Aa
Do you think what he did was wrong?
Ok, tonight I found out something that has made me furious. I went to bed and my husband said he had some paperwork to do and he'd be in later. I dozed off and then noticed he was still out in the living room two hours later. I went to check on him and he immediately clicked off the computer. I asked if he was coming to bed and he said he'd be in shortly. I went back to bed but thought he was acting odd so I went back out. He was looking at this site and clicked off it right away! I asked what he was looking at and he said just stuff. I kept pressing him and finally he said he was looking at this site. I asked why and he said he was just checking the history on the computer. Then he said he was glad because he recognized who I was by my post about my marriage. He was actually thinking about posting back to me pretending to be someone else! I said what would you have said? He said something to the affect to give my husband a break. Can you believe this?! We got into a big argument. I told him he invaded my privacy. He said it's not private because anyone can go on here and read anything. I told him that's not the point. He knew this was a site I visited and went on here looking at what I was looking at (by checking the history) and figured out who I was by the things I was saying! I told him it was wrong. He said he always checks the history and he sees nothing wrong with that. I told him it was one thing to be checking where the kids have been, but he shouldn't be snooping to see what sites I've visited. He says it's not snooping and that he has every right. It's not like I've given him any reason to be suspicious of anything. I've always been upfront and honest to him. And actually the post he saw shouldn't have been too surprising because it's all stuff I've said to him anyway. He said he wished I hadn't come out when I did because he could have used that time for reflection and thanks because I ruined it! Can you believe that?!
I asked if he also reads my emails and he said no, and that he doesn't even know my password. I asked if he has read my journal or listened in on my phone conversations, and he acted upset and said no. He said I've blown this way out of proportion and that he's done nothing wrong. He insists he had a right to read my posts and that the public could see it anyway. So on and on we went, me insisting that he invaded my privacy and he saying he did nothing wrong. I feel that even if he was checking the history and went to this site, he didn't have to read my posts.
I guess I'm going to have to be a lot more careful now that I know he's going to see everything I do.
And just to warn all you guys, your spouse could be doing the same thing. So don't think what you're doing is private.
I told him I will definately be bringing this up with the counselor and he said fine. What do you guys think? Am I right or is he? Did he invade my privacy? I'd be interested in everyone's opinion. And I think this will be one post I will show him!
I asked if he also reads my emails and he said no, and that he doesn't even know my password. I asked if he has read my journal or listened in on my phone conversations, and he acted upset and said no. He said I've blown this way out of proportion and that he's done nothing wrong. He insists he had a right to read my posts and that the public could see it anyway. So on and on we went, me insisting that he invaded my privacy and he saying he did nothing wrong. I feel that even if he was checking the history and went to this site, he didn't have to read my posts.
I guess I'm going to have to be a lot more careful now that I know he's going to see everything I do.
And just to warn all you guys, your spouse could be doing the same thing. So don't think what you're doing is private.
I told him I will definately be bringing this up with the counselor and he said fine. What do you guys think? Am I right or is he? Did he invade my privacy? I'd be interested in everyone's opinion. And I think this will be one post I will show him!
I remember I woke up early morning and my husband clicked on it and I asked him why did he click on it so quick he said I dont know I was done reading. Maybe he is reading what I been posting. You didnt blow this out of portion. My opinion he was sneaking behind your back he didnt want you to know what he was doing. This is your privacy. Your not blowing this out of portion you have every right of being upset. If it was reversed and you did that I think he would be upset to.
I agre with you April I would be very upset to you did nothing wrong....
I agre with you April I would be very upset to you did nothing wrong....
Hi April,
I understand why you feel that your privacy was invaded, but I'm not completely sure I agree that it was invaded to the same extent as reading your journal or listening to your phone conversations. I guess it really depends on what your expectation of privacy was in this situation.
Your husband makes a good point about this being a public forum that anyone in the world can see. But that's where it ends. It's not a great point, as it really doesn't hold up under scrutiny. Yes, it's true that anyone in the world can read what you've written here (as long as they have an internet connection and can read English, of course). I know this is true because I've read what you've written here. Now here's the difference (and it's a big difference).... When I read your posts, I still don't know who you are. So even though it's public, you still maintain some level of privacy. Not so when your husband reads your posts, as he has proven tonight.
Here's a question: did your husband have some reason to believe that you didn't want him to come to this site and read your posts? I'm guessing the answer is YES, whether you actually came out and said something like that to him or not. The fact that he felt the need to wait until you were asleep to do his low level detective work rather than just asking you to share your posts with him is the first clue. The second clue is that he quickly closed the window when you came out, which = he felt guilty and didn't want to be caught.... ummm.... snooping. Of course he had to quickly think of something to say in his own defense ~ thus the somewhat laughable and completely predictable "I did nothing wrong because it's my right to invade your privacy" comment, which really only makes things worse, bless his heart. And there it goes, and so on, and so on...
Obviously I don't know your whole situation, or any of the things that have led up to this event, so I could be way off and you could just tell me to go to hell. But it seems to me that your husband might have had good intentions (i.e., wanting to understand where you're coming from), but it got screwed up because of the way he went about it (i.e., not just asking you where you're coming from). And because of the way he went about it (i.e., snooping around and following your internet tracks behind your back) it made you angry. Maybe even angry enough to, shall we say, blow it a teeny bit out of proportion?
Only you can decide if his actions constitute such a huge invasion of your privacy that it's worth fighting for. If it is, then by all means, stand up for your rights. But if it's not, then try to give yourselves a well deserved break.
Good luck!
I understand why you feel that your privacy was invaded, but I'm not completely sure I agree that it was invaded to the same extent as reading your journal or listening to your phone conversations. I guess it really depends on what your expectation of privacy was in this situation.
Your husband makes a good point about this being a public forum that anyone in the world can see. But that's where it ends. It's not a great point, as it really doesn't hold up under scrutiny. Yes, it's true that anyone in the world can read what you've written here (as long as they have an internet connection and can read English, of course). I know this is true because I've read what you've written here. Now here's the difference (and it's a big difference).... When I read your posts, I still don't know who you are. So even though it's public, you still maintain some level of privacy. Not so when your husband reads your posts, as he has proven tonight.
Here's a question: did your husband have some reason to believe that you didn't want him to come to this site and read your posts? I'm guessing the answer is YES, whether you actually came out and said something like that to him or not. The fact that he felt the need to wait until you were asleep to do his low level detective work rather than just asking you to share your posts with him is the first clue. The second clue is that he quickly closed the window when you came out, which = he felt guilty and didn't want to be caught.... ummm.... snooping. Of course he had to quickly think of something to say in his own defense ~ thus the somewhat laughable and completely predictable "I did nothing wrong because it's my right to invade your privacy" comment, which really only makes things worse, bless his heart. And there it goes, and so on, and so on...
Obviously I don't know your whole situation, or any of the things that have led up to this event, so I could be way off and you could just tell me to go to hell. But it seems to me that your husband might have had good intentions (i.e., wanting to understand where you're coming from), but it got screwed up because of the way he went about it (i.e., not just asking you where you're coming from). And because of the way he went about it (i.e., snooping around and following your internet tracks behind your back) it made you angry. Maybe even angry enough to, shall we say, blow it a teeny bit out of proportion?
Only you can decide if his actions constitute such a huge invasion of your privacy that it's worth fighting for. If it is, then by all means, stand up for your rights. But if it's not, then try to give yourselves a well deserved break.
Good luck!
I don`t know if there is any right or wrong about this but it sure reminds me of a marriage without or with poor communication. One prefers to pour out her heart on an open forum because there is no feedback at hme, the other tries to figure out his partner by checking her correspondence with other people. And he probably felt sneaky about doing that or would not have turned off the site. You could both use this incidence to your advantage right now and acknowledge that you obviously feel the need to talk about some issues. So talk together without anger. My son`s dad and I had been in a marriage of total silence, there was zero communication. So in my postpartum despair I once poured out my heart to the computer. Just by accident he came across this the next night and luckily openly said: "So you are having all these heavy thoughts? Let`s talk then." It opened up a new path for a while, mind you, people never change and we split up eventually anyway. Hope that is not the case with you guys - but really, if your hsuband shows interest in what you are thinking, regardless of the privacy issue, it is still a little better than him not caring at all. For sure though I would set the rules in place that nobody is to snoop around in future. Or just delete the history, it is good computer hygiene anyway.
April, me again... I only now read your other post. Your husband sounds like he could be my ex`s brother. He would connect himself with the outside world with email, bluetooth, competitive computer games, job-related activities, even in the most serious moments like our son`s surgery. And he would only come out of his shell for mating season.... Marriages and relationships can be mutual fulfillment but to some they can also be hard work. I understood that he just wanted to tune himself out at home to regain his energy which is the same as living alone. When we finally moved out I joked that he might as well have a tape running that plays all the sounds of family life in the house in the background, have a maid to clean up after him and the occasional hot lover. He fully agreed with a smile and that was that. Overall his energy level was lower than mine but raising our son on my own or the most part and having a job with tons of overtime, I can now relate to the feeling of just wanting to tune oneself out at home. I would not be able to handle a partner anymore at all. I believe one has to make a decision in a marriage. If it is not the ideal type that you mutually inspire and love each other and communicate yourselves through any ups and downs, it is likely the parallel type where you live side by side like siblings. To some that is fulfilling as well. As long as you are both invisioning the same type marriage in the long run you can work out the details. But if the expectations of a marriage differ greatly, I would move on because you can not change your partner`s basic patterns.
Learn to clear your history every time you get off the computer. While I agree that its a public forum, sometimes we say things that might be upsetting for a spouse to read. And rightly or wrongly, we expect that what happens on MH, stays on MH.
Change passwords from time to time, and clear your history. We are expected to do that in the workplace, its not a stretch to do it routinely at home, too.
Change passwords from time to time, and clear your history. We are expected to do that in the workplace, its not a stretch to do it routinely at home, too.
I'm puzzled that you wouldn't WANT him to read it, April, and in fact encourage him to read it. What is the value of posting things like that in private, so strangers who really don't know the situation can read it and offer feedback?
Isn't it 100% better just to cut out the middleman, tell him hey this is how I feel? I think you should be grateful, and kind of flattered that he is interested enough to go find your post and read it.
Just my opinion.
Isn't it 100% better just to cut out the middleman, tell him hey this is how I feel? I think you should be grateful, and kind of flattered that he is interested enough to go find your post and read it.
Just my opinion.
I hope Mr. Peekawho never reads what I write about him. *clears history again, just in case*
I've already told him how I feel! Over and over, almost word for word what I wrote here and I get nothing back, NOTHING! That's why I finally wrote here, because I had no one to talk to. I don't want to get my family involved and my friends have enough problems of thier own. I'm not yelling at you. It's not you I'm frustrated with, it's him. I told him point blank what I need from him and that he was in danger of losing me and nothing changes. I guess he doesn't take me seriously.
I'm not flattered that he went on here and figured out who I was by my post. He was checking the history on our computer and was looking at everything I've done, every site I've visited. Don't get me wrong, there was nothing to hide. It's all innocent stuff, but I do find it offensive that I seem to have no privacy. I already share everything with him. He really shouldn't have been surprised at what he read. I share more than he does. What really got me was when he said he was going to get on my post and pretend to be someone else and tell me to give my husband a break. See, he's learned nothing. It's bad enough that he was going to do something deceitful like that but that he just wanted to stick up for himself. He's totally not getting it. He doesn't want to see (or maybe it's that he doesn't really care) how I feel, how lonely I am, how I need more from him than he's willing or able to give. Now do you understand? He sees nothing wrong! All he cared about was getting on here to defend himself. I feel like a child and he's my father. He's going to check everything I do? It's not his business! I've given him no reason to doubt me, NONE. He knows I don't cheat and that I wouldn't. He knows that I am always upfront and honest with him. This is nothing new to him! Everytime I try to talk to him, he doesn't take me seriously. He thinks I'm just complaining and I should be grateful to have such a great guy. He never even tries to see my side in any of this. He's too busy trying to defend himself. If he would even once sympathize or try to understand and tell me that he's willing to work on some of these things, then things would be different. I wouldn't keep bringing things up. I wish he'd get it. I'm trying to get a reaction out of him, anything, to show he cares. I think he does care, but I think he cares about himself more. That's just my thought.
Obviously, we need to get back into counseling. It's just frustrating. I'm the one that makes these appointments. I don't want to give up. But if he keeps sitting there in counseling like a bump on a log and does nothing that the counselor says, then I don't know how long this can go on.
I'm not flattered that he went on here and figured out who I was by my post. He was checking the history on our computer and was looking at everything I've done, every site I've visited. Don't get me wrong, there was nothing to hide. It's all innocent stuff, but I do find it offensive that I seem to have no privacy. I already share everything with him. He really shouldn't have been surprised at what he read. I share more than he does. What really got me was when he said he was going to get on my post and pretend to be someone else and tell me to give my husband a break. See, he's learned nothing. It's bad enough that he was going to do something deceitful like that but that he just wanted to stick up for himself. He's totally not getting it. He doesn't want to see (or maybe it's that he doesn't really care) how I feel, how lonely I am, how I need more from him than he's willing or able to give. Now do you understand? He sees nothing wrong! All he cared about was getting on here to defend himself. I feel like a child and he's my father. He's going to check everything I do? It's not his business! I've given him no reason to doubt me, NONE. He knows I don't cheat and that I wouldn't. He knows that I am always upfront and honest with him. This is nothing new to him! Everytime I try to talk to him, he doesn't take me seriously. He thinks I'm just complaining and I should be grateful to have such a great guy. He never even tries to see my side in any of this. He's too busy trying to defend himself. If he would even once sympathize or try to understand and tell me that he's willing to work on some of these things, then things would be different. I wouldn't keep bringing things up. I wish he'd get it. I'm trying to get a reaction out of him, anything, to show he cares. I think he does care, but I think he cares about himself more. That's just my thought.
Obviously, we need to get back into counseling. It's just frustrating. I'm the one that makes these appointments. I don't want to give up. But if he keeps sitting there in counseling like a bump on a log and does nothing that the counselor says, then I don't know how long this can go on.
April, you just sound like you hammer hammer hammer at him.
No, he doesn't send cards and flowers. Really, few guys do. That's kind of a girl thing to do, and some icky sociopathic guys do that really well, too, they schmooze.
It is really telling, that your husband wanted to post back to lay off your husband.
Why don't you try that? Guys usually shoot straight from the hip and tell you EXACTLY what they want. Lay off him, for a week, don't nag him at all and see what happens.
I know this will probably sound like an irritating thing to say, and the suggestion will be rejected because you have such a HABIT of demanding things from him and not getting them. Stop demanding. I bet you'll get them. ;D
No, he doesn't send cards and flowers. Really, few guys do. That's kind of a girl thing to do, and some icky sociopathic guys do that really well, too, they schmooze.
It is really telling, that your husband wanted to post back to lay off your husband.
Why don't you try that? Guys usually shoot straight from the hip and tell you EXACTLY what they want. Lay off him, for a week, don't nag him at all and see what happens.
I know this will probably sound like an irritating thing to say, and the suggestion will be rejected because you have such a HABIT of demanding things from him and not getting them. Stop demanding. I bet you'll get them. ;D
You know, I came here looking for support. Thanks. I don't think I was demanding. I sat down a talked to him in a calm way several times. I've told him that I miss certain things. I've asked if we could go out more, just the two of us, and if we could save to go on vacation. Our councelor told us it was good for us to have a goal. Here's the thing. He hasn't even done the things the councelor told him. He procastinates everything.
I also didn't ask that he always send flowers and cards. But yes, I was hurt that he didn't while I was in the hospital.
You know, you don't even know me. You're assuming I just demand everything. I know that doesn't work. I used to nag him about his smoking and he just got more stubborn, so I've given up. Do I worry about his health? Sure, but he's a grown man. I can't force him to do anything. The thing that gets tiresome is if I want anything done, I usually have to do it myself. I might try asking him, reminding him and then finally I have to do it. That happens over and over. I'm also the disciplinarian with the kids. He just wants to be the fun dad. He leaves the rest up to me. Sometimes I just wish he'd be a little stronger in that area. I have a three year old that I have no problems all week and as soon as he's with him on the weekends or weeknights, he whines more and throws fits and my husband let's him! He does not do that with me because I don't let him. I've asked him to please be more firm with him and work with me. I don't always want to be the bad guy.
I am not so prideful that I can't see my own faults. I will certainly ponder what you said and watch how I come across. As for laying off him for a week, I've done that too. I've let him do whatever he wants basically for years. I never told him how many times his thoughtlessness hurt me. It's only been the last few years that I've been letting more out. I've bottled so much up over the years that yes I started to let him know how I felt. I'm not sure that was such a good thing either. Because of all the damage he's done in this marraige (and you don't even know everything), I felt like what love was there was slowly dying. I'm not saying that it can't be fixed, but I know it takes time and the effort of both of us. I'm just tired, really, really tired.
I also didn't ask that he always send flowers and cards. But yes, I was hurt that he didn't while I was in the hospital.
You know, you don't even know me. You're assuming I just demand everything. I know that doesn't work. I used to nag him about his smoking and he just got more stubborn, so I've given up. Do I worry about his health? Sure, but he's a grown man. I can't force him to do anything. The thing that gets tiresome is if I want anything done, I usually have to do it myself. I might try asking him, reminding him and then finally I have to do it. That happens over and over. I'm also the disciplinarian with the kids. He just wants to be the fun dad. He leaves the rest up to me. Sometimes I just wish he'd be a little stronger in that area. I have a three year old that I have no problems all week and as soon as he's with him on the weekends or weeknights, he whines more and throws fits and my husband let's him! He does not do that with me because I don't let him. I've asked him to please be more firm with him and work with me. I don't always want to be the bad guy.
I am not so prideful that I can't see my own faults. I will certainly ponder what you said and watch how I come across. As for laying off him for a week, I've done that too. I've let him do whatever he wants basically for years. I never told him how many times his thoughtlessness hurt me. It's only been the last few years that I've been letting more out. I've bottled so much up over the years that yes I started to let him know how I felt. I'm not sure that was such a good thing either. Because of all the damage he's done in this marraige (and you don't even know everything), I felt like what love was there was slowly dying. I'm not saying that it can't be fixed, but I know it takes time and the effort of both of us. I'm just tired, really, really tired.
I knew you wouldn't even consider taking that suggestion - to lay off for a week.
I knew it, I don't know why I even posted it, I'm telling you that's the answer to your problem, but I knew you don't want to do it.
Best wishes with your divorce.
I knew it, I don't know why I even posted it, I'm telling you that's the answer to your problem, but I knew you don't want to do it.
Best wishes with your divorce.
RR, I think you were harsh.
April, I get where you're coming from. My ex husband was a snooper, too. Though I wasn't doing anything wrong, I resented like HELL never knowing if he was reading my private journal, going through my things, etc. For what, I'll never know. He's my ex for a reason.
I understand exactly how you are feeling. It FEELS like an invasion of privacy, it feels paternalistic, and it feels somewhat controlling.
Best of luck.
April, I get where you're coming from. My ex husband was a snooper, too. Though I wasn't doing anything wrong, I resented like HELL never knowing if he was reading my private journal, going through my things, etc. For what, I'll never know. He's my ex for a reason.
I understand exactly how you are feeling. It FEELS like an invasion of privacy, it feels paternalistic, and it feels somewhat controlling.
Best of luck.
RockRose, I am absoloutely stunned at your calousness and insensitivity. I never said I wouldn't take your suggestion. If you read back on my post I said that I actually would step back and evaluate how I may be coming across. I said I'm not too prideful to consider my own faults. Did you not read that?
Yes, I was upset last night but we're much calmer today. I'm not saying I can't or won't forgive him. I always do.
You know, I'm still recovering from major surgery. The combination of last night and your post has made me realize that I need to step back from this site and concentrate on getting better and working on things in my own home. I'm really not up to personal attacks right now. I'm very tired and not feeling well. I sure hope you treat others here better than you did me. I just don't need this right now.
I'm not planning on a divorce. I said we are going back to counseling to try and better our marraige. Thank you for helping me come to a decision. I'm going to leave this site for awhile. Good nite and God bless you.
Yes, I was upset last night but we're much calmer today. I'm not saying I can't or won't forgive him. I always do.
You know, I'm still recovering from major surgery. The combination of last night and your post has made me realize that I need to step back from this site and concentrate on getting better and working on things in my own home. I'm really not up to personal attacks right now. I'm very tired and not feeling well. I sure hope you treat others here better than you did me. I just don't need this right now.
I'm not planning on a divorce. I said we are going back to counseling to try and better our marraige. Thank you for helping me come to a decision. I'm going to leave this site for awhile. Good nite and God bless you.
You are right. We have poor communication. We did talk again a little last night but there's still some bad feelings. I think it would be a good idea for us to get back into counseling. Thanks for your input.
RockRose, I don't know if you were having a bad day or what, but the way you came across was very condemning and harsh. I was very taken aback by it. I felt like I'd been slapped in the face last night. I'm not used to being talked to like that.
You actually had some good points and has given me things to think about. I just wish you could have delivered your message a little nicer.
You really don't know me and I'm sure don't care. I'm coming out of a very stressful, dark time this last year. It's been the worst year of my life. I had a teenage daughter who was depressed, running away, cutting and suicidal, and then I found out I needed major surgery. I know we all handle stress differently, but I did feel like I had to always be the strong one. I got my daughter into counseling. There were many nights I cried and prayed for my daughter while my husband slept. Again, I'm sure he was hurting too and didn't show it like I did, but I did feel very alone and scared. Like I told Trialanderror, I guess we really do have problems with communication. He just doesn't talk to me! I will pour out my heart to him and he just sits there and looks at me. It does make it look like he doesn't care. I'm not saying he doesn't but it makes it look that way.
I think if you really wanted to help, you could have suggested we get back into counseling and learn to communicate better and for me to try and listen and understand my husband more or something along that line, not get all sarcastic and tell me good luck with my divorce. I'm sorry, maybe I'm just way too sensitive right now. I have had increased anxiety with all that's been going on with my daughter, to the point that I've had heart palpitations and ulcers now. I've never had any health problems before. The stress has been so unbearable and unrelenting that I've felt like I was teetering on the edge myself for awhile. So maybe you think I'm using that all as an excuse, but I think I am ultrasensitive right now and just need the support of my husband and others at this point in my life.
I think we all come to this site looking for support, help and encouragement. I don't think that's wrong. I'm not giving up on my marraige. I'm just exhausted right now and don't know what the next step is except maybe get back into counseling. I don't know if any of this means anything to you or not or whether you care or not. I just wanted to let you know how I feel.
You actually had some good points and has given me things to think about. I just wish you could have delivered your message a little nicer.
You really don't know me and I'm sure don't care. I'm coming out of a very stressful, dark time this last year. It's been the worst year of my life. I had a teenage daughter who was depressed, running away, cutting and suicidal, and then I found out I needed major surgery. I know we all handle stress differently, but I did feel like I had to always be the strong one. I got my daughter into counseling. There were many nights I cried and prayed for my daughter while my husband slept. Again, I'm sure he was hurting too and didn't show it like I did, but I did feel very alone and scared. Like I told Trialanderror, I guess we really do have problems with communication. He just doesn't talk to me! I will pour out my heart to him and he just sits there and looks at me. It does make it look like he doesn't care. I'm not saying he doesn't but it makes it look that way.
I think if you really wanted to help, you could have suggested we get back into counseling and learn to communicate better and for me to try and listen and understand my husband more or something along that line, not get all sarcastic and tell me good luck with my divorce. I'm sorry, maybe I'm just way too sensitive right now. I have had increased anxiety with all that's been going on with my daughter, to the point that I've had heart palpitations and ulcers now. I've never had any health problems before. The stress has been so unbearable and unrelenting that I've felt like I was teetering on the edge myself for awhile. So maybe you think I'm using that all as an excuse, but I think I am ultrasensitive right now and just need the support of my husband and others at this point in my life.
I think we all come to this site looking for support, help and encouragement. I don't think that's wrong. I'm not giving up on my marraige. I'm just exhausted right now and don't know what the next step is except maybe get back into counseling. I don't know if any of this means anything to you or not or whether you care or not. I just wanted to let you know how I feel.
I don't think you're using your terrible year as an excuse at all, I believe it's totally the cause of your problems. It's the cause of your anxiety, and the cause of the problems in your marriage. I believe that fully, and understand anxiety more than you probably expect. There is nothing worse than anxiety - not depression, or physical pain. Anxiety is the worst it gets.
So I do understand.
But I also understand that anxiety causes a LOT of divorce. Couples with critically ill, or missing children, or children who die, are very likely to divorce. Because of exactly the pattern of your marriage. You feel such great anxiety and sorrow and you want to talk about it and have him respond in a loving and communicative way, and he wants to fix your problems. But they aren't fixable. Eventually, he just starts staring at you while you talk because he doesn't want to be rude nad walk away but he also doesn't want to talk about it all the time. He's a guy.
It sounds like you need a support group of women, and that's what you've found here, and I'm sorry I stepped on that for you. Please continue, and I won't keep posting to you.
I do hope you don't end in divorce. In your situation, you need him so much.
One final thought, I think you should ask him to write you a "post", in response to yours. But don't have him post it, it's really private stuff for you. Just tell you how he feels about this whole thing, from his perspective, elaborate on what he means by "lay off". And then do that stuff. And reach out to your girlfriends for the verbal support. I just don't think guys can do that for very long without feeling inadequate.
Best wishes.
So I do understand.
But I also understand that anxiety causes a LOT of divorce. Couples with critically ill, or missing children, or children who die, are very likely to divorce. Because of exactly the pattern of your marriage. You feel such great anxiety and sorrow and you want to talk about it and have him respond in a loving and communicative way, and he wants to fix your problems. But they aren't fixable. Eventually, he just starts staring at you while you talk because he doesn't want to be rude nad walk away but he also doesn't want to talk about it all the time. He's a guy.
It sounds like you need a support group of women, and that's what you've found here, and I'm sorry I stepped on that for you. Please continue, and I won't keep posting to you.
I do hope you don't end in divorce. In your situation, you need him so much.
One final thought, I think you should ask him to write you a "post", in response to yours. But don't have him post it, it's really private stuff for you. Just tell you how he feels about this whole thing, from his perspective, elaborate on what he means by "lay off". And then do that stuff. And reach out to your girlfriends for the verbal support. I just don't think guys can do that for very long without feeling inadequate.
Best wishes.
Thank you, RockRose. I was thinking almost the same thing. I never did ask what exactly he thought about what he read. I think now that we've calmed down that maybe we can sit down tonight and I will ask him what he really thought. When we were dating, we used to talk all the time. I kinda miss that. I want him to feel like he can talk to me.
Even though I don't know you, I didn't want there to be any bad feelings or fighting. That always makes me feel anxious too. I've always been a people pleaser and try to keep the peace, so I hate it if there's fighting or anger no matter who it is.
I don't mind hearing from you as long as we can keep things nice! ;D Shall we call a truce?
Even though I don't know you, I didn't want there to be any bad feelings or fighting. That always makes me feel anxious too. I've always been a people pleaser and try to keep the peace, so I hate it if there's fighting or anger no matter who it is.
I don't mind hearing from you as long as we can keep things nice! ;D Shall we call a truce?
with your husband telling you to lay off, it reminded me that my husband hates for me to tell him to get a hair cut. One time, I told him he needed a hair cut and he said, "Well, i was going to go get one today, but since you told me to, I'm going to wait a few weeks." he was being funny, but kind of serious too. He doesn't like me to nag him even about normal wife naggy stuff. Its hard for me because my mom was always telling my dad stuff like that and he'd do it because he valued her opinion. He didn't let her push him around by any means, but he would always get cleaned up for her. Anyway, my husband often is quiet when i tell him my feelings too. In counseling now, the counselor has told us that he has tucked his feelings into a box and buried it way beneath the surface, which is why he doesn't exprss himself. Maybe its the same with your husband. Maybe he doesn't feel safe telling you his feelings because he's afraid you'll judge him for them and/or "nag" him to take action. Marriage is complicated! I always thought it would be so simple. With the counselor helping me to see this about my husband, I am thrilled that he actually has feelings somewhere inside of him and I've got to figure out how to be gentle enough so he'll open up to me. And, you know, I don't think your husband was doing something bad. I think he was curious what you were saying about him and probably felt like he was getting a true picture of how you felt and what you thought of him. Sometimes its less scary that way. Yes, I'm sure there's a better way (safely & gently communicating together), but for now, he probably felt the need to read your posts about him. If he had posted about you on a site, would you honestly not look at them? Good luck to you. you're probably not happy with me now, but I don't mean to be critical at all, just giving you my angle. I hope everything gets better for you and your family real soon. Bless your poor daughter. My daughter has dpression issues too. I understand.
Thank you for your thoughts. I'm not upset at all. And my daughter is doing much better, thank you. We've gone through a lot this last year but part of it was the peer pressure, I think. She is doing much better although I think she still struggles with depression, it doesn't seem to be dibilitating. The counseling has really helped. Thanks again.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
