How do I tell him? The guilt of my sin is killing me

[cazza211]

I have a 9 month old daughter. When I fell pregnant with her I was seeing 1 guy on a regular basis but we were not in a relationship. During that time I slept with one other man on 1 occasion, that other man left the country before I knew I was pregnant and I didn't think that I would have fallen pregnant from sleeping with a man once. So when I found out I was pregnant I naturally assumed I was pregnant to the guy I had seen regularly. He hung around and said he wanted to be in the baby's life but he wants a DNA test done when the baby is born. We also agreed that he would not be named on the birth certificate and that I would say I don't know who the father is so that he doesn't get chased for alimony. Well I did the worst thing I could do and now the guilt is killing me. When baby came along the guy who I thought was the father took a swab of himself and of the baby. Out of fear I took a swab of myself and of my father. I switched the envelopes that contained the swabs. He sent the envelope that had mine and my fathers swabs in it and got a positive result. I sent the swabs that had his and the baby's swabs in it and got a negative result meaning that the 1 night stand guy is the father. The other guy absolutely adores this baby that he believes is his. We live in separate parts of the country and he comes to visit her every 6 weeks and he helps me out a bit financially. He is such a good father but I just cant handle this guilt anymore and I don't know how to tell him. It will devastate him. He even has a bedroom set up for her at his house for when she is old enough to fly there and spend time with him. She is 9 months old atm. What can I do? This is the worst thing I have ever done in my life. I am so scared of how he will react.

[harleyquinn0399]

I am not familiar with "at home" DNA tests.  I know that sensitive labs in as doctor's office, lab or hospital would have the specimen sealed and the numbers on the seal would match the paperwork being sent in with the specimen.  I would think there would need to be a chain of custody of some sort or the company could face tons of lawsuits.

[Nighthawk61]

I have high hopes for you and your daughter to find a great life together , while allowing in another man and possible step brothers and sisters. You will be happy with the truth, remember , you have each other and that's no small thing.

[Nighthawk61]

if you don't tell him you take the chance of his finding a wife, having a family, questioning your daughters paternity, finding it's false, and walking away from her for his "real" family.
Your child right now would not be hurt. There is a chance this guy could break her heart in the future though. I think that's why your post is started staying "How do i tell him"  ? not "Should i tell him". ?  Additionally, This sin is killing me". . If the child has not yet visited this man on even one visitation, would it not be wise to go and tell him the truth, let him know that you'll never admit it to anyone , that this will be the only time that it will pass from your lips, and you did so because you wanted him to be the father, and you still do., but you understand it that's not possible. Maybe even the two of you have a chance at a real relationship? Is that possible.? He loves your daughter and that can be a draw. I don't believe that if you tell the truth EARLY ON that anyone would hold you liable. Unlike the future. If you hold this lie and let them become more closely resembling a family (she has not yet visited him) then you maybe should be held liable.

You sound like you have values and morals. and you made you a mistake. As a mother it is important that you do the hard thing and be morally respectful. It's an important trait. It's  a lovable trait. I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't make you more lovable in this guys eyes and if you wanted you might be able to get him.

[Nighthawk61]

My husband is my son's step father and loves him like his own. If he had been in his life from day one i'm sure he would think of his like his own , and maybe insist on the title himself. The facts are that your DNA can easily denounce a lit and kids go to the hospital all the time. Stop yourself from living in a soap opera and be the pillar of salt and strength that you'll need to be in order that not only the guy will have faith in womenhood, but that your own child will also be able to benefit from not having a broken heart because their own mother was caught up as a liar.

[Nighthawk61]

My husband is my son's step father and loves him like his own. If he had been in his life from day one i'm sure he would think of his like his own , and maybe insist on the title himself. The facts are that your DNA can easily denounce a lit and kids go to the hospital all the time. Stop yourself from living in a soap opera and be the pillar of salt and strength that you'll need to be in order that not only the guy will have faith in womenhood, but that your own child will also be able to benefit from not having a broken heart because their own mother was caught up as a liar.

[Nighthawk61]

Remember , the mistake you made was was made out of desperation and love, If you admit it , have some faith that you will be forgiven, by him or even by a court (which I doubt he would ever be that cruel. Remember your relationship has already taken on the habit of supporting each other (him not being on the birth certificate to save him from paying alimony) which he would never pay  because he had never payed your way. He is only being "saved" from child support. So you really haven't done anything illegal in they eyes of the law by putting him on the child's birth certificate and making him LEGALLY LIABLE. You see? Honesty IS the best policy honey. Have faith, Be Brave. We're all here for you and so too will the lgal community should it come to that.

Also, you're going to meet a nice man that does not want a hanger on, especially if this guy isn't the real father. You'll meet a man and fall in love and he will be raising your daughter. If that's the case, and it likely will be, (if you find a partner) you'll get sick of the lie and may even resent this guy taking your daughter from you every 2nd week or whatever the schedule.

[Nighthawk61]

If it were me, i would work on getting  a good guy into your life when your child is old enough 15 months for fall head over heels in love love with '"daddy". There's more fish in the sea, you don't have to "trick" a guy into loving you and your baby girl, IT WILL HAPPEN!!!!! Have faith young lady, keep your chin up. It was an easy mistake to make and to admit and to be forgiven if you don't let it get bigger sweetheart.

[AnnieBrooke]

specialmom points out to me that you didn't sound like you were doing a test with a swab for father, mother and baby, but just one for father and baby, and that you had possibly said you sent in your own swab in place of the baby's in the envelope that had your dad's swab.  Is that right?

[AnnieBrooke]

cazza, what has been bothering me this whole time in the back of my mind is that I don't think your father's DNA swab would test positive as the father of your baby.  There would be too many differences.  If you went to a lab that tests 16 markers or more, those differences would show up.  Only the baby's real dad would be a perfect match.  

I've been thinking about this as this discussion has progressed, so just now I checked with the head of a big DNA lab that I talk with every now and then, and he said the same.  

In short, you might have tried to swap the envelopes, but is there a possibility that you actually did not succeed at swapping them the way you meant to, and the positive your guy friend received was the legitimate positive showing that he is in fact the father?

[specialmom]

And . . .  he clearly suspect and was right that she'd been with someone else and might not be the father.  He didn't want to jump into the role until proven that it was his role to take.  I think that is fair personally if there was thoughts that she may have had other men that could be the father.  

[AnnieBrooke]

I also get the sense from the way she wrote this that she was deliberately not pushing things, and he just thought she was being decent and didn't ask a ton of questions about why she wasn't putting him through the wringer more.

[specialmom]

Dave, her post says that this was prior to the DNA test when there was a question whether he was the father.  Once he felt secure that he was (unknowingly duped), he stepped up to the plate and has been there for the child and her as well.  

[Life360_Dave]

But if he thinks hes the father why isent he sending more money as you say he helps out a bit and why dosent want his name on the birth certificate? He dosent appear as such a stand up father anyway. I think it would be best to tell him hes not the father as just adoring the baby dosent cut it.

[Londres70]

That's the way I saw it too Life.

"He hung around and said he but he wants a DNA test done when the baby is born. We also agreed that he would not be named on the birth certificate and that I would say I don't know who the father is so that he doesn't get chased for alimony.".........What dad wouldn't want his name on the birth certificate after the DNA confirmed that he's the dad?  She even states he doesn't want to get stuck with child support.  

Hey Life, how would you feel if a woman did this to you and confessed?  Just interested in a man's point of view.

[AnnieBrooke]

cazza, this *is* a really complicated situation.  From all the discussion, it seems like here are your options.

1)  Never say anything.  
      Pluses:  
       You get a father for your child that you think is a good man
       He gets to stay happy  
      Minuses:  
       Your sin is killing you
       You will have to bury this forever and keep lying forever
       This will continue (if he keeps giving you money) to get bigger in terms of what you owe him in the end if he finds out
       He might figure out the baby is not his child.  If so, you will have to be a better actress than many in acting dismayed and astonished.

2)  Tell all.
      Pluses:  
       It will be off your conscience
       You will be facing up to the legal liability for what you did like an adult
       You won't have to lie, act, evade or pretend any more  
      Minuses:  
       You will hurt him
       You will need to repay him for all costs he has incurred on the baby's behalf
       If he sues, you could owe other costs, such as legal fees, pain-and-suffering costs (I think in the UK these are called "hurt feelings" costs), or even penalties
       Others will learn what you have done if he does sue you (and probably even if he does not, he will talk about it)
       Your child will not have this guy as a father figure

3)  Make up a story that you are uneasy that the test results were incorrect and ask if he will test again.
       Pluses:
       He does not lose faith in womankind on your account
       He gets advance warning that bad news might be coming so is less blindsided,
       You get out of the mess without having to confess to the enormity of what you did
      Minuses:
       It is piling lie onto lie
       You will have to be a good actress to pull it off
       You will have to stick to a storyline that you know is not true (even if he is suspicious of what you are saying), this takes determination
       You will still have to reimburse him for all the money he spent
       Your child will be without this guy as a father figure

Though if your child were 6 and loved the man and he loved the child, I would strongly counsel silence forever and bury the truth deep, your baby won't have any connection that she remembers if you break this off now or soon, and what leans me away from the silence option is this.  The baby won't be a baby forever, grown kids have been known to figure out later in life that the person they thought was their father is not their father.  Then they begin to wonder and try to work out whether or not their mother knew this.  To learn that one's beloved mom lied to some guy just to get money for support, or because one guy was nicer than another, is to learn that Mom was a manipulating opportunist who didn't tell the truth to anyone, not just the two guys but the child.  I'm a mom, I sure as hell don't want my child to ever look at me and read such things into my character.  She also might feel strong regret that in so doing, you prevented her from knowing her real father for all those years.  So, whichever way you choose to try to get the truth out, I would suggest that you find a way to do it.  In this case, it just does not seem to me that silence is the answer.

[specialmom]

That's the thing with this situation.  It's tough.  People are going to get hurt regardless of the direction she takes.  I don't have an answer I feel is good for this to help the poster.  I'm sorry.  I feel for you----  you wanted to have a dad for baby and he sounds like a good guy.  And he IS being a good dad.  And it will hurt your baby not to have him in her life . . .   but then it's based on a lie.  Such a hard thing to figure out.  I know what is probably right but it would hurt my heart to take that away from my child.  Even though the baby is 9 months old . . .   when she is older, she will now be basically fatherless as her bio dad is not going to be around it seems.  

Anyway, I realize that I'm not being helpful on this thread.  I'm sorry!

[AnnieBrooke]

Londres, I don't in fact have that strong of an argument against your approach (in the DNA/Paternity community I always counsel that transparency is the best way to go, but I'm aware that most of the women won't do it), but I will point out a couple of other things.  I thought they had agreed not to put him on the birth certificate not because he was suspicious in a committed relationship, but because (as she said) they were not in a committed relationship.  In a casual relationship, it's hardly unreasonable or suspicious to ask for a DNA test.  From her saying they had not been in a committed relationship, I thought it meant that he assumed she might have had other lovers. He didn't come across in her story as a suspicious guy, he came across as a nice, accepting and loving guy.

One other problem is that she has been accepting money from him, and he has prepared a room for the child.  Just from a legal point of view, she will absolutely have to pay him back (and if it cost him a lot out of pocket for the child's room pay him back for that, also).  As my law-school professors tiresomely intoned, he incurred expense in reliance on the representation of another.  Frankly, if it ever got sour enough for a lawsuit, he could also sue her for pain and suffering, if he knew she had actively misled him this much.  Obviously when you're trained to be a lawyer the first thing you are trained to do is believe that people should pay for their crimes, so if she does get sued by this guy it will seem to me (at some hardass level) like only just.  But as a human being I would like to see her get out of this without all the sturm und drang that it will cause if she confesses, mostly the pain it will cause him but also the risk of her having to pay up.  Her choice, she knows the situation and we don't.  It all depends on what kind of guy he is -- some people would want to know the whole story, others would prefer to be let down gently.

[AnnieBrooke]

Londres, I agree that adding lie to lie is not generally a good idea.  However, the question here is not how to keep from hurting her child (who is still a baby and won't be hurt), the question is how to preserve a nice man's faith in the truthfulness of women about intimate things.  So many people have written in the Relationships community over the years and will say they really can't trust their present partner because their past partner, who they trusted fully, lied to them.  And this is an active, complex whopper she told, not just "I didn't sleep with Henry," she did a whole bunch of stuff to mislead him.  It would be hard to get over the feeling of betrayal if one found out that.

The poster is faced with the choice of never saying anything, or telling him a lie to save his faith. She says the guilt is killing her, and it sounds like it is accelerating.  If she does think she can keep the secret forever (in that scenario, if he were to accidentally find out sometime that the child is not from him, she would have to pretend she was as surprised as he) that is one thing, but it doesn't even sound like she can keep the secret until the baby is one year old.  She says it is tearing her apart.  So the problem becomes one of finding a way to reveal to him that he probably is not the father, without also at the same time destroying his trust in future women who will almost undoubtedly treat him better than she did.  There is a lot to be said for coming clean about him not being the dad, but I see less value and a lot of harm in her coming clean about her duplicity, for his sake.  If she could keep quiet forever, it might be one way to go, but it really sounds like she can't.

[Londres70]

I see your point AB, but whose to say he isn't already grappling with his faith and trust in women?  I mean, he was the one who requested the DNA test and he doesn't want his name posted on the birth certificate regardless of the DNA testing results because he doesn't want to be stuck with child support to pay.

I think everyone has had the one or two persons or more in their life who has majorly lied to them and/or has/have done something terrible to them  I know I have.  You have no power over what over people say or do, so you have to find it in yourself to process what has happened and move on from it.  If you are making people pay for the past sins of what others have done to you then I would say that's your issue that you need to address.

I wish all the best to the OP.  This is difficult, but I am a firm believer in telling the truth in these instances.  One lie seems to always lead to another.  Telling the truth won't be easy and I have NO idea how he is going to respond.  I suppose you could try the above solutions by the above posters and see what happens.  I just have a funny feeling it will not go without a hitch.  If you do decide to tell him write down what you would like to say first after thinking long and hard about what you should say.  I don't see anything wrong with telling him like you've told us.  

All the best dear in whatever you decide.

[Londres70]

I agree with SM.

I really don't think it's a great idea to paste lie on top of lie.  Is it even possible to have the test repeated?  What about the costs?  Will this even be allowed?  Will he even be on board to get retested?

Deception with:

Leaving his name off the birth certificate and when asked she is going to say she doesn't know so he won't get chased for child support

Using her father's DNA swab instead of this guy's DNA swab

Let this guy believe he is the father of the child when he isn't

And now, she is supposed to act like there was a mistake made and doubt the results?  

This guy can and may refuse to do this again and just tell her she is overreacting and that he believes the results are correct..  

There is just too much deception here and I surely can't condone more lies.  Lies make things too convoluted.

Cazza, just think long and hard before doing or saying anything.  If you decide to tell him write down what you want to say and how you want to say it.  

Yes, this is a big mistake, but nothing you can't get through.  This is a tough one.

[AnnieBrooke]

And by fortitude, I mean, don't dump a confession of all your guilt onto him in order to get out from under the burden.  He does not deserve that; you need to carry that part of the load forever even as you get out from under feeling bad that he is being misled.  Leave him to have a good life with his future girlfriends and wife.

[AnnieBrooke]

I agree with RockRose.  Test again.  To do so without confessing the thing you did, say you just have an uncomfortable feeling because you have been reading about DNA tests getting false results, and you would like to be totally certain.  (You could even say that the lab you used was named as one that gets false results.)  Then test again and do it right.

Also, test with every possible candidate if you can at all.  In the DNA/Paternity forum, we get many posts from women who only tested with one guy, and are now afraid the results were wrong.  Test until you get a yes (in your case, test until you get a legitimate yes, not a faked yes) if it is at all possible to reach the other guy.

Then if things turn out as you expect (and not until the second test is complete), have a talk with the guy who has been so great, and explain what the test says, and tell him how sad this makes you, and ask what he would like to do.  Tell him he is such a wonderful guy and wonderful father (even at a distance) that you would like it very much if he were to continue, but that you understand if he can't.  Tell him you would like to have this decided before the baby is any older, because at this early age the child is not creating memories of him but that later the child will.  Again tell him how sorry you are and that you wish things were different.  Then see what he says.  I don't think you have to admit how fradulently you behaved, but I do think you need to clean it up.  Everyone in this story deserves to move forward with the truth.

Regarding specialmom's comment, if this were a child of 5 or 6 who has a strong connection with the man and the man loves the child, I would give you a different recommendation, which would be to sit on the truth and only let it come out if it ever did and if it did, act astonished.  But a 9-month-old is not going to remember, and the guy will come out of it OK too if he thinks it is a genuine mistake and not a fradulent act.  The one thing I think you definitely owe him is not to ruin his faith in women, which you would do if you told him the full truth of what you did with the tests.  People who have been betrayed in such important ways by a lover almost never fully trust their partners again, and that would be a very cruel thing to do to such a good guy.  With your last breath sound astonished and that it was a mistake.  Let him keep the faith that true love and protection from a lover is possible.

Take care, sweetheart.  I think you can fix this, it will just take fortitude.

[RockRose]

This is sort of off-topic,  but it would have never occurred to me to cheat on the DNA test in that way - so you do get points for creativity!  

And I don't think I'd actually tell the whole truth.  I think I'd couch it something like,  I know we got the positive DNA test but I can't get over the nagging feeling that somehow the lab made a mistake,  I can't get over that thought.  

And see where it goes from there.

And I do wonder what you told your dad about why you needed a DNA swab from him.  

[specialmom]

You know who this will devastate?  Your child.  I'm so very sad for your child.  I'd almost eat my guilt for a situation that's careened out of control so that she can have this man as her father.  But I know that is probably not right.  It would kill me to take that away from my child.  This is an impossible situation.   He loves the child and the child loves him.  They are bonded.  I am just not sure I could destroy that.  Even though I do understand that it is the 'right' thing to do.  But be prepared for possible legal consequences.  You perpetuated a fraud.  Anyway, I can see both sides and at this point, I'd be very tempted to just keep my mouth shut.  Ugh, even though that is probably not what you should do.  So, I am of no help here.  good luck hon, I feel for you

[Londres70]

You need to come clean.  It's really the proper thing to do.  

Do not continue this façade.  It will be worst later on if he finds out especially if it continues for years. If you continue this you are allowing him and the child to bond based on a lie and lies have a way of coming out eventually.

I am not sure if you can be legally prosecuted because this is fraude, so you might want to consider finding that out.  

With terrible decisions comes consequences.  Tell the truth immediately.  He might take it better then you think.