his drinking problem & im expecting

[waitn838]

hi there...i need some help or someone to help me through this

im almost 2 months preg and my emotions are running pretty high...i love my bf...he is a great guy but he drinks all the time

he lost his license for drinking and has to take a special test when he's elgible to get his license back and as part of his probation he has to attend alcohol counseling (which he hasnt started yet)

im concerned because it seems like there is always money for him to buy a beer but not enough money for the bills...also if he doesnt have a beer he's moody...i feel like he cant handle any of life's events without having a beer or more in him...it disgusts me

he procrastinates at getting things done and i get frustrated becuz im the type to just do it and get it over with...he doenst help me much around the house so im stuck doing much of the cleaning...however he does cook more than me cuz i'd rather have a pb&j then meal :)

i think the worse thing is he thinks im always yelling at him but im not or maybe its coming off that way...ive changed my tone but he still thinks im yelling...he thinks i say things when in reality i know (the sober one) there is no way i said that...but try arguing with an alcoholic...you dont get far

i dont want to leave him becuz im expecting a baby and i know he can be a great guy if he just put the beer down and embraced life for what its worth but im soo worried...this is emotionally tearing me apart and preg is supposed to be a happy time

im sooo torn on what to do....i love him with all my heart and im sooo happy about this preg but im afraid that his drinking is going to tear us apart and i dont know what i can do

[redneckmom]

I'm sorry to hear things went backwards.  I'm glad that you are trying, many people would have given up.  I hope that his family helps you and him out durring this hard time.  I sincerely hope he can get better.  Good luck to you and your family.  Congratulations on the pregnancy.=)

[waitn838]

latest update:

things were getting better...then saturday night he drank almost a 12 pack in 6 hours...he was being quite rude and mean towards me and anything he could think of that would hurt me he did

i will admit honestly he didnt lay a finger on me but im not going to wait around for the frist time that happens

i called his father on sunday and told him about his sons drinking and that if it doesnt slow down ill be forced to leave him

i guess we wait and see where it goes from here

[AHP84]

That's good news that he's gotten himself signed up for alcohol counseling. I hope it's beneficial for him--he really needs to know how much his alcoholism doesn't just affect him, but affects his family even more negatively.
Counseling should help you too.
Glad to hear things are going better for you all. I hope everything continues to get better from here!
Best wishes!

[waitn838]

updating everybody again...he begin alcohol counseling jan 29 and i start my counseling this week

things have gotten better between us...well other than my hormones that have a tendancy to go racing

otherwise things are getting better

thank you all for the advice

[AHP84]

I hope for the best for you and your family. Keep us updated!

If you ever want to message me, feel free to anytime! :-)

[waitn838]

just a quick update...ive made an appt with a professional counselor for next friday...i hope this is the right step in saving my relationship

thanks again for all your input

[waitn838]

thank you all...im hoping for a happy ending

im an emotional mess today....

im going to let him take care of his problem and not be around it...you are all right..my 3 year old and soon to be baby are my focus and they keep me busy enough

its good to know im not the cause of his problem...i was beginning to think i was

[dove3053]

You have gotten some great advice here from AJH. We just want to see a happy ending :)

Dove

[jml1986]

I am married to a recovering alcoholic, and I know how hard it is on you. It is easy for people to say leave him, but it is not so easy to do. How do you leave someone that you love so much! I lived through 20 years of my husbands drinking and it was hard. Sadly there was nothing I could do to make him quit, he had to do it on his own when he was ready.

5 years ago I made the decission that I was done and was leaving him. You would think that would have made him look at his life and decide what he wanted, but it didn't. The turning point for him was he went up to our daughters room while she was packing to go with me, and she was sobbing so hard that for the first time in his life he knew he had to make a change. He called AA that day, and has been sober ever since.

I would never recommend that you leave. I would however suggest that you look into Al-Anon. It helps you understand the effects alcohol has on the loved ones.

[AHP84]

You need to know that you can't make him stop. In the long run, there's nothing you can do or say. He has to make the choice to stop.
No, you're not a coward at all. Just know that if you face the problem, it's his problem, and you can't fix it for him. If you face his problem with him, your children are involved. Be very, very, very careful!
Also know that you DO NOT have a part to play in his alcoholism. That's what he chooses to do. You're not a part of that, nor do you play into it. It's his personal choice.
Just try to talk to him, and maybe get into relationship counseling. And pray for him. But don't put all your effort into fixing his problem. You need to take care of yourself and your children first. He's an adult and should be responsible for his own decisions.
Best wishes and prayers for you.

[AHP84]

Just keep your guard up for abusive behaviors, emotionally and physically.
Not only did my son's father have drug and alcohol issues, but also my ex-stepfather.
My ex-stepfather started off just being immature; a "happy drunk." Then he got emotionally abusive towards me behind my mom's back. Then he got physically abusive with me at the end of their marriage--which only happened once because my mom kicked him out and divorced him after that. He went from being immature and happy to physically abusive over a period of 8 years. Immaturity lasted for about 4 years, emotional abuse between year 4 and 8, and physical abuse at year 8 of their marriage.
My ex-bf (my son's father) started off by being immature and a little controlling toward me (I dated him for 8 years, from ages 14-22). He would tell me things like I was nagging him and I was moody, that kind of stuff. Then he got emotionally abusive about a year before I got pregnant. He was never physically abusive, but I was always extremely nervous that he was teetering on the edge of it. He pushed me in a drunken rage while I was holding our infant son one time. That was as close as he ever got to physical abuse.
So just be really cautious and not close-minded to the potential of it. Alcoholics and substance abusers can be dangerously unpredictable.
Your bf needs to know your concerns and how you're feeling right now, and you don't have to yell to tell him that. If the only way to get through to him is separating yourself from him, then take that step. The only thing you're asking of him is to get his act together and sober up, and that is not at all unreasonable for you to ask.

[waitn838]

im not going to leave him...i need to know what i can do to help

im not a coward...i want to face the problem and get it fixed...but i have a part to play in it too...what should i do?

should i ignore him? try to talk to him? get him involved in something?i dont know what i can do to help

[waitn838]

this is very difficult for me...he's not abusive just immature

i dont want to be his mom...i dont want to yell...i just want to enjoy my preg

this is my 2nd child...its his first so maybe the fact that he's going to be a first time dad has something to do with it

[AHP84]

Now is the time to think with your head, not your heart.
He has an alcohol problem, and is probably lingering on financial problems. What's his excuse going to be when he has to help financially support formula, diapers, and doctor visits, but claims he doesn't have the money as he cracks open another can? Your resentment and digust toward him is going to build REALLY fast once the baby is born.
You need to just tell him that the relationship is over until he can prove he's sober and can stay sober. Ending the relationship does not mean you love him less, or that you don't want him involved in yours and the child's life. That's up to you.
Ending the relationship will do this: let him know that you and the baby come first, no questions asked. You will not enable his drinking or tolerate it. It's a health hazard for him, an unnecessary financial stress, and potentially dangerous to you and the baby.
What if, when the baby is born, it gets colic and won't stop crying and screaming for days, and neither of you will be getting more than an hour of sleep in 24 hours? He keeps drinking the beer to help him "cope;" well, what do you think is going to possibly happen after a couple days and he's gone through a six pack or more to "cope?"

The way I see it, he has no reason at this point to stop drinking. He's going to get his license back soon, he hasn't been repremanded legally for not attending counselling, and he still has you around each day, picking up after him and telling him you love him, even "changing you tone" to please him. Why stop drinking?

Do what you know you need to do. This situation is not about just you and him anymore.
Best wishes to you--I truely know what it's like to love a substance abuser that is the father of your child.
God bless.

[waitn838]

thank you for the words...i do not take it offensively and that's all im doing is seeking opinions right now

i am in such deep thought today and my pregnancy hormones are not helping

[dove3053]

Have you thought of going to Al-Anon---look it up, it will help you. You can't make a person stop drinking they have to want to do it for themselves. I had an ex-husband who drank very heavy and he told me once he didn't think he could stop.

On the bright side I know many people who had bad drinking problems that were able to get and stay sober.

I see that intervention program on TV and maybe something like that would help. Does his family know the extent of his drinking, because maybe they could help you?

If he is on probation he needs to do what they tell him to or he could go to jail. I'm sure you know this. I can see why you are concerned. You need to take care of yourself and your baby first and formost. If that means leaving him until he can get sober, maybe you should consisder it. I never like to tell people to leave someone because that's so major. Remember what you read here are just other peoples suggestions and sometimes there is no right or wrong answer. I always think people know deep in their heart what they need to do.

Good luck,

Dove