Mad rantings of an insecure woman or justified???

[hra1975]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 1 ½ yrs. Things for the most part are good, but there are a couple things that have been nagging at me…and I’d like some other perspectives. We rarely; if ever fight but there have been a few times where something he has done upsets me or hurts my feelings. In several instances where I was upset or hurt, I have had a hard time getting a response or I get an unsatisfying response.  Here are a couple snippets of the type of things I am talking about:
Scenario #1 –  “Lisa” a friend from past reconnects with him via  Facebook, a few weeks later, I find out myself that she has been calling him 3-4 nights a week, while he is on his way to work. I ask about it…he says yes she has been calling…he did not realize it has been that much…she seems lonely, just talking, there’s nothing there…Me: why does she only call on the way to work then? No response…Me: Why has this never been mentioned to me? “It seemed like she was kinda looking for more and I thought you would be upset”…Me: heavy sarcasm no ****!! Why didn’t you put a stop to it if you thought she wanted more?...”well I knew there was nothing there for me, so I did not think it was a big deal to talk to her”. This situation had me in knots…I did not understand it when it happened and I do not understand it now. It made me feel vulnerable and insecure and I lost some confidence in the relationship and to be honest my guy. He thinks it was only an issue because I am insecure and lack confidence, that most women would not have been so upset. To me it was the first chink in the armor, to this point I was not having doubts…They continued to talk although less often and exchange occasional texts, even though they both knew how I felt about it…Flash forward a couple months…we are on vacation “Lisa” see’s pictures on facebook…sends a text, which he shows me…looks like you are having fun…if you love her(me), why haven’t you married her yet? He does not respond…I am crushed(not that I was expecting him to say he was going to marry me, just something…cause to me she was asking him a question, that question being should I just leave you alone and move on, and he left it open. I do not know if they are still talking occasionally or not.
Scenario #2 – At a party outside, I am sitting in a chair he is standing behind me “Tina” is beside him, 4 different times I turn to look at him and she is rubbing her hands up and down his backside…neither of them know I am seeing this…I did not say anything then “Tina” is much bigger than I, had a few drinks and is known to be hot-headed. On the way home, Me: So I seen “Tina” rubbing you. “Yeah she was pretty drunk” Me: Why didn’t you walk away? “Didn’t seem like a big deal, a little drunk flirting is all” Me: Really? “Well if I had known you seen it, I would have done something about it” Me: WTF, is that supposed to make it better?, What if I hadn’t been there at all? What if it had been someone besides Tina, that was more attractive and that you liked more(Tina is rather unpleasant in many aspects)? “Why are you always looking for something that isn’t there, it’s like you don’t trust me at all?”
Obviously there was a lot more said, but this should give the general idea. To me both of these things should have been stopped by him, seems to me his lack of a response is a response (not to me, but to Tina and Lisa). If it were me I would be thinking well, he hasn’t told me to stop or walked away, or given me any reason to believe he doesn’t want me to keep on doing, whatever it is they are doing…am off base on this? Does this just sound to you like I am being jealous and insecure, because that is what he thinks…but these things truly hurt me, and I don’t feel like they are a result of me being insecure, but that I am insecure as a result of these instances. Do I need to lighten up? He really feels like he wasn’t doing anything wrong and he is not big on confrontation or hurting people’s feelings…but what about my feelings? What gives?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I'm firm on a few things and one is the behavior of the man I'm with.  I have expectations and I do not budge on them.  

A good one would be that if a woman is touching him as you describe---------- that he immediately walk away.  Period.  That is appropriate and the 'innocent flirting' comment he made means he liked it, pure and simple.  And you were there.  Does this not make you wonder what it is like when you are not present.  I'd be worried.

There is something called 'secondary gain'.  This is when we let something happen such as a lonely ex who may still be a little interested calls-----------  we say we are just being friendly but really the secondary gain for you is that it totally strokes your ego.  This is dangerous stuff and I would not in a million years tie myself to someone that needs secondary gain. Then he will act committed to you but have 'friendships' on the side that make his ego feel good.  A co worker, an old friend, your friends, etc.  Do not feel like every guy is like this---------- they aren't.  It is a problem specific to some men and some women.  Avoid it in your life.

I loathe facebook and am happy that my husband isn't interested.  Seems to create a lot of opportunity for connection that wasn't there before it hit the internet.  

My husband has female friends-------------  ones that I am friends with as well.  When we met, he had many female girlfriends----------- MANY.  Some, I'm sure gave him that secondary gain because he wasn't too interested in him but they were in him and it stroked his ego.  Guess what happened?  As soon as we were a serious couple, those friends disappeared.  Not because my husband said a word to them about us---------  he just wasn't available for the 'innocent flirting' anymore.  And his female friends that had no interest in me and only him also disappeared because we were now a unit/a couple.  I've got a few close friends that were his friends first that he introduced me too.  We hit it off and we now hang.  But the others that weren't interested in that are gone . . . long gone.  And it happened naturally without me saying one word to my husband about it or he to them.  It was his attitude and committment to us that made it that way.

This is what I think you should want from your boyfriend.  After a year and a half, you must think about if he needs those ego strokes too much for you to stomach.  What you describe would be too much for me.  I'd let him know how you feel and see if he agrees.  If he does not, don't waste your time planning a long time relationship with him.  Find someone that lives within a boundary that is comfortable for you.

good luck

[Myown]

Hi again;)

I just wanted to mention one more thing - for down the road in your relationship....This is just my opinion, but for my relationship with my Husband it was something that I considered important.

I feel that it is very, very important that me and my Husband are in agreement with the type of people who we surround ourselves with. It was very important to me for me to see who my Husband considers is "nice" or a "good person" etc. So during the dating time, I took notice of all his friends, their behavior, their outlook on life etc. Because I figured IF EVER down the road we had a bump in our relationship, he just might go to one of these people for advice - who knows, maybe, right?

So with that said - I wanted to make sure that we not only agreed on who we thought were good people BUT did his close friends all like and respect me? The answer was yes - his friends are all great people and the type that would have definitely always wanted to see things work out between us...

My Husband wound up being the type that would never take any issue we might have gone thru to any of his friends for advice. All of our speed bumps we worked out together,,,but we all know, some guys and even some women go to "friends" for advice about their relationship,,,,,,so what I mentioned is just my opinion, but its just something to consider maybe.

If my Husband had lady friends in his life that didn't like me, that could eventually lead to "bad advice" IF he would have asked for advice, ya know what I mean?...
But thank God as I mentioned, he is not the type to go outside our relationship,,,but some guys are and I guess that is okay at times - but IMO, know who that person(s) would be and think about that. Maybe this doesn't make sense at this point in your relationship but down the road it might....

Take care.

[teko]

A guy that uses the excuse of I didnt have a problem with it and is a non confrontational sort on top of it it the combination of a guy saying, I will do what I want, you are sick, you need help, get over it sort of guy. Doesnt make it right or wrong I guess, but more of what you want in YOUR life. Ask yourself the following question.  If instead of him and this girl. What if it had been you and a guy and him doing the responding. How would he respond? Would it then b no big deal? If someone was rubbing on your behind in front of you, would he think it no big deal? If your answer is that no he is non confrontational and thinks that kind of thing is just him being overly sensitive, then you can probably believe him and take things from face value. If however, he would be upset and react much like you have, then what that tells you is he is full of sht and is not to be trusted and you probably need to move on down the road and let him b someone elses heartache. imo

[Myown]

You're 100% justified. He is not just a "date" - you guys are in a steady relationship, so you have every right to tell him this kind of stuff upsets you.

He told you she wants more and that he didn't have to tell you so I think he is trying to show you that he really doesn't care for this woman because if he did he wouldn't have told you she wants more. But he doesn't realize that by telling you that, yes his honesty is a good thing, but that still doesn't make it okay that she calls when you know her intentions are not good..

He doesn't realize this woman is turning into a haunt and he might not be able to get rid of her that easily once he starts to feel annoyed with her constant calling...

Some men like to surround themselves with women and that type of guy you do NOT want to marry. There is always something wrong with that type - the one who craves female attention.

I don't think your bf is in that category because again he was upfront and honest with you about her wanting "more." I would just sit down again and ask him to think about how he would feel if some guy was calling you practically daily with the intent of "wanting more."

There always needs to be an understanding in any relationship of what's considered 'crossing the line."

But anyhow - talk to him again and let him know how you want him to make it very clear to this girl that she can no longer call. The best thing for him to do would be to tell her that he senses she wants to be more than friends and that can never be because he is serious about his relationship with you.

Sometimes things like this have to happen in order for a relationship to become stronger - growing pains. You want to make sure he knows how to handle stuff like this before you guys get married. Never marry someone with hope that they will change - make sure you like the way he handles himself around women BEFORE you marry him not after.

Good luck and hope things work out soon.

[AnnieBrooke]

It sounds like you want him to be and do more than he is, and he wants to just hang out and let things go.  This is not much of a match of intentions.  If he's into letting things like that go, it probably means he's not ready for a full commitment, no matter whether he is your boyfriend or not.  And you can't ever argue and challenge someone into being ready for a full commitment.  I'd either lighten up on the whole issue (and not expect husband-like behavior from him), or I'd leave.