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The end of a long relationship

Hi everyone, i wouldn't think posting here but i needed to talk to someone or at least get some advice from.. i am in a long relationship with my girlfriend over 9 years, to make things clear its also my first gf. we went through a lot in the past good and bad times, mostly from me since i am not the guy who shows feelings, its true i was not complementing her as she has done to me and many other things a girl would like to hear.

for almost 4 years she was dreaming of living together having our own house, there were a lot of reason i could not move from my family's house since i was living with my father and he was sick with heart failure. i cannot say, at least  she was understandable and had a lot of patience with me.

last 2 years of our relationship a lot went wrong, even after making a lot of sacrifice moving in with her i was happy but she was not, her feelings, what she was feeling for me was not there. a lot were missing... she even developed feelings with my best friend because he supported here when i was not there, i know its my fault i truly know. but i was there know to make things right, this was last year when she finally asked to break off with me,

i was surprised and even though i looked emotionless most of the years with her, i breached down and cried, because i know i could give her more than i was giving her and support here everywhere, at that time we stayed and tried our relationship and also to improve my self in that time, i made a lot of changes in unbelievable ways she was also surprised with me, in that time we had a lot going on again as some miss communication but in a stupid way like kids, maybe something silly happened after that we do not talk for a day,   each time something silly happens she ends up that she wants to die or not wake up the next. day, she is liked trapped with me.

i know that she has feelings for that friend of mine, so i guess what she means trapped makes sense, this year a lot happened, she even found her self pregnant this was a disaster for her but i was there next to her to support her with anything she might need, i explained to her that i have a lot of things i want do with her, travel plan things make things together i was happy explaining this, we even planned the name of the baby and set that we will get married at the end of this year,

but all of a sudden she asked me that she wants to break with me yesterday, hearing this tore me down i was overwhelmed with feelings i could not hold, up un till now i feel very sad i just want to cry, we are both young, having our jobs our house we have same taste in music games in everything and yet there this hole i cannot fill, she asked me again and insisted what i will answer her if she asked me that she wants to live alone, and that she does not see our us living together forever,

sorry for typing all of the above but i wanted to make at least a small clear picture, after all the sacrifice i  made things are not turning in the way i wanted, now i need to make my choice, is it fine to leave her pregnant like that and leave? i mean i will hate my self for doing this its unforgivable but again she does want me to leave the house, i don't know what to do i am so sad i am so sad for me and that baby, i know the moment i leave the house i will cut connection with her, i am not the type of person who will carry my ex with me in my phone, again all i am thinking is the baby.... i just don't know what i could do, i wanted to do a lot with my family and make them happy but its not my choice now..
3 Responses
134578 tn?1614729226
It does sound like she expected or hoped you would step up more as a boyfriend and then as a potential husband than you have done. Do you have access to a counselor with whom you can talk about relationships and what happened in yours? Because bad as this is, you REALLY don't want to repeat the mistakes again if you get in a new relationship. Regretting your mistakes now is a start, but you do need to believe her when she says you cannot turn back time and regain the relationship. What you need to do is work on what to do next.

She says the romantic aspect of your relationship is over for her, so do her the justice of believing her and try not to wallow in resentment or regret. You have an upcoming child, and this means that together the two of you must act as parents to the child (even though not in a relationship with each other). Here, this kind of relationship is akin to a friendship but grounded in the love for the child that you both have, and is called "co-parenting." Your baby deserves this much from you. In fact, you would not be much of a man if you let your anguish at the loss of the mother as a girlfriend mean you do not take an active, daily, loving interest in your child, and help as needed to take care of the baby, and also pay your share for the child's upkeep. That is enough to plan for that you should be able to lift yourself out of the grief and regret for your past actions (or lacks). You might not ever wind up ideal boyfriend or husband material in her mind -- that ship seems to have sailed. But you could still be an excellent co-parent.

Again, please see a counselor if you can, and talk this all over. If there was not going to be a baby, you could simply talk to the counselor about how not to make the same mistakes again with a new girlfriend, and move on with your life. But your child means you need to do more. You cannot walk away from your child. The plan for how to help the mother has to be worked out with her, but it would be wise to talk to the counselor first.

Good luck, this is a bumpy introduction to adulthood for you, but you never know -- your child might lead you through.
2 Comments
thank you very much for the reply, every single comments helps a lot, i never said i would Abaddon the child.. i would love him more than ever, as i just love my girlfriend, it is just the frustration and the loss of a relation is what making me close everything and have no connection... tomorrow we are seeing our consular but i do not think anything will change... we will discuss what we want but i do think its the end of it...
I said above "you do need to believe her when she says you cannot regain the relationship," and I meant it. My answer was about what to do next to preserve your relationship with your baby. I never thought it sounded like your relationship was going to be saved. It sounds over. Believe it. Then go on and be a good dad.
207091 tn?1337709493
You say you are young, but you've been together for 9 years. If you started dating at 14, you'd be 23, which is young, and you both have changed so much since you started dating.

One thing about relationships is that while they do take work, and communication is really important, sometimes they don't work if the people in them aren't good matches. She wants romance and a lot of emotion- that's not who you are. Maybe you could make more of an effort to share your emotions and feelings, but that will take time, and you've had 9 years.

I have to say that other than being really sad about the break up, you sound a little detached from things - "she found herself pregnant" - she didn't find herself pregnant, right? You and she had sex, and she got pregnant. You are part of this.

You were "surprised" when she broke up with you "all of a sudden" despite years of her expressing dissatisfaction and her developing feelings for your best friend who was there for her emotionally. Were you not taking that seriously, or were you not paying attention, or maybe you just didn't want to believe things had gotten as bad as they had?

You weren't all that happy either, right? You "made sacrifices" to move in with her. This should be a happy time, not something you do just for your partner. You were "emotionless" - your own words. Does that mean you weren't feeling emotions or weren't expressing them?

She's not perfect, either. No one is. She wanted things from you that maybe you can't give. Instead of leaning on her own friends, she leaned on your best friend (who I'd check, too) and developed feelings for him. How far did that go?

I don't say any of this to be mean, honestly. I'm a stranger on the internet just offering observations. Right now, you are feeling the loss and she's going to have your baby. That's huge. I'm just suggesting that you take an honest look at the relationship as objectively as possible. I wish you the best of luck.
134578 tn?1614729226
I also dislike suggesting this because it doesn't seem like it would be true, but please get a DNA test with the baby when the child is born, before you sign the birth certificate. You want to be certain you are the father.
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