I think my boyfriend is still in love with his ex

[AuntCC]

I have been dating this guy for 4 months now.  He has a 3 year old daughter with his ex, who he with with for 4 years.  She is the one that left him, but I think she is still keeping him around for more than the fact that they have a child together, and I also think that he may still be in love with her.  I have some issues and am not sure how to proceed.  I personally do not have any children.  It's not that I don't want a child, I just feel that I have not met the right man yet.  My boyfriend and his ex still have a joint bank account together and the cell phones are still on the his account.  She has been seeing the same guy for 5 months now, but she is having second thoughts and has discussed this with my boyfriend (the child's father).  He recently had a birthday and I knew that it upset him that she didn't call and tell him happy birthday.  He made several comments throughout the day about it.  His ex has even invited us out of town with her boyfriend and the child.  When he asked me if I wanted to go I told him "no".  First off we did not have money to go out of town, second I really have no desire to hang out with his ex, but I also think that type of situation would confuse the child tremendously.  He says they are "just friends", but I think there is more than that, on both of their parts.  I guess she likes me and the way I take care of her daughter, which I admit is great for me, but I don't really care for her.  She is only 22 so I know maturity has a role in this, I am 32, but I see the way she upsets my boyfriend, the way she treats him, and I'm the one that has to listen to him vent, then he turns around the next week and everything is fine.  She has even brought her boyfriend to my boyfriends house and hung out drinking beer while I was not there.  He says he missed his daughter and wanted to spend time with her, so why does his ex and her boyfriend need to be there as well?  This is an emotional rollercoster for me and I'm not sure how to handle it.  I have had several discussions with my boyfriend regarding "boundry" issue on both their parts.  He says he loves me and in no way wants to have a romantic relationship with her anymore, but his actions are telling me something different.  I feel like he still wants her around, but at the same time wants me around to take care of him and his daighter.  How can he and I move forward in our relationship if he still keeps his ex around in this manner?  Am I just being over dramatic with this?  Does anyone have some adivse for me????  

[mami1323]

I also am weary when 2 ex's are so close.  It basically leaves the door wide open for them to get back together.  When they share so much history and have a child together, the odds of them working it out in the future are high.  Especially if they still like each other.  That's just my opinion.

[Judy246]

I completely understand and in the situation of your sister who was 18 and 28, as I a parent I would hav had a hugh issues with the relationship, especially and question his maturity. If there is communication with the ex beyond the childs needs, that is an automatic problem in the new relationship and I think the ex knows it too and is just stepping back and watching. She was there first and knows his good and bad behaviors.

I personally, would leave and not look back, but that's only my opinion:)  Judy

[joshua883]

My sister went through a similar experience except she was 18 the boyfriend was 28 and the child was 10 and the mother of the child 34. You need to get out of this situation, the same thing happened to my sister and she was with this guy for 4years and he ended up starting of like what you have explained and than started turning to his ex when he was argueing with her and slept with her on numerous occasions. I hope you can get away soon

[Judy246]

You see, you know the answer already...Keep your guard up and see how this is going to play out, but remember, you are not second fiddle to anyone, especially an ex and make sure they both are aware that yes you are a force to be reckoned with. :) Hang in there...Judy

[AuntCC]

Thank you for the support.  I guess I just needed to bounce this off someone who is not personal.  My friends have different opinions as do my family, because they care about me.  Having the opinion of an outside party only strengthed my feelings towards the situation.  I am giong to keep my guard up and see how things play out over the next week.

Thanks again to everyone who gave an opinion.  I will let you all know how it goes.

[Judy246]

Your concern is justifiable and if your gut feeling tell you to proceed with caution, do so.
Nobody like to hear that someome is using profane language about a loved one and of course it will put you defensive. I know you want to pick up the phone and tell her where she can go and do, but let him deal with her.  I think you are wise and have good perception about the situation and do want to proceed with caution.  I would definately hit the roof over a joint bank account and that speaks volumns (Red flag).  You know what to do and I would have suggested the same, "If he does not get his own account (immediately I add), then I think it will be time for me to let him know either he cuts ties with his ex". You have the answers, just need a little back up and support and we are with you all the way on this one. Unexceptable closeness with ex.

I think you know the answer and we are here to support you and let us know how it is all coming along...hugs, Judy

[AuntCC]

Thnk you for your comment.  I understand the importance of remaining friends because they have a child together, but I feel they are taking it to a level that is not necessary.  I cant stand it when he vents about her and tells me the things she says to him like cussing at him and telling him to go f&*k himself and then hangs up.  I guess I am being protective of him because I do love him.  I'm sure if some guy told his daughter that he would want to beat the **** out of the kid, and that is the way I feel.  

I have only dated 1 other guy that had a child and they only time they talked was to discuss their daughter, nothing more.  I don't have much experience with this type of situation so I don't want to over react, but I am seriously getting bothered by this situation.  They are supposed to take care of the joint bank account situation this weekend.  If he does not get his own account, then I think it will be time for me to let him know either he cuts ties with his ex other than the welfare of their child so we can move forward with our relationship, or this is not going to work for me.  My opinion is that since they are no longer together they do not need to share certain aspects of their lives

[jo929]

I think you need to go with your gut instincs It sounds like he would go back in a minute, also a joint bank accout, iy does not sound right to me, you are being used and if i were you i would sit back and think and look this situation over more, things just do not add up   luck  jo

[Judy246]

Some ex's do remain friends and they will always be in contact, because they share a child. You have many options and it is up what is best for you and the relationship.

1) Accept what you can't change and make an attempt to get to know her and possible
   in the future have her as a friend.(

2) Have a civil relationship with her, although you don't care for an "ex"
   I like to keep my enemies close by).

3) You don't have to either accept her at all and make b/f aware of how you
    feel and lay the law...."I would like to keep the ex out of our relationship
   and you do what you have to do, to make sure she will not be an issue".  Put
    the responsibility to keep a distance with her on him.

4) Not accept her and if he values you and the relationship, the only relationship
   he should have is communicating in regards to the need of the child and that's it.

5) I agree with my buddie mami1323: You have not invested too much time with the
   guy, so you can choose to leave the relationship, because the reality is that they
   have history and a child and if put in a situation, he might chose her. So be ready
   for anything.

We women have a six sense that we need to listen to it. It's like an inner guardian
angel telling us when something is not right. If you are uncomfortable with the
ex situation, it's important for you to discuss it with your b/f and come to an
agreement on what type of relationship he is going to agree to have with her.

Where there was once flames, lay ashes that can spark, so....it's up to you on
how you want to handle the ex, but you don't have to accept anything that you don't want.....Good luck

[AuntCC]

Thank you for your comment.  I dont really feel like I am being pushed aside, I guess I feel more like the back-up.  When she wants or needs something she is very nice to him, but the minute she gets whatever it is she wanted then she is rude, calls him names and hangs the phone up on him.  I have pointed this out several times and every time he has agreed with me.  When they were together they partied alot.  I personally am not a big drinker.  I like the occasional glass of wine or a few beers, but I don't like drinking often.  Whenever they/we hang out (yes, I have hung out with her and her boyfriend a few times) that is what happens. we drink.  I wonder if that is something that he misses.  

[mami1323]

There is nothing you can do other than end this relationship.  If you've spoken to him about the boundary issues and you have told him how uncomfortable it makes you feel and you are unwilling to deal with it the way it is now than there is nothing more you can do than to walk away.  You haven't invested that much time in this relationship yet, so getting out now wouldn't be too difficult.  They have history there and a child so what I see happening is you being pushed aside while they get back together.  I think you deserve someone with no baggage or clingy ex's.