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cheap men
i was just wondering... how does one deal with a bf/husband thats very cheap?
me n my bf r movin in together officially as of next month (even tho ive been livin at his place for the last 3-4 months). but now im giving up my own apt.
anyways, the "cheap" topic keeps coming up with us. if he buys me a pack of cigs he wants 5$ back. today he said that 8$ from mcdonalds.. is too expensive!!! i mean cummon!! 8$!!
he makes triple what i do.
i never ask for anythin, he never bought me anything (i got a card for my birthday). but im very independent, and just tell myself - i dont need his money, i have my own.
is this fixable? how can i get pass this? any advice?
thanx to all =)
me n my bf r movin in together officially as of next month (even tho ive been livin at his place for the last 3-4 months). but now im giving up my own apt.
anyways, the "cheap" topic keeps coming up with us. if he buys me a pack of cigs he wants 5$ back. today he said that 8$ from mcdonalds.. is too expensive!!! i mean cummon!! 8$!!
he makes triple what i do.
i never ask for anythin, he never bought me anything (i got a card for my birthday). but im very independent, and just tell myself - i dont need his money, i have my own.
is this fixable? how can i get pass this? any advice?
thanx to all =)
I guess I have a different take on this because I have always made more money than the guys I have dated. I started being very ambiguous about how much money I made because they would start expecting me to pay for everything. I always paid when I made the dinner suggestion but if they wanted to do something they should expect to pay too. People who make decent living that is more than the people they date (whether male or female) get really tired of the "You make so much more than me so I am entitled to some of yours" attitude. I wasn't dating to be someone's Mom and I don't have to "share" my money with you unless we are married. You'd be surprised how much 5$ here and there can add up and it doesn't feel good to have to look at someone you might want to date as a potential financial investment. Plus I would never ask someone to buy me something (even cigarettes) without giving them money. I would also never ask for a "loan" for bills or to be bought something I can't buy for myself. Is this guy a boyfriend or a bank?
I do find the lack of gift giving a little odd but then I suspect he is feeling the pull on his wallet and he is pulling back. I would just have an honest conversation about expenses and expectations and see if you can live with whatever he thinks. I don't think it is fair to demonize this guy just because he doesn't want to be someone's Sugar Daddy. I'm not saying that is what the OP is trying to do but he may just be a little leary if he has been taken advantage of before? How about explaining to him that you want gifts for your birthday as an expression of his affection but they can be something he made or does for you rather than something he has to spend a lot of cash on. Set a five dollar limit for both of you and then get creative. You will find out very quickly whether this guy is, as suggested in other posts, a stingy jerk who doesn't even care enough about you to put any effort into making you a gift; or just a guy who works really hard for his money and doesn't like feeling like he has to pay for your time.
PS.Now that I am married it is "our" money but we did negotiate savings goals, discresionary spending, and our money plan and philosophy before we got married. I had to give a little and he had to give a little but we came to what we both felt was a fair compromise and after five years together we have not had a single fight about money!
I do find the lack of gift giving a little odd but then I suspect he is feeling the pull on his wallet and he is pulling back. I would just have an honest conversation about expenses and expectations and see if you can live with whatever he thinks. I don't think it is fair to demonize this guy just because he doesn't want to be someone's Sugar Daddy. I'm not saying that is what the OP is trying to do but he may just be a little leary if he has been taken advantage of before? How about explaining to him that you want gifts for your birthday as an expression of his affection but they can be something he made or does for you rather than something he has to spend a lot of cash on. Set a five dollar limit for both of you and then get creative. You will find out very quickly whether this guy is, as suggested in other posts, a stingy jerk who doesn't even care enough about you to put any effort into making you a gift; or just a guy who works really hard for his money and doesn't like feeling like he has to pay for your time.
PS.Now that I am married it is "our" money but we did negotiate savings goals, discresionary spending, and our money plan and philosophy before we got married. I had to give a little and he had to give a little but we came to what we both felt was a fair compromise and after five years together we have not had a single fight about money!
Hi Broke
I couldn't believe it reading your letter, I am in almost exactly the same situation. My fiance earns 3 times what I do, and lately he got annoyed when I asked him for help with a phone bill. I have also been off work with no notice for 6 weeks and had over $1000 of medical bills which he hasn't helped with at all and I'm still paying off. He has gotten better over the course of our relationship; he now buys me things when he goes away, takes us out for dinner etc, but mostly he has his own things he wants to save his money for. I'm really struggling with this at the mo, which is how I ended up here! what have your thoughts been after reading peoples' responses to your problem?
Nell
I couldn't believe it reading your letter, I am in almost exactly the same situation. My fiance earns 3 times what I do, and lately he got annoyed when I asked him for help with a phone bill. I have also been off work with no notice for 6 weeks and had over $1000 of medical bills which he hasn't helped with at all and I'm still paying off. He has gotten better over the course of our relationship; he now buys me things when he goes away, takes us out for dinner etc, but mostly he has his own things he wants to save his money for. I'm really struggling with this at the mo, which is how I ended up here! what have your thoughts been after reading peoples' responses to your problem?
Nell
I would be concerned that he didn't give you a nice gift for your b-day. Both my husband and myself are thrifty. We are both the children of immigrants and grew up in households where parents saved and did not waste a thing. However, he will occassionally surprise me with a piece of jewellry and for my 40th birthday he have me tickets to the DR.
Do you have financial goals as a couple? Money is the number one things couples fight about. You need to work this out before you move in. We actually sat down together with a financial counsellor for advice before we were married. We decided our goals and how we were going to pay our bills and spend our money. And we NEVER fight about money. (not that we don't bicker about other things)
Work this out now.
Do you have financial goals as a couple? Money is the number one things couples fight about. You need to work this out before you move in. We actually sat down together with a financial counsellor for advice before we were married. We decided our goals and how we were going to pay our bills and spend our money. And we NEVER fight about money. (not that we don't bicker about other things)
Work this out now.
Broke - what are your plans for the finances once you move in together?
Are you planning to split everything 50/50, rent, utilities, etc.? If you are, I think this will quickly become a deal breaker.
My husband is extremely frugal, and he makes a lot of money, and I've never made hardly any because my background is social work. We never lived together before marriage, and when we got married we got a joint checking account, and as a married couple the money was "ours". Not "mine" and "yours". I think that might cause you some real problems.
My husband will opt to drive home from errands and make a sandwich rather than stopping at McDonalds because of the expense, and he'll plan ahead and use cash machines that don't charge $2 for a withdrawal rather than just getting cash at the grocery store and paying 2 bucks. So I understand that part about your boyfriend.
My husband, though, spends a lot of money on things that will last forever. He's bought me nice jewelry that will retain its value forever, he buys nice cars and nice furniture that he intends to have in the house forever.
It's kind of a concern that your boyfriend has never bought you any gifts.
Best wishes.
Are you planning to split everything 50/50, rent, utilities, etc.? If you are, I think this will quickly become a deal breaker.
My husband is extremely frugal, and he makes a lot of money, and I've never made hardly any because my background is social work. We never lived together before marriage, and when we got married we got a joint checking account, and as a married couple the money was "ours". Not "mine" and "yours". I think that might cause you some real problems.
My husband will opt to drive home from errands and make a sandwich rather than stopping at McDonalds because of the expense, and he'll plan ahead and use cash machines that don't charge $2 for a withdrawal rather than just getting cash at the grocery store and paying 2 bucks. So I understand that part about your boyfriend.
My husband, though, spends a lot of money on things that will last forever. He's bought me nice jewelry that will retain its value forever, he buys nice cars and nice furniture that he intends to have in the house forever.
It's kind of a concern that your boyfriend has never bought you any gifts.
Best wishes.
Cheapness IS a big enough deal - that's why you're asking for input from strangers. Believe me - I should know. I've had to learn the hard way (again). I was married to a cheap man (selfish is another word) - men that want to SAVE money for their partner or families - that's not CHEAP - mean that do things for themselves are selfish. Anyway - I'm a career woman. Independent. Don't NEED their money - but - it would be nice to have a man be thoughtful like I am. You don't have to spend a lot of money to show you care. It's when they make it VERY CLEAR that they DON'T want to spend a penny - it's RUDE, CRUDE AND HURTFUL. SELFISH. Get away. Cheapness DOES matter. Being frugal to have dreams come true for your family isn't cheap. If he's always talking about money - vs. always talking about a future with you and dreams you can make come true - he's cheap. Good luck to you. Rise above the cheapness in his actions. Low life! It DOES matter. When we have to asks ourselves (does it matter?) Yes - it does.
i know he wont change. people dont change, i learned that a long time ago the hard way.
im just trying to figure out if "cheapness" is a big enough deal. and to see if its something i can look past and live with.
he has a lot of positives, he cooks and cleans (more than i do), takes care of me if im sick, he will deffenetly never cheat (has very idealistic values, when it comes to that), he listens, he will be a good father, hes a workaholic, not bad alcohol or drug habits, comes from a good family (which seems to like me).
money is our bigest issue. im just hoping when i make enough money, and together we r not going pay check to pay check, the stress will ease off.
and to answer ur question, im 23 and really not thinking too much long tearm. id want to be with my kids while they r little, but i also dont think i can be without a carrer.
just trying to figure out if there is a way to live with a cheap man...
sorry i keep writing novels =)
im just trying to figure out if "cheapness" is a big enough deal. and to see if its something i can look past and live with.
he has a lot of positives, he cooks and cleans (more than i do), takes care of me if im sick, he will deffenetly never cheat (has very idealistic values, when it comes to that), he listens, he will be a good father, hes a workaholic, not bad alcohol or drug habits, comes from a good family (which seems to like me).
money is our bigest issue. im just hoping when i make enough money, and together we r not going pay check to pay check, the stress will ease off.
and to answer ur question, im 23 and really not thinking too much long tearm. id want to be with my kids while they r little, but i also dont think i can be without a carrer.
just trying to figure out if there is a way to live with a cheap man...
sorry i keep writing novels =)
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