Being overly dramatic?

[comfortablynumb79]

First of all, I would just like to say how much help and insight this board has given me in the past. The answers people give are truly helpful and I appreciate it.

My girlfriend and I have been together a little over 4 months now. We live about 2 hours apart, but manage to see each other about every weekend. I live with roomates, she lives in an aparment with her daughter, 7 months, whose father was completely non-existent until about a month ago, when the paternity test proved he was indeed her dad. Recently, the dude broke up with his girlfriend, who he also has a child with, and all of a sudden, the guy wants to come hang out at my girlfriend's house "to see his daughter." It's only happened three times so far, and it didn't bother me all that much until yesterday, when he showed up at my girlfriend's work, asking if he could come by her house that evening, and when she said she'd think about it and call him later, he proceeded to go sit on her front porch and wait for her to get home.

I was shocked to learn she let him in AND let him babysit for a couple hours, while she baked cookies. This time, I flew off the handle and expressed to my girlfriend how uncomfortable this situation was making me. I have a daughter and I have visitation time with her at MY house. I don't hang around at my daughter's mom's house. My girlfriend's reasoning is that she doesn't trust the dad and doesn't want him taking their daughter away just yet, because he has a history of drunk driving. But she welcomes him to hang out at the house. Am I wrong to be uncomfortable with this? I'm not against the guy seeing his kid, but I think him just hanging out there so she can get stuff done around the house doesn't seem appropriate either. I suggested to her that it seemed like they were "playing house," and why couldn't he come around when I'm there too? Anyway, for some reason the whole thing really upsets me. I just want someone to tell me if I'm off my rocker or not.

Last night, I went so far as to ask her if she would rather be with him than me, and she rattled off a laundry list of reasons why she wouldn't ever take him back, and that she only wants to be with me and only loves me. She did admit that sometimes she thinks she should've "given it a chance," for her daughter's sake, but that she doesn't want to be with him because she doesn't love him anymore and he was awful to her. It seems like this girl kisses this guy's a** because she "doesn't want her daughter growing up without her dad in her life." If he's such a loser, why would she want to expose her to him anyway?

Thanks in advance.

[mami1323]

I'm confused to and to me it sounds like she's all about head games.  Part of being in a healthy relationship is being able to openly communicate.  Unfortunately, she is not.  She seems one sided, all that matters to her is her feelings.  No consideration for yours.  She pushes then pulls, pushes then pulls.  It seems too much back and forth and eventually this will wear thin on you.  She sounds like a narcissistic type personality.  It's all about her and she wants what she wants but if you pull away, she's all on you because she needs that attention.  There are too many games being played here and I feel really sorry for her child.  I think you should escape while you can because there are so many red flags here.  I don't think you will ever be happy because she will be too needy and self absorbed.  Good luck.

[comfortablynumb79]

Update on this situation. Just after having spent 5 days together at Christmas with my girlfriend, so called me all of sudden the night I got back home and said I should spend New Year's with my friends. Said she needed to see if this was "the real deal," and not just lust. She asked me to give her some space. So, taking her advice, I spent New Year's with some friends and tried to lay low. Eventually, about a week later, (this past Saturday) I called her and kind of demanded some kind of answer. She said she loved me and didn't want to lose me, but she was worried we had moved way too fast. Long story short, we talked and agreed to try to be friends, and see if that made a difference.

Fast forward to yesterday. I offered to come cook her dinner, and that I would go get myself a hotel room after. She said that sounded great, but I could stay there. I said I would stay there only under the condition that I sleep on the couch. She said "You're not sleeping on the couch either." So I go there last night, and the minute I walk in the door she is all affectionate with me. Hugging, kissing, saying she missed me, she loved me, etc, etc. I thought to myself, "Everything is OK now..." Only thing is, all of the conversation last night seems to be about HER. But I don't complain. So we eat dinner, watch TV, I give her one of the massages she likes, then assume it's OK to put 'the moves' on her. Unfortunately, she didn't seem to feel the same. So, I said I'd go sleep on the couch, because I thought that was respectful, since I apparently can't keep my hands off her. She took offense to this and disagreed.

Needless to say, I snuck out this morning to head to work, without saying goodbye. I had 26 missed calls on my phone. 26. All because I didn't say goodbye. So I apologized, and have tried to text her today and touch base, see how work is and whatnot. But as it seems to be lately, she only wants to talk about herself. But why in the heck would she call 26 times if I disappear? I mean, if she isn't really into me, why would she care? I'm confused.

[Cootos]

Okay I totally understand what your going through....speaking from experience on her end...please dont get angry with her as she is only looking out for her daughter....his intentions may be different...but why not go over there when he is present?? There's nothing wrong with that....if his intentions are to use thier daughter to see her then with you there he will be able to wake up and see that she has moved on...

[mami1323]

Please don't take offense to anything I'm about to say because I completely understand why you are uncomfortable but it sounds to me like your girlfriend is only doing what's best for their daughter.  Just because he was a loser boyfriend, does not mean he can't be a good father.  It sounds like he is truly interested in being a father to his daughter.  He's missed out on so much time with her, maybe he's trying to make up for that.  I completely understand her reasoning on why she would rather him see their daugther at the house and not let him take her.  He hasn't been in her life until recently so she doesn't know how he will bond with their daughter or how well he will care for her.  Once she gets comfortable with things perhaps she will let him take her.  Although, I do agree with letting him come there, she should set and enforce boundaries with him.  He shouldn't be able to just come over whenever he pleases.  He should call ahead of time and if he chooses to not obey this then she needs to put her foot down.  I also believe that he should come over when you're around as well.  This way you can meet him and get to know him and maybe you and him can be amicable towards each other.  I do not think there is any reason why you shouldn't trust her.  It doesn't seem like anything is going on other than what she says there is.  She makes you completely aware of when he's coming over or if he's coming over so she's not hiding anything.  Unfortunately, as much as you hate it, this man will always be a part of her life because of their daughter.  So you need to learn to accept it if you want to be with her.  good luck.