managing sexual guilt.. cheating..

[eliza164]

Hey everyone,

I have a boyfriend which I love and really wanna marry, but after being together for a couple of years I had to move to another state and we just decided to wait for each other till we are independent and can live with each other.

But soon after I moved a 50 year old man, "family friend", tricked me into having sex with him and for a while I didn't know how to say "no" to him, because he made me feel obligated...and I was about 15 years old and it was my first time, while I always wanted to wait till I'm 18 and do it with someone I really love.. After a while I was able to break it off, but I kept it a secret..

I’ve been with my boyfriend together for 4 years and this horrible thing happened somewhere in the middle or those 4 years. My boyfriend is extremely strict when it comes to cheating, and I think he’d never forgive me for somehow allowing such thing to happen and for not telling him right away..

I feel extremely guilty about what happened, I cry every time I think of it..and I’m very confused about how to deal with this guilt that just eats me from inside and hate towards the old men, and whether I should tell my boyfriend after all those years..I want to be with him so much..is it possible?..

Thanks..

[specialmom]

Hi.  Welcome to the forum.  I first want to point out that this post is years old at this point and the original posters are long gone.  Sedond, it is okay to disagree with people but calling them names isn't.  Please remain respectful and just give your advice.  thanks.

[foodie99]

BRAVO!  WELL SAID... EXACTLY..AND HOW DARE ANYONE ON HERE TELL THIS CHILD THAT SHE WASNT TELLING THE WHOLE STORY?  SOUNDS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE IN DENIAL...at 15, what do we really know? nothing!  we trust elders, fear what they will say about us to our parents, WILL THEY fail us, etc...they still hold ALL the power.  I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE CRITICIZED HER POST...MY GOD!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU MORONS...COMPUTER GEEK AND THE OTHERS WHO ADVOCATED that she did nothing wrong, the  bf is not the first concern jsut now, she and her family are...the BF can be told by the professional in a timely manner, but somebody get this poor little girl a bug hug and into a safe environment where she can feel safe telling her mom...let the mom tell the dad, he will probably wanna slit the freaks throat....

[AnxiousGurl]

Im so glad your reporting him, please make sure you do, Im sorry for everything you had to go through.  & dont feel guilty. The man who did it needs to feel guilty I hope he rots in jail.

[fung]

Wow eliza, you are very brave young lady. Keep your head up and be strong. Do what you have to do to make it a past.  Going through all  this will make you a better person .
Best wishes

[eliza900]

Thanks for all your help!
I blamed my self for two years and now you just let me get it that it was not my fault, thank you a lot.

My boyfriend is the closest person to me, so last week I told him about what happened first. He went crazy and broke up with me 3 times in 2 days and then eventually calmed down, so I'll see if he'll be able to continue being with me while knowing about this. Before I felt awful for keeping it a secret from him, now I feel awful for telling him and letting him go through all this.
He also asked to take the STD's/HIV test, and I did, it was one wierd experience, but I'm glad to know that I didn't caught anything.

Then I told my mom, who in turn told the rest of the family. I don't know why I didn't told them earlier. Even through it's really emberessing, it feels so much better. They do provide a lot of support, but they are so sad now.

Next week I'll go to my councelor and he'll call the police and I'll report it. Hopefully the police will get at least enought evidence to bring it up to the court. And well it's been few years already since the first offence and about half a year since the last one...so I'm not sure if they'll believe me...I'm nervous about the interview...during the STD test the doctor was asking me questions like  when was last time, and other details..and I cried so much..I don't think I'll be able to make a report calmly...

Anyways, thanks :) I'll let you all know how the investigation will go.

[Denya]

I left another post but it has been erased it was a toll free number for people like yourself who just need to talk to someone about what happened to you, just google toll free numbers for victims of rape or ********* and it will come up, It is someone to listen who is trained for your situation.  I hope this helps.

[Denya]

You are blaming yourself for these things, and I can understand that.  I also understand why the guilt is eating away at you day and night.  It is hard for you to come to grips with this, and it is hard for you to understand, we can all tell you everything you need to hear, but it won't help.  We can try to tell you how you "should" feel about this, but we can't tell you how to feel.  We can't tell you why this has happened to you.  But, I think we are all in agreement that this should not have happened, you did not deserve this, and you sound too special of a person to have been a victum of this crime.  

If you are honest with your b/f maybe he will understand, or maybe he won't, either way you need to tell him if you are feeling this convicted about it.  I Know this was Rape, but as you have seen other people on this board think you were old enough to make a decision.  But, that is why we have laws.  

Look up on the internet about rape, victums of rape, or victums of pedifile, and mostly if you don't have someone to talk to about it, than know that GOD is reaching out to you right now, waiting for you.  

My dad has always told me "never leave home w/o money, and always bring enough money with you when out with a man, never let a man give you something for free, because chances are it's not free"

[eliza900]

I still don't know how to deal with it. There aren't much people I trust, while the once I do trust I don't feel comfortable talking about it with them, since they care for me and it would hurt them to know that such a thing happaned to me. And I don't have any counslers available to talk to.
I tried to just forget about it, but everything around me reminds me of that man. I also feel like my physical health had taken a blow, I can't sleep much and I get huge headaches.
I just hope that I can find a way to forget it or not care as much.
It's the secont time I was physically harrased sexually, and I wonder if I'm just that unlucky.
First time was when I was about 6-7 years old, and I was just playing in a park, and a 30 year old guy came up to me from behind and stuck a finger in me for 30 seconds. I was confused and didn't know what happened. I went home and chose to remain silent about the incident because it felt emberesing. And till this day no one knows. (Would anyone know why that guy would do such a thing? I still haven't figured it out.)
But with this I was somewhat awear what happened and it just makes me feel horrible. Plus I feel really guilty for not telling it to my boyfriend.
Well I'll see maybe I'll find a way to deal with it, but it'll always be in the back of my head..

[Can_U_Help]

Thank you for the kind comments jo. I think that a lot of people get so wrapped up in there own grief and remorse for things in the past that they get stuck there and they don't realize that bad things happen to everyone and yes some are worse than others. But I know without a doubt that every bad experience that we live through can help others if we focus on moving on instead of sitting still in a whirlwind of emotions and chaos. Eliza...your story may help someone else someday down the road. It won't take away your pain or loneliness or any of the hurt emotions you feel but at some point everyone needs to realize that the satisfaction of knowing that your bad life experience might actually prevent someone else from living through the same experience or even help someone through a similar experience is at least gratification and I know first hand that the gratification beats the h e double hockey sticks out of letting it consume you and control your life. I really like this forum. I haven't been around long but I have gotten some pretty good advice myself on here so hopefully I will be able to return the favor. : )
Eliza...if you get a moment post and let us know how things are going for you. I'm very concerned about your emotional state. Experiences like this can put you on an emotional roller coaster but you can deal with it. As painful and serious as it is, it is a lot easier to cope with than a lot of people out there tend to believe. It just takes time and determination. I hope you are well and know that you have someone to talk to if you need an ear.
God Bless!

[jo929]

That was a heart warming story, and am so glad that were strong enough to do what you have done, i am sorry for what you have suffered through no fault of your own, and i do think this story and and what you went through will help lots of young people.
You need to start giving some advice on the forumn, also you would do well on the abuse forumn lots of luck  jo

[Can_U_Help]

Eliza...I was a victim of sexual molestation at the age of 11. My sister and I were both sexually abused by our ex-stepfather so I feel a need to reach out to you. I got therapy and I have learned to deal with what happened to me and move on with my life knowing that what happened to me was 0% my fault. My sister however, started therapy but was not forced to continue as I was and she is 37 years old now. This happened to us over 25 years ago and she still cannot deal with the emotional chaos that this type of abuse does to you. It is imperative that you get counseling. I personally think this man should be held accountable for this because if he is a coach then he has access to other children. Our ex-stepfather was prosecuted and he did serve time. I know I was younger than you when this happened to me but I don't know that I would have realized that it was wrong for this man to be doing this to me any sooner had I been 15 instead of 11 because no one ever talked to me about things like this. I discussed this with my children before they started pre-school because they were in day care for a couple of years and I knew that they had to understand that no one has the right to mistreat them. But I did not have that, I had to figure out on my own that what was happening to me was not normal, which is when I went to my grandmother and told her what had been happening to me. I don't know what kind of upbringing you had if your parents talked to you about things like this and explained to you that no one should do these things to you but I am telling you now that you were taken advantage of and what happened is not your fault. You have to talk to someone about what has happened to you, I know from experience that if you don't you will never be able to learn to deal with this awful experience you have lived through and have a normal life. Just a few comparisons, my sister is a very angry person she yells a lot, she has a drinking problem, her oldest daughter is now married and has a child at the age of 19 her second daughter is 16 married and expecting her first child and her youngest is 15 and in a boot camp. She does not have the capacity to raise her children in a stable environment and she never has. She has lost her children to state custody twice now and none of them live with her at this time. She is now married to an alcoholic just like her, he is physically and emotionally abusive. She is untouchable, I try to talk to her I try to encourage her that it is never to late to deal with her past and move on no matter how old she is. I've offered to go to counseling with her anything just to get her to deal with the bad childhood we had so she can move on but she won't let me in. It is frustrating and heartbreaking to say the least. I on the other hand was forced to go to counseling and while some may think that unfair I know deep down that it is the best thing that could have ever happened for me. I did marry very young, I was 15. I had my first child at 16 my second at 18 my third at 20 and my fourth at 25. While my childhood memories do include happy ones with friends and relatives, they are tainted with abuse. But through counseling I learned to deal with that and understand that I was a victim. Now I am 36 years old have been married for almost 21 years have 4 beautiful healthy children who have never suffered any type of abuse. I understand and accept that I was mistreated and abused at absolutely no fault of my own. Men like this are predators and they make you think that what they are doing is ok but it is not. You have to get counseling, and for yourself not your b-f. I wish you all the luck and if you need to talk I will listen.
God Bless!

[ComputerGeek]

"...I just feel like the worst person on earth who doesn't deserve any love or affection..feel so disgusting and dirty..I don't know how to deal with it... "

This totally sounds like a rape situation to me.  These are exactly the usual thought patterns of a victim of rape.  Regardless of a person's age, regardless of how mature they are, trickery or manipulation or sheer intimidation can result in rape.  I know whereof I speak because I was almost raped and I KNOW that intimidation can easily cause a person to fall victim to rape.


Like the others, I too feel like you should tell your mother what happened.  She is your mother and has (hopefully) your best interest at heart.  She will help you deal with your guilt feelings and will help you to get professional help.

You do sound like you need professional help.  I was so severely depressed that I went to see a psychologist.  I was resistant to the idea but, after meeting with him, wondered why I had waited so long.  He was able to help me see myself like a really am, a bright, even handsome man, not the ugly person I saw myself as who totally loathed himself.  (I was emotionally abused most of my adolescent life by my stepfather who continuously criticized me not matter how well I was doing in school or anywhere else, which has left deep scars and no self-esteem.)

A counselor might be able to provide the same sort of help as a psychologist - but I would suggest seeing a reputable, well-respected psychologist if at all possible.  Their entire training is centered around know the human mind works inside and out and on figuring out how to help you in all respects.

Finally, that coach NEEDS to get his just deserts - even jail, if possible.  I am not sure but I think that if you were to bring this out, the local district attorney could still bring him up on charges.  I don't think it matters that it happened a few years ago.  He might decide, though, that there isn't enough evidence to reach a conviction.  

HOWEVER, the DA would most likely agree that this needs to come out so that this man can be stopped - even if a conviction cannot be attained.  There might be dozens of other girls that, even now, are still falling prey to this man.  The DA can investigate this man and see if they can find any other victims.  Even without the evidence that a "rape kit" provides, if there are other victims, they can (together) most likely send this man away for a long time.

Finally, it doesn't matter what your exact age is - 10 or 15.  You were under 18 and sex with ANY person 18 or over (even a boyfriend) constitutes, rape, EVEN IF BOTH PARTIES WERE CONSENSUAL TO THE SEX.  Several women have spent time in jail over the last several years because they were over 18 and were caught having sex with an under-18 boy.  (They also happened to be teachers.)

So please do pluck up the courage, between your mom and you, to take this matter to the police or directly to your local district attorney.  You may help to stop a continuing cycle of abuse by this man.

[jo929]

You can keep feeling guilty or let go, yes i agree with all that, the jerk needs to be prosecuted, also if you cant forget it go into group therapy you would be surprised at the girls that have felt the same way you do at 15 ,anyway it might make you feel better to tell mom what happened, no do not start feeling like you are no good, you can be as good as you want to be, so you made a mistake once who has not ever made a mistake,, now you know better, get on with living your life, and please , what good is killing yourself going to do you can have a great life if you want it, if you decide to tell the boyfriend, and he does not like it he did not care to much to start with also do something for you self esteem, you are still young try to move on   luck  jo

[mami1323]

I do agree with Teko here.  At 15, I definitely knew better.  I think the original poster does need to seek some conseling if she is contemplating suicide.  I think your boyfriend would be very understanding if he loves you.  However, you should talk with your mom and have this man reported.  I'm sure you are not the first nor the last that this man has done this to.  In this situation I believe your mom will be the first person you should really discuss this with and then the boyfriend.  Good luck, I hope you really are able to move past this situation and look towards a brighter future.  Don't ever let a man try to convince you to have sex with them if you don't want to, no matter what the age they are and you are.  You should never feel obligated to do something you are not comfortable with.

[holly_b]

I do understand where you're coming from and I agree with most of the things you have said but we don't know what this girls upbringing has been. Perhaps she wasn't lucky enough to be thought what to do when situations such as these arise. I just feel that since her parents trusted him she thought she could too and her parents trusting him made it harder for her to come forward. Also he was a coach to young people so it sounds to me like it isn't common knowledge that he preys on young girls.

I fully agree with what you said about living in a victim society. I guess it doesn't really matter who was at fault back then, what matters is that she finds a way to deal with it now.

[holly_b]

You shouldn't feel guilty. You were 15 years old. your parents trusted this man and therefore so did you. He was in a position of authority and he abused this position. I strongly recommend you see a therapist or even the school counselor if you are still at school. You didn't cheat on your boyfriend, an experienced 50 year old man manipulated a naive, gullible 15 year old into sex. (I'm not saying that you were naive to insult you but at 15 most people are as they lack life experience). I think you should go to therapy first and from there decide what to do regarding telling your boyfriend, parents etc. Please don't feel like this is your fault. No matter what others say you were the child, he was the adult so full blame lies with him. And he was a family friend and your coach, he abused the situation in every way. You did NOTHING wrong.

Teko: I don't mean any disrespect here but telling her to forget it and move on isn't going to help. She just said she is contemplating suicide. Therefore she needs to get into therapy. Suppressing strong feelings like that isn't healthy by any means. Just my opinion.

[eliza164]

he was my coach..so I spent really really alot of time with him..I got used that he is a trust worthy person..plus he was teaching me for free..so I felt like I own something to him...and my parents trusted him so he could take me training or go eat out anytime for as long as he wanted...and it somehow just slowly progressed..and hed do some disgusting stuff infront of me with himself...and I feel like I was abit forced because he'd drive me out to place far from my home and bug me to do like little stuff till I'd agree..and into sex he just tricked me with "just the head" thingie...now I just can't believe how stupid I am...I was afraid to tell my parents why I'd wanna stop training, so I felt like I had to put up with it for a while, the though of having sex with this man just disgusted me and I never ever wanted anything like that to happen...But I agree with  teko ...I should have known how to stop it at once..and so I feel really extreamly guilty..up to not sleeping at night and thinking about suicide..plus I really don't know how to face my boyfriend and if I should just break up with him so he doesn't waist time on me...I just feel like the worst person on earth who deosn't deserv any love or affection..feel so disgustng and dirty..I don't know how to deal with it...

[mami1323]

I can go both ways on this.  One this 50 year old should be ashamed for what he did and he is a predator but on some part I do have to agree with Teko.  You were 15, old enough to know better at that point.  How were you "tricked" by him?  I'm not sure I understand how that works when you are old enough to tell your boyfriend no but you can't tell a 50 year old man no.  Unless he forced you into a room and locked the door, I'm not sure how this was forced.  Can you clarify the experience without having to go into too much detail?

[jo929]

I missed something in your post, did you say you were tricked into sex , was it more than one time , also you say obligated, this word was used by another person, and just wanted to clarify it  also i missed the part about managing to break it off, there has been a lot left out of this post, has there not? people start sex young nowdays i suppose.  

[jo929]

I agree with Denya she has it right 100%  jo

[soosmoo]

This is awful, this guy has destroyed your innocence, taken your virginity and made YOU feel guilty about it!

HE SHOULD BE STOPPED AND REPORTED FOR RAPE & PAEDOPHILIA, you were under the age of legal consent!

My heart goes out to you, go talk to someone about it so you can then enjoy a proper, loving sexual relationship that is your right!

[Jaybay]

Denya is absolutely correct.  You were raped.  You were not an adult making an adult decision to have sex.  YOU did NOTHING wrong.  In most states, that perveted 50 year old child molester would be convicted of statutory rape.  Eventually you may want to talk about it with your boyfriend, but please speak to a therapist first.  It sounds like you're still very confused about what happened with that sexual predator.  Until you fully understand that you were a victim, you can't have a rational discussion about it with anyone else.  After therapy, if your boyfriend can't accept what happened and ends up blaming you, then he isn't the person you believe him to be and not worthy of you.

[Denya]

This 50 year old guy took advantage of you, he was the adult, you were a child.  You didn't cheat, you were RAPED.  This guy was a preditor, and his Job is to, 1st make you feel like it was your decision, and 2nd make you feel guilty about your sexuality, You were raped and this man did to you what they all do, Rape children.  He raped you, bottom line.  You are still acting from that scared 15 year old girl, I would highly recommend you speak to a therapist about this, You are prob just now noticing how this is going to effect the rest of your life and relationships.  I suggest you talk to someone you trust first, get a grip on this for you, not your b-f, your the one who has to deal with this, I'm not saying your b/f is bad, I am just saying that you need to heal, and in order to do that this wound needs to breath on a professional, or a very, very trusted person.

[eliza164]

Now we are both almost 18 and we'd really like to marry each other some day, maybe after college...but this thing happened while I was going out with him, so it feels like cheating...and I feel really guilty that he thinks that I've never been with anyone..