I don't think there is much you can do because plainly, he's not interested. You've already tried talking to him about this, without results. It's more important now to concentrate on you and your needs. Make sure you and your child have a safe place to live and that you're able to provide for yourself and your baby. Get emotional support through friends and family, or even consider a professional. Make steps in the direction of leaving the marriage. If he'll lose his temper for months over a small argument, and won't apologise or work with you, it's not worth saving.
YOU AND YOUR BABY DESERVE A PARTNER AND DADDY THAT IS DIALED IN THAT YOU ARE BOTH HIS NUMBER ONE PRIORITY NOW AND FOREVER. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT WHAT HE MAY NOT BE CAPABLE OF , SOMEONE ELSE IS, GIVEN TIME AND THE OPPORTUNITY.
Take the time to cherish these most special of times with your new baby. They will last a lifetime and your child will be the greatest gift that you'll ever have received. I just celebrated my son's 30th Birthday with his soul mate and no matter what happens here, you WILL FIND YOURS. with time and patience.
This guy needs to be required to go to marriage counselling. The advice he's getting right now is way off base. You both need a neutral party to help you both make the best decisions and if he's not there, he's too immature to be married. This is has nothing to do with you, or the argument you had, that should have long been forgiven and forgotten. SM is right, in every marriage things are said in the heat of the moment and they are forgiven, in marriages that survive. and thrive.
You have gotten such wonderful advice here so far.
i'll add my mantra that works so well for so many to keep things simple and to find your peace and equilibrium.
God, Grant Me the Serenity To Accept The Things I Cannot Change,
The Courage To Change The Things I Can
And the Wisdom to Know The Difference.
keep your thread open sweet girl, we're all here and we'll be following you every step of the way, You're NOT alone.
You have gotten such wonderful advice here so far.
i'll add my mantra that works so well for so many to keep things simple and to find your peace and equilibrium.
God, Grant Me the Serenity To Accept The Things I Cannot Change,
The Courage To Change The Things I Can
And the Wisdom to Know The Difference.
keep your thread open sweet girl, we're all here and we'll be following you every step of the way, You're NOT alone.
I'm the sort that looks for the why. Sure, could be simple mental crisis stuff that some guys go through after life gets serious (living with significant other, having kids, day in day out work . . .) but something about this seems like there is more to it.
Everyone in a relationship says hurtful things once in a while, unfortunately. We normally can move past that if our relationship has stability and overall is positive. I would wonder if it is not something like he has upped his drug usage to more serious offenses than pot or simply gone back to getting high when you asked him not to OR there is dabbling in things like other women OR there is a safe place to just be irresponsible like playing video games or whatever stupid stuff guys do and get given a hard time by their partners for as they should have other responsibilities (like their wife and child) to attend to. Or the other possibility which is hard to swallow, that he is seriously wondering if he wants to be in this relationship and is afraid to come clean about that. He's avoiding being there and he's avoiding being honest.
Something is going on it feels like. My warning bells would be WAY up. You'll get nowhere talking to his friends or family or even acquaintances about it. I'd stop that altogether. (plus, I learned long ago that if you complain about things to these people, they NEVER forget and then hold it in their minds defining that relationship forever. Example, I had a friend whose husband had a one night stand on her. He also racked up credit card bills behind her back putting them in major debt. She told him to leave. He called her bipolar and left and went to a motel. They had a 6 month old. After a week passed and my friend had not heard from her husband at all, she began calling him. She then began begging him to come home to work it out. He told her that she acted crazy and he needed to think about it, mind you, HE had done some serious crap in their relationship. He stayed gone a full second week and then came home. That was 18 years ago, and they are still married with FIVE kids. Guess what? I can't take their marriage seriously. I can't stand her husband. I do not want to be around him. **I** will never forget how he acted and what he did. My friend has moved on but it is always in my mind because I know every gory detail. I realized you have to be careful. You DO need a confident but make it a very small and select group because if you DO get together again, they may judge the relationship based on his previous actions and doubt it. OR another issue is that they can interfere and become involved in the issues you have with your man and give THEIR opinions to your problems as a couple and you don't need others to mess things up or say the wrong thing or speak for you, etc.) You are probably going to have to just ask the really hard question stating that you WANT and CAN HANDLE the truth.
Anyway, I may be off base on some of this or get some details wrong. But you do paint a picture of a man up to something. And uninterested in his REAL life. You are probably smart to just live life as a busy woman with a child and let him know you are there if he gets his 'stuff' together (was going to use another word but think the site would filter my word, ha ha). Do you have insurance that would let you see a therapist on your own? I found that to be really helpful to work things through and get a clearer picture of something. And therapists are like your own personal cheerleader and offer coping strategies and ideas to improve things. But I know it takes time and money . . . so not sure if your insurance would cover something like that. Church's often have trained counselors too. Any denomination, no denomination, whatever suits you.
Is your man staying at your place or is he gone at the new 'friend's at night?
Oh, and I'm sure it hurts even more because of your child. Mom's are so attached to our kids, it is hard to imagine how anyone can be distant to their child like that!
Hi. welcome to the forum! So, does your husband have a history of drug use? That was my first thought as well if he does. Secrets, disappearing and behavior changes are some of the hallmark signs. I think finding out why he is lying is a top priority. He may need more help for himself that working on improving this marriage right this second if he has fallen back down a rabbit hole. And you hate to wonder about an affair. But I kind of go there as well.
Babies do change the dynamics of a relationship and some men have a hard time with it. How old is your little one?
But this issue sounds sudden and like there is a different root cause than what is happening IN the home and it has an external core. So, let me know if drugs could be the issue or what you think is at the bottom of this disappearing and not being where he says, etc. When you ask him about this, what is his response?
Yoiks, that is not good. One little argument and he walks out? I believe him saying he does not know what he wants, but after three years, maybe he should figure it out. Right now he is hiding out, so he won't have to decide, but it really seems that his actions are signalling more than mere ambivalence.
If I were you, I would tell him just what you did tell him, we can separate but basically I just need to know what is what. See if he is open to talking to a counselor, or a minister if you guys go to a good church, or even to a trusted aunt or uncle. He needs to be able to lay things out in his mind so he can tell you where he is mentally over this relationship.
Whether or not he got married to you only three months ago, this is a longer-ago pattern, and he really doesn't sound entirely ready to have gotten married. I'm sorry but you do need to stay open to the possibility that the marriage was a wrong move for him, you do NOT want to be married to a foot-dragger for years who never fully meant it. Marriage is hard enough when it is entered into with happy commitment by two adults. Again, I'm very sorry. But you sound like you have your head on straight about facing whatever the status really is. Write back.