Aa
Moving forward
Its now been a little over 2 months since I left my boyfriend of 6 years. The relationship was physically abusive in the past and on/off verbally as well, looking back now I don't know why or how I put up with it as long as I did. I had to move back in with my mother, because I was only working part time and was not able to save any money. Just started a really good job, in fact its my "dream job" so everything is looking forward apart from the insane text messages I still occasionally get from ex, normally concerning our daughter. Everything is slowly getting on the right track.
My concern is throughout all the "drama" of leaving my ex and moving I called on a friend for some much needed support. I've known him longer then my now ex and he tried getting with me before and was well aware of my home situation throughout the years always tried to convince me to leave but at the same always said he would be here for me if I needed him. He lives out of state. He has came to visit a few times, and I have gone there and visited him and one thing lead to another, we are and have always been best friends, and I am not sure if its because of what is going on with my life, or if we rushed into things or of course just everything all together but I am getting concerned we may have risked our friendship. I made it very clear and he understood I had to get my life back on track and get everything squared away before we got anymore serious then what we were, granted we did talk about the future to some extent and what we had hoped for as individuals and as a couple. We would talk every morning and before bed, and text throughout the day here and there.
We had a visit scheduled and due to work being needed done and his vehicle and lack of finances because his work week was cut short the visit was cancelled. I had told him 2 weeks prior because he had concerns about his vehicle on his last trip up that if it wasn't safe that we could just reschedule and he kept telling me it was fine. I talked to him on a sat and then for 2 days he wouldn't answer my phone calls but would text me short answers ( which is normal behavior for him from time to time, especially when he gets stressed out ) I came right out and asked him about if was going to make it, deep down I knew at the point I wasn't going to get to see him, so then of course I start getting concerned about other things if maybe had a change of heart, I don't want to loose his friendship..etc and asked to be validated and he said we were good. I started my new job he text me in the morning to have a good day and that he could never do anything to loose me as a friend, checked back in later on in the day.....and that was that...I haven't herd from him since and this is the weekend he was suppose to be here. So guess I am just looking for advice or guidance on how to handle the situation, its been 3 days, and I've text him at least once each day and tried calling him last night. I am not going to go all crazy and keep texting/calling normally when he's distant he is working things out, and I can get that he needs space, I am doing my best to trust in that. My womens intuition has me all over the place one min I'm good and the next again I'm concerned if we rushed things, if he just wanted to be sure I was going to to go back to my ex, most of all I just don't want to loose him as a friend and by not having an open line of communication I have no idea at all what he's going through to help him out or to ease my mind.
My concern is throughout all the "drama" of leaving my ex and moving I called on a friend for some much needed support. I've known him longer then my now ex and he tried getting with me before and was well aware of my home situation throughout the years always tried to convince me to leave but at the same always said he would be here for me if I needed him. He lives out of state. He has came to visit a few times, and I have gone there and visited him and one thing lead to another, we are and have always been best friends, and I am not sure if its because of what is going on with my life, or if we rushed into things or of course just everything all together but I am getting concerned we may have risked our friendship. I made it very clear and he understood I had to get my life back on track and get everything squared away before we got anymore serious then what we were, granted we did talk about the future to some extent and what we had hoped for as individuals and as a couple. We would talk every morning and before bed, and text throughout the day here and there.
We had a visit scheduled and due to work being needed done and his vehicle and lack of finances because his work week was cut short the visit was cancelled. I had told him 2 weeks prior because he had concerns about his vehicle on his last trip up that if it wasn't safe that we could just reschedule and he kept telling me it was fine. I talked to him on a sat and then for 2 days he wouldn't answer my phone calls but would text me short answers ( which is normal behavior for him from time to time, especially when he gets stressed out ) I came right out and asked him about if was going to make it, deep down I knew at the point I wasn't going to get to see him, so then of course I start getting concerned about other things if maybe had a change of heart, I don't want to loose his friendship..etc and asked to be validated and he said we were good. I started my new job he text me in the morning to have a good day and that he could never do anything to loose me as a friend, checked back in later on in the day.....and that was that...I haven't herd from him since and this is the weekend he was suppose to be here. So guess I am just looking for advice or guidance on how to handle the situation, its been 3 days, and I've text him at least once each day and tried calling him last night. I am not going to go all crazy and keep texting/calling normally when he's distant he is working things out, and I can get that he needs space, I am doing my best to trust in that. My womens intuition has me all over the place one min I'm good and the next again I'm concerned if we rushed things, if he just wanted to be sure I was going to to go back to my ex, most of all I just don't want to loose him as a friend and by not having an open line of communication I have no idea at all what he's going through to help him out or to ease my mind.
I can't lie it is hard, because he professes his love to me and talks about feelings and such and then kind of cuts off..so confusion is definitely something going through his head. Part of me just can't understand if he loves me so much and I'm extremely important to him and always will be then what is so darn hard about it all and trust me I really want to ask that question but now is not the right time or place for either one of us. I feel a lot of that is I have just started regaining some type of control over my life and things were starting to get normalized again with attainable goals and such and I feel kind of back into the unknown to some degree. I told a good friend of mine what had happened and the first question she asked me is if I was going back to my ex, of course not!!! I am still going to work towards the goals I already planned out they will just have to adjusted a little.
Getting my daughter ready for school like any other day was a blessing but just having the conversation with him about him deciding on not being sure about children, someone else or his own and my new job and how he feels I am really going to do well...made me look at her in a different more loving way. I have come so far with the circumstances with her dad, we are both parenting better I feel ( not co - parenting well together but there is more structure ) and for the first time in 6 years I have a job where someone is not nagging at me about the hours I work, or that I am not getting paid enough, keeping me up all late hours of the arguing. So even if I hurt, we are all human, I know by my reactions and the way we just picked up a conversation we are doing whats best for all right now.
Getting my daughter ready for school like any other day was a blessing but just having the conversation with him about him deciding on not being sure about children, someone else or his own and my new job and how he feels I am really going to do well...made me look at her in a different more loving way. I have come so far with the circumstances with her dad, we are both parenting better I feel ( not co - parenting well together but there is more structure ) and for the first time in 6 years I have a job where someone is not nagging at me about the hours I work, or that I am not getting paid enough, keeping me up all late hours of the arguing. So even if I hurt, we are all human, I know by my reactions and the way we just picked up a conversation we are doing whats best for all right now.
Well, at least he gave you an explaination. That was decent.
I would continue to keep some distance between you two because he is totally confused and you have other things to worry about. I don't see anything wrong with the occasional chit chats over the phone, but I definitely wouldn't encourage actual visits until this all cools a bit off.
I would continue to keep some distance between you two because he is totally confused and you have other things to worry about. I don't see anything wrong with the occasional chit chats over the phone, but I definitely wouldn't encourage actual visits until this all cools a bit off.
*Update*
So he text me last night: short version he is still sorting through stuff will always love me be friends and there are just to many obstacles that we can't overcome. Apologized and again said that he can't loose me as a friend...
he called me immediately after tried to make small talk about my new job since I just started last week and then did get into the more he thought about things, like the distance, having a child involved ( loosing freedom ) rethinking himself about wanting to be a parent, being financially stable and he is where is at and will never get away from it because of the past choices he has made ( they are nothing to entirely serious, and I've was aware of what he brought up following it ; he has always been concerned about that) he sounded scared as hell and teared up a little bit here and there, does want to talk some more but needless to say he just wanted to clear the air to some point. I am grateful for that and as he kept saying the friend thing, it kept going through my mind it will take some time to get back to that, as discussed here its not going to be the same but I let him talk and say what he needed to and that no matter the outcome we would be just fine. We chatted a little bit about we have done the last week and he asked me all about my new job said it would be really good for me and that was that.
So he text me last night: short version he is still sorting through stuff will always love me be friends and there are just to many obstacles that we can't overcome. Apologized and again said that he can't loose me as a friend...
he called me immediately after tried to make small talk about my new job since I just started last week and then did get into the more he thought about things, like the distance, having a child involved ( loosing freedom ) rethinking himself about wanting to be a parent, being financially stable and he is where is at and will never get away from it because of the past choices he has made ( they are nothing to entirely serious, and I've was aware of what he brought up following it ; he has always been concerned about that) he sounded scared as hell and teared up a little bit here and there, does want to talk some more but needless to say he just wanted to clear the air to some point. I am grateful for that and as he kept saying the friend thing, it kept going through my mind it will take some time to get back to that, as discussed here its not going to be the same but I let him talk and say what he needed to and that no matter the outcome we would be just fine. We chatted a little bit about we have done the last week and he asked me all about my new job said it would be really good for me and that was that.
It was good that he helped you a bit through a rough patch, but now it is time to focus on you and continue on the road of recovery.
All the best and keep us posted .
All the best and keep us posted .
I accidentally entered that before i was finished - It was worth but again that goes right back to the unhealthy relationships and what not. I'll just keep continuing on what I am doing with myself and whats best for my daughter .. thank you again for all of your input it has been very helpful.
Thank you all, as mentioned in my original post I just started a new job so that has been keeping me very busy and the type of work is "therapy" in itself. I have tried and tried to get connected to other sources and because of the area I live in there is little to none to give valuable help and support. I was very isolated and without going back to look someone had mentioned that and yes there is an adjustment period that I am still going through when it comes to that, again with my job that is a good start because it is giving me a "structured" environment to ease back into a "normal" living.
Regardless of the of turnout with this guy or lack of, he was there for me when I needed someone the most and I'll always be grateful for that and I guess with the situation I was in part of me knew that I was risking that and the risk was worth it
Regardless of the of turnout with this guy or lack of, he was there for me when I needed someone the most and I'll always be grateful for that and I guess with the situation I was in part of me knew that I was risking that and the risk was worth it
HI there! I agree with the replies you've gotten so far. I think this comment from SM really says a lot with just a few words:
". But I don't think this guy will be helpful to your 'staying on track'. "
I agree. I think if you trim ALL the fat away from this situation, really, the above statement says it all. Regardless of WHY the above is true, it really is. You moving forward to a more romantic relationship with this guy is causing more unneeded confusion and stress for you when you should be spending your time healing and working on YOU.
I agree also with trying to find new support systems. I've had "guy" friends when I was younger, and it was just NEVER like the friendship I had with one of my girlfriends.
I personally believe unless one of the parties is not a heterosexual, finding a TRULY platonic relationship is nearly impossible. I thought I had several in my 20s, and every one of them ended up weird and complicated, with either ME developing feelings for the guy, or vice versa.....which always changed the dynamic of the friendship, even IF we weren't intimate. You guys changed the rules of your relationship, so like Londres said, there is no going back at this point. It's just NOT possible
My recommendation is to TRULY put some hard work in on YOU....and that would include professional help, therapy, or the like. Get engaged in life in new ways, try some things you've always wanted to but never have, take a class, join a gym, or dance classes.....or an art class, those kinds of things. Not only would you be doing things for YOU, but you'd also be adding new things and people to your life. That's a great place to start working on learning how to exist in a relationship that is healthy.
Best to you hon.
". But I don't think this guy will be helpful to your 'staying on track'. "
I agree. I think if you trim ALL the fat away from this situation, really, the above statement says it all. Regardless of WHY the above is true, it really is. You moving forward to a more romantic relationship with this guy is causing more unneeded confusion and stress for you when you should be spending your time healing and working on YOU.
I agree also with trying to find new support systems. I've had "guy" friends when I was younger, and it was just NEVER like the friendship I had with one of my girlfriends.
I personally believe unless one of the parties is not a heterosexual, finding a TRULY platonic relationship is nearly impossible. I thought I had several in my 20s, and every one of them ended up weird and complicated, with either ME developing feelings for the guy, or vice versa.....which always changed the dynamic of the friendship, even IF we weren't intimate. You guys changed the rules of your relationship, so like Londres said, there is no going back at this point. It's just NOT possible
My recommendation is to TRULY put some hard work in on YOU....and that would include professional help, therapy, or the like. Get engaged in life in new ways, try some things you've always wanted to but never have, take a class, join a gym, or dance classes.....or an art class, those kinds of things. Not only would you be doing things for YOU, but you'd also be adding new things and people to your life. That's a great place to start working on learning how to exist in a relationship that is healthy.
Best to you hon.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I wonder if he isn't indirectly letting you know that he is not wanting the romance side of things. That maybe he felt too pressured by you. I am not judging or not understanding your feelings, I want you to know that. I realize that this is a whole cycle and when you've had an unhealthy way of looking at people and relationships (and I want to commend you FULLY for starting down the path of healthy thinking and expectations of those in your life)--- it takes time to really be strong and clear about what is healthy and not healthy. That is why most therapists would tell you to NOT get involved in this type of emotional relationship trying to turn it physical at this point in your healing. You're just not ready yet.
You want his friendship and I get he has been there for you but you describe someone who comes and goes. Do friends really do that? I mean, they may have times in which you are more in touch than others but not if someone is calling them or trying to reach them. So, I get that you felt he's like the only person you've had to go to with problems but I am just SO encouraging you to make some strong girlfriends, connect with any family or people like that that would not have ulterior motives or for you to begin to romance the friendship. You're just not ready for that in my opinion but that is JUST my opinion and I'm a stranger to you.
I honestly know about trying to put a person into your life as a bandaid. I see this guy as kind of that. I'm sorry as that isn't what you probably want me to think of him. But if you don't let your wounds heal for real, it will just continue to repeat. And you 've got a kid to care for!!
Anyway, I would love for you to see a therapist but know that isn't always possible. You need a network of safe people though. people who don't want to sleep with you. Do you have a YWCA or YMCA near you? These are great community places to connect. Some YWCA's even offer counseling. And either have a system in place to allow people to join even if they have very limited income. They will put you in to join for free. You'll meet other women perhaps to connect and be friends with. Any place like that. Maybe a church group for young, single moms. Look around and try to reach out. Living an isolated life is part of an abusive lifestyle. And I know it is hard for you to trust and you've lost people, etc. But keep trying. I wish I could help you more sweetie. I'll continue to think about this and if there are any other ideas I can offer you. But I don't think this guy will be helpful to your 'staying on track'. peace
You want his friendship and I get he has been there for you but you describe someone who comes and goes. Do friends really do that? I mean, they may have times in which you are more in touch than others but not if someone is calling them or trying to reach them. So, I get that you felt he's like the only person you've had to go to with problems but I am just SO encouraging you to make some strong girlfriends, connect with any family or people like that that would not have ulterior motives or for you to begin to romance the friendship. You're just not ready for that in my opinion but that is JUST my opinion and I'm a stranger to you.
I honestly know about trying to put a person into your life as a bandaid. I see this guy as kind of that. I'm sorry as that isn't what you probably want me to think of him. But if you don't let your wounds heal for real, it will just continue to repeat. And you 've got a kid to care for!!
Anyway, I would love for you to see a therapist but know that isn't always possible. You need a network of safe people though. people who don't want to sleep with you. Do you have a YWCA or YMCA near you? These are great community places to connect. Some YWCA's even offer counseling. And either have a system in place to allow people to join even if they have very limited income. They will put you in to join for free. You'll meet other women perhaps to connect and be friends with. Any place like that. Maybe a church group for young, single moms. Look around and try to reach out. Living an isolated life is part of an abusive lifestyle. And I know it is hard for you to trust and you've lost people, etc. But keep trying. I wish I could help you more sweetie. I'll continue to think about this and if there are any other ideas I can offer you. But I don't think this guy will be helpful to your 'staying on track'. peace
Sounds like he is confused and is staying away deliberately. If this goes on for a week that isn't a good sign. Just continue to give him space...........no phone calls and no texts.
I can tell you after you slept with him there is NO returning back to your old friendship. Everything changed in that moment you had sex.
With his truck being "broken down" and his finances not great, why couldn't you visit him?
I am not sure what is going through his mind. Perhaps he isn't interested on waiting on when you want to go further OR perhaps he just thinks this all was a big mistake.
I can tell you after you slept with him there is NO returning back to your old friendship. Everything changed in that moment you had sex.
With his truck being "broken down" and his finances not great, why couldn't you visit him?
I am not sure what is going through his mind. Perhaps he isn't interested on waiting on when you want to go further OR perhaps he just thinks this all was a big mistake.
We have always been close, we have a strong friendship and I believe that it was is making the situation more difficult. I know I need to step back and evaluate the situation more and keep myself on track, but again I don't want to loose his friendship at the minimum, if things work out they work out but that will only take time, I have not herd from him yet and for how we were in the past that is typical. He has always been my go to friend any time something bad or good happens in my life and vs.
I agree. It's only been two months since you broke up with a long term relationship with a child in the mix.
It seems like you made it very clear that you weren't interested in a relationship, that you wanted to get your life on track, and he responded well to that. Sounds like he felt the same.
But nearly immediately you switched gears and want a close, constant relationship with him. He must be confused.
It seems like you made it very clear that you weren't interested in a relationship, that you wanted to get your life on track, and he responded well to that. Sounds like he felt the same.
But nearly immediately you switched gears and want a close, constant relationship with him. He must be confused.
I know exactly where you are coming from and I worded some of that completely wrong. I was aware he was not coming, and his vehicle needed repairs back 4 months ago so it was more it wasn't worth him breaking down coming to visit. It was a few days after that I stopped hearing from him, and its not like I just the met the guy and thats why I am puzzled. I don't expect that to change your response at all, just to clear up anyone else possible response. You may have been a victim of domestic violence yourself maybe not, but one of the hardest things I've had to learn to over and deal with on a day to day basis is people will tell you that they care, that they are there for you but when you push comes to shove it's all empty meaningless words, like a band-aid and then it falls off and they are no long apart of your life because they didn't agree with how you handled the situation. Everyone is quick to give their opinions and forget the people who go through this type of thing are human some life lessons are just harder then others, I have lost a lot of relationships because of my ex and part of me is afraid of loosing this friendship as well because it was rushed, I know that. thank you again for your repsonse
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, I am really glad that you moved on from the abusive relationship. The thing about this is that unless you've done a bit of therapy, it often is a bit of an ingrained pattern women have. They aren't 'used' to healthy relationships so they continue to create unhealthy relationships with men over and over again. As in, you're doing it again.
If someone was supposed to come and just didn't show and didn't call, there would be absolutely NO excuse for me for why they didn't call and tell me. Not embarrassment, not stress, not anything. Because they are a total coward and weak if they can't just pick up the phone.
You are pining away for a man not long after a break up that as you say 'took way too long from an abusive relationship and now this man just doesn't show up for a planned weekend without calling?
Honey, PLEASE stop dating for a while. Do not date this man that didn't show. I know your instinct is to believe anything he says.
And by the way, what is so attractive about a guy with a junker car and no money who lives long distance? Ugh, not my dream guy. Hold men you want to date to high standards or you get bottom of the barrel guys that aren't going to offer you much. Just being honest. Lots of people go through hard times but ya know, I just don't think we should settle when it comes to dating.
Anyway, if you had written about all of his issues and wondering if he was coming, I'd have told you to let him off the hook by calling and saying "ya know, it is fine if this visit can't work out because of all you have going on. When it is going better, we'll plan another visit." But, you wrote after he just didn't show. He's not dating material. Not even really friend material.
PS: typical abused women's pattern? Not holding men accountable and trying to rationalize what THEY could do differently to have changed the situation. NOT HEALTHY THINKING.
sorry. good luck
If someone was supposed to come and just didn't show and didn't call, there would be absolutely NO excuse for me for why they didn't call and tell me. Not embarrassment, not stress, not anything. Because they are a total coward and weak if they can't just pick up the phone.
You are pining away for a man not long after a break up that as you say 'took way too long from an abusive relationship and now this man just doesn't show up for a planned weekend without calling?
Honey, PLEASE stop dating for a while. Do not date this man that didn't show. I know your instinct is to believe anything he says.
And by the way, what is so attractive about a guy with a junker car and no money who lives long distance? Ugh, not my dream guy. Hold men you want to date to high standards or you get bottom of the barrel guys that aren't going to offer you much. Just being honest. Lots of people go through hard times but ya know, I just don't think we should settle when it comes to dating.
Anyway, if you had written about all of his issues and wondering if he was coming, I'd have told you to let him off the hook by calling and saying "ya know, it is fine if this visit can't work out because of all you have going on. When it is going better, we'll plan another visit." But, you wrote after he just didn't show. He's not dating material. Not even really friend material.
PS: typical abused women's pattern? Not holding men accountable and trying to rationalize what THEY could do differently to have changed the situation. NOT HEALTHY THINKING.
sorry. good luck
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