bipolar husband?

[freefalling]

My husband of 30 years has walked out on us more times than I can count. (We have 3 kids in college. They mostly pay their own way.) Every time there is a birthday party, holiday family gathering,vacation planned; or any little thing goes wrong, like kids arguing, chores to be done, medical problems, car problems, he runs. I don't know where he is or if he'll come back. He has ruined more celebrations and vacations than I care to count.  We have a lovely home and just about whatever we need. Now he tells me that he never wanted any of it (kids included!)-yet he was there when it all went down for 30 years worth.
He leaves me with all the bills, home and car maintainence and child care. When he's here he gives me money but he is gone more frequently, and much longer. What's left after he pays so much for hotel rooms is grown so that I can no longer keep up on my disability from SS. The roof has started leaking, the carpet is bare,the major appliances (especially the fridge) are failing. I can't drive so a dead car isn't an issue, but things like utilities, insurance are issues. I have asked him to get a lawyer for a divorce, but he says he has no money because he gives it all to me. I have asked him to sign a listing agreement so the house can be sold and I can find a house I can afford. He says I have to pay him half of the house value up front before he'll do anything. The house is becoming unliveable and I'm free falling. What can I do?

[peacefulnow]

I really do understand how you feel having been there myself. At some point I realised life is short and I am also important and it's not to late to move on. Looking back now I can't tell you what changes but you will wake up one day and start living life for you and not in the shadow of this nightmare. It never goes away and who is going to take care of you when you retire? I look after what I have now and cherish the peace. He nearly destroyed me over 19 years and no more. Bipolar whatever, think of yourself now before it haqs two victims.

[peacefulnow]

I really do understand how you feel having been there myself. At some point I realised life is short and I am also important and it's not to late to move on. Looking back now I can't tell you what changes but you will wake up one day and start living life for you and not in the shadow of this nightmare. It never goes away and who is going to take care of you when you retire? I look after what I have now and cherish the peace. He nearly destroyed me over 19 years and no more. Bipolar whatever, think of yourself now before it haqs two victims.

[nutzey]

You are in the same boat as me.  My ex did the spending thing now he ran of because of to much stress.  Now in another relationship and is so selfish in regards to settlement he wants everything and hates me.  Now have restraining order on him.  Take care of yourself none of this will stop till he gets help.  Don't  give him a second thought think of yourself.

[Lorielle]

I've read several books about Bi Polar and spending like that is one of the very serious symptoms.  Its crazy, but if he is Bi Polar which it definitely sounds like he is, he really can't control it without medication.  A good book is "An Unquiet Mind" (its been 10 years since I read it, I'm pretty sure that is the title).  His spending problems will continue until he gets help.  In that book, the author is a therapist who has Bi Polar and she tells of coming out of a manic stage to find herself surrounded by over $10,000 worth of stuff she didn't need and never would have bought if she'd been in her right mind.  Its a sad and terrible disease, but there is help available.  And, usually people who have it are very intelligent.  

[FeelUsed]

My husband has been diagnosed as being bipolar and I must say he really DRAINS ME.  We've been married for 23 years, and we have liquidated $100,000 of our retirement 401K to pay off his debts, mortgaged the house 2 times, and he's gets more Visa cards and spends behind my back.  Right now, even though he promised to not spend anymore, in the last month I have learned that he's done it again, I looking down at a list of bills he's run up and it goes as follows:
2200.00  Capital One Visa
4770.00  Cardmember Services
?            First Premier Bank
?            US Bank - Harley
1480.00  BP Private Label
3990.00  Chase Credit Cards
8280.00  Discover
845.00    US Bank- Crome
8121.00  Retail Services - Kawasaki
2182.00  Capital One (a second one)

He wants to know if I will take him to Outback on his birthday and if we have the money get him a new weedeater... : /

Our house was being renovated, he got in a motorcycle accident last year, has had 2 surgeries to try and correct his leg, and before he could get off the crutches months later, I was laid off from my job at a law firm which I worked at for 14 years, luckily found a new job, and then we were robbed in our home at gun point, he was shot in the shoulder and beaten in the face (we have lived in our neighborhood for 22 years and have never had a single thing stolen) and I had a gun held to my head the entire time they were robbing us while someone in the background was saying- just kill the bitc_, just kill the bitc_ over and over... so I thought well, I might as well just lay back down on the couch and put the pillow over my head and wait for the bang, thank God we survived that... and then I learn about all of the debt again.  

I just don't understand WHY HE HAS TO SPEND SPEND SPEND all of the time.  I buy my clothes at the thrift stores, and second hand shops, and some of my shoes.  It's crazy.

I have my husband lined up to see a new doctor that might be able to help him.  An old childhood friend of mine, has a wife, that is also bipolar and this particular doctor and made her a new woman the woman he had married in the first place, so I was hoping he can help my husband once and for all.  

I'm numb though... I am not even surprised anymore and I just feel soooooooooooo defeated.  I am tired of working for all of his things though... really tired.

[Haremiliana]

I'm not sure about bipolar but I'm pretty sure that your husband is the type of person who like to run away when there's problem, get legal help solve this once and for all all the best good luck.

[Funkee2munkee]

I think that maybe your husband has deeper issues that you are unaware about, problems at work, debt problems, who knows.  He probably runs out, during stressful times, like arguements, household cleaning, whatever, because it's more stress than he can handle, even if it doesn't seem like a big deal to you, and with all the distress it's causing you, that probably causes more stress.  Have you tried asking him if he would go to couples counselling, or even counselling on his own?  He needs to get out whatever it is that's bothering him, or nothing will ever get better, even if you do end up divorcing, he'll still be in that black cloud.  You mentioned that your kids are college age, have they ever talked to him about it?  Having someone other than yourself talk to him is less threating and aggrivating to him, as men always seem to think we're hounding them.  

Hope you figure everything out.

[kris123]

In your posting you state that your husband is bipolar.  I'm not sure if this is true or you are just stating that he acts like he is - sorry for not seeing it clearly.  I myself have bipolar and it sounds like he needs to be put on meds.  Most bipolar people like to run when there is trouble and do not like to face life or it's "problems."  Does he take meds?  Would he agree to take meds?  

As for the house thing - you should go talk to someone about it.  I hate to see someone in this mess and I pray you make it through.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Go to Legal Aid and find yourself a lawyer.  

He is not entitled to equity in the house until it is sold.  He is playing games and yanking your chain.

Do not delay, take care of yourself immediately.