.g. his parents help raise your children.  He doesn't sound like he was a "hands on" dad.   And now you wanted to be present at his funeral?  In my opinion, I think it was more important for the children to be present than you.  It was their father.  You can still be there for your brother-in-law even if you didn't attend the funeral.  People don't just grieve only on the day of the funeral.  There will be many days after the funeral for that.  

Perhaps your son didn't contact you based on the fact that he knows how you are and didn't need to deal with the fact that his father has died and an overly emotional mother.  Perhaps he was more focused on the fact he lost his father and wasn't really worried about contacting you to discuss the details of the situation.  

Why are you surprised he was willing to go?  Sounds like the situation between him and his father wasn't great, but I guess the situation pretty much ended when he died.  Perhaps he went for closure......perhaps he went because this was his father.  Perhaps he went because it was the decent thing to do.  

Have you ever sought professional counseling?  That would be a start.  You seem to be obsessed with being "left out" of this and that.  I would say this is stemming from abandonment issues from your childhood starting with your mother.  Ideally, those two children of yours should had been and should be in therapy as well.