Should I trust my husband?

[CKennedy08]

My husband and I have been married for over 4 years. We have a three year old daughter and are expecting our first son in July. From the outside our marriage seems perfect. We're both young and intelligent, have a nice home, great dog, and adorable kids. But the problem is that we have had troubles in our relationship. Mostly to do with respect. When we first got married he was uncomfortable with me working because he's a Marine and he didn't want other Marines to hit on me. Now he acts like I'm lazy and worthless because I don't work even though I'm a college student and stay at home with our daughter. I have caught him in lies multiple times. I am a Christian and I believe that pornography is a sin. I have found it multiple times on his laptop and cell phone and each time he has lied straight to my face about it's existance as if I can't see it right in front of my face. I don't know why he lies when I have the evidence to prove that he's done wrong. I wonder if he's looking at porn and lying about that than what else is he lying about? Recently I found "junk" emails on his phone from a website for cheating spouses that he had opened. All the rest of the emails in his junk folder had been ignored. He swears to me that he has not looked at porn in a long time and the he would NEVER cheat on me. How can I believe me if he has so obviously lied to me in the past? He works late most days and sometimes on weekends but I never really know if he's at work or not. I almost feel ashamed to ask just in case he has been telling the truth. When he's at home we don't talk much. He never wants to talk about his day and he usually ends up playing video games. He's pretty shy of a person so he doesn't seem like the type who would cheat but he also has a deep down arrogent attitude. I don't want my husband to be cheating or lying and I'm not trying to look for it. Each time I've found it was by accident (daughter playing on his phone or borrowing his laptop when mine was broken). I love him entirely and I don't want to leave him but I hate being so paranoid all the time. He always gets defensive when I try to talk to him about it which throws up even more red flags. Any suggestions?

[Life360_Dave]

Hi and welcome. You might try reading the book " men are from mars and women from venis". No matter how old a man is the little boy is always in him and right below the surface and does pop up from time to time. Often in relationships a mother son reaction takes place and his lying is an example of this. He got caught. Sure, you are his wife, but the longer your married the more you will react to him as a mother.
Women for the most part are very down to earth but men for the most part can be very flakey.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Congrats on baby on the way.  

Well, does HE think porn is a sin?  That's kind of the problem here.  He may not feel the same way you do that it is wrong and bad so talking to him in that way wil be meaningless.  And sure, he lies because he is the 'bad boy' that just got caught and you are mom about to scold him.  That is a common scenario in relationships.  I know you don't want to be 'mom' so maybe you can work on this from a different angle.  

You love him, right?  How's everything else in your relationship?  You mostly talk about the porn.   You also mention being a stay at home mom and that sometimes he doesn't show you the respect you deserve.  I am a stay at home mom too and when that has happened between my hubby and I, I plan an all day 'girl's event on a Saturday and give him a list of chores to do, let him know about the play date set up for the kids, let him know the usual routine of caring for the kids on top of that, and that there is the makings for dinner in the frig.  Have fun, see ya in 8 hrs."  This works well for reminding him that it isn't bowl of cherries being at home.

As to the porn, ugh.  I don't love it either (luckily, my husband thinks it is fake and a turn off).  I would say "honey.  You know I don't love porn.  It kind of grosses me out and just seems wrong.  It's disrespectful to women and so fake.  AND, hey.  I'm pregnant here and it makes me insecure.  What do you get out of it?"  TALK to him about it.  Don't just tell him he is wrong----  but hear him out, talk to him about your feelings and come up with a compromise or plan for what you can live with (even if that has to be no porn).

This is an adult relationship and you two need to address this like any other issue a couple would have.  There are always extra emotions tied to porn due to the sexual nature of it----  but try to be matter of fact about it.  And I'd leave religion out as that isn't working to curb his desire to do it.  he just may not feel it is a sin.  And then you become pius and he is tuning you out,  Talk to him as the woman in his life.

Now, things like porn sites probably have 'cookies' on it or whatever and spam emails get sent.  he may have just opened it to see where it came from.  WATCH closely though for anything else like that.  I agree that I'd be p.o,'d if he were on that kind of site.  

And, marriage counseling can be a wonderful thing for a couple with issues such as you describe.  good luck dear