No Affection

[kittie335]

Hi there,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. I had 2 children from a previous marriage and we now have a baby together as well. He is a good dad to all 3 kids and we really never fight and rarely even disagree. I have been going crazy lately though because he has been showing me no affection whatsoever for months. I know that there is no one else and that he loves me. I have tried everything to get his attention...and even when I go to him and hug and kiss him he barely aknowledges that I am there. I really need just some basic physical contact but I get nothing. Even when it comes to sex I am always the one to initiate it now and then he does respond well to that but I just don;t know how to address this problem without trying to make it into a huge issue. Can anyone help?

[kittie335]

Yes I do know the symptoms of depression as i have suffered badly for 6 years and am only in the last few months getting better. I have found an amazing counselor that has changed my life. Have been wondering if maybe because I am so much  better now that he doesn't feel the need to help or fix me so to speak. Also I was very unaffectionate before so maybe he is taking this time to just sit back and enjoy receiving all of my affection now? I realize sex and affection are very different and it really isn't an issue with sex just last night kinda freaked me out cause  he has never been like that before. Anyways he says nothing is wrong and maybe I am being overly emotional lately guess it is something i can discuss further with my counselor. Thanks so much for taking the time for all of your input it is much appreciated.

[j7653]

If things have really been as you described for months and you cannot figure out what it could be, perhaps he is depressed about something.  I know that that sounds obvious, but I suffer from boughts of depression and sometimes the physical symptoms present themselves before I am cognitively aware that I am depressed (lack of sex drive, withdrawn from family, isolation, etc...).  Has he shown any other signs of depression?  You can look up the list of tell-tale signs somewhere here on the site.

When I am acting like your BF is acting it is either because I am holding some resentment towards my wife about something like money, sex, parenting (and usually she doesnt even know what the issue is) or I am depressed.

[teko]

Sex and affection are two different things. Cuddling while watching a movie is affection. Maybe everytime he puts his arm around you he thinks you want sex?

[kittie335]

Well last night I decided I should just chalk it up to all the things you guys mentioned and let it go. So while in bed i start kissing him and he was pretty responsive although not as much as usual but anyways during sex he kinda just layed there not really doing much and not seeming that into it at all. After when we went out for a cig I couldn't take it any longer so I just askied him, is there some reason why it seems that you don't really want to get close to me anymore? All he said was no its probably just your imagination. Then he said he was tired and went back to bed. Well I didn;t get much sleep and i really feel like he didn't even want to have sex. If he was just tired I wish he would have just said so cause now I just feel like a complete idiot.

[Judy246]

Maybe he is either stressed or just tired. He works all day, comes home to 3 kids that also need attention. I bet he just wants to relax, have dinner and watch a little tv, then he is too tired for anything else. Have a talk with him at the right time and maybe you might want to go away for the weekend (get a babysitter) and spend some time alone.

It's had to show affection in front of busy kids and intimacy, might make them aware of sounds they shouldn't be hearing (lol)...anyway, this one is fixable. Talk to him on how can both of you spend personal time, without the kids.

[teko]

Nothin wrong with sittin down in front of the tv on the couch and pulling his arm around you. Not so suttle hints seem to work well.

[kittie335]

thanks for the advice everyone. We have actually planned an overnight trip in a few weeks with no kids so I plan to make the most of it. I know he isn;t cheating or anything like that and he does love me I just miss the little things. I have mentioned it to him only in a joking sort of manner as that is the way that we are together but he just said he does not know why he doesn;t do that stuff anymore. So not sure if we should have a sit down and real talk about it. I don't want to make him feel bad either as im sure it is not something he is doing on purpose.

[j7653]

I like the idea of date night.  I used to think it was too contrived, but after my wife and I started doing it we really enjoyed it and it got us feeling closer and talking about things again (other than our daughter).

The addition of a baby is pretty heavy, especially since you two are not married.  When my wife and I had our daughter our relationship felt even MORE permanent than when we got married.  Perhaps that is on his mind?

Good luck.

[teko]

As time goes by, people settle into relationships and patterns. Men in general are not affectionate on the whole.  You need to convey your feelings to him. Tell him how much you like it and need it.  I am sure if he knows how much you miss it he will correct the problem.  I would bet on it. Just from the way you describe him.

[megochick101]

It may just be the added stress that comes with a new baby affecting his sex drive. If i'm really stressed out the hubby is basically out of luck so to speak lol

Have you talked to him about it? I would try sitting down with him(when kids are asleep so no distractions) and telling him how you feel. He probably doesn't even realize that he's doing it, and he won't realize it until you tell him how you feel. Just try to talk to him calmly about it and see how it goes. If nothing changes after your talk then I would be a bit suspicious as to why he isn't showing affection.

Also maybe you could suggest a date night so that the two of you could have some alone time together(where there is no talk of kids or work!lol) Even if it's just dinner it'll help you both relax and spending time together without the kids will help you guys connect a little more.